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My Sil's Behaviour

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by nomad24, Jul 27, 2016.

  1. nomad24

    nomad24 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I am in state of despair. My younger brother got married to a girl of his choice, though initially my family was not very happy with the match. They got married in Feb this year amongst all fan fare like a typical big wedding in the family.

    My SIL will not message or bother to say hi/keep in touch though I have often tried to maintain a relationship. I have so many time messaged/called her to initiate and she talks nicely but wont reciprocate. She doest not even talk to my mother or father though all of them are living in the same house. She will only talk business language that too rarely like asking what to make today sometimes. All other comms are happening through my brother. If they are going out, he will come and mention, if she is getting late at work or going out with brother, brother will say we are going out, even with matters related to kitchen, she would not talk directly to my mom or dad. If I call at home landline and she picks, I will talk to her and then ask to give it to mom, she will tell my brother to tell my mom that I have called.

    She will go to the kitchen, make food and go to her room. Make tea and then again go to the room and mostly will just stay there and will not come out to talk generally with parents or have tea together.

    Recently, she visited her parents and stayed with them for 2 weeks and did not bother to call my parents once to check how they are doing. Looks like she doesnt care about anyone or doesnt attempt to try to make a relationship. My parents are quite liberal and open and it leaves me quite baffled about her behaviour.

    Just so clueless and disheartened about her behaviour towards my parents. Feels like she has nothing to do with them and living like a stranger in the house.

    Has anyone faced a similar situation? How can I help? I am afraid this is going to create even further distance and cold relationship without any reasons.
     
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  2. songbird46

    songbird46 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,
    My SIL is like this.
    Set your expectations to 0. When you do meet, be polite, cordial, gracious. Let your parents work out how to live with her. If they complain to you about her tell them they can:
    1. Work it out with their son in a gentle respectful manner. He must be aware of his wife's behaviour.
    2. If things don't change after option 1 of dialogue & repeated requests, the couple can move out.
    3. If option 2 is not feasible, everybody lumps it.
    Please consider that if your parents were initially against the match, things may have been said against her that she came to know of. So she is bring smarting biding her time.
    OR
    This may just be her nature and you will all have to get used to it. Put up with it for your brother's sake - as long as she is not rude or disrespectful.
    She is the Dil. Your parents may be Liberal & open for you, but she doesn't know them. Let her find out. All of you set an example. Give it time.
     
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  3. nomad24

    nomad24 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Songbird. That's very nicely put.

    Its so tough to ground the expectations. My husband's sister and brother and me get along so well, like elder siblings. Ditto with my in laws. So, naturally, I expected things to be all happy, peaceful and warm at my parents place as well and the dynamics to be positive as well.

    Also, how do you be so objective and keep your cool. I usually just boil and get so mad (imagine hulk) at the thought of all of it.
     
  4. songbird46

    songbird46 Gold IL'ite

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    How lovely for you that your own family & siblings & Inlaws are warm and affectionate! No wonder you're so hurt by this aloofness.
    BUT: this is the way it is. Focus on your life and be happy & grateful.
    As for expectations: think of a child learning to walk. Some are quick, some are not.
    Be very patient. Just as you are very comfortable with your family, she may be very comfortable with hers who may be reserved, reticent, quiet and needing a lot of space. She may be a huge introvert...or not.

    My SIL will get work done from me & my family, the rest of the time we don't exist. The exact opposite of most DiLs who try to find favour. You know what? I think I'm jealous of her & wish I had learnt a few things from her. She is very close to her own family & friends. But my brother is happy, they have a good life with kids & He has let slip that there should be no expectations. We had some horrendous experiences with her so we all backed off and are wary.
    But your brother is like you, so at least you still have a relationship. Keep it going and ask him what he liked in her because she is so different from you all; you might be surprised. Be kind at all times. Ask him what he would like from you all in terms of making her comfortable.

    Most of all, let time go by. She'll find her place in your family. Appreciate her strengths and good qualities, don't overdo the affection, stand up for her, don't judge - but don't sacrifice your self-respect or dignity or mental peace.
    There's no harm in everyone being polite and taking their time. Step right back and take it slow.
     
  5. StrongLady

    StrongLady Silver IL'ite

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    Nomad,
    My Sil was exactlysame and during the fights we realized all her inside feelings and minor minor one thing that happened during marriage she developed hatred towards us.
    At marriage ceremony usually the function halls have 2 rooms. One is given to boy side one to girl side.
    We went marriage and all of us from Usa. When we asked where is room they showed us a shed which was 2 ft bathroom size. My husband, I and kids used that for changing clothes.
    Afternoon we realized there were 2 rooms both occupied by the bride side.
    So next day my mom asked that how come we were not given 1 room. It was difficult to change sarees in shed kind of thing.

    My Sil told everyone that we torture her parents with our demands of room.

    She mentioned that she never imagine staying with inlaws and didn't like the setup and wanted to have separate family.
    Also that she don't have freedom and doesn't feel as her house.

    Second thing was she wanted to come US and me staying in US made her jealous or negative thinking as she thought that am proud or whatever.
    Also I used to call my.mom and she would secretly listen to thsee details my mom tells me and started looking at me as enemy.

    These created mire fights distance among us and my brother has suffered a lot.

    I initiated talks and later stayed away which was my mistake. I wish would have kept trying to talk to her. Or else she wouldn't have divorced.

    My honest suggestion, tell ur parents to leave Sil alone or else trying to complaint ur brother will create fights among them.
    She is not willing to develop any relationship or contact so be.polite and formal.
    Ask ur parents to mind their own business and don't encourage to listening complaints which was the mistake I did.

    Be happy that ur brother is having happy married life.





     
  6. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    I could understand your situation. But you dont know whats in ur sil mind. Either she might take time to patch up with u all or She might hav her own complaints. So jus give her time. And make ur brother understand that u want to maintain good rel with his wife. If she has any issues with u ur brother might convey to u. And u can understand. But dont make it as a issue. If no such complaints from him then u keep taking initiative for some time. If there is no response. Gradually stop it. See how she responds.

    In my case my husband sister will talk nicely to me. I will also do the same. And i also have the feeling that she is not like my mil. But most of the time she would gather some info from me and convey the same to her mother. My mil is irritating person where i purposefully keep things formal. So it ll end up with mil asking me y u do this that thing. My boy is innocent so u should only tak care. So i strted keeping away my from my sil also.
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    My SIL was no different from yours when she was just newly married. Reason being, a lot of problems and harsh talks between the 2 families just before, during, and immediately after their wedding.
    She was not accepted at first as a family member by my folks. Specially by my MOM.

    My mom had so many reasons, as she was highly influenced by a common family member who represented SIL's family during the initial marriage proposals.
    Then SIL's mom acted insane, which added fuel to the fire.
    SIL interpreted all these behavior differently; thus planned to run away with her H, by separating everyone from his circle. As in, she behaved just like your SIL initially.

    This continued till my bro sensed the foul smell in this; thus invited me to support.
    When confronted both my mom and SIL had so much venom against each other, which were in fact interpreted negatively with the influence of that common family member.
    It wasn't that difficult to smell the culprit; thus we cut all the ties with that common person.

    Since then, we started to forgive each other and move on. Mom being an adult started to accept SIL as a family member. SIL reciprocated. She was highly suspicious about us initially. But my bro gave her all the love and assurance by all means.
    Eg: Bro gave his pay ch to SIL (who is a house wife, and suspected whether Bro is financially supporting us/mom) and revealed all his income, loan, plans etc..etc.. in detail. He even involved her in the plans and decision making process in their life.
    He also told her as to how important his FOO to him, and what is the relationship he shares with us. Also our own strength, and why we don't depend on him.

    It took her another few months to really accept what her husband said was true. In the mean time, we understood her dilemma, and did not react to it.

    Now its been 2.5 years since they are married. SIL is just another sister to me, she is just another daughter to my mom. She is more than a close family member to all. My kids love her so much. Her kid likes to spend more time at our house.

    We often laugh at how we all behaved during that time.

    We still meet that common relative in family gathering, at Church etc... and show our closeness before her.

    So, assuming the differences in your bro's marriage as it was a love marriage, I know there must have been so many tiffs initially.
    You may have over looked your parents behavior, but it can still be a row issue for your SIL.
    Ask your mom to be little flexible with her. Let your mom to treat SIL as part of the family.

    Your SIL has come to live at your parents' family. So, be the good host, and accept her wholeheartedly. She will soon feel comfortable.
    I am sure she has her own reasons to behave like this. Understand this, and ask your bro to make initiatives to clear her.
    She will be all right soon.
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    OP....People are different,families are different They can't be compared.
    There can be many reasons why she is not as close to your parents and you .

    Your family did not approve of her and the match initially. It couldn't have been for a valid reason because your family did have a big fat wedding later. Rejecting some one for whatever reason can leave a scar that is difficult to fill .It will at least take some time. Considering that your brother is fine with her behavior probably shows he also carrying some bad taste from the family drama initially.Just guessing here.I could be completely wrong.

    May be she is just an introvert ?
    May be things are not so good between your parents and her.
    May be she is taking the 'avoid and ignore' approach to avoid confrontation.
    Maybe hurtful words were spoken and things have not been resolved.

    Don't compare her family life to yours because you both probably did not have same experience. Morover you both are different people and react differently to situations.

    Give her time and space.
     
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  9. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I would sincerely request you to concentrate on your own life. Nitty gritties like she not having tea with all, conveying everything through bro, etc., are perhaps your mom's heart burns which she may have discussed with you or else how would you know of all this? Please don't be so judgemental. You are older to your brother & SIL so please act like a one matured woman. Why do elder sisters suddenly become so concerned & over-protective when their younger brothers get married? Take a break! Rest assured that now a young woman has entered your FOO's life and trust her & god that she will run the household properly. These are only normal teething problems which are being blown out of proportion.

    I will give you my own example over here. I got married some 3.5 years back and now I'm separated from my husband. Though we had our mutual problems which were major but still I believe that me and DH could always find a way out. However, since my DH was working from home and my MIL was an insecure jealous widow and she despised my no-nonsense behavior, she left no stone unturned in poisoning my DH's mind & she would always cut a sorry figure in front of him. She did the same in front of my SIL who stayed in another city but would call MIL 5-6 times a day as the latter sounded very depressed.

    End result me & DH had innumerable fights with excessive interference from MIL for whom my DH had become overprotective to the point that he could forgo anybody , any relationship for the sake of his mother.My SIL would speak to her mother & brother but she never called me once to listen to my side of the story.
    Ultimately, I also got tired of explaining myself to the DH and this week, I have my first hearing of divorce.

    I hope you get my point!
     
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  10. nomad24

    nomad24 Senior IL'ite

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    Cheenu, I get your point. Yes, my parents have shared the issues with me. Sorry about what happened with you. Did you try to speak to your Sil openly by reaching out to her.

    There is a very thin line better interference and living together. Living in the same house and not bothering to even acknowledge that there is someone else in the family is bad behaviour. Always believe, it takes two to tango and developing hatred is no solution and infact a sign of insecurity. No doubt, she has come into my parents house and i have taken special care to ask my parents to make her comfortable and not interfere. But does marrying your son or brothers off mean parents dont have a say. I am married too and i dont treat my husband as my property or feel that my life with him is separate to that of my in laws.

    I feel the minute a wife tries to create a boundary and a circle to include only husband in it starts the issue.
     

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