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Am I A Bad Person For Not Liking My "mother In Law"?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anika987, Jul 9, 2017.

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  1. Jul 9, 2017 #1
    anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    when I got married,I remember my uncle who came up to me and told me "Please be carefulYour mil is very possessive of her son".I was like"No,no..she is perfect and so sweet".that was how I knew her.My uncle did . not say anything and walked away..

    After marriage,I was very scared of my inlaws..They have a very sharp tongue which could rip you to pieces.For some reason,they look upon me low.My fil if he gets angry over something will yell at me.My mil prays god 24/7 but she feels it's ok to comment on my looks,complexion,height,education from time to time.I have learnt music and sing quite well but according to her I am not good.She will always make my co sisters who are very good at singing and announce that they will sing and not include me.She herself has learnt some music and if someone for pooja asks me to sing,she will butt in and sing first without even being asked! Imagine how irritating it will be..

    Even today after so many years she is like"I always wanted to get my son married to someone who is a professional like an MBA or engineering..anyways".

    ' fil will allow his wife to make any comments against me but If I raise my voice as retaliation,he will yell at mil and ask her to keep quiet but infact he is shutting me up.Nothing happens before my husband.

    she will insult someone in the sweetest way possible.she is very happy if she is given gifts,taken on vacations but she does not like it if I go for vacation,wear clothes which is mordern (she feels many Indian girls come to America and dress up as though they have never seen clothes in their life),or go to movies with my husband.

    If she is made to cook once a day here in America coz when my kid was younger,I needed little help..she comments"always one person will cook..everyone else will sit and sit and eat"I really did not feel like eating her cooking after that..

    If I fall sick,they think I am lying and get agitated..so many things have happened and am so glad I am in America and not in India with them for this very reason..

    She has come here for a vacation and is being nice..well people are getting older and she wants our help now..I am so mad and I just could not let go of the past.So many arguments have happened coz of her and how can I let go and consider her old age and be nice?

    I honestly do not feel like living with her together in her old age.I feel bad that I am being evil and infact stopped praying to god coz I feel guilty BUT I just cannot live together.

    Instead,I told my husband that I will live seperately with my kids and she can be with her son and enjoy the home and vacations /money.For me,I do not need all that.just peace of mind.That's the only thing I can do..

    How to get over this guilt..
     
    anika987, Jul 9, 2017
    anika987, Jul 9, 2017
    #1
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  2. Jul 9, 2017 #2
    Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    There are a thousand shades between Yes and No - for the question "am I a bad person?". The answer you have is the right one for you.
     
    Nonya, Jul 9, 2017
    Nonya, Jul 9, 2017
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  3. Jul 9, 2017 #3
    Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Answer
    NOPE.
    you are a good person:blush:
     
    Sunshine04, Jul 9, 2017
    Sunshine04, Jul 9, 2017
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  4. Jul 9, 2017 #4
    WiseAgnes

    WiseAgnes Gold IL'ite

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    I don't understand why you are feeling guilty, OP
    This is how it usually works. There is a person who disrespects you and treats you badly -> you grow resentful and annoyed with them -> you avoid this person and try to keep them out of your life. The fact that the person who disrespects you is also a mother of your husband doesn't mean that she is automatically entitled to your respect and affection, no matter how she behaves. So don't feel bad
    Of course, there would be people who will tell you to let this grudge go and forgive her, and these people mean well. In typical Indian marriage, a DIL doesn't have a freedom to say "Hey hun, your mom is annoying so I don't want to live with her like EVER", so sometimes in order to keep the relationship peaceful, people will advise you to let it go. But it's up to you to follow this centuries old advise or not. Personally, I like your idea of living by yourself with kids :)
     
    WiseAgnes, Jul 9, 2017
    WiseAgnes, Jul 9, 2017
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  5. Jul 9, 2017 #5
    ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't think you should feel guilty for not liking your mil or fil. Hubby or wife, many don't like the "in- laws" for millions of reasons. So chillax, you are not alone there.

    It's your life too, so you do have the right to live. If you feel two houses will give you and them peace, go for it. I know of many who takes a house close by to the parents and visits everyday. So you aren't alone there either.

    Instead of eveyone suffering, it's better to find a compromise that may work ok with all.
     
    ashneys, Jul 9, 2017
    ashneys, Jul 9, 2017
    #5
  6. Jul 9, 2017 #6
    Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Welcome to the club of guilty DIL's :beer-toast1::cheer::rolleye::sconf: @Naari !
     
    Sandycandy, Jul 9, 2017
    Sandycandy, Jul 9, 2017
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  7. Jul 9, 2017 #7
    Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    @anika987 Honestly, the fact that you feel guilty proves you are not a bad person. None of us here wish ill of the IL's. It's just unfortunate , very very unfortunate that things have to get this complex for some of us.
     
    Sandycandy, Jul 9, 2017
    Sandycandy, Jul 9, 2017
    #7
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  8. Jul 9, 2017 #8
    Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    haha, different versions of guilt I guess, OP. Hear my version: I don't get along with my in laws and it would be enough to say that even a 10-15 day stay in India is horrendous and full of fights. But guess what? We have been in US for a decade now and we haven't ever had ILs (or my parents for that matter) over. In our case, Dh is convinced that it's not a good idea to have his parents over even once since it would mean destroying everyone's peace and would spell heartache for everyone. And here, I am the one pushing him to invite them at least once (maybe just for 25 days or a month tops), since I feel "GUILTY" .. A different shade of guilty...

    There are terms "guilty until proven innocent" and "innocent until proven guilty", but DILs are "guilty forever" no matter what!!

    Tagging my bud @Sandycandy who knows this story and shared her thoughts on this with me..
     
    Naari, Jul 9, 2017
    Naari, Jul 9, 2017
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  9. Jul 9, 2017 #9
    Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    Can we find a 2013 or older thread to hijack today? What say, was fun yesterday :sweatsmile: poor billoo must be puzzled with so many notifications on a 3 year old thread:tonguewink:

    Sorry op, we plan to take our party out of here, I promise
     
    Naari, Jul 9, 2017
    Naari, Jul 9, 2017
    #9
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  10. Jul 9, 2017 #10
    poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    You are not alone - in refusing to live with your ILs. From day one, set up a town home or apartment nearby for your ILs to live instead of letting them stay in the same house with you.

    There 'cannot be two swords in a sheath'.
     
    poovai, Jul 9, 2017
    poovai, Jul 9, 2017
    #10
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