Totally Devastated!!

I would say wait till you get back to USA and work on your marriage.Don't bend yourself too much just to please him.Convey your thoughts through words rather than shouting or yelling impulsively.Also focus on your career or take up some other hobby.Talk to your husband calmly and convey your thoughts so that he knows how much you love him.

The possesiveness and intial marriage fights will be there in every marriage.Forget and try building your marriage with your husband so that your MIL doesn't have a chance to interfere.

 

@sensitivegal -

Given how that your dad and brother aren't supportive, I dont think it is a good idea for you to remain in India. As @JGVR suggested, try to keep peace till you return to USA. In the US first of all focus on finding a job. Do you have employable skills in the U.S ? Can you get a visa or work permit ?

Until the point you get a job, you could consider taking up a certification exam, or a short course in a community college and/or volunteering at an organization that will leverage your professional skills until such time you find a job. These will be helpful in keeping your mind focussed on a constructive activity.

Both your husband and you need to change for the better for the marriage to work. Even if you alone change but your husband remains a man-child or doesn't respect your wishes in important matters, the marriage will be rocky. Yes some can say that a mature woman can handle everything, but it is a herculean task and it is unfair and unrealistic to put the onus of peace-keeping on one person in the marriage. Just so you know I do feel for you about some of the things that your husband has done - it is not right for him to deny you return to your matrimonial home, likewise him getting tough on you is a bad strategy to manage the issues between you, i also disagree on him curbing your freedom in communicating with others.

How much is the idea that your MIL is plotting a re-marriage for your husband troubling you ? Is it a real threat ? Can you push that out of your mind ? If it bothers you too much, would you feel talking about it frankly with your husband will bring you peace ? You could just say that you heard about this through the common acquaintance to whom it was told and you are concerned about this. Talking about it doesnt mean fighting about it or being aggressive about it. Talking about it means putting it on the table and acknowledging some information that you know and expressing your unhappiness on it. You can tell him clearly that if he or his mom are considering such ideas it is better to not proceed any further. But that decision must be made now so that your efforts to improve the marriage are not in vain or wasted.

In the U.S, hopefully with more things to distract you and less focus on your problems you will have a better chance of improving your relationship. I highly recommend taking the help of a counselor in the U.S to enable both of you learn skills in conflict management. I say this only because the issues you listed seem so intertwined with the mis-steps committed by both of you at different points in your relationship. Your husband needs to be counseled as well and I'm not confident that just dispensing advice to you via the IL forum can help bring about lasting change in the marriage. You both need a cool, objective person (like a relationship coach/referee) who can help you both communicate better with each other, understand each other and help yourself become a better partner for each other. These are learnable skills and such help may be needed only temporarily - so not to worry.

Hope these ideas are of help to you.

 

Dear @sensitivegal,

Don't think about divorce for now. May be he is under too much of influence of his mother. Give him sometime. First try for a job, if you are currently not working. Be patient for sometime and try to be nice with him, so that he will come out his mother's influence.

Plan for weekend outings & try to spend time together. I hope slowly things will turn in to your favor.

As you mentioned in your post, he was good and caring earlier. May be if you show extra care & love, slowly he may change. IMO going for divorce is not a great option for now, as you do not have proper support from your father & brother. Try your best to save your marriage with bit of patience.

Good Luck

 

Till you are in India, stay quiet, do everything necessary to maintain peace with MIL and DH and leave to US. It is just one week, it should not be difficult.

Once you have settled in US, and got over your jet lag, talk to your DH. First, ACCEPT whatever mistakes have happened in the past, and tell him that you are ready to work on the marriage now, but need his help. Do not raise issues about low sex drive right now. Start very, very slowly, by touching him when calling his name, or hugging him while leaving to office, or holding hands while walking somewhere. Show him you are a willing, happy, partner. Nothing is wrong with him physically, he will respond. I believe that once you connect better emotionally, the physical part will automatically improve.

I think that your DH is enjoying his Revenge/Testing mode right now, just to get back at you for the past. It suddenly feels good to hurt you, rather than BE hurt by you. But in his true nature, he is a good man, and is supportive and caring of you, so he might just get tired of being like this, and slowly ease back into his earlier nature. I hope that moment comes sooner rather than later.

And until then, don't nag him or push him into it. You can't force a person to be nice; he has to get over past memories by himself. Just as you took your time to get over your anger issues, and be better balanced, he needs time too. Meanwhile, if he shows even a bit of positivity, encourage him and respond to him. Completely blank out MIL politics. You have much work to do among yourselves to be bothered about others. If possible, change your apartment, and start afresh with no memories of the cops visits.

Consider the day you land in US as the first day of your marriage, and start from scratch. Things will improve.
Good luck, stay patient.

 

Can you guys go for a counselling..coz you have told you had certain problems with him talking with females earlier and now your mil can easiky manipulate him..so counselling might help..

 

Op, Hold everything inside you until you reach US with hubby. Don't argue , don't talk don't do anything. You need to play smart now.

The present situation has lot to do with your mentality in early marriage. You doubting incessantly about hubby when he spoke to women. Making him stop contact with other women is not a good thing. Early in the marriage you shud be making good memories not nag him relentlessly. That resulted in a bad start to your marriage. Its a miracle you didn't make your hubby pursue a ex marital affair.

Nevertheless you dad in a accident was a bad thing. Hope he is better. You shud have gone back after insuring your dad is fine. Never come to India without a return ticket. Its good in terms of your relationship with your own family and in laws. Nobody likes an indefinite visit.

Your in laws took major advantage of your absence and convinced your hubby of your faults.Not to mention your hubby was ripe to be convinced easily. Either way you need to wisen up and sit tight until you reach US. Even after that see to it that your don't repeat what you did in early marriage. Now bond with hubby and give your marriage a base.Indulge him and your MIL until sometime there. Don't come for long stays during that duration and weaken your marriage. Now its holiday season here in US.Go on trips and relax yourself.Good Luck.

 

@sensitivegal

I related to this post as though it was mirroring me when I was newly married. So please don’t mind the long post--

I was raised to be tomboyish.- this was highly encouraged in my family. With my dad’s business I had grown to be a female figure- with all attributes of a man. I had a stern tone in dealing with people, didn’t deal with BS, I knew what I wanted and I would get it no matter what. These attributes are strongly associated to be man’s and not encouraged for a woman to have it.

My own cousins have hurt me saying “If she gets married and stays married for more than 3 years I will buy sarees for all the female person in my family”. That is why I strongly related to your post and here is how I changed from tomboyish girl to who I am today.


Issue 1- Build your independence without your DH’s help- If you are on H4 go to school or look to get a job. When you start to earn and have an independent visa… your DH won't take you for granted.


Issue 2- DH- You cant change your DH’s attitude of being friendly/ flirty. Try to be a coaster.. when he is being too flirty try to make it casual or have a different POV for his behavior if you are with friends. Better don’t even bother.. let him be who he is.. If he doesn’t take it too far (women around him are feeling uncomfortable they will walk away)

My story- My DH is a clown in his family! He cracks stupidest/ silly jokes about the pettiest being on sight and my MIL/ SIL are waiting to laugh (jokes about stray dogs/ homeless people). My own personality is very different.. I don’t laugh at someone else cost. Even accepting was way too hard for me. In the beginning.. I would try to reason out with my DH why he is making fun of some poor creature. It only lead to fights. My DH wanted me to see from his POV of his jokes. BS. His POV my POV. I don’t care.. I just don’t take jokes about anything sad.

This is what I did- I started to distinguish clearly if that’s his personality...let him be. Let him make fun, let him embarrass himself in front of whoever, whatever. It is finally him and his personality.

Don’t try to say anything negative to your DH about his personality. Anything that you say will come across as you are trying to change him…especially in the beginning of the marriage.. cause even guys will be warned or have heard stories how wife will try to change them. That resistance will be there. Long story short my DH is still the same.. but not in front of me when he talks to his mom/ sis his cheap jokes oozes out.


Health- don’t worry about low sex drive- he has agreed to go to a doc.. if it is something medical, it can be rectified. Your DH is open to seeing a doc and getting help. Don’t stress on it.


Anything previous to marriage is past- Yes My DH also has said how many proposals he got, such good ones. The girl was hot, tall- that this... I have asked him why didn’t he go for them….?? Point blank- just in a very curious manner (not with anger or frustration). All guys will tell that its like broken record to get newly wed wife into proper reigns. Honestly either they are making it up or your DH finds something in you that he really likes that no other proposal had. This is the honest fact!


No female friendship (platonic ones too)- if there are any female involved... I opened my arms and became friends with that woman first. Treat her better and highlight my DH in positive light. Don’t ever encourage the platonic relationship with any female.

Issue No-3 MIL- All MIL's have similar attitude-
Almost same scenario- my dad fell ill and I came down to India to be with him. My IL’s picked me from airport/ spent time with my family and they left. Didn’t even invite me. (they live in a different town).
Jeez where do I even begin- I have a hard-hearted MIL. Only if her daughter experience then she can relate to it otherwise she expects the moon to be placed in her hands.

Whatever the reasoning was ( I just didn’t question)—After spending time with my family for a week. Even without invitation. I just sat in a bus (my family needed my driver) my mother called my IL’s after the bus left and my DH. And in 3 hours I am in my DH’s house. MY IL’s picked me up. I spent 3- 4 days with them. They came to drop me to my city.

The reasoning- Your MIL doesn’t want you to claim that it is your house too. No matter what.. you should visit and make happy memories with them. Even today I can proudly tell my DH that I made an effort to spend time with his family (although it wasn’t required) UntilI read this post... I always felt guilty that I left my father to visits my IL’s. NOPE. It is my right to that house... I didn’t want an invitation. If you are invited then you are being treated as a guest. Coz that’s who you will invite/ make plans ahead/ make an arrangement.

My suggestion- Don’t think about your MIL plotting to get him to agree for second marriage. It's not that easy. The grass is always greener on the other side.

Try couple counseling.

Have your own stuff to do in the US, without your DH’s help.

Try to ignore MIL for awhile. Be smart- be nice to her. Be welcoming.

You are still in India- you and your DH go shopping to buy accessories to your home. Make sure you tell its our home. Give unified look of yourself and your DH. And also buy one similar object to your MIL too. Tell her that I bought one for you and one for us.

If you Dh/ MIL provokes you- just be calm/quite and give a “idk what you are talking about” look. Dont give analogy and explanation. They won't understand.

Brace yourself with witty comebacks. If your DH says things like “you will sit on my head” Just laugh.. and humor the situation. And say things like how will you go to work with me being on your head all the time…! I know it’s a PJ. But whatever will make the situation disperse at the moment.

Don’t prolong the fights. I have a rule- Fight and hug it out.

Don’t nag/ Don’t talk about any controversial topics with him or his family.

Forget and forget about all fights and start afresh.

Married couples need time to adjust to their partners. Don’t think about divorce, its not easy being divorced.

Goodluck- Sorry for the long post. Hope these suggestion helps.