To Divorce Or Not To..

Got it.
Did I already tell you I like your sense of humour.
The understand and enjoy your sarcasm.

 

Did the OP come back with an update recently?

May be I am contradicting with my previous posts here.

If sex is fully denied in a marriage, then it amounts to cruelty even in the legal terms. Society can not deny the fact that any person who enters a wedlock requires sex. It is inevitable.
If sex is not being the priority or the the difference of sexual compatibility between the partners, lack of sex etc could be tolerated or adjusted or even compromised given the fact that the marriage has invested a lot of emotional connection, social status and more importantly kids are involved.
It is no different from lack of emotional connection, lack of respect, incompatibility between the spouses. In laws problems and other financial complications are no different either.
For some, sex is their utmost priority in the marriage. For some, the emotional connection, companionship etc.. So, marriage is viewed as a package with all these are included in it.

It is very true that the OP's H must have invested quality time and effort to figure out the main problem in their marriage, which is sex.
And both OP and he must have worked together to face this problem as a couple.
It could be his low drive or OP's high drive.
Yes, if OP has a very high drive, she may view a normal sex as something nothing. I try to read between the lines here.
I remember OP was talking about passionate sex, steamy sex, and the ways to touch a woman etc after 8 years of her marriage.
Given the fact that OP's H may be undergoing stress (work related) and hypothyroidism (that causes depression) and the medicines he may be consuming could be the reason for whatever the mess up in the bed.
It happens with women too. Specially after their deliveries. That's probably after 2-3 years of their marriage, and that time their spouses would be pretty much young, red-hot blooded guys too.
These kind of emotional (stress, depression) and physical (over weight, arthritis, diabetes, thyroid, BP etc) pops in around their mid 30s, that coupled with family tensions (in laws, financial, emi) and work tensions (contracts, transfer, competition).. so, undoubtedly sex takes a back seat.
Not just sex, some couple emotionally distance from each other, lose interest in the companionship etc...
But what holds the marriage is the love, the bonding, the affection, the responsibility and the morality for so many people, despite of these problems.

This is the rollar coaster ride for many. But once they are settled in everything that matters to their life (career, a house, kids etc) and a stable medical intervention to whatever their illness (diabetes, BP, cholesterol), everything returns back.
The sex, the inter dependency, the affection, respect and everything falls back in place, but in a very matured and practical manner this time.
Sex and life after your first gray hair is always special and beautiful (This is what my cousin used to tell me always, and I am waiting for it).

This is very very common in many households.

But the monkey mind always think the grass is greener the other side. OP's problems may not be bigger or at least she could have handled her problems differently (honestly via masturbation, toys, **** movies, and of course by encouraging her H differently) until things fall back. She could have handled her high drive via meditation and yoga too.
She could have understood her H's problems rather than accusing him for not performing in the bed. Accusing a man for this, and stressing him further will not be supportive.
She has managed all these so well, and her H is notably a good husband otherwise too. There is a kid, and OP has already reached 32 by the way. So, at this time her first priority should be her kid!!!

Things has taken a U turn when man2 appeared here. OP's high drive was pleased by the man2 and their lust took over all the love, respect, affection, companionship, motherhood, etc..etc... of the OP.
This lust will be there for sometimes, until OP realizes that sex is not the sole purpose of the marriage. By that time, she may have lost her man1, kid, respect, family, and possibly money and the social status too.

Man1's abusive words and violent behavior can never be justified, but what triggered him to behave like this (when he is not this kind otherwise) is understandable.
If not OP's parents and brother wouldn't be supporting him.

It is true that OP is almost sexually starved when she is married to man1 due to their missed match. She with a high drive, and he with a low drive, possibly due to his health conditions.
But their marriage was otherwise good.

Now that she is choosing a great sexual match, as a life. She must think that, a 30 mins performance in the bed cannot be equated to a 23.30hrs of life of the rest of the day. Life is beyond what is available in the bed.

 

@SGBV long one, that was. Like sparks notes summary for Madame Bovary. [This is one of those non-detailed book readings in many forin schools]
Until Man-1 and Man-2 register and post messages to clarify certain items, we will not know who is doing what to whom.

 

Such a wonderful post SGBV.Well said.

 

Quite Interesting !! Can you elaborate why it is so special and beautiful, after gray hair (you mean in aging couple, ok ?).

 

When will you get your first grey hair? May be in late 30s or early 40s, right?
I wouldn't call someone in their late 30 or early 40 as an aged person. They may be a little older to call youth, but still they are young both mentally and physically with loads of experience and maturity about life.
That is the stage where you are relatively settled in your career, life, and of course got rid of the pregnancy/postpartum period.
For sure, the in laws problems and the shocks after the marriage may be subsided.
This is when the life takes a normal ride, free from tensions, problems... if not, at least you have learnt to cope with it. So, the calm that prevails in your marriage can make it blissful.

This is not my quote, but this is what my cousin used to tell me whenever I faced problems in my marriage earlier. I am yet to have my first grey hair though. But I am seeing it from the way how my own marriage is progressing since the past 8 years. So, I agree with my cousin; hence posted here.

 

Thanks for a very clear explanation.

 

i know seeing from outside u can only twllnshe isbfyilty and wrong..but have u seen this from her point of view??

i know and i can feel her well
though ibam sexually satisfied and all that
i am emotionally deprived,my hubby is not available for me emotionaly,he is always available for his parents and sisters but not me..he can hang me anywere and run to fullfil his family needs..he wont talk to me even for 1 month if i point out his mistakes ..he will remain silent and he is a silent killer..i know for sire one day he will kill me with his silence and by justvnot talking qith me qhen i need someone just to talk..just emotional support but hebwont be available..but he takes sex from me whenever he requires when we r not fighting..bit he wont talk..i have felt suicidal manyba times ..i m alive only for my daughter ..but he is avery good father ..so i should put up with this just because he is a good father? his parents raised him good aswell..people will laugh at me and tell me this no problem at all..but he is pushing me into depression by being a silent killer..i am looking for emotional support outside marraige ..am contacting my old friends and venting ..here i can vent in indsladies.
mine is emotional problem so i dont need another man to solve this but hers is physical and she needs another man if his husband doesnt full fill and atleast even not trying to make her happy..wer will she go? she has to just put up and live like this ..??

 

@bron
Sorry to hear your story. Did you try getting any professional help?

I think you misunderstood many responses.
People did not suggest OP to put up with the problem. Suggestion was to fix the problem rather than running away with another man ignoring the implications of her decisions, on the little child.
Life is difficult when there is no emotional support or physical relationship from the spouse. But there are counsellors to fix the problem.

OP might have done everything to fix the problem but that does not justify the cheating and infidelity. She cheated her husband. After all of her attempts to resolves the issue, instead of ran IMG with man2, had she divorced her H and then romanced with man2, she would not have received responses like the ones she received now.

Sure, She needs a man but she has a responsibility too - her son.
Her need could have been met after she divorced her H. Romancing with another man while enjoying support (for other every aspect of life) from H is absolute selfishness.
Please do not compare your problem with OP.

 

you are absolutely correct and i totally accept your point..
even i am totally against op's decision and i somt support her completly..
but i found some one judging her totallybthat she will go behind 3rd one for famr and money thats when i felt bad for her
coz right now my position needs emotional support and i get panic attacks thinking my situation..my mind is restless because i fail to get that emotional support and i cidnt withstand his silence ..i feel its emotional abuse too..
here she is denied sex so which may make her restless yoo is what i felt..he body os restless here..but ibdont know if she totally denied or he is not like what she expects?? still if sex is what ibam going to miss i think i will be alright but emotional support and silent killing nature hurts more..
but its easier said than done..we dont know her position and her state of mind..
so i just pointed out dont judge..we r just suggestion givers and not supreme court magistrates