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How To Handle This?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Halosandwings, Nov 23, 2018.

  1. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Last edited: Nov 23, 2018
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I think the problem lies with you, and that's the major reason for all these trauma and resentments.

    It is my own mother who takes care of my children as I go out for work. I badly need her with me, for the kids, because I can not trust these nannies and maids. At the same time, I can not expect my old mother to be the mother to my children either.
    It was totally wrong on your part to make your MIL the sole care taker of your baby in an alien land. I mean it. Because my mom was very confident and comfortable with the kids (on the days when maids are absent) when we were at our native place. But the same mom felt very fragile and started calling me often, and reacted differently when we were at a different city (in the same country).
    It happens, and we must acknowledge it.

    On the other hand, elders wont ask for help, knowing it would cost you some extra money. Besides, they acknowledge the effort and money that you have put on for their trip to US, and wants to make it useful for you.
    See... it may seem not nice to ask for a nanny when she has come all the way from India to look after the baby. But they are not young, and their physical and emotional conditions may not corporate with them to handle it alone.

    Besides, expecting them to do additional work, other than child care at home is too much.
    There are days when my mom has to take care of the kids, and I make sure she rests well on the next available day I stay at home (weekend). Though I might be tired and need rest, but I consider my mom as priority because of her age and ailments.
    So, it was wrong on your part to expect MIL to jump in to kitchen work or child care work on your day off.
    Your kid is your responsibility. As an extended family member, you can expect her to oversee the nanny and be with the kid, so that the kid won't feel lonely after you guys leave for work.
    At this age, this is the long term help your MIL could do.

    Expectations leads to disappointment and resentments.

    My mom is almost 70 now. She still says that she can take care of the kids, as they are big now. So I shouldn't be spending too much on a nanny now. She says a maid is enough, and the rest can be handled by her with the kid, as my job is very demanding.
    But still, I make sure there is a nanny at home. And that nanny does most of the tiring child care things.
    Because I know my mom too has her limits.
    Mom can tell stories for kids, feed them, hug them, be with them as they nap... and that's more important for the kids, as a nanny can not share love and affection the way a grand mother showers.
    As a working mother, I know my kids would miss me. But somehow they are happy that their grandma is around all the time.
    Things would have been very different if they were left with a nanny.

    Next time, when your MIL is around, be nice with her. Appreciate for whatever the little help she extends for the family. But don't expect anything from her.

    If at all, if you have any expectation, do that from your H.
    Expect him to help you around with the kid or at the kitchen
    Expect him to share the sleep deprived nights together.
    Expect him to make sure your taste buds are respected, and you dont fall sick
    Expect him to at least order carb free healthy diet during the days when you can't cook varieties.

    Above all your H's duties, and not your MILs
     
    Meghaa, Rihana, DDream and 1 other person like this.
  3. Halosandwings

    Halosandwings Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi everyone! First, I appreciate you people taking time out of your busy schedules to go through this post. I’m going to share more details with you. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to answer for individual posts.


    1. My in-laws came in the middle of May, visited some family members before they came to our house. My FIl the left in the first week of August.


    2. We (Me, baby, hubby and MIL) all traveled to India in the middle of September and returned in the middle of October.


    3. Father-in-law came to United States in the middle of February and both MIL and FIL left in mid April.


    4. We have requested to my FIL to stay here but he decided not to stay.


    5. We did not force my MIL to come with us in September and she opted to come.


    6. In a 28 day period, I stay home for 14 days. In the remaining 14 days my husband stays home for 4 days and that left my MIL as a care giver for 10 days out of 28 days.


    7. She and Fil insisted and assured me that she would be able to handle those 10 days and did not want me to get any nanny.


    8. I was the one who insisted on nanny (begged rest of the family to reconsider) and found one pretty soon. I have a nanny ready to with in a month of moving to this new place and with in a week of joining work.


    9. Neither I nor my husband are the ones who decided on the nanny’s timings. We gave her the autonomy to make her decision and she chose for 3 hours a day.


    10. Neither of us eat breakfast at home and husband does not eat lunch at home. I usually carry my lunch to work. We are home for dinner only.


    11. I made it very clear to the nanny that on the days she works it’s her job to provide complete care to the baby and to help MIL as per her request. Baby’s food was either made by me or nanny, Baby’s laundry was done either by me or by nanny. She keeps the baby’s play area tidy and mops the floor to keep the area clean.


    12. We have instructed my MI not to give bath to the baby as we felt it would be too much on her and she never had to give one to the baby.


    13. My nanny went above and beyond from day 1 and she did everything pertaining to the baby and cut the vegetables for Mil and she even hand washed the dishes after cooking. She would stay beyond her hours if there is something MIL wanted. She still continues to go above and beyond to this date and we compensate her generously.


    14. I’ll load the dishwasher before I go to bed at night, nanny empties it in the morning.


    15. When the things did not go as planned, I have asked her multiple times to reconsider extending the hours for nanny (again, I was trying to give her autonomy) and she refused steadily.


    I am going to stop here as I made a decision before that I will stop at No 15 (not to make it too lengthy). I will give additional details later.
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Look like you had lot of expectations on MIL and have taken MIL for granted. I agree with others here, that it's your and husband's responsibility to take care of your baby, not MILs. Be grateful for all the help she voluntarily did [ even if its for an hour]. It is not an easy job taking care of a baby and home at her age especially in unfamiliar environment.

    Have your ever thanked MIL or appreciated her efforts. Have you thanked your nanny.

    If you read IL forum posts on MILs you will realize how much you benefited from her. During her next visit, try to follow your current schedule, appreciate her and go for a relaxed life, so that every one can enjoy her stay in your home.

    Be grateful for whatever help she did instead being resentful of what she did not do to match your expectations. Try to get rid of all negative thoughts from your mind. Think positive. Be happy
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2018
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  5. Halosandwings

    Halosandwings Bronze IL'ite

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    Ok.. I found some more time.. Please understand this is not an attempt to tarnish my MIL. I felt that the general consensus here appears to be we are trying to use her as an unpaid servant to make some financial gain and that is so far from the truth.


    1. As I mentioned earlier we were in India for 4 weeks and before our India trip, from Aug to mid September my nanny worked for 3 hours a day and MIL will call me around 2 times every day to handle the baby. I was able to manage.


    2. We returned in the middle of October and I took another week off to help the baby transition with the jet lag. My baby started to refuse bottle after we returned (may be bottle break) and that’s when it became hard to manage. I will be called home 4 times from work every day either to nurse or put to sleep.


    3. I have continued to ask my MIL directly and husband indirectly to consider increasing the nanny’s hours and it was refused.


    4. Around November, I was hinted by higher ups that I can not leave that often. This prompted husband to increase the nanny’s hours and Mil still refusing.


    5. I have started to manage the cooking in my off days soon after I started to work. I would cook with my baby close by while my MIL would sit in her room and browse FB and whatsapp.


    6. Soon my baby became more mobile and started to crawl. He is a very clingy baby and does not let me do anything and he still remains clingy. If I put him on a play mat he would try come crawling to me and I was stirring food holding baby in one hand while my MIL continues to browse net. He had hit his head to the floor while attempting to crawl to me. It became a safety hazard and I have to ask my nanny to come for a couple of hours on my free time.


    7. My MIL would not hold the baby when I am cooking or doing any household activities. I would sit on the john holding my baby.


    8. When my husband is around it’s a different picture. She would be all over him and I don’t think he would ever believe what was happening in his absence.


    9. When my FIL is around, it was much more different picture. I ended up telling my FIL that I really appreciated him coming over and please consider to come back as a couple.


    10. Her behavior is extremely different when people are around. Eg : We had to go to a wedding of my relative here. It was a long drive of 7 hours or so. Husband and I take turns to drive and taking care of the baby but as soon as we stop and with relatives, she takes the baby from me. And the baby of course wanted to come back to me.


    11. Another time, One of my friends who closely watched us ended up asking me if my baby ever went to my Mil.


    12. There were times that there would be so little food at home. I come home from work at 7:30 or so. Feed baby, give bath to the baby and put him to sleep and by then it would be 10 or so and I realize that the food was so little.


    13. There was a time that both husband and MIL ate and I was left to my own devices.


    14. For those of you, who hung up on her gold ornament gifting, please I did not ask her to gift me anything. I still do not understand why she gifted one of her ornaments completely knowing I do not really wear gold. The house my parents in laws live is a 2 floor house which I bought with my own money. No.. they did not ask me to buy a house but I wanted them to live comfortably and it costed more than a crore and I thought it was worth their happiness. I was sharing this information because some how I am being portrayed as a miser. Husband brought her gold necklace and bangles when we went to India.


    15. I want to work not because I don’t want to take care of the baby. I think that came out wrong. I have always worked. I will probably continue to work until my death bed. Not working is not an option I would ever consider or be comfortable with.


    The long story short of it is, I always wanted them to be happy and comfortable. Money is never an issue for us. I found the best nanny who was willing to go above and beyond. I am grateful to have her in my life and we compensate her well. I thought by giving my MIL autonomy to make the decisions I was giving her more freedom and warm welcome. Anything she wanted was at her disposal. I really do not understand why she would choose to act so differently with people around and would become a different person when alone with me and the baby. I still do not understand her refusal to prolong nanny’s hours. As soon as the baby cries she would call me. I was always willing to prolong the nanny hours but why so much reluctance on her part. Once again, money is not an issue for us. I really do not understand.


    I think penning this down made me realize where my resentment is coming from. This is therapeutic. Will give some more info when I get a chance.
     
    sheztheone likes this.
  6. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    OP- since you asked for a different perspective, here is mine:

    I have been married for a decade and have two children so I guess i do qualify. Anyway, your situation sounds quite similar to mine when I had my first child. However, unlike you, my in-laws live here in the USA and neither my parents nor my in-laws stayed with us long term to take care of the baby. My in-laws came for a week and my husband and I were very appreciative of that.
    We are also working parents and I started going to work when my son was 8 weeks- first for few hours and when he was 10 weeks old I started going full time. We asked around and found our babysitter (who was my friend's wife) before the baby was born. We met a couple of times after my son was born so he could get familiar with him. I still went twice a day to feed him since our babysitter lived close to my work (5 min driving distance not walking distance) and then we moved to another state when my son was 3 months old and I negotiated a delayed start (3 months) so we could find another babysitter/nanny.
    In our new place, we were 2 hours driving distance from my in-laws and they did visit us every month for 2-3 days but we never expected them to be the caretaker of the child. There were times when my son couldn't go to the daycare (we moved him to daycare when he was ~18 months) and both husband and I had to be at work, my in-laws esp my MIL always stepped up during those times and once even drove in the morning to get to our place and babysat. We did not expect her to cook for us while helping us tremendously with the baby. I always made sure to not only thank verbally but also either send an email or a thank you note. After all, my child is my responsibility not hers.
    Since then, we have moved again and are now on the opposite coast of USA. My in-laws and parents still visit us and now for longer time (usually 7-10 days or 2-3 months in case of my parents) but our kids still go to the daycare as usual.

    Let me say this before closing, when I was interviewing at the university where we moved when my son was 3 months old, my in-laws were helping with the baby. They drove to the place and stayed in a hotel with us. My husband already had an offer and we both were meeting with my potential advisor. My son cried uncontrollably and my FIL had to call us to come back. We stopped the interview there and ran back. By then he was fine but you get an idea. It is hard to comfort a child and your MIL calling you from the office wasn't meant to be an annoyance.

    All I can say is- count your blessings! Treat your MIL well and be thankful for all the help she has extended in the past.
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Some people hear what they want to hear only. Yet, I give my response for those who wants to read, including you OP

    Why did you depend on her solely? I mean, it is your child, your home and obviously it should be primarily your decision about the timing of the nanny.

    See. You are an independent working women, living in the US. Struggles a lot with career and child care to the extend of compromising your work timing.
    Why should u wait till your H increases your nanny's timing.
    Why do you even wait for him to pay for your nanny or have a say/control over the nanny timing.
    You have your salary, and the authority to get a nanny and pay for her. After all, she is gonna replace you at some-level at home when you are out.

    Yup, asking more nanny time is perfect as long as you can afford it.
    I remember, holding my babies in one hand and doing almost all the works at home when nanny is not around. There are times when kids refuse to go to nanny or any other family member when mommy is around. Specially after office time, my kids would never let me leave them. So, it is all part of motherhood. Enjoy it


    Oh... you and your friend...
    Believe me. My own mom is almost like a second mom to my kids. She is taking care of them since their birth and they do love her a lot. But when they were small, and when we were out, my kids won't even let me eat at the parties.
    Everyone would try to hold them. My mom would even make sure she eats before me, so that she could hold the child while I eat. But the child would refuse to go.
    But no one doubts or questions the child's bond with her/his grandma.
    It is just like that. Sometimes, young kids needs mommy all the time. They can be cranky after long travel. They don't wanna leave you when you are around.
    People understand this....
     
  8. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Last edited: Nov 24, 2018
  9. Blinky

    Blinky Bronze IL'ite

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    Elementary Halo!

    If you notice someone disobliging in proximity yet reasonable and enthusiastic in a gathering, you might want to introspect if you have been uneasily critical about their engagement in private which has deflated them to conduct themselves only in view, with impartial eyes and ears to evaluate them fairly, not necessarily favorably. MIL: I do take care, but to what I know.

    MIL might have been too intimidated in her failing to not have acquired that new-age natal care and other quibbles which you have pointedly observed that she withdrew from secluded care to demonstrate her nurture only in public, fearful of being misinterpreted, as seems to have been the case, between you both. She is puzzled. Why you dislike her proverbial care-taking? She may be afraid of your censorious shrug. In public view, your deprecation ascertained within four walls (but she is not taking care well) could be outweighed by her natural instincts (how else to take care), this being her outlet and chance for unbiased appraisal against your motivated 15-bulleted reasoning.

    This might explain her willingness in public but retreat in private.

    Your MIL being a housewife and not a project manager would not have had a clue on how to estimate the nanny hours. 3 man hours or 8 man hours?! Cut her some slack if she flubbed the metrics and reasoned that three hours would have been sufficient, and she being an Indian parent, even if their well-heeled child can afford, they would advise to conserve on bills. That's just adorable Indian parents and their cautious living.

    Having an office across the street, a MIL who didn't resist to your feeding technique and rustled up some cucina povera to eat, a husband whom you could separate away with no considerable damage are not your prominent blessings. Your outstanding blessing is your hard-hitting parents ....who remarked:

    It is only human to be fault-finding and suspicious of such good fortune that we motivate ourselves into contesting that something must be wrong. As you barrel your way into another 15-point analysis, you might divulge, carp and sway us with astonishing incidents in retrospection ...but on Tuesday on August 24th she decided to ..My view, don't dredge up much critical assessment of the past. Your first post is charming, just a hmm-but-then, don't propel yourself to go astray and lose out on these supportive and wonderful folks in your life. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2018
  10. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    This is the answer . She is not your employee she is your husband’s mom . The fault is on your husband who neither understood his mom’s problem or wife and just wanted to save money . He made the decision to increase hours only when it affected him the most your income . Few bad decisions made nothing to brood about . Be Thankful she did what she could do . Count your blessings.
     
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