Concern Or Control ?

SCSusila · Aug 6, 2017

i came across a funny news item that a wife applied for divorce because the husband was too caring !
Examples given were :
He would jump up to do washing up after meals , so that she would not drop the dishes . He would do the laundry so that she would not handle the washing machine wrongly . He did the grocery shopping and bank work, so she wouldnt do mistakes in accounting ....every small thing . Atfirst she thought he was so loving and taking care of her , but slowly realised he would not trust her to do anything right . So she filed divorce on ground of mental cruelty !

Now this is an extreme case, no doubt . But when i was thinking of it, i could not help but think of the attitudes of some parents in our country . They dominate and control the children in everything , while saying " we are doing for your good only " . And keep pouring advice upon advice on them , spoonfeeding every detail , always adding " dont do anything stupid " ( vera ethayavathu senji vaikkade ) . So instead of building self esteem and confidence in them ,they only make them confused and diffident . And because of that , they will do something wrong also , and patents will say " i knew it ! I told you so " .it becomes a vicious circle .

Love can become a strangling rope . And Concern and Care can become Controlling Iron hand .
Some people never realise this , so sad .

HariLakhera · Aug 7, 2017

It seems to be a rare case. All those possibilities the husband is afraid of can happen with him also. Caution, concern and control are natural ingredients for upbringing. This is a part of training. Once trained, there is no or little need for these. Parents will always be concerned about the well being of their children but sooner or latter they have to give away the control. There are kids particularly boys who will tear apart a new toy the moment it comes into his hands and parents won't bother. They would rather be happy with the inquisitiveness of the child. Some parents would rather be concerned and keep the toy at a distance lest he boy breaks it. Girls on the other hand would keep their dolls safe and clean.
This husband is more cncerned about his possible losses than anything else. I doubt hw he behaves in office or any work place.

Nonya · Aug 7, 2017

SCSusila said: ↑

i came across a funny news item that a wife applied for divorce because the husband was too caring !
Examples given were :
He would jump up to do washing up after meals , so that she would not drop the dishes . He would do the laundry so that she would not handle the washing machine wrongly . He did the grocery shopping and bank work, so she wouldnt do mistakes in accounting ....every small thing . Atfirst she thought he was so loving and taking care of her , but slowly realised he would not trust her to do anything right . So she filed divorce on ground of mental cruelty !...............
................ .
Click to expand...

Sometimes people cannot see a good deal even if it came and bit them on their nose.

dia3 · Aug 7, 2017

SCSusila said: ↑

i came across a funny news item that a wife applied for divorce because the husband was too caring !
Examples given were :
He would jump up to do washing up after meals , so that she would not drop the dishes . He would do the laundry so that she would not handle the washing machine wrongly . He did the grocery shopping and bank work, so she wouldnt do mistakes in accounting ....every small thing . Atfirst she thought he was so loving and taking care of her , but slowly realised he would not trust her to do anything right . So she filed divorce on ground of mental cruelty !

Now this is an extreme case, no doubt . But when i was thinking of it, i could not help but think of the attitudes of some parents in our country . They dominate and control the children in everything , while saying " we are doing for your good only " . And keep pouring advice upon advice on them , spoonfeeding every detail , always adding " dont do anything stupid " ( vera ethayavathu senji vaikkade ) . So instead of building self esteem and confidence in them ,they only make them confused and diffident . And because of that , they will do something wrong also , and patents will say " i knew it ! I told you so " .it becomes a vicious circle .

Love can become a strangling rope . And Concern and Care can become Controlling Iron hand .
Some people never realise this , so sad .
Click to expand...

Too much of baby-sitting a spouse is definitely very suffocating ...i don't think anyone likes to be baby-sit these days...

PushpavalliSrinivasan · Aug 7, 2017

Concern and control should have a limit. Otherwise it will stiffle the growth and independent thinking of a person.
PS

jayasala42 · Aug 7, 2017

There is a very thin line of demarcation between love, care, concern and the resultant control. Parents are supposed to have the wisdom to distinguish.Human mind is wavering. No one wants to be controlled either out of concern and care or lack of confidence.At the same time if anything goes wrong, they don't hesitate to say'why didn't you warn me already?'
Jayasala 42

ashneys · Aug 7, 2017

SCSusila said: ↑

i came across a funny news item that a wife applied for divorce because the husband was too caring !
Examples given were :
He would jump up to do washing up after meals , so that she would not drop the dishes . He would do the laundry so that she would not handle the washing machine wrongly . He did the grocery shopping and bank work, so she wouldnt do mistakes in accounting ....every small thing . Atfirst she thought he was so loving and taking care of her , but slowly realised he would not trust her to do anything right . So she filed divorce on ground of mental cruelty !

Now this is an extreme case, no doubt . But when i was thinking of it, i could not help but think of the attitudes of some parents in our country . They dominate and control the children in everything , while saying " we are doing for your good only " . And keep pouring advice upon advice on them , spoonfeeding every detail , always adding " dont do anything stupid " ( vera ethayavathu senji vaikkade ) . So instead of building self esteem and confidence in them ,they only make them confused and diffident . And because of that , they will do something wrong also , and patents will say " i knew it ! I told you so " .it becomes a vicious circle .

Love can become a strangling rope . And Concern and Care can become Controlling Iron hand .
Some people never realise this , so sad .
Click to expand...

This sounds more like control. There is no trust. It can get really suffocating and feel monitored all the time. As mentioned, more like a strict parent controlling a child rather than equal partners.

What you have mentioned about the parent-children relationship is true in many cases. It is indeed sad as it affects n moulds their future behavior.

shyamala1234 · Aug 7, 2017

SCSusila said: ↑

i came across a funny news item that a wife applied for divorce because the husband was too caring !
Examples given were :
He would jump up to do washing up after meals , so that she would not drop the dishes . He would do the laundry so that she would not handle the washing machine wrongly . He did the grocery shopping and bank work, so she wouldnt do mistakes in accounting ....every small thing . Atfirst she thought he was so loving and taking care of her , but slowly realised he would not trust her to do anything right . So she filed divorce on ground of mental cruelty !

Now this is an extreme case, no doubt . But when i was thinking of it, i could not help but think of the attitudes of some parents in our country . They dominate and control the children in everything , while saying " we are doing for your good only " . And keep pouring advice upon advice on them , spoonfeeding every detail , always adding " dont do anything stupid " ( vera ethayavathu senji vaikkade ) . So instead of building self esteem and confidence in them ,they only make them confused and diffident . And because of that , they will do something wrong also , and patents will say " i knew it ! I told you so " .it becomes a vicious circle .

Love can become a strangling rope . And Concern and Care can become Controlling Iron hand .
Some people never realise this , so sad .
Click to expand...

Dear Susila,
A couple are supposed to be equal partners. They have concern, care and love for each other. But if one of them become control freak without any trust for the partner that relationship is suffocating and is definitely strangling!
Syamala

SCSusila · Aug 8, 2017

@HariLakhera
In his workplace this guy would keep his tail tucked in ,i am sure, because others would show him his place if he interfered too much . Besides, his home and gadgets are HIS possessions . Office things are not his , so he maynot care .