Compromise In Marriage

Some of what you call as compromises have been routinely (and without grudging) been done by our parents' generation (some exceptions aside), and have been done for the happiness of the family entity. They dont even view or talk about it as compromise. In our generation - there is lot more "analysis" of it. The best way to not compromise is to live a single life, but however that has its own compromises in life.

TO what extent - each couple varies, I know couples where the woman has compromised a lot but does not view it as a burden or "sacrifice". Happily does it. So depends on couple to couple and as long as you are not harboring ill feeling, or not doing it with a grudge about it, then its fine.

 

Hey @blindpup10 ,
I could relate to your post too. Even I have seen some of these changes in me from an independent girl to stay at home girl. This transition, I believe, is sometimes like cutting your own wings from spreading wide and flying high. So yes I think Marriage is a compromise.
But I also see some good in my compromise. Like, after coming to the US we actually started to know each other- me and my husband. Otherwise, it was always more about in-laws, MIL's ego getting hurt, her lashing, the festivals, all ideal behavior. When we were living with in-laws I had decided to focus on my job only and not pick any home battles though it hurt a lot.
About extent of compromise, I think if I can handle 40% of compromise I should compromise only 30%. This is because no one is going to honor your compromise, including your partner and we start expecting the same from others if we do more compromise always.

 

No I don't think men do notice the compromises from their partners. Ideally, I believe that marriage is a compromise by a man and a woman, but it is interesting to note how men do not notice the compromise from their partners. I am going by the logic that one who does the compromise knows how it feels, so he or she should atleast acknowledge or appreciate the compromise done by others. But it does not happen. Acknowledgement, appreciation is always lacked and that is why others feel the mounting pressure of doing it all by himself or herself.
We have always seen our mothers, grand-mothers doing the compromises and we do the same for our families but it is not acknowledged, instead it is seen as "So what is the big deal in that ?"
So I think what remains in our hands is not to make compromise as a habit, because when it forms a habit it is always taken for granted.
I have seen compromises made by my mother and also heard about the compromises made by MIL. I see that they have not been appreciated at any stages which filled both of them with bitterness. I believe a woman is what you give, offer her, if you love her she will love you back if you feed her resentment and ignorance she will give you back the same.

 

@blindpup10 ,
I completely agree with your point- "Women have to compromise less and when they are compromising I think women should communicate how difficult/ hurdle / going out of the zone to accommodate her DH or life situation is from her POV."
Let us practice this, and raise our children to learn to appreciate, acknowledge, listen to others

 

Compromises are indeed a part of any marriage. The extent varies, and while typically the woman does a bit more of it in "Indian marriage", sometimes the reverse is true too. And sometimes one gender does it for some years, and then later the other spouse does it - so in the long run, both do, but these vary a lot based on the dynamics of the couples/extended-family.

 

OH boy, quite heavy questions here. Let me take a stab at answering. This is what I think- not proven by any studies whatsoever though. So I have only few close examples to support my answers.

Do men notice compromises from their partners?
I would like to think that they do notice the compromises. Then again, is the definition of compromise same for a man and a woman in a relationship? IF they are not on the same page because of different family background/ upbringing, then it is a different issue altogether. But I would say that some spouses especially those who are equally educated or successful like their better halves would definitely notice the adjustments (not the compromise)

Appreciate the compromise?
Depends on the dynamics of a relationship. Some people show verbal appreciation, some like to take a different stand on it. Like in my parent's time, mom was already settled in career while dad was pursuing studies. They got engaged to be married and mum had to wait for 3 years before marriage. Compromise? Naah- temporary adjustment. Mom's 2 younger sis got married before her. She spent every dime she earned in getting a plot of her first house. did dad appreciate that? verbally never. Subtly, many a times. He is more proud of my mum than anyone in his whole khandan. Did mum complain about it? I never heard her complain (atleast never in front of us). Was she happy doing that? I think not ( atleast not the waiting time). But does she feel good about doing it? 100% Does she expect appreciation from dad? of course she does. Does she get it often? no, dad will move the mountain for her but never say anything appreciative directly to her. That's the relationship dynamics. Ditto with granny and grandpa.

Fast forward, in current times. We do a lot of adjustments to bring balance in the family. Some adjustments are done voluntarily like taking a complete break from outside work to raise kids, while some are forced upon. If these adjustments are agreed upon and worked upon by both, there should be no place for resentment and/or expectation. In this time and age, both partners have to adjust to bring some balance in life, especially if both are going outside to earn the wages for family. So when a husband makes a morning coffee for wife while she is getting ready for work and making kids ready for school, a simple smile and a kiss from her is an appreciation for husband. When he gets her car serviced on a weekend instead of joining his buddies for game, she making his fav food and drink is an appreciation she has for him.

Or is it taken for granted that Wife/ women HAVE to compromise- coz of the society, divorce/ keeping peace at home/ sake of children.
Unfortunately, most of the society is hard wired to think this way.