Overcoming The Gender Bias

guesshoo · Sep 26, 2016

Hello fellow mums (and dads),

There is a lot of gender stereo-typing going on even at a subconscious level. The more I notice it happen, even in an environment of kids, the more I can see how indoctrined we are in accepting this differential and unfair treatment. There are books and articles and seminars being conducted about how much more needs to be done to equalise the playing field.

Are you tuned to this discrepancy? Do you see it happening?

What is it that you do to make your daughters AND sons aware of this? How do you help them combat it? Let's share ideas.

Xx

SGBV · Oct 4, 2016

I see this happening around our little ones' lives.
The girl is already asking why she is not gifted any superhero toy, but always her brother gets them. She likes superheros over other girly characters like elsa or dora. But our visitors always make sure she gets some pinky toys, while gifting superheros to her bro.
She recognize it as unfair, and I support her.
So, I ensure they both play together with all the toys. There shouldn't be any discrimination based on gender. I already mentioned to them that it is OK to like superheros, and dislike elsa. She is happy.

My son is learning via his dad that it is perfectly OK to wash cloths, and cook in the kitchen as much as he wants. There is no rule that men shouldn't do household chores. So, he helps me with simple chores (he is only 5 +) and never thinks it is women's role.

Both of my kids see that both of their parents go to work. They see that both of their parents drive the car, ride the bike, and go out, meet with people... and mostly we do not differentiate our tasks as per the gender.
There are days I work with the building contractors, and climb up to the top floor to inspect the work. My kids have seen it too.
Likewise, there are days when my H controlled the kitchen too. Again, my kids witnessed both.

We ensure we watch selective TV programs, and not necessarily gender specific. I watch cricket interestingly, whereas my H watch movies a lot.

Once my son said mom should watch TV serials, and dad should watch cricket because that's how it is in her friend's place. But I clarified him, and said both the programs are for both and there is no rule as to who should watch what. But if women like serials the most, then it is ok for them to watch it.

There is a gender box, and that's where we all are locked in. Jumping out of the box has been always a problem for the women in the past. Now that we have somewhat managed to jumped out.
But men never had a reason to jump out of the box all these while. Now that they are trying to come out, but it is not that easy. At least we must make our little sons aware of all this, and the need to be out of the gender box.
Eg: a woman is allowed to work outside and earn a salary easily. But a man has so much social taboo to stay at home or look after the house.
A woman is allowed to wear jeans and Ts, but men is not allowed to wear a women's cloth

GoogleGlass · Oct 4, 2016

something related to this - really an eye opener:

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=566703230186045

mriduna · Oct 4, 2016

Thank you for starting this discussion. For the most part both my daughter and son get the gender neutral message from parents with respect to household chores, work, driving etc. We are also lucky to be surrounded by immediate family and friends with similar values so that has not been an issue. The problem comes from outside subtle elements for me which pose major parenting challenge. For example - clothing - I have let my son try mehndi, nail polish etc along with my daughter who is 5. Most of my family brushed it off as kid exploring as he is just 2.5. Wearing those to school has been a no-no for both of them. But now my son wanted to wear a lehanga just like his sister when we were getting ready for a wedding and I am immediately cornered with guilt (on my own and from others) for not setting clothing boundaries correctly. Similarly, I don't know if I completely made sense with my justification to my daughter about why girls cannot go to the pool in just trunks and need to cover the upper part of the body too (she saw a few of her class boys coming only in swim trunks for the class and wanted to do the same).
Another issue - peer-pressure which unfortunately starts pretty early. Fortunately their daycare / school addresses it and tries to curtail it a lot, there was a phase where my daughter only wanted to wear dresses for the fear of not being included and looking like a boy.
What do you do in such situations?

anika987 · Oct 4, 2016

you know what shocked me sometime back is..my dd saying"mom..only girls will clean the home,not boys".it shocked me.i did not teach her and am sure not in school!so probably she is watching dear dad sitting and watching tv after coming back from work..

am plannig to get back to work not for ambitions but to make sure we both share work(for my dd to see)and also tell her to earn her own money

Rihana · Oct 5, 2016

guesshoo said: ↑

Are you tuned to this discrepancy? Do you see it happening?
Click to expand...

Not really tuned to the discrepancy. The pink/blue battles in the toystore, or the girl wants to do what the boy is doing kind of thing are too small in the grand scheme of things. As is the clueless teacher whom the kid has for a year and who multiple times tells the class how math is not her favorite subject - in 4th grade when they have only one teacher, and given that by November, each kid pretty much falls in love with the teacher. : )

I reserve the concern for bigger things like disparity in income, real challenges like woman being the one who will bear children, and my current biggest worry/fear remains - what if my son or daughter chooses a partner who does not at all believe in gender equality.

What is it that you do to make your daughters AND sons aware of this? How do you help them combat it? Let's share ideas.
Click to expand...

The same stuff done to teach them to deal with life's other challenges: be able to think for yourself, speak up for yourself and others, have conviction in your beliefs.

I do talk with them about gender discrimination I faced, how it helped me become the person I am, how it backfired for those who practiced it, and about how we distribute responsibilities in our house- equally but not by dividing each responsibility by 2.

guesshoo · Oct 5, 2016

@SGBV , indeed not following stereotypes at home is indeed the first step to showing the kids anyone can do anything.

SGBV said: ↑

There is a gender box, and that's where we all are locked in. Jumping out of the box has been always a problem for the women in the past. Now that we have somewhat managed to jumped out.
But men never had a reason to jump out of the box all these while. Now that they are trying to come out, but it is not that easy. At least we must make our little sons aware of all this, and the need to be out of the gender box.
Eg: a woman is allowed to work outside and earn a salary easily. But a man has so much social taboo to stay at home or look after the house.
A woman is allowed to wear jeans and Ts, but men is not allowed to wear a women's cloth
Click to expand...

Yes. I can see your point. I also think that right now, men need to get more used to women being capable, being aware of the bias and helping amplify women's voices without feeling heir masculinity is being threatened.

guesshoo · Oct 5, 2016

mriduna said: ↑

The problem comes from outside subtle elements for me which pose major parenting challenge.
Click to expand...

The woe of those external elements! My daughter loves "boys" socks - with scary animals, dinosaurs and robots. And she is often told they are for boys. I've taught her to rebuff them saying perhaps rather rudely, "nonsense! I love blue and pirates too" she's mastering rolling her eyes.

Like sgbv has said boys do have it harder with respect to clothes. I've known boys want to wear pretty hairclips or hairbands at 3 and dads freak out. I try to reason with the dads and mums when I know them... not thst it makes a difference

We see cross dressers quite often and now my child doesn't bat and eyelid. When she first had questions about a man dressed as a women wih a prominent 5 o clock shadow, I said that is a woman who was born a man. Or perhaps someone who just wants to wear women's clothes. Now she wants to try out being a woman. Since anyone can be anything, it's rude to stare or point. She pondered and said she prefers jeans and such because it's better for the park but wants to be a girl so she had a chouce what to wear. That was that.

I do have a cousin whose wife brought their 3 year old in girls' traditional wear to a wedding because he wanted to wear that. It was very cute. I don't think it did him any harm.

Similarly, I don't know if I completely made sense with my justification to my daughter about why girls cannot go to the pool in just trunks and need to cover the upper part of the body too
Click to expand...

Since we've discussed women's and mens bodies, it was easy. I said most women prefer covering their torso because their breasts are very important parts which make milk for babies; they want to protect it. However since some people find it rude for people to not be covered, there are specific places where people could go to if hey didn't want to wear clothes. That seemed to satisfy her.

More than clothes and toys I'm worried about attitudes and falling back to let boys ahead. I keep talking about suffragettes; I keep talking about girls not being loud enough, or strong enough. I show her a set of pictures of world leaders and corporate with loads of women included. Women and brown/ black people. Also paralympic champions and hope that she understands nothing stops people from achieving.[/QUOTE]

Shanvy · Oct 5, 2016

Why should boys have all the fun has been my daughter's favourite line even before is he realised it is a tagline for a ad. A tomboy who lead everyone in mischief, fun and fights.
We made everything gender neutral whenever and wherever it is possible. Sometimes it has made her square peg in a round hole somuch as to be labelled with gender preferences.sigh ..

At home adventure,studies, or chores are gender neutral. It is a woman's/man's job is not heard at home. Everybody pitches and the only thing that is most important is teamwork and end result. The lady wears the pant or the man wears the apron sigh when we stop this thought process of raising the eyebrow things an be better.

To me dresses,makeup and related is just tip of this iceberg. The pink or blue is a small issue compared to many other issues

Recently there has been a lot of furore on gender neutrality in dresses. Even schools allow skirts for boys but I am told some boys were more bothered with girl's skirts keeping them cool in the hot summer. Oh we human's area weird lot I say.

Overcoming gender specific issues starts at home. Being supportive with the choices made by others.

I liked this article
The First Time My Son Chose To Wear A Dress In Public | Huffington Post

guesshoo · Oct 5, 2016

@anika987 that is exactly why parents need to strive to bust gender stereotypes. In out household, even a very minor comment like that and dad has to (and does)show that he has the responsibility of doing chores. Over the weekend, he is fully enlisted in cooking and cleaning and laundry as is my little one. They both live there too and have to uncomplainigly contribute.