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How To Stop "comparing" With Other "parents"?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by anika987, Jun 21, 2018.

  1. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, we are always made to feel we are inadequate mothers/parents.

    In the US of A, where I have lived for three decades, I have come across many parents of Indian origin trying to establish their reputation/greatness/superiority/whatchamacallit, through their children's achievements. This attitude was prevalent then and it is prevalent now.

    When our elder son was about 6-7 one of the parents asked us if we have put him in the "gifted and talented" program, and also quoted another child who was enrolled in the program.
    Pat came my husband's response, "my child is neither gifted nor talented. He is a child. Let him enjoy childhood!"
    Through his middle school my son's summer vacations were just playing in the woods with his friends, coming home only for meals.

    Now he only remembers those days.

    Be prepared for other kinds of comparisons as your children grow.

    When they go to high school it will be:

    "My child is going to IB program. What about your son/daughter?"
    "My child is taking AP this class, AP that class...what about your child"
    "My child got so much SAT scores. What did your child get"
    "My child is applying only to Stanford, MIT, and Harvard! other colleges are second rate you see!"
    "My child got so much scholarships..."
    "Why are you sending your child to that college?"

    Then it will be
    My child is going to Europe for internship.
    My child is going to the Himalayas to learn about meditation...

    And this one takes the cake.
    "Your son's/daughter's fiance is Indian or American?
    American's are very nice." (Here American refers to Caucasians only. Not African-American. Very color conscious our folks are.)

    Fundamentally, all are full of self-aggrandizement.

    So develop a thick skin.

    Only we know what our family circumstances are and what our child is good at and what our child needs. As everyone here mentioned, show unconditional love to your child even if he/she scores low marks, or does not want to participate in sports.

    Encouraging your children to excel in whatever they do is one thing and that is strictly between you and your child. But do not push them to do something because X did it, or Y has a gold medal, or Z is participating in the spelling bee.
    Our children need only love, support, and guidance ... no matter what. Also make sure you tell/show your children that you trust them immensely. This will make them act and behave responsibly.

    And to all parents, please never ever use your children to prove your worth to society. It puts a lot of pressure on the kids.

    I can go on... but let me stop here.
     
  2. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Kamala, @kkrish

    You should absolutely write more and no one will mind. Oh how I have missed this! I know what you write comes from experience! Thank you for the timely reminder.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2018
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  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    i love this:clap2::clapclap:
     
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  4. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Anika, I would like to add some thoughts to the excellent responses above:

    (1) Kids have no clue what they want; and definitely no clue about what they need. That's your job - giving them what will really do them good, not what they think they want.** I second the suggestions about cooking & baking together, family board games, family reading time and the like. The things I value the most - absolutely formative influences in my life - have been bedtime stories and simple conversations. No kidding. The other memories I cherish are of playing cricket together with my cousins, father, and uncles, cooking/shopping with my mother, reading the newspaper with my dad in the mornings, listening to stories from their childhood and so on. All but one vacation from my childhood were visits to my grandparents; but I like that - especially looking back! :lol:

    (2) When you are tempted to seek distant satisfactions, ask yourself this: how efficiently are you using the resources that lie within reach? Most people don't even know what these might be. Harvard is great 'n all, but pretty much any university in the United States has more to offer than an undergraduate knows what to do with. Resources available to us are invariably under-utilized. How often do you go to the zoo near you? How often do you take a picnic to the free concert in the park? How many walks, how many baking classes, mom-child reading sessions at the library? I most definitely do not have the time to do everything that I could be doing. I under-utilize resources available to me within a 5-mile radius!

    (3) Don't forget that an entire industry is dedicated to making you feel this way. This nagging feeling of inadequacy, of missing out, of 'needing' 'stuff' is carefully and systematically engineered. Resist the hidden persuaders!

    ** Spinach Parenting! My very own trademark!!! Read my blog! Subscribe to my podcast!!! Buy my Spinach Parenting course!!!!!! 36 hours of videos, books, checklists, charts, and diagrams to make you the bestest parent everrrrr! And while you're at it, take a look at our store for exciting clothing, accessories and other products for you and your daughter!!!!!! And don't forget to get the Spinach Parenting app available for both iOS and Android (includes in-app purchases) . And join us - with your child - for an exciting week of Spinach Parenting workshops .... you guessed it ... at Disneyland!!!!

    :beer-toast1:
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2018
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  5. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    We went to Switzerland with my kid at 18 months old. Does she remember the beautiful Alps. Hell no. Even I don't remember.
     
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  7. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

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    https://www.quora.com/Why-do-Indian-parents-keep-bragging-about-their-childs-results
    Made me chuckle but this answer makes sense
    "All parents, not just Indian, want the best for their kids and want them to succeed, and when they do, parents are overjoyed that their highest hopes have come true. The pride and pleasure parents get from their children's accomplishments are natural."
     
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  8. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    :worship2:
     
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  9. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you @Srama .
    Yes, it certainly is what I went through and what I observed in our gatherings.
    This is one subject that had affected me as a young mother. That's why I had to share my feelings here.
     
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  10. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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