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Its Complicated Once Again :(

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Jul 5, 2017.

  1. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    As the eldest bahu, you are most evil but at the same time you have very prominent position in the extended family. Know that tradition gives you very prominent position in the family. If you want, you can boss your cosis around. After few years, when you are a seasoned bahu, your words will carry equal weight as of MIL. Writing this just FYI.
    The new cosis will always suffer less than you. So, don't feel bad for them hearing the childless taunt etc. About the gold, let MIL taunt cosis, no one has seen the future. Just don't give your opinion, in front of anyone. Keep the girls night out, that way it will keep the MIL in check, but at girls night out do not give your real opinion and any good topic- like gold etc, just let the co sis talk.
     
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  2. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    How do you know that the Co-sisters were telling the truth?

    Umanga, the OP is not Indian and her family situation is further complicated with her own overbearing mom. So in her case, it can never be just her, hubby and kids.
     
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  3. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Why should mil talkor discuss with op/her own son about giving gold to op,s DD . It is her gift to the grand child not for the Dil. In future she might have more grand kids and the same thing will be distributed amongst all the grandchildren. So op's daughter's share might get reduced. When we alreAdy have enough, why should we be eyeing on others wealth?
     
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  4. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, Playing one against each other is the oldest trick in the book. Your in laws seem to have mastered it.One way out of all this mess is to keep in constant touch with your co sisters and BIL's about all transactions with IL's. Not to mention them playing you to them and them to you about any issues..

    MIL relatives so she favors is not a valid reason. Your MIL has found a loop hole to keep you apart and this is one of them. Do you know what conversations they had b/n them. My husband and I are of same caste everything( Tamil Brahmin). But my elder co sis is not. Still my MIL favored her.In fact my PIL's chose me for hubby and I am the youngest DIL. There is a saying in kannada, kiri sose kivi kitru lesu. Meaning - If the youngest DIL even bites her IL's ears off she is forgiven and always favored. But my MIL wud have donated or thrown everything away rather than give me anything.Until she was alive she made me go thru hell. What does that tell you? Not everything is black and white. There are gray areas which come with IL's logic to do things their way. Never underestimate them.

    The first bahu is bad even if she is 60 years old, so at some level, you have to let is slide or learn to live with it. You experienced this first time, so you feel bad but eventually you will be okay with it. No use of confronting anyone. Take what ILs have to give - little time, little space etc and don't fight for rest.

    Hermitcrab, This is wrong in my case. My elder co sis( Hubby has only 1 bro - 1 sis) is great according to in laws for what reason I don't know that she asked my husband to give up his share of property so bro- co sis can have the house in laws lived in .Mind you only hubby had to give up his share in this house and other house for SIL. Ultimately we ended up with absolutely nothing. I wudnt have minded any of this if they hadn't ruined a decade of my married life in all ways. We ended up penniless and almost without a home to rent.Never underestimate.Good Luck.
     
  5. prestine

    prestine Silver IL'ite

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    Dear sgbv,

    Pil's playing politics between brothers is a very common one. Happens in my family too. We (co sis and me) know that Pils scolds us when we are not present to another bro and family , compares savings etc. He also praises the dil to another, just to create jealously. Too funny that these days , I laugh at it. I am not living this life to earn his praises. So I learned to laugh at it.

    But we (co sis and me) follow a unwritten rule that 'never share Pils remarks '. If we start to share, the only thing left for pil's would be HATE.

    We can't change the fact that they are our inlaws. We don't have an option of throwing out. It is always a better idea to stop discussing about pil's drama. We have to acknowledge that they will bitch about us in our absence , we don't have control over that. Happens in all the family. If they behave well in your presence, ignore the rest.

    Do your duty, set boundaries, enjoy your life. You have all the control.
     
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    It was not something gossip. But it was sharing.
    We sensed that we were getting mislead by our PILs, and our spouses are wired to believe their parents blindly.
    Also, we sensed out that we were systematically kept away from each other by silly politics played by PILs in the past. So, to clear the air, we decided to meet up and discuss our versions of the story.
    In fact, this night out gave us a lot of clarity, and it answered to a lot of mysterious questions we had in the past.
    This also gave us some light about the future. Particularly we clarified to each others spouse about the financial details PILs have submitted to their sons.
    Eg: When BIL2 questioned about his money sent to PILs, they said they had supported us with that money. Which is untrue.

    Exactly, we too accepted them, but on our terms. It is very clear that they must respect the boundary. And obviously there is no emotional connection with them.
    But the sad part is that my kids are very young, and they have no idea about them in detail. So, they love them for the fun and attachment they share with the kids.

    This is very true. I was the most evil in the past. But looks like MIL is in praise about my cooking skills, parenting and career with co-sis only to put them down.
    Also, looks like the war is now between PILs and co-sis, so I might look an angel for them. Even though they will never accept this.

    First of all, I don't know whether my co-sis are genuine or not.
    But from what they spoke, I sensed that they were consistent, clear and speaking in detail. When confronted, they were able to connect the dots, and share almost similar version of the story.
    More so, they speak about something that happened in our house, and there is no way they could know this other than MIL.
    Besides, I know my MIL's capabilities, so I decided to give the benefit of the doubt to my co-sisters.

    @Umanga
    I am not Indian, but my H is Indian. So everyone concerned in this case are Indians only. (MIL, FIL, BILs and co-sisters)
    More so, I prefer to live with people, if not under one roof at least closely.
    My side of extended family lives closely though, and we have our share of hiccups just like the happiness of living together.
    But with in laws case, this looks too much!!!

    Absolutely there is no reason for her to talk about her belongings with us or anyone.
    But MIL has told co-sis2 that she will give her jewels and house to her. The same was told to BIL1 a year back. Now that both of them talked and understood something is fishy. Thus co-sis2 asked about the deed/documents and jewels to see what is written in there. To which, MIL refused and said they are all for my DD.
    It creates a lot of misunderstanding.
    BILs and co-sisters might think that we are after PILs assets, while we are not. More so, we were never told about this arrangement either.
    That's why I said this smells fishy...

    You are right... At least I am not alone here.
    In fact, my problems with PILs is over. Its our past, and Ive decided not to discuss that with anyone else in the future.
    It will give nothing to both of us.
    But I've shared a few instances with co-sisters just to make them aware the reason behind our not-so-close relationship despite of living closely.
    Otherwise, they will get to hear only the one-sided versions from PILs.
    This way, they are clear!

    Also, we've always told that PILs share a great relationship with these BILs and family. MIL would say it is because of her selection of DILs. She blames me for being the black sheep.
    She tells others that her older son made a wrong choice, and that's what he is unable to mingle with others in the family as before.

    But after my encounter with these co-sis, it seems PILs have serious problems with all the families. This clarifies that our PILs are bad and they are unable to adjust or live in peace with others.
    At least, it became easier for me to educate my H (and his bros to some extend) that the problem lies with their moms.
    Else they would think only their wives are wronged.
     
  7. gitika

    gitika Senior IL'ite

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    Very well

    Very very well said @ umanga, I really like your thoughts on being in solitude in single, and if married then the concept of nuclear family you always welcome, I reapply admire it. Definitely , our life is precious journey of few years. Why do we need all this unncecessary MAIL and FIL DRAMA, don't you think a major portion of our life will be wasted in fighting wit these PILs , unless the couple decide to have independent nuclear family of their own, only then will their life can be enjoyed without these unnecesary dramas, fights, tug,of-war, cat fights for silly things, blame game etc. Definitely getting really magnanimous, broad-minded , H and pils who give complete freedom to live like how we want before and after marriage, and also PILs who can sanction or modify by breaking stereotypical trend of living with PILs instead permit their son and DIL to live nuclear family is really very very blessed and luckiest thing, I suppose or believe only 1 in 100000, couples get such PILs and H
     
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