Please Advice Should I Continue This Pregnancy Where Our Relationship Sinking

Rose03 · Jul 9, 2018

Hi ,

I am 31 years ( going to be 32 very soon) and been 5 years since got married and my husband is 6 years older to me. I have discussed about our relationship in this forum before. where my husband and family lied and got married. he is 9th standard fail and later passed 10th outside and did some errand courses and became system administrator . I am computer science engg graduate and talented student since my child hood . I am good looking and from well settled family . my father passed away , being the eldest at home I had to be get married with in one year of my father's demise . this guy was abroad( one of the south east asian countries) , they came with full of hi-fi/sci-fi and said he did MCA. our bad we did not check ( I was in 25 yrs) and they are far relative too when we called our close relative whom they know to some extent , they said they are ok..
they are not financially settled ( no own home), one older sister unmarried and stay at home , entire family is on his shoulders although older sister works. Their family live on motto " live now and enjoy to the fullest dont save for tomorrow" and their parents and all of them rely on his aunt and her husband and taking of care of their kids. all through life my so called husband served all of them which he says often but he is very happy about it and their family bonding is very strong . if they want to any bad they all do together. one instance is my marriage with him.

honestly we did not know that people like them would exist, where parents irresponsible about kids ( none of them had formal education) being brought up in cosmopolitan city but they have given good exposure to live a life. younger sister got love marriage where that guy is so nice he didn't have an option rather adjust to her and family.

they are all very smart in making people believe them , again can find out in 3 to 4 meetups. since our was arranged marriage, we had to decide our fate of married life in one meeting. guy comes and goes off and marriage will be in few weeks . we got to know his qualification and their cheating once the invitation card distributed realizing it was too late we had no option to left since my mom then single parent and still had sisters to get married.. How bad my situation was and how people take advantage of it? is GOD there ?

in the society my parents had very good name and fame and respected very well across for their good deeds. then i used to think why god did like this ?

all this aside, marriage went beyond their expectation as my dad's dream was to do as royal wedding although we know that once my daughter go there will have to suffer ( he cant take care of the my daughter with his salary ) , i came and got the job immediately , their family behind torturing me and my family for the so many grams of gold... on the other hand my husband had one chain ( which he returned to his family members, he is horrible guy) , he was expecting our car and our home and me to serve him ..
we did not have good relationship since then.. from day 1.. his lies and cheating he didnt admit about his education although i didnt ask since i thought it would hurt him and i empathized him thinking as long as he take good care of me its ok... but reality was different .. he is ill minded man..
I am from a family where we respect woman and doing good to people . but them , they are ready to do anything for their good.

I was pregnant just 4 months after marriage for the first baby.. my mom said he will change after kids( age-old saying) , he started traveling on business work since his job is technical support . although he could send another person on behalf of him , he dint even think i was pregnant and he and his family tour tuning me expecting me to call them often and not responding to me , i should update them everything g, even if i miss one they stop talking to me and my husband used to tell me to beg them or request them to talk to me. trust me i never did this to anyone in my life , from well respected family bending to them ( in the society , they are called very poor and not respected)

fast-forward I had a baby ( he was not ready to send me to my home and also he told me if anything happens to my daughter i will never leave anyone) today my daughter is so bright and talkative who has been brought up under my mom''s shelter.

fast forward I did not like , I had been given to poor family with no home nothing for them , I saved from my earning and bought a home during my maternity period while i was in India. property on his and my name . i feel some people are so lucky , i had to search ( searching house in Bangalore is not easy these days) and apply for loan ,get registered and alter the home , look for the prospective tenant. when he came everything was ready and sit for house warming ceremony..

fast forward , I came to know that he lied a lot about his salaried and extra income too .. where i was saving every penny.. felt very bad also..

we still fight very hard every now and then before my daughter . he knows that I burst out and he makes me irritated and make people think that i bad ..which my family members discovered too. i take my daughter everywhere as single parent. he does not my daughter out for playing too.. if the weekend comes , he will be watching movies all day and nigh starting Friday night until Sunday night.
does this what these gen fathers do ?

he beats me and I scold him hard for his bad behavior.. even now he is not part of anything . complete responsibility of my daughter on me .
amidst all this I am pregnant again , going to be 8 weeks soon.. i told him , he said as usual " i am traveling and giving the money ( he spends 40% of his salary , rest he gives false account ) when i said show me back account, for which he said show me trust then i will show you .. " which he is been saying for the last 5 years .. and now after saying that i am pregnant . I was devastated..

sometimes i hate him , whenever my family members at home for a visit, he checks their bags and spy them ( he keeps a recorder at home) and checks all the messages when the mobile connected to home wifi , which i did not believe untill he told me something when i messaged to my family members . i thougt he would have unlocked the phone ( i have no secrets) and untill my brother came and figured out ..

I cant accept that I am married to a person who is doing all this

I thought not to have 2nd baby , because i am not sure if I am going to live with him or how long our relationship lasts.. I am planning to migrate to other country with my daughter..

for the last 2 weeks I am thinking , i know its a sin to abort but my condition , how will i manage if I have two kids.. I feel eventually everything on woman's shoulders taking care of financially by working, home , kids and career and family future..

sometimes i feel its a sin to born as woman..
I tell my mom now, because of the society pressure girls should get married early with out the proper background check which she wil have to suffer all through her life if she gets hitched to bad guy

Please advise... sometimes i feel can i remarry ,me having toddler daughter now ? or should I continue this relationship live all my life as a single parent and fake relationship.. I would not have come to this decision if he loved me. I remember him saying if i had not have a baby he would have divorced me..

Thanks for reading a long post

Parry22 · Jul 9, 2018

So sorry you had to go through all this. It must be very difficult going through such a low phase in life. I can understand you might be feeling that life has been unfair to you. But against all odds you have made yourself better for you by having a good job and supporting your child. That is very admirable!
Your husband is behaving very badly, he is being very selfish and is not taking responsibility of his family, neither his wife nor his child.
From what all you have said, i think its better you leave your husband because he will never take up more responsibility and will not do anything for you or your child. He is irresponsible. Why do you think things will change after the second baby ?? You have thought of leaving him - and you should. because you are not gaining anything from this marriage. You are not happy.
But i don't understand how you conceived this baby, since you are not happy with your husband, how did it happen? I am not being judgemental and i know it can happen in the heat of a moment. But since you said your husband beats you - i am just hoping it was not forceful or rape.
Since you are financially independent, its easier for you to take this decision. If you have a second child, it will be even more difficult for you to leave your husband. Plus the financial burden will keep on increasing. If you do not want this baby, you have every right to abort this baby. I too know its a sin, but maybe you should think about giving up this baby since you do not want this baby. A single parent with one child is feasible but a single parent with second child is not feasible and very difficult.

Desiindian · Jul 9, 2018

Op, for gods sake pls don`t punish your eight weeks baby for mistakes you have done. you married him knowing all lies, then had a child hoping he would change, too many expectations, not happy with him but conceived again, now you dont want this child. OMG what are doing? you did not have guts to stop your marriage , but now you are looking for option to remarry having a kid. If you have tine read posts in IL, you will understand your are not in a bad situation. may be hormones. talk to a marriage counsellor, you still have options to work on your married life, for the sake of your child's future. good wishes.

Shreema86 · Jul 9, 2018

it comes down to you. Despite everything if you are willing to put your Childs welfare first and you want this child , everything else will follow its own course and fall into place in its own time. But if you resent this child and are too consumed by the drama in your life to prioritize this , then you shouldn't go ahead. its not fair for this child to be born to parents who dint want him/her. and remove the word sin from your dictionary . In gods eyes we are all perfect and whole ,because he created us. there is no judgement.

Emarald · Jul 9, 2018

U had chance to break marriage when u came to know truth. U have to build courage. No one can tell U what to do.

SGBV · Jul 10, 2018

Don't blame God...

You knew everything about this miss match before your wedding.
Despite of having a good reputation in your city, you still worried about your society and went ahead with marriage.
You celebrated a grand wedding on a fake foundation, knowingly.

At that time of marriage, you very well knew what and how your future will be with this man and his co- who are considered as poor, cheap, irresponsible and liars.
Yet, you decided to bring a child to this marriage, hoping for a miracle.
I wouldn't blame you for that, bcz that was your first experiment.

But how come you are pregnant again in this mess?
You may abort this baby if that is legal in India. Even if not, you may consider illegal means for the same risking your health.
But will that save your life by any ways?

If killing is alright, and if that can save you, then you may consider killing your first born. Bcz looks like she too was not a planned one. And at this stage, knowing all your suffering many would support your decision to kill her too.

Come on...
You are an educated adult.
Make your decisions wisely.
If you consider your husband to be a bad choice, then try moulding him according to your taste.
Try changing yourself to fit his status alternatively.
If that doesn't seem to be working, leave him for good.
Be a single mother, as you already do.

If you can live independent, yet within marital status for whatever the social requirement, then please go ahead. But please make sure to use protection when you have sex.

There are widows, single moms, poor divorcees etc with 2 kids, and we all know how hard the journey could be. But it is not impossible.

Be clear when you chose your path at least now

NeerjaC · Jul 10, 2018

You are stuck in a bad marriage, please walk away with your daughter before things get worse. He hasn't taken any responsibility for you or your daughter, he has lied, he beats you, he disrespects your family - why are you still with him?!

Leave him and build a new life for yourself and your daughter, I would even suggest that don't go through with your second pregnancy. It is a hard decision but honestly, I have no clue why you would even be allowing this man to come near you if you are being treated so badly. For the sake of your daughter, don't go ahead with the pregnancy and get out of this situation before it gets worse!

ILUser07 · Jul 10, 2018

Don't go ahead with the pregnancy. Sin or not I don't know. But its better than bringing a new life and making it suffer. It will be a additional responsibility on you as a single parent. You are a single parent even now. Walk out of the marriage and file for divorce.

Archana11 · Jul 10, 2018

Rose03 said: ↑

Hi ,

I am 31 years ( going to be 32 very soon) and been 5 years since got married and my husband is 6 years older to me. I have discussed about our relationship in this forum before. where my husband and family lied and got married. he is 9th standard fail and later passed 10th outside and did some errand courses and became system administrator . I am computer science engg graduate and talented student since my child hood . I am good looking and from well settled family . my father passed away , being the eldest at home I had to be get married with in one year of my father's demise . this guy was abroad( one of the south east asian countries) , they came with full of hi-fi/sci-fi and said he did MCA. our bad we did not check ( I was in 25 yrs) and they are far relative too when we called our close relative whom they know to some extent , they said they are ok..
they are not financially settled ( no own home), one older sister unmarried and stay at home , entire family is on his shoulders although older sister works. Their family live on motto " live now and enjoy to the fullest dont save for tomorrow" and their parents and all of them rely on his aunt and her husband and taking of care of their kids. all through life my so called husband served all of them which he says often but he is very happy about it and their family bonding is very strong . if they want to any bad they all do together. one instance is my marriage with him.

honestly we did not know that people like them would exist, where parents irresponsible about kids ( none of them had formal education) being brought up in cosmopolitan city but they have given good exposure to live a life. younger sister got love marriage where that guy is so nice he didn't have an option rather adjust to her and family.

they are all very smart in making people believe them , again can find out in 3 to 4 meetups. since our was arranged marriage, we had to decide our fate of married life in one meeting. guy comes and goes off and marriage will be in few weeks . we got to know his qualification and their cheating once the invitation card distributed realizing it was too late we had no option to left since my mom then single parent and still had sisters to get married.. How bad my situation was and how people take advantage of it? is GOD there ?

in the society my parents had very good name and fame and respected very well across for their good deeds. then i used to think why god did like this ?

all this aside, marriage went beyond their expectation as my dad's dream was to do as royal wedding although we know that once my daughter go there will have to suffer ( he cant take care of the my daughter with his salary ) , i came and got the job immediately , their family behind torturing me and my family for the so many grams of gold... on the other hand my husband had one chain ( which he returned to his family members, he is horrible guy) , he was expecting our car and our home and me to serve him ..
we did not have good relationship since then.. from day 1.. his lies and cheating he didnt admit about his education although i didnt ask since i thought it would hurt him and i empathized him thinking as long as he take good care of me its ok... but reality was different .. he is ill minded man..
I am from a family where we respect woman and doing good to people . but them , they are ready to do anything for their good.

I was pregnant just 4 months after marriage for the first baby.. my mom said he will change after kids( age-old saying) , he started traveling on business work since his job is technical support . although he could send another person on behalf of him , he dint even think i was pregnant and he and his family tour tuning me expecting me to call them often and not responding to me , i should update them everything g, even if i miss one they stop talking to me and my husband used to tell me to beg them or request them to talk to me. trust me i never did this to anyone in my life , from well respected family bending to them ( in the society , they are called very poor and not respected)

fast-forward I had a baby ( he was not ready to send me to my home and also he told me if anything happens to my daughter i will never leave anyone) today my daughter is so bright and talkative who has been brought up under my mom''s shelter.

fast forward I did not like , I had been given to poor family with no home nothing for them , I saved from my earning and bought a home during my maternity period while i was in India. property on his and my name . i feel some people are so lucky , i had to search ( searching house in Bangalore is not easy these days) and apply for loan ,get registered and alter the home , look for the prospective tenant. when he came everything was ready and sit for house warming ceremony..

fast forward , I came to know that he lied a lot about his salaried and extra income too .. where i was saving every penny.. felt very bad also..

we still fight very hard every now and then before my daughter . he knows that I burst out and he makes me irritated and make people think that i bad ..which my family members discovered too. i take my daughter everywhere as single parent. he does not my daughter out for playing too.. if the weekend comes , he will be watching movies all day and nigh starting Friday night until Sunday night.
does this what these gen fathers do ?

he beats me and I scold him hard for his bad behavior.. even now he is not part of anything . complete responsibility of my daughter on me .
amidst all this I am pregnant again , going to be 8 weeks soon.. i told him , he said as usual " i am traveling and giving the money ( he spends 40% of his salary , rest he gives false account ) when i said show me back account, for which he said show me trust then i will show you .. " which he is been saying for the last 5 years .. and now after saying that i am pregnant . I was devastated..

sometimes i hate him , whenever my family members at home for a visit, he checks their bags and spy them ( he keeps a recorder at home) and checks all the messages when the mobile connected to home wifi , which i did not believe untill he told me something when i messaged to my family members . i thougt he would have unlocked the phone ( i have no secrets) and untill my brother came and figured out ..

I cant accept that I am married to a person who is doing all this

I thought not to have 2nd baby , because i am not sure if I am going to live with him or how long our relationship lasts.. I am planning to migrate to other country with my daughter..

for the last 2 weeks I am thinking , i know its a sin to abort but my condition , how will i manage if I have two kids.. I feel eventually everything on woman's shoulders taking care of financially by working, home , kids and career and family future..

sometimes i feel its a sin to born as woman..
I tell my mom now, because of the society pressure girls should get married early with out the proper background check which she wil have to suffer all through her life if she gets hitched to bad guy

Please advise... sometimes i feel can i remarry ,me having toddler daughter now ? or should I continue this relationship live all my life as a single parent and fake relationship.. I would not have come to this decision if he loved me. I remember him saying if i had not have a baby he would have divorced me..

Thanks for reading a long post
Click to expand...

Dear Rose,
Im very sad for your situation. Your situation reminds me of my sister. Same story. No education and marriage happened on lies. We came to know about them after marraige. She does not have kids yet and I always advice her to divorce.
As you said these type of horrible people exists. Be strong. My advice abort baby and get divorced. Be a single parent and lead a happy life with your kid.
I wonder why did you add your husbands name in property. Did he contribute?
Dont think about sin aborting baby. Imagine if you cannot manage expenses your both kids must adjust from young age. They might not be fortunate to enjoy everything like other kids do. Its better to give a beautiful life to one rather giving low poverty life to two.

sbonigala · Jul 10, 2018

It's not a sin to be born as a Woman. But it is a sin to be irresponsible while having sex in a messy marriage and bringing in a life - and now choosing to kill the baby so that it is relatively easier to walkout of this marriage/migrate etc.

You are educated and have smarts.. think wisely and make a decision which will make your daughter proud of you.
Take a break from your H, go to your parents place or a close friend's place and think with calm mind.

Abortion is not a difficult process. But the after effects on your physical and emotional health will be difficult to handle

Please think through and through before you kill a helpless life.