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When Child Acts Embarrassed Of You?

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by momsky, Mar 30, 2017.

  1. momsky

    momsky Gold IL'ite

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    Ever since DS1 started Grade 7 last year, he has been acting so awkward around me in school. He's a good kid, gives me alot of hugs and shares stories about school when we are at home... but at school, it feels like he doesn't even want to be seen or be near me at all!:(

    I've been dropping him off, picking him up, and bringing him hot lunches ever since Kindergarten. As of late,

    - he tells me to just stay in my vehicle in the morning
    - for lunch, I usually bring the food 15 minutes before the bell rings... but there were times, I get there when he's about to pick up his lunch... when this happens, he grabs his lunch from me and mumbling "thanks Mom" without fully stopping and looking at me (there are many moms who bring lunch to their kids too, their kids do not act like my son)
    - today, he requested for a new CCM hockey helmet and skates so I went out to buy it and then brought it to school by lunch time... again, he couldn't even look at me, almost like he wanted me to go away already


    I don't really know how I'm embarrassing him. I look good and dress well, mostly everyone in school knows me, even his classmates say hi to me... I don't know if I should tell him off later or let it slide... Last time, I gave him a lecture, his behaviour became better but that only lasted for a couple of weeks.

    I read some articles saying this is quite normal but is it really? I don't remember being like this towards my parents. Is this just a phase? It's so frustrating that I cry everytime.

    Please share your inputs and experience. Thanks.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2017
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, it is a phase, but a longish phase. I guess it is more from boys?

    I remember once my son was going through this phase. He was standing outside the school by the curb. I pulled up near him and he didn't get into the car. Started to walk ahead. I followed him. Again, I asked him to get into the car. More than upset at him, I was worried someone would think I am trying to kidnap a child!!! I forget what parental crime I had committed that morning that he was behaving like that. Finally, I got tired of the drama, parked, and texted him, and told him to come _now_ or walk home.

    I would stop the lunch service for a bit, if he continues to be like that.
     
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  3. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    My 1st grader is asking me to give the lunch in the morning n not to come .. saying me pick me up from outside school.. biz non of his class parents come in to pick..
     
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  4. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Happens, I guess.
    I dealt with one such change with DD.
    I was a full time SAHM for a good 3 + years. I never used to give DD lunch in the afternoon, she'd always take it in the morning, yet I made it a point to service her with things she forgot like hat, water bottle etc .
    I used to hand it over to her in lunch time or break time or at least in the school office.
    After a few such services she gave me similar treatment which your son is now giving you.
    I cried, vented with DH, took long lectures, assumed it a phase etc and continued doing what I did.
    All this was when DD was in grade 3.
    Now shes in grade 4.
    Now I have a job that makes me work in shifts. Which means I sometimes leave home when kids are still in bed.
    Or I come home when they are almost in bed at night. I rarely leave home with them and come home just when its their evening snack time. - all this means I am not available to their service whenever they want it. I am only available to them when its required like when they fall sick and school or the before/after school care calls.
    I attend mother's day events and some events of her class and that's it. Nothing more.
    If she forgets stuff - that's her problem - she needs to make sure her stuff is all the previous night itself.
    She cannot expect me to be there at times and not give me respect. She knows that her mom puts an effort to come to school and is not readily available whenever she fancies it.
    Now she genuinely appreciates whatever I do for her.
    At home she has always been a sweetie pie. But me not being available for her has brought in the desired chage itnher attitude when she is at school.

    Any reason specific why you give your DS hot lunch everyday and why he does not take lunch in the morning?
    I think you should give him a taste of you not being available too much for him.
    Also maybe his friends tease him if his mom comes to give him lunch everyday - and maybe he is trying to avoid it.
    Boys seek independence much earlier than girls I guess. Its nothing wrong.
    If he is a nice kid at home and does this only at school, may be you can give him that sense of "Yes you are a big boy now, so handle your stuff on your own but I am there should you need any help'
     
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  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    I think it's an age thing, I dare say. Kids want to portray themselves as independent. It has nothing to do with how you look or what you do. We grew up in a different place in different times and didn't dare be rude to our parents, I suppose.

    You say you gave him a lecture. I suggest you have a talk. And focus not on how it makes you feel when he acts that way. Instead focus on lack of common courtesy and politeness in his interractions with you in school. Tell him you don't appreciate him treating you with disrespect when in school. Ask him for a reason and a solution.

    Set expectations explicitly - for both of you. Eg. You won't hug and kiss him; he will make eye contact, be civil and show a little gratitude for what you do.

    If there isn't an improvement, without withdrawing your love, withdraw the extras you do to prop him up. However when you are back home, remain normal and loving.
     
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  6. momsky

    momsky Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks @Rihana , I wish I can easily stop bringing lunch but DS1 is the pickiest and fussiest eater amongst my children. Over the years, I've tried giving him lunch in the morning but he only takes a bite and when asked, he said they were not hot enough and looked unappetizing with steam 'sweat'. Late last year, I only had to be away for two weeks and he lost so much weight. His team coach had to talk to me as to why he was only having fruits and water for lunch.

    As for last night, I didn't talk much to him but he said sorry and followed it by "but Mom, please leave my lunch before the bell rings". I asked him why and the reply I got was I ask too much questions. o_O

    I guess this is the way it will be until I find a better solution.
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2017
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  7. momsky

    momsky Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks @sbonigala , DS1 is a very picky and fussy eater. He is also active in school sports and practices almost everyday. Although, he doesn't complain when i give him lunch in the morning, he will only take a bite out of it. He'd rather drink up all his water than eat his food that is not hot enough, or crunchy. For example, I prepared and baked lasagna very early in the morning, then put it in his Thermos when we were about to leave. He hardly ate it even though it was his favourite, his reason was the steam 'sweat' (his term) looked disgusting and lasagna was not very warm.

    Maybe his classmates do say something to him, but he still wants wants me to bring his lunch... I guess I just have to make sure make i bring it a bit earlier to avoid my earlier issue. I know this is not probably a good way of tackling the problem but what else can I do without compromising his health.
     
  8. momsky

    momsky Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks @guesshoo , I've already asked him before and he said he was not embarrassed of me. I even told him to just tell me so I will back off. For awhile, he tried having a small conversation but it felt forced and staged. I did not like it, told him it's okay if he does not want to do it... but you know, I did not expect him to go back to his old way.., i was hoping he will at least do a cheerful hello like his siblings...

    For now, i just have to stay out of his way in school so my feelings won't get hurt on this petty issue.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    momsky, if it was not compromising his health, I would say stop this taking hot lunch to school practice, even if he is behaving well when you drop it off. But, if he is only eating a bite of lunch given in morning, and you have the option of dropping off hot lunch, then, just do it.

    About the seeming to be embarrassed and not talking much or not talking at all, when you go to drop off lunch, I'd say, this is not a battle worth picking. Do let him know plainly and without hurt/emotion in your voice that how he is behaving is not right. But don't try to fix this. You can't give him any ultimatums/consequences in this matter, and without those, keeping on talking about this, is of no use, and only adds further unpleasantness.

    I've been through phases where my kids were disrespectful (to me, never to dad), and we had so much going on that I let that slide. It's a cycle, they act up, I point it out, (sometimes with drama, yelling. Sigh), they write an apology note, or do something saintly like clean up room or dinner table unasked. And life goes on.

    Bottom line - our kids still want us when they want to talk, when they need help for any school project, they want us when they are sick, when they are worried. I say, let this slide. Though do let it be known that what he is doing is hurtful. This "letting it be known" is a bit tricky, to do it without seeming passive aggressive.
     
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  10. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    @momsky My brother started doing this around 5th grade, and by middle school and high school, he didn't want my mom or me (his older sister) coming into the school and embarrassing him. He was super loving at home, but was uncomfortable with us in his school environment. Everyone already knew us, so it's not like he was embarrassed about us. Though I can't say much about my dress sense back then... I think he was just embarrassed that he still needed us and that he's not an independent kid like his peers.

    Regardless, now he's working (done with college and all), and he still seems really uncomfortable, when we are in his place of work/study. He can tolerate it, makes eye contact and has conversations, but we know better than to bother him too much there.

    I think it's very normal, especially since at your son's age, children are trying to be independent and self-sufficient. They don't want to seem like they need their parents for everything.

    About delivering him a hot lunch at school... What are you doing? He might seem like a baby to you, but he's growing up, and you need to let him figure out a way to deal with his lunches. Usually, at middle schools, they have microwaves available for students to use. If he asks the cafeteria staff or even his own teacher, he can find an option to heat his lunch. If they don't have a microwave in the cafeteria, they definitely have one in the teachers lounge. This is the age when children should be learning to become independent, so delivering food might seem like just an inconvenience to you, but it will affect his self-esteem. Will you still be delivering lunch to him in high school? The high school environment is even more uncomfortable to be seen with a parent, because at this point, most students are doing everything by themselves, including driving to school. As a parent, you don't want your child to struggle with food and lose weight, but at the same time, it is important that he learns to survive. You can't always be there to feed him.
     
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