Seeking Advise

Been married 13 years now. Have 2 kids (both in elementary). Live in US and I work full time and I am quite independent. ILs visit us every 1-2 years and stay with us 3-4 months at a stretch. Even though I tried to build a good relationship with them in the beginning; I had a rocky start especially with my MIL. I tried been a daughter but long story short- I was made to realize that I can't be a daughter. I realized my boundaries and now try to stay within my boundaries whenever they visit. (Example: She doesn't like me in the kitchen around weekdays/ but expects me to get up early mornings on weekends so I cook and get their BF ready on time; make sure I touch their feet whenever I see them - and the list goes on). My DH being the only son - she is possessive about him. I do have a SIL who's elder to my DH and she lives on other coast. ILs goes to visit them as well every time they are here. Every time they visit us, me and DH get into fights cause of household issues and MIL issues. I have tried many times to ignore these issues, forget about past but it comes back and haunt me whenever they come back.

What bothers me is that each time they come, DH changes his behavior. Takes special interest in kitchen, what's cooking, starts making decision on small and trivial things which he usually never bothers about when they are not around. Its like stepping on my toes for no good reason. I know he's just trying to make sure his mom is comfortable. At times I feel there are 3 cooks in the kitchen. My kids don't like my MIL cooking so I sometimes step in to the kitchen on a weekday to prepare their meals. During the current visit, I have seen an extreme. He's like bee around the queen. DH is usually less social; its always me driving the kids to the b'day parties and is he's always absent from anything social. However this time around; I have seen him change completely: taking special interest in taking them everywhere. Making sure they are with us in all the gatherings (even if the ILs are not invited). He's treating them extra special and being the best son. What's driving my crazy this time is:

a. He's planning to get them to be permanent here. He doesn't want them to leave US. He's applying for their green card. He believes they are getting old and need him more than ever.
b. Cause of the above; I don't want to get my citizen ship even though I am eligible.
c. I can't help but compare DH's behavior differences between when they are here versus when my parents are here (DH completely shuts off- sometimes not even greet my parents when they are around).
d. My kids have now started noticing the impact of my ILS when they are around. My daughter especially checks on me every day asking if I am doing okay. Yes, I am not myself when they are around. I am depressed/ sometimes cry in the night= and my daughter realizes that its cause of my ILs. Even though I find it very comforting that in my family atleasy my kids care about me; I feel my daughter is drawing a cold shoulder for my MIL cause of what she seen what I am going through. I am torn on getting between a dadi- grand kid relationship.
e. I find comfort in taking my kids shoulder; example- I have been sleeping in my kids room since they are here. I am tired from work and given the close bond between DH and MIL I feel lonely and deserted. Many days I have waited for my DH but he's busy catching up and talking to them in the night. Its impacting our personal intimate relationship as well as I just see a son in him and not a husband in him anymore. By then time he comes to our room I have already hit the snooze button. Ever since this change of pattern I find it comforting sleeping in with my kids then my own room.

Next steps:
I feel like I am compromising at many steps and this is not the life I would like to ideally lead. It scares me to death of how my life will become once they are permanent here. I feel like calling it quits but it will ruin my kids and their life. I don't know what else to do. Would appreciate if you could advise me on my situation as I feel I am mentally drained and stressed out.

 

I have. Not an easy topic to bring up in front of him; but whenever I have talked to him he feels that they are bored and have no one else to talk. According to DH I on the contrary have work; and friends here. They can't drive so need him beside them. I feel like I have become a roommate then a wife in the house. When I brought this to him and he asked me to take a decision and stay happy whatever path I choose. Cause he is happy with whatever he is doing and he doesn't see anything wrong with it.

 

We have had these discussions several time. There is no conclusion and is left open ended. He wouldn't give up on their GC. He believes it us who are younger to them and need to make them comfortable as they don't have anything else to do in the house. Touching feet is a ritual which has cause meltdowns in the past. My MIL got furious once when I forgot to touch her feet (this was before kids); and ever since I made a checklist in my head to do it to prevent further such dramas. When my MIL's or DH heart didn't melt when I was 9 months pregnant then I don't expect them to change now.