Relationship Hijack And Banter

yellowmango · Sep 24, 2018

Amulet said: ↑

I thought the newbie was "one of mine" messing with me here. Sent weird email .
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Which newbie?

yellowmango · Sep 24, 2018

nakshatra1 said: ↑

DIL should.not be so spoilt to expect MIL to pamper her like mother . MIL should not be so unrealistic as to criticise/micromanage/try to change DIL and expect her not to be offended like daughter . MIL should not claim to be like mother and become patronising and try to wipe off DILs identity and choices . Just like DIL shouldn't take MIL for granted - she should have compassion for MILs age and not expect her MIL to take care of her kids . Better to realise and respect the boundaries in relationship and then only relationship can improve and become genuine and loving . In initial stages both sides should maintain their boundaries, be respectful and keep no unfair expectations ; that will lead to best relationship in long run .
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Mil and dil relationship is such a forced relationship in our culture.

Two people who don't know each other,usually have only a person in common are forced to become close family with no time for a relationship to develop naturally.

Things would be so much better if our culture allowed then to start slow and give each other time to develop that relationship .

Things would be better if the expectations and entitlements were removed and they interacted as two human being first .

Amulet · Sep 24, 2018

yellowmango said: ↑

Which newbie?
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Never mind.

Rakhii · Sep 25, 2018

Last night he yelled at me. I am not sure if should be happy or sad.

Sad because he raised his voice (after a very long time...like 2 years now).
Happy because he yelled that I am working too much doing this and that and dont rest and if I get pneumonia, the whole family will fall apart...he realised that i work way too much, trying to hold everything and everyone togetehr.

Should I be happy or sad? I felt neither.

Rihana · Sep 25, 2018

When the kids were that young (under 5-6 years) we said things to each other that we didn't mean, and didn't say sorry often enough. Yelled too at times. It was the new normal. Didn't fight it much. As kids grew older, the yellings are more lady and gentleman like, arranged so that kids can't hear, often outside the home. : ) If at a coffee place near home, then we are pros at a quick smile as someone we know passes by, and then back to grim face.

There is no should be happy or should be sad. Reactions cannot be made to order. One has to fall in them, like one falls in love. : ) And then rise, and move on to the next ........ : )

I personally would feel like 'phew things are getting back to normal" if one of us yelled at the other after 2 yrs.

Laks09 · Sep 26, 2018

Rakhii said: ↑

Should I be happy or sad? I felt neither.
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If I were you, I would be apprehensive too. Knowing the history, I would be worried about going back to good old days too.
It's probably a one-off thing though. Try to brush it off as such. If for two years things have been going good, one instance cannot be what makes it all go away. Stay positive. He does have a right to be worried about you and let you know too(even via yelling).

Amulet · Sep 26, 2018

Laks09 said: ↑

If I were you........ Knowing the history, I would be ....
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In many large ongoing social groups or associations, there is bound to be coteries, cliques and cabals. Groups of individuals that know the history. Recent, and new entrants can watch and learn. I liked both the responses -- one with "we do this" and the other "if I were you".
My mind wandered off on whether couples who interact in a 3rd language (neither's mother tongues) have less of these tiffs, and whether raising a voice would become more and more difficult as he/they ages/age.

Rakhii · Sep 26, 2018

Laks09 said: ↑

If I were you, I would be apprehensive too. Knowing the history, I would be worried about going back to good old days too.
It's probably a one-off thing though. Try to brush it off as such. If for two years things have been going good, one instance cannot be what makes it all go away. Stay positive. He does have a right to be worried about you and let you know too(even via yelling).
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exactly. I would not want the old days, ever again. I promised myself I will not put up with it and I would not like to get tested on it.
He is right. Thing is, his fixes are so very different from my fixes. His fix would be to have pizza hut on speed dial (which he does by the way) and mine would be think of cheese, dough etc that may aggravate the existing constipation issues in kids. I was actually surprised more than anything. I used to walk away when he used to yell but before I could react, he actually walked away (I think in an attempt to stop an argument/ discussion about it). oh well

Rakhii · Sep 26, 2018

Amulet said: ↑

My mind wandered off on whether couples who interact in a 3rd language (neither's mother tongues) have less of these tiffs, and whether raising a voice would become more and more difficult as he/they ages/age.
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3rd language will not reduce the rifts. That i can personally vouch for.

and with age, i guess it slowly is mellowing down. At 30 he was so...different than he is now (and he just turned 40).

Dreamer · Sep 27, 2018

My first time on this thread. What do you people think of the 'obligation' children have towards their parents? I have seen many couples have kids just to have someone 'support' them in their old age. I believe that kids should be brought into this world to bring couples together. Do you think it's right to look at kids as an insurance for old age?