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Everything's So Complicated...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Itshightime, Jul 28, 2017.

  1. Itshightime

    Itshightime Bronze IL'ite

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    Need help wonderful ladies... :(
    I don't want divorce but I can find it lurking around the corner.

    My mil has bad mouthed me in every possible way for 15 years. Till recently I used cry silently and make adjustments. But now a days, when she bad mouths me, I feel getting chest constricted and goiNg dizzy. I have this strong impulse to shut her mouth by kicking onto her face.

    Now about my husband - even if he is a good guy, mil makes sure she brings out monster out of him. Even though he does not believe her every whim, he makes sure all her orders and needs are looked after. He tries to justify his mother's bad behaviour. Once he had hit me at her bidding and still keeps saying that I deserved it.

    About my parents - they love me so much. But they have taken all kind of wrong decisions with me. They did not allow me to leave my husband. They want me to make sacrifices so that their SonIL keep good relations with them. ( My husband maintains this strategy.. whenever I oppose my ILs, he starts bad mouthing my relatives) He can call anything to my brothers, who give him so much respect. but I cannot say anything about his brother who is the worst brother anyone can have. Hardly gives him any respect.

    About me.. I don't want to see mil face again after her last 4 hours of bad mouthing me. I don't want to break my family too.. I keep trying to bring peace into the family but finally I get blamed for everything.

    If I oppose mil, divorce is for sure. My husband is best SON any parents can have. Unfortunately it is not vice versa. They never cared abt hus feelings and happiness

    Too many bitter emotions in family.. its like me and husband both have become empty shells.
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....please get some help .
    Tell your husband you are deeply depressed and ask him to take you to a doctor. Your abuse is effecting you physically. Tell your husband how you are feeling physically.

    Take a break. Go for a break to your parents place .
     
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  3. Anisu

    Anisu Platinum IL'ite

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    Posting in wrong thread..sorry
     
  4. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    When someone posts about impending divorce, imminent divorce, under physical abuse, under mental abuse, I think of money, and children.
    Yes; I read that the OP does not want a divorce, but perhaps also does not want to be living the current life.
    15 years of marriage ? Then the children, if any, could be minors.

    There are very few simple questions for the OP <feel free not to answer, however, think about it, in case, what is lurking jumps out at you>:
    • how many kids, age of kids ?
    • What are the assets that is owned by husband, jointly by you/husband ==> money, houses, income-streams etc.?
    • Do you have/or suspect he has any hidden assets ?
    • have you ever called the police to come and clear up any domestic violence issues at home?
    • where do you live (family law jurisdiction)?
    • do you have a place to go and live away from MIL&Husband now?
     
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  5. Itshightime

    Itshightime Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes, I am worried about kids. And no, I am not worried about money/assets. I have my own source and that is more than enough for me.

    Mil does not stay with us. She does everything remotely but it hurts - v badly. I keep thinking whole day abt it. I really need to come up with strategy to imagine she does not exist. And I should not care.
     
  6. Hansa78

    Hansa78 Bronze IL'ite

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    I think you have got the right answer yourself " You need to imagine that she does not exist ". I know it's not easy but there isn't a choice either. Since you have written that you have your own source of finance, I assume you are working. So i think focusing on your career, children, hobbies will help you keep occupied. The small pleasures you get in these areas might help you overcome the depression and ignore your mil talk. Try to give a deaf ear to what she says, just keep thinking about something positive in your life until she stops blabbering.
    Dont even bother to complain about her to your DH as it is of no use. This attitude of yours might also instigate her but dont give up as her motive itself is to instigate you and create a drama.Don't give in to it. She might realise that it doesnt affect you and stop all the bad talk herself.
    Best of luck
    AKRITII
     
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  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell your husband what you feel, and also ask him for his perspective on the situation. Suggest to him to go to counseling with you. If he disagrees inform him that you will move out for a trial separation, and then stay on your own not with parents if they won't be supportive. But get your ducks in a row first so he knows you are serious.
     
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  8. Itshightime

    Itshightime Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you Hansa. It is so hard to ignore her when she keeps calling me witch and makes drama out of even my small minor mistakes.
    And she does it infront of my teenaged kids. that gets me worried.
    Is God really watching over us? How can He allow crooks rule over us?
    If God's justness is any true, she should be rotting in hell for all her lies and manipulations.
    I know only I can solve this. Just wanted to lighten my heart by sharing with you people. Thank you so much friends :)
     
  9. Itshightime

    Itshightime Bronze IL'ite

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    He will never go for counselling :( His idea is we should always obey HIS parents, whether good or bad. He knows they are wrong but will not express it to them or me. If I am persistent, he will show me the door. He will not worry about consequences. I don't want that. I don't want a broken family for my kids.
     
  10. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    15 yrs is a long time ! All the stress has built up and gotten to a point where you want to kick MIL on her face. That's a lot of hatred to carry in your heart and it's probably not good for you . The only positive in your situation is that MIL does not live with you guys, can you avoid whatever little interaction you have with her ? I am sure you have plenty to do with teenagers as kids, focus on them . Also take up meditation or yoga and also talk to a friend or counselor to let off some off the pent up emotions . Don't talk to the husband about MIL since he obviously does not support you ( hitting you because his mom told him to is a bit of a extreme ) .
    If after all this MIL and hubby still continue to bother you mentally or physically , take a small break. See how it is to be away from their negativity , on your own with the kids. take care !
     

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