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Ils Biased Nature Hurting Dh

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by smilingdoll, Sep 17, 2018.

  1. smilingdoll

    smilingdoll New IL'ite

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    Dear Ladies,

    It is like a vent.I welcome suggestions on how I should percieve

    Background
    My husband and his younger brother are only children for my ILs.ILs both are from Govt field.FIL is retired and MIL is still working.Both are physically and Financially independent.All their property(2 storey house + 3 plots) is their hard earned money.

    BIL studied in private engineering college with donation , no control on his monthly expenditure.Pawned golden chain to threw party for friends in a hotel. During his final year of education,diagnosed with illness led to diabetics.He was with backlogs since first year and finally cleared all backlogs in 6 years.
    DH was an avg student in studies but always within control in every aspect in life.

    Myself and DH are from IT Field. BIL stayed with us till his marriage.During BIL 2.5 years stay,never expected any financial contribution not even in my dreams as he is my DH's brother.ILs stay in different town.Once my MIL spoke very cheap about my younger brother when he visited my home during breakfast time as my brother came without prior intimation.Whereas my BIL used to wait for me to give him money when I ask him to get even a milk packet.This is okay for me though and never felt cheap when BIL is earning.

    I may sound jealous with below examples,mentioning these are necessary to bring up the actual issue.

    • I funded all gold for my marraige,ILs bought similar jewellery for my co-sister during BIL wedding as she is from financially not well to do family.This is okay from Parents end but they told me that BIL funded which is incorrect based on the fact as he was earning only 8k PM and cannot afford to buy 4 lacs worth of gold with 2 years service.But co-sister maintenance and wishes are not less than rich people.
    • We bought a land for us with Personal Loan,FIL bought plot next to us for BIL
    • We bought house for us with 20 years House loan,FIL bought house for BIL from his retirement money.
    • We furnished all appliances with EMIs , ILs furnished for my BIL home during first month of marriage.When we bought Microwave,immediate month microwave was be in BIL's home.several instances in similar lines.Whatever we have in our home,same will be funded by ILs to BIL and Co-sister.
    • We tried to buy a 8 lacs worth car on loan,MIL warned us , do you guys really need this.my DH and myself are earning okay to fund a car due to 50 km round trip daily to office.But ILs bought 8 lacs car to BIL immediate month
    • During every summer,ILs stay with us.I always treated them with due respect preparing 3 course meal being working MOM.Co-sister never fed ILs with a single meal being SAHM.If situation demands,MIL has to cook at BIL's house.I have never seen ILs staying at BILs home not even for a single day in last 5 years.Once Co-sister locked herself in room till ILs were out of the BILs house.
    There are so many examples to list which is never ending
    • Over a period of time BIL salary got raised from 8k to 40K.But lifestyle is of 1 lac per month due to ILs support.BIL left his job and asked 20 lacs from ILs to start business ,same has been fulfilled,DH was aware about this after an year.BIL sold his flat and shifted to villa for rent.ILs not informed on selling the flat which they bought.
    • One day credit card executive came to my home in search of BIL as he stopped picking up their calls as BIL is due for 1.4 lac.BIL aadhar has my home address
    • One of my MIL's relative visited my home,mentioned that BIL owe them 2.5 lacs and BIL is not picking the phone.There is one more instance of 50K due to another relative as well.We are aware of only these 3 incidents not sure still how many are there.
    • BIL joined his daughter in international school with 4.2 lac per annum fees towards all expenses for UKG.

    Issue:
    Knowing all above debts and aggresive spending pattern, DH spoke with ILs and told ILs to control on BIL debts and his expenses.ILs shouted on DH saying that it is not DH's business to mind.DH felt really bad,stopped talking to ILs.I was quiet during the argument and after the argument as well.

    My ILs are always biased towards BIL,that is fine till they can afford and support,but not at the cost of spoiling thier son.Not bringing him to the reality and actual financial capability.In the due course DH is feeling bad towards ILs biased nature.

    P.S. I treated FIL as my father but he made me realise the true colors that he is just my husband's father.ILs speak a lot of negative about my DH ,I heard accidently once.DH is a wonderful human being with lots of love towards his parents.I strongly support his feelings towards his parents no matter what they do.I am little cold with ILs as they ill treated my kid/DH when compared to BIL's daughter during several incidents

    Thanks a lot for reading.Any suggestions are welcome
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2018
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  2. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Now that your DH has spoken to his parents and they have asked him to mind his work, you people should literally follow this and not get into any more discussion about this. It is evident that your ILs have soft corner to your BIL more , maybe because he is the one in need.

    Just remain distant henceforth and manage your life. Ensure that you have good investments and don't have to be surprised if in future properties don't come to your DH. Not scaring you, but warning you so that you remain stressfree.. Regarding people coming to your house for money, just redirect them to your ILs place since they are the the ones who need to answer on behalf of your BIL.
     
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  3. Sri2196

    Sri2196 Silver IL'ite

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    It is best for you and your dh to not involve in your bil's matters. Let your ILs spend as much as they can. Stay away from the drama. You ILs will realise in duecourse of time
     
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  4. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes , feeling of partiality hurts but ur problems are not that big because no one is asking for ur money to fund their expenses .nor are ur in-laws are financially dependent on u . So u also should not interfere in their matters as u have warned once that's enough and they asked to stay away He is an adult.
    It is ur in-laws hard earned money and they are financially independent, they can give to whomever they want . We have no right to expect money or assets from parents and in-laws .nor is there any disproportionate responsibility on u to complain .
    I'm not cirticusing u , just telling that u have a good life and understanding husband so u need not worry . Just make clear to ILs that tomorrow u guys will not be asked to pay BILs unsustainable debts. Also suggest your ILs that they can give whatever to BIL but after making sure they saved enough for their own post retirement needs.

    About serving ILs by cooking , that is ur wish similarly it's cosis wish to cook or not that's between them . If PILs force u to cook then u can complain .Better do something from heart else don't do with resentment
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2018
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  5. smilingdoll

    smilingdoll New IL'ite

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    Thanks for the insight..I did not find your inputs as criticism..we were/will be never behind ILs money instead we upgraded home appliances for ILs whenever MIL is struggling with faulted ones and FIL always rules off MIL's needs.
    Myself and DH strongly believe in hardwork and self respect in spending our own money..
    My major worry is FIL is taking loans against property and giving money to BIL.Taking chit money ahead and giving to BIL.It will be on our head if something goes wrong as BIL will never come to ILs rescue.They are multiple instances to support this statement.

    Myself and DH are struggling to keeps my living/future savings in place having our Kid in daycare.

    Thanks again for inputs
     
  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Exactly , this is why I had mentioned that speak to ILs to give whatever after securing their own post retirement future and also clarify that u will not be responsible for BILs unsustainable debts . If u are expected to be responsible for it then u have a say.

    Now that u have clarified how it will affect u , then I understand ur concerns better. U need to have a.serious talk with PILs and explain to them how exactly it will come onto Ur head . And that's why u have right to advise BIL against leading an unsustainable luxury life .


    I'm still not clear how exactly it will come on ur head but u will be knowing the technical details better. 'Im still not sure if Pils have taken loan against your property or theirs. If it's their property then u have no right to interference . just clarify the details to them and talk .
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2018
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  7. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    It is not uncommon to see bias like this. If they don't want it to be your DH's business to mind, it sure is not. Back off and take care of your own little family. Getting involved is only going to get your DH in trouble at the end. Make it clear to everyone that you have nothing to do with BIL's or ILs finances. With others telling that BIL owes money, you should all the more completely stay away from BILs and ILs. Make sure you do not over extend yourselves; it is easy to get into debt.

    As a son and daughter-in-law, be there for them when they ask for help. Your distance will help them open their eyes.

    You cannot tell other grown adults what to do you can only control your own actions. You try to be safe and secure with your finances. You be a loving wife and be there for him. Whatever happened is water under the bridge; you should not concern yourself with that. Make sure you are not part of any financial dealings of your ILs or BILs. At the end if ILs end up with no money, it is their own doing and you don't have to feel guilty about it.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2018
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  8. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    If I were you I would be happy that the PIL’s do not want you to bother about BIL’s mess. The first step would be to ask him to change his address on the adhar card first . Do you know you and your family could be harmed by someone who cannot get in touch with him for their money ? Your BIL is useless . I don’t see him changing. In the future he might come to you and Husband for financial help. So make it clear to every person that is concerned that you and hubby have nothing to do with this.
    Don’t feel bad about PIL’s behavior. Be happy that you and husband are capable of taking care of themselves.
    Your PIL’s are responsible for encouraging your BIL’s careless behavior. Let them deal with it.
     
  9. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    IMO you should not have gone out of the way for BIL. It is one thing to help PILs, but DH's siblings is an entirely different story as they are your peers. At some point, resentment will creep up as you are human, and people change over time.

    Looks like your BIL has fleeced your PILs and it will not stop here. I would suggest that you completely back off from here on, and let your DH handle his side of the family. Do not go overboard with PILs, and maintain a cool distance. Let them understand that you cannot be taken for a ride.
     
  10. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes some parents treat each kid differently.
    Stop revealing all your financial matters to them. Even if you buy something keep it as a secret. It’s your heard earned money you need not tell everyone what you purchased.
    Maintain distance between them.
    Finally ask your BIL to change his address proof , this is mandatory !
     

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