How To Deal With Resentment Of Family Expenses In India

Dear OP,
i can understand your frustrations at having to compulsority shell out finances that you feel you cannot afford to do for ever. In view of your growing family too, what you say is a hundred percent logical.
First of all it is important that you put away and plan for your retirement too now itself through a small corpus of SIPs etc, Only after this, you can decide on an amount you feel you can afford to send home, and inform your position accordingly. There will always be frictions and disagreements for this, as they would have got used to your help all this time. If your siblings are also working, you can discuss with them and firmly let them know the amount you can manage to send. They will have to manage within those means. You cant expect them to be thankful for all this, but over time, I hope they will place themselves in your shoes and value your contributions all along.

 

How about setting aside a decent amount for a NRE account in your name and use only the interest for your parents monthly expenses ? Then assign specific monthly contributions for each of the siblings ( electricity/phone / water/ rent perhaps) , so they stay consistent with the monthly payments.

90K seems quite a bit, why can’t the siblings take care of themselves ? You should only be responsible for your parents not for the siblings , if they are capable of working and getting jobs. If you keep supporting them they will never learn. No point resenting, just be firm .

 

as long as there is a free meal the drive to work will be zero. you have indirectly contributed to their spending habits. you have filial responsibilities to people who are responsible for themselves period and none of them have shown some. if it were your dad would have done a good job of saving some of the money you sent, made the siblings realise that there are no free rides up for grabs.

why do they need 90k. tell them firmly that you have the same salary but your expenses are up owing to your family and that you will support your parents and for that you can give a x amount say half of what you send now. it may lead to anger, bitching and calling you names like ungrateful and much more but sometimes don’t we take all kinds of steps to wean a child of breastfeed. we wven apply neem products. so weaning off will be hard for you and them. but you need to.

you will tend to have resentments when you pinch and save to send them the money that they blow away. the point is many parents are blind to the struggle of kids who are working their ass out to save those $$ and contributr more than they can to make the parents comfortable.

in case of a emergency or if you are in dire need of some inflow remember they will not pitch in. and in turn your siblings will ask you ‘did we ask you, you sent us so we assume you have it all and we deserve some of it’

so before the resentment turns into hatred harming your own family’s peace of mind find a way to work around this.

ask for statements, ask for accountability of their spending. you have every right to do so if you have been supporting them for the last 15+ years and also that you are only going to give them this x amount.

sometime hard measures are needed to right a issue that is eating away at the basic foundations of your relationships.
and it is ok to take a step back from your foo and not look dependent or needy or weak that they can easily manipulate you emotionally. find your strength to say this is all i can do.

 

Firstly , were they good parents otherwise ? See it's not just about money, it's also how they treated you. If they were otherwise loving, caring , supportive, spending quality time with you, giving you emotional support in your problems - then that is also enough. But if they were verbally/physically abusive or callous towards you, or overly partial towards your siblings, then anger is justified.Still, doesn't mean you will neglect them completely .You really need to ask yourself whether they were good parents or not, by taking money out of the picture....why you are having so much resentment...you need to figure that out...
Why your father could not plan his retirement ? If it was because he had to provide you with good education and upbringing within his capacity , then you can't blame him. Not everyone has the capacity to save for future or plan for retirement, especially with 3 kids. But if he had the capacity but still did not plan(like he spent it on his own FOO without caring for wife and kids) then your anger would be justified...
It is really unfortunate you had to start supporting your family since age of 16. It's not correct on your father's to put so much burden on a child. I really hate such people.Why you broke the PF ? What was your father's reason to make you break the PF? It was your mistake to do that. You have acted blindly trusting him to have your best interests at heart but you should have used your own intelligence. All your resentment will not bring back the money.Somehow I feel they don't have your bets interests at heart, so you need to force them to be accountable with the money you are spending.I'm not saying neglect them-just don't spend blindly.
My understanding of the situation is like - if we are supporting someone financially at the expense of our own future and kids, atleast they should give us an honest view of where and how exactly the money is being spent. Surely 90k is too much. I think , instead of blindly transferring 90k per month, you pay directly for the things- pay rent online for them, pay their medical costs directly, and give some appropriate amount for grocery and utilities. Alternately ask them to prepare monthly budget with all bills/receipts laid out in front, I can't imagine why 2 old people from a lower-middle class background will need 90k for monthly expenses.I hope it's not going towards your siblings-then that is wrong.
Or what you can do is buy a small house for them in India(your name of course). So, they are also taken care of, and that also becomes your future investment. In the amount you are sending, EMI can be paid, and rest groceries/utilities/medical can easily be covered within that amount only.My main advice is try to have a view of how exactly the money is being spent. The keywords ar

1. "necessity" vs "luxury" and
2. whether money is being spent entirely on "parents" or are they also giving to your "siblings"?You have mentioned the entire living expense for your family(parents,siblings) is 90k. I'm totally confused- are they living with your parents? Why you are spending for your siblings???

You need to make a proper plan.Neither you can neglect your parents nor your wife/kids. So, if required involve your parents, involve them in your budgeting and let them realise your situation. Prepare a budget and plan for future, set aside investment for retirement, investment for kids, your own expenses and parents.Prepare proper budget instead of just sending to parents and nothing left for kids. Your kids are small and they don't understand so they are not asking money the way your parents/siblings are doesn't mean you will neglect them. You also have duty towards wife, but most importantly - duty towards yourself- secure own future/ retirement/ emergencies and buy yourself some peace of mind. Don't fall for emotional blackmail- make proper budget-force your parents to be open and transparent with all expenses.
I will not tell to neglect your parents , just don't be extravagant- be aware that's all! Yes, all siblings have equal responsibility to take care of parents, but if they are living with the parents and giving physical care already they are doing a lot, so they need not match your financial contribution equally.But you have not given any details-whether your siblings are male/female? whether they are living with and taking care of your parents physically?So, difficult to tell.But in any case, you are not responsible for your siblings' finances! If a sibling loses job temporarily or something, we can help but not more than that. Any person who think they have to maintain their siblings also should not get married and have kids.

 

I agree with the last line- I would advice OP to be objective and not just get manipulated emotionally . Prepare FAIR plan , where you set aside enough money on different heads- for your retirement, for your parents, for your kids etc Divide everything fairly and objectively. Just because older people are able to state their demands with a needy and manipulative attitude, doesn't mean your responsibility towards your retirement/pension fund or kids' future is anything less invalid in comparision, do not neglect one for the other. Find the strength to be fair towards all your liabilities, not just parents.

 

Dear Op,

I don't know which location your parents are staying where monthly expenses is 90 K? Mumbai ranks 2nd in cost of living but still a middle class family survives with a salary of 20 K to 30 K per month. I think you should not get carried away by your parent's emotional talks better be practical and get the details of the expenses done.

As suggested by other members you need to make a financial planning.

1st priority - Your kids (education, daily needs)
2nd Your Wife and Self (Household expenses, Investment, Medical)
3rd Your Parents.

My suggestions:

1. If possible ask your parents to shift with you that way the expenses part will be in your control also there will be transparency.
2. Opt for some mediclaim for all (your family and your parents)
3. Since your siblings are adult (18 +) let them manage their expenses no need for you to maintain.
4. There are many retirement plans available, opt for some which will fit in your pocket.

Have faith in yourself and everything will fall in place, don't worry...

 

When my elderly grandmother needed some money (and she refused to live with any of her children), my parents researched and entered a scheme Varshita pension Bima Life by LIC. I suggest you look into this. The maximum contribution was 7.5 lacks and they have a monthly return fixed policy of 8% for senior citizens.

If you can, look into policies like that. These returns are for 10 years. After that, you can withdraw lump sum or something like that. Look into this policy.

That will give them 60,000 a month and no more. You TELL them this is all you can afford.

To get 7.5 lacks, I am think it will be about $15,000 for you. A line of credit is far cheaper. Talk to your financial institution to see the best way to come-up with this 15 K and invest in this LIC plan (or anything that gives a maximum %age for 50 or 60 thousand rupees. They won’t need more than that.


I have a small family of my own and I can only imagine how much financial strain it will be on me if I have to send $1000+ every single month.

Here is my thing. Your parents and siblings are BULLSHITTING you. You read this again if you must. They are BULLSHITTING you.

Where exactly do they live and what is their lifestyle for them to come up to 90K monthly expense a month? This is unreasonable for a middle class life style.

I am sure they will have expenses but not to the tune of 90K.

 

90K per month is too much. 20-30K is more than enough. Look like they all are enjoying and wasting your money. Please dont encourage your siblings. Taking care of parents should be shared equally by every one. But your father is still working. So no need to support 100% .

Slowly cut down the money you spent every month siting that you have lot of expense here like kids schooling, increase in rent, etc.. It is good reason as kids are growing every year so is their expenses. Use your brain for finding convincing reasons. If your mother use psychological weapons, use it back. Tell you will take care of her, but not everyone. Or she can join you or you will arrange something for her. tell her that you are helpless and it is very difficult to survive here with your only salary.

Please dont fall into their trap. Use your diplomatic skills to slowly come out of it. Dont argue or fight. Other Ilites also suggested useful tips on how you can manage finance.

 

Your father is still young. He should look for at least a part-time job.