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How To Handle This?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Halosandwings, Nov 23, 2018.

  1. Halosandwings

    Halosandwings Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello Everybody! For those in USA Happy Thanksgiving! I am writing this post to clear my thoughts and to get a third person’s perspective. I would appreciate if any male members or women with long married life can share their opinion.


    I have been married for 7 years. I had a child one and half years back. When my baby was 3-month-old my in laws came to United States to help us. My FIL left after some weeks and MIL stayed with us for close to 9 months. We were in the process of moving from one state to another state when they came here. My husband and I were joining a new job in the new state. I was able to find a nanny very soon after moving to the new state. However, my husband and I were initially reluctant to have the nanny for longer hours. We both were hoping that the mother-in-law will be able to take care of the child while I work. We felt having family around would be a good thing for him. I work in a moderately intense job but get frequent days off. I’m home for 2 weeks in a 4 week period but very busy on the days I work. So I was hopeful it will work out well as I will be off for quite some time. We also had the nanny to take the edge off my MIL. Initially she was employed only for 3 hours during the daytime on the days I used to work. Unfortunately, things did not go as planned. My baby started to refuse formula soon after I started to work. I was under intense pressure to pump enough for the baby. I showed my mother-in-law how to do paced feeding. But she continued to overfeed the baby. Eventually, I worked with her to and got the issue resolved. My baby is either needed to be rocked or breast fed to sleep. He would continue to cry and cry without sleeping. My mother-in-law used to call me from work whenever the baby would cry and I have to put him to sleep. I used to live right across the street from my place of work. It was very hard for me to balance work and child care. As a breast-feeding mother I used to be very hungry. I prefer to eat healthy foods. I prefer to eat low-carb diet as I have some medical issues. At the same time, there was not enough healthy food made at home. I started to take over the cooking responsibility in my off time and used to freeze food for my working days. I had to manage the cooking while looking after my baby at the same time. My baby was a poor sleeper. He started to sleep through the night at age of 14 months. It was a very tough on me with lack of sleep, work and challenges of new motherhood.


    At around age of 6-7 months my baby started to refuse bottle. At that point, I would have to go from work to nurse him and also again to put him to sleep. I was leaving the work every 2 hours for 3 or 4 times. I used to do work from home after the baby slept and then only to wake up for a couple of times during the night to feed the baby. My baby would sometimes wake up and wont sleep for a couple of hours and I have to take care of the baby. When the baby was 9 month old or so, I was hinted by my bosses that I can not leave office so often. This eventually lead my husband to finally agree to have the nanny full time. I also decided to have her in my days off too as the baby was more mobile and I was unable to look after the child and cook as well. My nanny has been my life saver. Nanny would only call me when the baby needed milk. My MIL left soon after my baby turned one and with the help of nanny I have been managing work, home and child care responsibilities very well. My nanny is super awesome and I am blessed to have her.


    Now coming to the issue, I was extremely frustrated with the minimal support from my family members. My husband would not take care of the baby at nights except for a handful of times. His excuse is that he does not make milk. I agree but he could have taken care of the baby while he needed to be rocked to sleep but he would not. I understand my MIL is older (mid 50s) but how hard is to manage the child for a couple of hours while I cook? And is it that hard to cook for 3 adults when you spent your entire life as a home maker? I was not expecting her to handle the baby at night or I was not planning to handover my responsibilities as a mother. I know it would be hard on her. All I wanted was a little bit of support. She would always call me but never my husband when the baby cried though we both work in the same place. I grew extremely resentful of everything that was happening. Looking back maybe I could have asked the nanny to stay longer without waiting for husband’s approval or asked to consider the situation more firmly. But I did not. I have only indirectly hinted him like mentioning how often I have to come and how tired I was feeling. He has this romantic notion of his child being raised by his mother. My MIL would not care for my baby when I am around and it’s an entirely different story when hubby is around. I have told her many times I can increase nanny work hours if she feels stressed but she would not agree to it and rather make my life stressful. Anyways my resentment grew inside me and I started to dislike my MIL and it started to become visible in my attitude and actions. My husband was not happy with me for my behavior. I get it that it would be very hard for a person to find faults with the person who brought him/her into the world and raised so preciously. But I find his complete lack of empathy for my suffering very annoying. His whole attitude seems to be that many women do this, so deal with it. He was not even concerned about my nutritional needs but was upset that I do not eat food prepared by MIL. I can not handle too spicy stuff (I know, not very Indian thing to say :shakehead:) and the food gave me gastritis. We had a couple of major fights and we started to become distant.


    After my MIL left, we patched up and doing well in our relationship. But I was seriously considering separation at that time but eventually things improved. I don’t know if this would be considered as a silly reason for separation but I felt I can handle fine alone as my husband was not supportive. Things eventually got better. Life has been peaceful for the last 6 months or so. Now, My husband wants to bring MIL in February. When he mentioned this yesterday, I had all the painful memories come back. I cried in my bed :)shakehead:I know) and could not sleep until 4 am. I did not realize I was this traumatized. I have noticed my husband was acting little distant yesterday (what I call Ice King mode:BangHead:). I don’t know why. May be he is going through some internal turmoil. I am not the kind of person to ask my spouse not to bring his mother to our home but at the same time I do not want to be traumatized. My relationship with my MIL was good before she had this lengthy stay. She gifted me one of her gold ornaments for my baby shower. I think we have very different back grounds and perspectives to begin with. I don’t wear any gold at all and really don’t care much about cloths and jewels etc where is she is very much into it. I would have preferred some support rather than gold ornaments. Her reluctance to look after the kid when I am around is not something I can understand. I was not raised by family to feel inferior for being a woman where as my ILs feel otherwise. I spoke with her minimally since her departure from US. I am not the kind of woman to stay home and take care of the child (it will make me suicidal:roflmao:). All said and done, now I have a good system in place for cooking, child care etc and I have a peaceful life. I am not sure how I should conduct myself when the MIL arrives here and I don’t know how to keep the home peaceful. I would like to find a way to maintain domestic peace without me becoming a sacrificial lamb. I was told by my parent to suck it up and move on. But I think I have too much bad feelings about what happened. It may happen with time but right now I am not there. I would like to have some input from you guys to make the best of this situation.


    Thank you so much for taking time to go through this extremely lengthy and boring rant. I look forward to your perspectives and views.
     
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  2. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Things are good now, be happy about it. Forget the past. You can’t change past. Think positively. Everyone involved including you and your mil gave their best during that phase. Whoever is forgiving will be happy and peaceful. Build your relationship and make your husband understand parenting is his responsibility too. When your mil comes over to your place, don’t be dependent on her for baby sitting. Instead make your husband participate. By make I didn’t mean demand, I meant explaining compassionately to the person who has been in a male centric family for more than 20 years since childhood. Lead by example.

     
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  3. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    You underestimate work of your MIL . The sole responsibility of your child lies on you and your husband . You expected way too much from you Mil . You should be thankful for the help she did . Forget the past and learn to appreciate people . I don’t know why people spoil life time relationship with in-laws by handing over the child care responsibility. I had nanny for my kids . In bigger scheme of things the money was wisely spent . You shouldn’t have to wait for permission from husband or MIL to employ nanny full time . You have to be selfish and do things in the best interest of you otherwise you will have resentment for rest of your life . In this situation nobody is at fault some bad decisions were bad and everyone has to be own up for that . Invite her and reconsider building the relationship back.
     
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  4. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    Ur mil did all what more can she do..
    Be happy she did atleast mine would sit on her** n never did a thing Z u have better one then mine.
    Why didnt u invite your parents too to help u out.. 9 months with a baby even with nanny it’s really nice of her to do..
    u forget about the past give her a chance but still keep your guards up .
     
  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think your MIL has done fine , you can even feel grateful for the help. You don't care that MIL gave gold , she should have taken more care of your baby better , but what she did may be a big thing for her, so appreciate it. She stayed without husband for 9 months in a lonely foreign culture , so feel grateful. She has done sacrifice by leaving her husband for 9 months to supervise your baby .Change your perspective about her and you will enjoy the visit.

    But I agree problem is with your husband, he did not support you at a crucial time, a breastfeeding mother doesn't need to be criticised about food choices etc He has to be explained that his parenting responsibility is equal. Little bit of pampering a new mother, cooking for her comfort will make a big difference for his baby itself.
     
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Your mil has been nice to you.
    She did all she could.
    Your child is your and your husband's responsibility.
    She gave you the child back once you came back from work and you got an opportunity to bond and also learn to manage .
    She called you at work because she was overwhelmed by a crying child and could not stop the crying. What else could she do?
    She did the best she could and that helped you go back to work .

    You should be thankful to her for making your life easier in difficult times so that you could continue to work. Managing work ,home and child is not easy for anyone. Not even for the superwomen.

    Your husband is the one who should get the blame and the resentment.

    He doesn't have milk...but does he not have a heart ?does he not have a lap to hold the baby on?
    Does he not have arms to hold the baby? Does he not have a mouth to say soothing words to the baby?

    Ask him this? Sort this out with him before you ever plan a second child .

    Some fault lies with you too .
    What is the use of working if you cannot take decisions regarding childcare and how it has to be done.
    If your husband is not involved in childcare,why let him have a say on the nanny issue.
    Be more assertive about decisions that involve you and your life.

    What to do now?

    Your mil seems like a good person. You both are different people . Acknowledge the difference and be a good host. Ask your husband to be a good host and get involved in taking care of child and mil.( Have a talk before mil arrives).

    Do not change the way you are living now.
    Don't leave childcare to mil .
    Let the child have a same routine.
    Don't do anything extra.
    Make the same meals...if required go out for family meals or order food.
    Don't over burden yourself.
    Spend time with mil .
    Buy her a nice gift and thank her for helping out with the child.
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Been married long enough, so I qualify. But curious about the criteria -- male members need not be married long enough to share their opinion? Or that is applicable to both? And anyway, why should be married long?

    If I were in your MIL's place, I would have vamoosed with the FIL, and mistakenly packed the gold I gifted in baby shower. Sorry dear, on Thanksgivng day such a post is darned annoying to read.

    So, she came at a time when the household was not fully setup. New baby and move to another state at the same time!

    You would go "suicidal" if you had to stay home with your own baby. MIL got a nanny for three hours on days you worked to "take the edge off" MIL?

    I actually looked up what is paced feeding. Paced bottle feeding: How to Do It and Why You'd Want To

    Paced bottle feeding is a method of feeding your baby that mimics breastfeeding. As the name suggests, it involves pacing your feedings to allow baby to be in “control” of, process, and recognize his own “satiety,” or feeling of fullness. Baby is going to eat more slowly and work harder to get the milk (like he would with breast-feeding) as opposed to typical bottle feeding.
    You seriously expected MIL to learn this newfangled funda? And she did master it? Shaking my head! If it is not my biological baby or a baby I adopted, the max I would do is feed on a schedule or feed on demand. MIL learning and mimicing breastfeeding with a bottle???

    Wow.

    That is what any child care provider will do. Call the mother of a baby. Unless instructed to call the father.

    Think about it from her pov. Away from her husband, taking care of your baby, and cooking, and her food is not healthy enough for you. Your one line "I prefer to eat healthy foods" says a lot.

    You guys took undue advantage of MIL and also of flexibility provided at work to new moms.

    At least that should have made it obvious how much hard work your MIL put in.

    How hard is it to manage a baby for couple of hours? Hard. Very hard.

    Yes, it is very hard to cook for any number of adults after being responsible for a baby whose parents are away at work, in a country and kitchen the mid-50's MIL is not used to.

    Seriously! You expected her to take care of baby and cook for 3 adults? And what does entire life as a home maker have to do with that? That comment of yours says many things not actually said.

    That is the norm. Mother is called. Unless instructions have been given to the contrary.

    Exactly. Your husband didn't do his share and he also didn't want to throw money at the problem.

    You guys had office located across the street from home. MIL who is healthy enough to take care of child. Nanny whose hours could get extended. Many people would go down on their knees and pray for 1/3 of those conveniences.

    She expected you to take care of the baby while at home. What has that got to do with "inferior for being a woman"? If you want to bring in how your family raised you -- they did not raise you to have the grace to appreciate what your MIL did for you guys for 9 months.

    Very rude. No matter what, she stayed for 9 months.
    Exactly. Your MIL did for 9 months what would make you suicidal. Stayed in your home and looked after your and your husband's child.

    Wise advice.

    You asked. : )

    I am curious whether your MIL will agree to come. Won't be surprising if she makes excuses.
     
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2018
  8. Halosandwings

    Halosandwings Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks everyone for taking time ang giving your opinion... it's pretty late here and I will post some more when I get a chance...

    In general, if I was so dependent on my MIL why do you think my life magically got better after she left?
     
  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Things got magically better because u got a full time nanny to compensate for your uncooperative husband.
    I know u have worked very hard, juggling baby breast feeding, work, cooking etc and I feel for you. If your husband had taken up the tasks he was biologically capable of like cooking, coming home from work to put baby to sleep, putting baby to sleep at night .. all these on some the days, or atleast be willing to pay for full time nanny,cook then no one would have suffered, including ur MIL-FIL long-separation.

    Please focus on communicating to ur husband instead of blaming a poor woman and making her unwelcome after her huge sacrifices. Seriously , elderly woman leaving husband for 9 months to look after your baby , that's not even her responsibility. Maybe u have some previous resentment towards MIL for any other issues I'm not aware of that makes u so bitter. I wont judge u because I understand that as son-DIL u may have to take care of PILs in old age and that time u too may be judged by them for how you take care and you will have to do most work instead of professional caretaker/old age home. But in this particular post, she comes across as one of the good MILs. Hope u take in good spirit ,change ur perspective , everything will be better .
     
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2018
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Your life got better because...
    1)Your child was a year old.
    2) You were a year into motherhood and had learnt to manage better .
    3) You got yourself a full time nanny.
    4) With your mil gone,you had to do it all yourself so probably planned better.
     

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