Bad Experience With Desi's!!!

anika987 · Jan 22, 2017

Many people consider friendships like " rail snegidham" meaning "train friendship".We meet in a train,we enjoyed their company and we leave and forget about them.

They don't hate us at the same time they don't care either.Tomorrow am sure if that OP's friend meets her in person she will be very friendly with her.

Many people have this detached attachment.Op's friend might have considered OP as an acquaintance and do not care.All she might have wanted was a company for her child and some help when needed.once that's no longer needed,she does not care.

Isn't that selfish?Well maybe.This is how many relationships unfortunately work.Many a times we see gang of people being friends but there is no love in that.All people need is company for the time being.Tat's all.

Not trying to support the act but just trying to put OP's annoyance to rest.
There have been times when I have considered many as good friends but turns out the friends do not consider me the same way I think about them.

pranavi · Jan 26, 2017

ThirumathiJ said: ↑

Hi All,

In this far away land from home, we all get excited when we see fellow Desis.
But they always end up hurting us. Getting hurt in friendships is common, but now a days
Desis mentality have gone down the drain. (not all but vast majority).

My personal observation at least in the city where I live New Jersey.
They only come to you if they need something. ( soooo sad, because I love to make friends).
I had 2 neighbors in different years of course, moved in to our neighborbood. We exchanged hi's.
I would make an attempt to call whenever I am bored, like every alternate day to just chit chat.
She would only call if she needs some kind of information, like whom do I contact in case of this problem, where do I go to get this/that sort of thing. Need to borrow something etc. NO CASUAL CALLS! Its always with some agenda.

Both neighbors did that to me.

The worst highlight of all.........both moved out of the place without saying BYE!
That was extremely hurtful. Both, until 1 day before moving out, knocked my door to borrow stuff.
But could not knock my door the next day to bid goodbye.
We had exchanged food in the duration of their stay and all, but I guess they thought we no longer need them, why do I have to say bye? That's the end of it.

Please share your experiences as well.
Click to expand...

omg !!!! am so relieved to find someone who thinks like me
am a very sensitive and reserved girl who cannot be ok which such kind of people ,i take lot of time to make friends and when i make friends with people i keep them to my heart ,after being abroad for 10 years my first 6 years was ok as i did not make deep friendships as we were constantly moving but my recent one was so hurting that i stopped believing in people,,but the last 6 years friends i still keep in touch with i call or text them atleast once in 3 months..,

Now there was a girl lets call her my bestie (just for the story)who had a single child and my son where same class and we lived in the same apartment and her husband used to travel and used to visit her after 20 days so those 20 days she used to be so close to me that she used to bring some curries to me,spend some time with me ,and they had a inner circle of friends who were friends with them from when her hubby was a bachelor ,and that gang has only one women who is working ,as i was stay at home mom she used to visit me and talk with me,find my weak points and she used to help me and i was so happy and thought she is like my sister (as i dont have a sister of my own) i fell for her,then her working friend became pregnant and went to india for 1 year trip,then she became even more close to me as i was the only one friend for her,,after her friend returned back she too became a stay at home mom,then my bestie started neglecting me,, and so happened that the bestie husband lost the job and my bestie is preparing herself for a job,,
after that we had to move out as my husband project got over after i came to new place am unable to make new friends and stop trusting people ,i was very hurt ...

then this so called bestie got job in same city where we moved and she had to leave her inner circle and come here and now am the only one for her,,intially for 4 months even if i called her she used to not lift the call and no reply for whatsapp messages and her husband still did not get a job and she became the only bread winner i understood her so i stopped calling her and now recently she called me ,came to my house and spoke to me as if nothing happened and started to butter me again ,,as now she needs help from my husband for her husband job referell so she got close to me again,,and she started saying in this new place we dont have anyone and even you dont have anyone lets meet frequently like very month...as now they stay 70 mins away from my home ,,
How to handle this situation ?? my son was happy to meet her son as they both were classmates before but he is little bit older and more mature and play video games all the time where as my son likes to read books
now i know her true color she will be toooooo sweet to become your friend if there is some use of you or else she will neglect you and once am hurt i can never act ..

ThirumathiJ · Jan 27, 2017

Hi Pranavi,

Don't worry.
Rule of Life : Everybody is selfish and will only come to you if they need something.
So, don't have expectations. Just enjoy that particular time these selfish ones spend with you. Because
as bad as it is, it will be even worst to shut off completely from people. That is what I do now.
Boredom is even worst than being a victim to these selfish people.

Of course there are few good people like yourself, so it will be a bonus if we ever meet them,
but until then just be friends with people knowing well they come with an expiration date. The
expiration date would mostly be when you/they move out!

It only really matters when our spouse or children behaves selfishly. Lets at least make sure to instill
good values to the newer generation. Its easy for them to be just like the rest of them in this county.

pranavi · Jan 26, 2017

i feel so happy to pour my heart here

skalluri · Jan 27, 2017

anika987 said: ↑

Many people consider friendships like " rail snegidham" meaning "train friendship".We meet in a train,we enjoyed their company and we leave and forget about them.

They don't hate us at the same time they don't care either.Tomorrow am sure if that OP's friend meets her in person she will be very friendly with her.

Many people have this detached attachment.Op's friend might have considered OP as an acquaintance and do not care.All she might have wanted was a company for her child and some help when needed.once that's no longer needed,she does not care.

Isn't that selfish?Well maybe.This is how many relationships unfortunately work.Many a times we see gang of people being friends but there is no love in that.All people need is company for the time being.Tat's all.

Not trying to support the act but just trying to put OP's annoyance to rest.
There have been times when I have considered many as good friends but turns out the friends do not consider me the same way I think about them.
Click to expand...

you analyzed it very well in a very positive way, yes we cannot live if we don't take in positive manner. I know op also does this because she mentioned that she helps neighbours voluntarily when they need any kind of help without being asked.

I too had experienced and still experience the same and still trying to be positive about the people, do your part and don't stress yourself.

Vedhavalli · Apr 12, 2017

I think almost of all of saw at least one person in USA, who is damn selfish.

I would want to share something, which may sound ridiculous, one of the neighbour ( happens to be DH collegue's wife) was pregnant , after I moved here, she had morning sickness I used to give her curries gravies almost every day.
1. I never used get my dishes back, I go to pick or I push my DH get back the dish. Not even a single day they returned to my home.
I never wanted with something on my dish.
I thought may be she is feeling bad, by not giving anything in return, so continued giving till her mom came here.
Then when she was admitted in hospital,
The apt ladies 3 (DH collegue's wifves only) made plan to give them all 3 meals while they are in hospital.
I told them, may be they wouldn't want..None of the ladies knew driving..
So it was me who has give food to hospital.
3 days it happened, each one cooked either breakfast , lunch or dinner.
I have a toddler, who is going to play school.
Have to pick her and give the lunch in hospital.
2. I called the guy to come n take lunch, he coolly said wait for 10 min. Me n my kiddo waited in car. He already knew I would bring lunch at 12.30. I gave and drove back.
Note that not even a single time they conveyed thanks. All 3 days.
I gave them coffee , tea every time along with food. I had prepared 1 day breakfast idli sambar chutney, 2nd day veg pulav and Gobi fry, 3rdday breakfast .
Neighbor's mom commented coffee isn't hot in your flask(Coffee sudaave illa). On the second day. ( Who will deliver coffee breakfast@,9.15 in USA cold mornings)
I got on my nerves, dint speak a word. Drove back. That night told apt ladies ask your hubby's to go n give, I gave bad headache, which got because of their behavior.
Next day the neighbor called to do Aarthi for her n kid as no one is there.
I couldn't go said I have periods can't do.
Now, they call me often with one or other. I keep lil distance as they weren't gratitude., A single thanks I expected... Nothing else.
The neighbor's mom telling me I would go to India soon, it's you who have to take care. I smiled and came back.
They often enquire what I make for lunch, Sunday gave a curry still waiting for the dish to come back. Always this happens, then I started giving in disposable cups.. they are taking wrong..As it's unhealthy to put hot food in paper or foam cups.
Where I was wrong..I believed in good deeds but after coming to USA I'm learning more about people.
This my another rant with another lady
Am I Not Smart? Or I'm Too Good

gknew · Apr 12, 2017

Vedhavalli said: ↑

I think almost of all of saw at least one person in USA, who is damn selfish.

I would want to share something, which may sound ridiculous, one of the neighbour ( happens to be DH collegue's wife) was pregnant , after I moved here, she had morning sickness I used to give her curries gravies almost every day.
1. I never used get my dishes back, I go to pick or I push my DH get back the dish. Not even a single day they returned to my home.
I never wanted with something on my dish.
I thought may be she is feeling bad, by not giving anything in return, so continued giving till her mom came here.
Then when she was admitted in hospital,
The apt ladies 3 (DH collegue's wifves only) made plan to give them all 3 meals while they are in hospital.
I told them, may be they wouldn't want..None of the ladies knew driving..
So it was me who has give food to hospital.
3 days it happened, each one cooked either breakfast , lunch or dinner.
I have a toddler, who is going to play school.
Have to pick her and give the lunch in hospital.
2. I called the guy to come n take lunch, he coolly said wait for 10 min. Me n my kiddo waited in car. He already knew I would bring lunch at 12.30. I gave and drove back.
Note that not even a single time they conveyed thanks. All 3 days.
I gave them coffee , tea every time along with food. I had prepared 1 day breakfast idli sambar chutney, 2nd day veg pulav and Gobi fry, 3rdday breakfast .
Neighbor's mom commented coffee isn't hot in your flask(Coffee sudaave illa). On the second day. ( Who will deliver coffee breakfast@,9.15 in USA cold mornings)
I got on my nerves, dint speak a word. Drove back. That night told apt ladies ask your hubby's to go n give, I gave bad headache, which got because of their behavior.
Next day the neighbor called to do Aarthi for her n kid as no one is there.
I couldn't go said I have periods can't do.
Now, they call me often with one or other. I keep lil distance as they weren't gratitude., A single thanks I expected... Nothing else.
The neighbor's mom telling me I would go to India soon, it's you who have to take care. I smiled and came back.
They often enquire what I make for lunch, Sunday gave a curry still waiting for the dish to come back. Always this happens, then I started giving in disposable cups.. they are taking wrong..As it's unhealthy to put hot food in paper or foam cups.
Where I was wrong..I believed in good deeds but after coming to USA I'm learning more about people.
This my another rant with another lady
Am I Not Smart? Or I'm Too Good
Click to expand...

Hi,
Ur posts are really helpful to me. I have moved to US 10 months back and I m living in a community where there are no Desi's around...have hardly seen only 3 families (one family is a elder couple settled here)..no one is close to me. Even I call them or ping them to meet up,they don't even respond..I used to feel very bad that no neighbours/friends around. Me and DH are very friendly and we talk to everyone when I meet them in stores/parks,wherever.
After reading ur post, I feel better that being like this is good than an annoying neighbor. Its good that u handled them very well. Hope we will get good friends soon.

satyasrinivas80 · Apr 19, 2017

ThirumathiJ,
I don't know if the time heals us or if we get immune as the time goes by but I have experienced these type of situations here in the US for the past decade and half.
I had a neighbor who used to borrow spices, utensils, storage boxes. Her attitude is if she sees something in my house she has to borrow it the next day. She used to invite herself and her son for lunch. She drops her son at others people's houses and goes out but if you ask for favor she makes excuses. She took lot of help from me when she was expecting her second child. She used to come for walks with me when she was pregnant and insisted that I have to go to her house on the days she didn't join me. She did pooja when she was pregnant and I helped her with cooking food and prasad. But, her behavior totally changed when she doesn't need me. She didn't bother to tell me when they were moving and I came to know when I called her to inform that I'm expecting. This lady dropped her son several times at my place when she had to do some upgrades to her new house she moved for good so she was not sad or anything. (She is cheap enough not to tell me).Lately, she unfriended me on facebook as well. Some people have no gratitude. They just use us and throws us out. It's their nature and yes it hurts but they are just takers but not givers.