1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Dowry is good or Bad

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Madhurima, Nov 8, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. JKAgrawal

    JKAgrawal Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    14
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Women give birth to children for their own happiness. They want to become mother. They do no sacrifice or favour to the husband or anybody else by giving birth to a child. If a man says to his wife - I do not want any child in my house so I will never make you a mother. What will happen after this, I do not need to write.
    A working wife is not much respite for the husband. She is normally financially as much dependent on her husband as her non-working counter-parts. She normally spends her money on herself, e.g., buying more jewelry, cosmetics, clothes for herself, spending money on her brothers, sisters and parents. I have seen many families in which husbands have taken home loan (30, 40, 50 lakhs) and are paying interest to the bank whereas their wives having good amounts lying idle in their bank accounts earning much lesser interest than the interest on the home loan. Neither the husbands nor the wives ever even imagine paying the loan from wife’s account to save on interest. A husband knows very well that if he did this, he will have to tolerate extreme insult and ridicule from the wife for whole of his life. Needless to say that the wives are staying in the same houses for which their husbands have taken loan.
    This is vague. What do you exactly mean by serving? Are you indicating towards some household work which she does for the sake of her husband and her in-laws? Then have this: Over time with improvements in the lifestyle of people and better economy, most household chores have vanished. Those which are left have been greatly simplified through technology. In today’s middle-class families, women have no such jobs as you say. A maid servant washes utensils and does sweeping. Washing of clothes is also done either by maid or fully-automatic washing machine. Ironing the clothes is got done from an outsider on payment. Today’s kitchens are tastefully decorated and are modular with many modern gadgets to simplify cooking with minimum effort. With gadgets like micro-wave oven, pressure cooker, electrically operated grinder/mixer and a refrigerator, it does not take more than one hour to prepare a full meal. If the husband is earning properly, many women in middle class families today even employ a cook and do not do cooking by themselves. Today’s women do not have any job at home except operating TV remote.

    When the Prevention of Domestic Violence Bill was passed in 2005, a helpline for husbands in distress started ringing continuously (DV Act 2005 is a very harsh and anti-men law. If a women complains under this law, the husband is immediately arrested without any investigation. If he is found innocent later on, he is let off.) Most husbands were complaining that their wives were asking them to throw their parents out of their house if they do not want a (false) complaint of domestic violence against them. This much for your idea of serving the parents of husband.
    This is a ritual which most women keep doing without any real meaning attached to it. A woman doing this does not mean that she loves, respects or values her husband. A most quarrelsome, ill-behaved, arrogant woman who makes her husband's life miserable also does these. Even a wife who may have illicit relations with another man also does this.

    Moreover, this is a superstition. It has no effect on the well-being of husband. Here I would like to tell you an interesting news item which I read in paper on the day next to last year's Karva Chauth. A wife was doing this fast. In the evening after moonrise, she went to the terrace along with her husband. Some ritual was to be done. By chance, her husband's foot slipped and he fell down from the terrace and died. Now, if the wife was not doing the fast, there was no need to go to the terrace and the accident would not have happened. So, what Karva Chauth did to the poor man? (Those who do not know about Karva Chauth, please Google it.)
    Same as above. Almost all women do this. Even most quarrelsome. This does not show their attachment to their husbands.
    Not correct. Our neighbours got their son married last year. Their daughter-in-law simply wastes everything available in the house. She throws away food, carelessly handles crockery breaking it often, leaves the water tap running, never switches off any light or fan. She runs AC on 15 degree centigrade in the months of May-June and when she feels cold, she does not switch off AC. Instead she takes over a blanket. A blanket in June! She wants to eat only dry fruits like almonds, cashew nuts, pistachio and imported fruits like Kiwi, strawberries, cherries. She does not eat banana since it comes cheap. Is she from a very rich family? By no means. Very ordinary. But after marriage, she wants to have a very high life style. She has absolutely no sense of belonging to their home. Why should she? She has got everything completely free, so she does not understand the value of anything.

    I found most women today with the similar behaviour, specially the ones who live with their in-laws in their in-laws' house where day-to-day expenses are being met by the in-laws.
    Marriage becomes commercial only when a man expects something from wife or her parents, but when women demand high salary of husband, choicest clothes, jewelry, all modern amenities of life etc. from her in-laws, it becomes spiritual.
     
    kollen likes this.
  2. samsWait

    samsWait Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    178
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    With an attitude like that Mr Agarwal please do not marry if you are not already married. Please spare the life of a woman. Please go ahead and please yourself do your own laundry and if at all you want kids adopt one and change his diapers work while he is crying and do all the stuff that a woman does on your own. But please do not marry.
    I understand if someone is needing some help during the initial days of marriage and asking for parents help but with a snobby and mysogynistic attitude as yours, even God cannot help you. There is no use trying to make sense with you. You are a brainwashed individual who needs strong detoxification.
     
  3. GoogleGlass

    GoogleGlass IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,711
    Likes Received:
    22,529
    Trophy Points:
    470
    Gender:
    Male
    did i say it was for men and not women??? read again.

    even a common message is looked at in your and only your view point - great going, keep going non-stop...

    you may have good points but your attitude defeats you and has.
     
  4. kollen

    kollen Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    44
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Male
    Interesting. You mean children before marriage? Haha.

    You are deviating from the topic.
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    @kollen.....Most self respecting people act that way. Earn ,save and buy their assets and not sponge and exploit their parents. Why not just sell her parents kidneys too.After all they can survive on one. Why not sell one and help the shameless children.

    Even vultures have the decency to wait for the person to die.Men like you and your social circles are worse than vultures.

    Thankfully most men and women have more self respect.
     
  6. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,448
    Likes Received:
    2,097
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Dowry is bad when it is demanded/forced and there are laws in place when it is abused against the weaker folks.

    It is nothing but an inheritance from the parents. As long as, it is given with parents blessings to the girl, why not, accept it and start a speedy life. When the girl is raised with higher life style, her parents are willingly giving to start/maintain the same life style.

    In my neighborhood (or community), money came from many generations of inheritance. All the siblings have equal part in it (only after it was mandated by law before that, girls didn't get much compared to their brother), why would leave it to one person because he is the male child? Most bring hefty money into their in-laws family and it gives upper hand, protection, prestige.

    BTW, we started our life paycheck to paycheck and slowly built our family from ground zero. The inheritance given to me didn't help me in abroad but, it was a safety net. It is still there back home as priced possession of my past and maintained by my family.

    P.s: Also, inheritance/money didn't come for free and it has certain tags attached to it. Absolutely, no love marriages, no mater what have to preserve family's honor....
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2016
  7. monkatpeace87

    monkatpeace87 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    68
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    I didn't want to write this but @JKAgrawal post on @yellowmango forced me to write this.

    Let me start by saying @JKAgrawal and @kollen stop whining like little nursery kids. U lost the discussion, u have no answer, damn guys are u 5 years old u are fighting like little kids and may I know where are ur manners?? Is this how u talk with a lady?? @JKAgrawal how did u accuse @yellowmango?? I found ur post highly offensive.
    OT - mods is there way to report offensive post

    Guys everybody has a right to their opinion but if urs differs from others u don't start abusing them. Respect the views of others.

    I would divide my reply in three parts

    First
    I would like to answer @JKAgrawal and @kollen . I read and went through all your post. I read ur views and opinions and I respectfully disagree. U guys have said that giving gifts and dowry is appropriate and it would make the life of newly Wed couple easier.
    Let go through a hypothetical situation
    @JKAgrawal marries a Mr. Sharma's daughter. No Mr Sharma has given ac, TV fridge, washing machine, motorcycle, and 10 Lakhs cash. The groom didn't ask for this but Mr Sharma gave of his own will as he is well off. All is well and good .
    Now Mr Sharma has two neighbors Mr Verma and Mr Singh. Mr Verma has a daughter but he is not economically well off. Mr Singh has a son and he is middle guy. Now during a party, Mr Sharma boast see I have given my daughter this much dowry. Now what this does is two things, now Mr Verma is mentally pressurized to give more dowry than Mr Sharma coz '' izzzat ka Sawal hai '' and he takes loans from bank and his miserable life starts from there. On the other hand Mr Singh is seeing gold in his eyes, he has already put a price of 20 lakh on his son and a car.
    Do u see how ur taking dowry has affected life of two girls. Now this multiplies by leaps and bounds and every body is demanding dowry. And u have made dowry a social evil. A small gift that u received started the saga.
    U have in ur post wrote that parents of daughters looks for a a well settled girl etc. I totally agree. U are 100% right. Now let me show u the other side. Orthodox boys parents to girls parents
    Does she knows how to cook??
    Does she sings??
    Does she dances???
    Is she fair???
    Is she tall??
    Hamare ladke ke sath Jodi kaise lagegi??
    Hame kali ladki nahi chahiye??
    Shadi ke baad kaam nahi karna
    And the list goes on
    U see the demand is on both side.
    Can u imagine how humiliating it is for the girl to be paraded like this umpteen no of times? Can u imagine her pain?? How she must be feeling??

    U have also said that daughters dont get their share in father's property. According to ipc if the father inherited the property, the daughter legally has share in the property. If the fathers property is self earned, it's the fathers wish if he wants to give or not. What u have got to do with that??
    Since u see marriage as a buisness, when u are ready for marriage u need to keep u views in front of ur future wife. Since u think wifes as burden u need to be clear with her that she needs to earn and contribute equally to the family. I think it's fair enough. But taking money from her parents I don't think it's worth it. There's a saying '' Bina mehnat ka paisa kisi ko hazam nahi hoti "

    Part two
    U see my gf and I have been going strong for 8 long years. U can say we are practically married. The thing is she earns a insane amount of money. If she were a boy, she would have line of girls waiting for her to marry them. It's really huge amount. But the thing is she doesn't want to work after marriage. She says she doesn't like it and is not cut out for that. She wants to be homemaker and look after the kids.
    Now going by ur logic I should break up with her and marry somebody else coz she will be financially dependent on me. And the thing is she doesn't likes to cook. She hates cooking, like oil hates water. So that's sacrilege in ur kind if I marry this girl. U are not understanding that in marriage their is no mine and urs. There's only us. My salary is our salary. My house is our house. My kids are our kids. Marriage is not a buisness, there are no profits or loss in marriage.

    Third part
    Now this part I want to write for @yellowmango and all the other house wifes who have the most thankless job in the whole world. What got on my nerves was when u picked up on @yellowmango. Is this how u treat ur woman?? Leave woman is this how u treat ur elders?? I was more ashamed than angry on reading reading ur post. I was in bad taste. @yellowmango has given her response but I think her response was not adequate.
    Since u used @yellowmango as a reference, I will to use her as a reference.
    Hypothetical story to come

    One fine day, 21 years ago @yellowmango gets married. Bam her life changes from here now on

    She is now a daughter - in - law and wife.

    1) Now wife has some "wifey" duties towards husband . And since I will presume u didn't find a wife to ur high standards u will go outside to fulfill ur urges. Now the per night rates are from 1000 to 3 Lakhs. And ya 3 Lakhs is not a typo. Ouch that's costly and above that the risk of STDs. But u have no other options.

    2) now when her husband comes home, his house ( as u think this the husbands house) is neat and clean. Believe me when I say clean girls love to keep their home spanking clean. Saying from personal experience. U sir on the other hand have to hire a housekeeper. Ouch, that will cost u money. Damn bro.

    3) parenthood- many people don't realize how risky being pregnant is. I have seen
    Woman with torn vaginas
    Woman fainting with pain
    Woman with torn uterus
    Woman dieing while delivering
    Seen that all. U know how excruciating labour pains are. To give u a reference if u put a gun to my head and say I have to deliver a baby, I will happily take the gun from ur hand and shoot myself. It's that painful. And just FYI she beared this pain for two times, that's two kids.
    On the other hand u want to become parent, but u need to hire a womb for that, sets u back by 20 lakhs ouch. But she has two so u robbed of 40lakhs. Ouch ouch. On top of that cost of the eggs is a different headache. Ouch ouch ouch.
    So u believe, ur headaches are over. Nada. U see till six months of age a baby should be fed on mothers milk exclusively. But damn u don't have a wife. So u go for formula feeds or cows milk. The thing is when u feed artificial feeds to a infant, he will be sick more than a breast feeding infant. More sick, more money. Damn man.
    Aaahhhhhh I forgot u need to hire a nanny but it comes for a price. Aaaaarrrrgghhhh.

    4) education - u now now days even preschool hai interviews. What!! Ya man sad times. So u a have to comes from office and teach ur child a for Apple, b for bat, c for cat or hire a tutor. Her husband comes home and her children are already at z for zebra. U getting the gist right.
    Fast forward few years, u come from office ur children say "papa homework Kara do" in case u don't hire a tutor whereas @yellowmango children have done there homework and her husband gets play time with his kids. Lucky guy I tell u.

    4) food - I love food. I worship food. The thing is I need food to be cooked to a very specific taste in short I love my mother's cooking. U see @yellowmango knows this things about her husband and she cooks exactly as he likes it. Her salary is, her husband will say " yaar aaj to khana bahut tasty bana hai" and I the similar lines and that's her salary. But u in the other hand have to make with cold roti and sabji and as the members of ur family increase the cook will say - " saab log baad gaye hai, pagar badao". Ouch. Have u ever heard a wife say that and on top of that dishes. That's another story let's not go there.
    So u see a humble housewife = a wife + a daughter in law + a mother + a housekeeper + a maid + a cook+ a teacher. Damn is she a woman or superwoman. If u crunch these no. ( the salary I mean) u will come to know her husband cannot afford @yellowmango. It's @yellowmango who has graced her husband's life through her presence.
    See my post was not to insult or condescend u. U need to understand that what u are telling forms a small part. In medicine we call it tunnel vision, u only see a small part of the larger picture.
    ALWAYS REMEMBER CHANGE BEGINS FROM U
     
  8. monkatpeace87

    monkatpeace87 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    68
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Just for my satisfaction can u clearly state ur arguments for "pitching in" by parents. And how u think we should do it. I just want to hear out ur argument. And if u don't know hindi thats none of my concern. Should I start writing in bengali my mother tongue?? And lastly why are u so angry about??
     
  9. kollen

    kollen Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    44
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Male
    How can you say I am angry when you have not heard me speak?

    You are going off-topic again.

    Re-read my posts again.
     
  10. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,354
    Likes Received:
    2,670
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    "pitching in" is done by people willingly and according to financial status...and it it done when actually there is need of financial help....and parents are in condition of helping financially...."pitching in" by parents is favor done by them...its not children's right...its stands for both , men's parents and women's parents....

    while asking for money at time of marriage considering woman as financial burden cant be considered as "pitching in"...

    if daughters and their husband want equal right in parent's property then they should be ready to take equal responsibilty of parents in old age....

    if son's parents spends on jewellery of bride and "pitch in" for settlement of couple then they enjoy services from their son and DIL in old age too(although not all son's parents help...my inlaws never even asked whether we need any help when we bought house...while my father asked but we denied)....why should women's parents "pitch in" then....??when marriage is statement of profit and loss then surely parents and child relationship should be measured in these terms too.....then what is the gain for women's parents???

    in working women cases i have yet to see a women who spend all her salary on herself....my all friends are working....working women earns too and does household work too...takes care of child too....her contribution becomes much more than husband than may be in that case boy's parents should give dowry to woman and her parents....
    her parents spent on her education and on her 2square meals but her inlaws gets benefitted instead of them so inlaws should compensate women's parents...
    if woman is not working and her parents had paid dowry , if her husband loses job or because of health condition not able to work than may be she should divorce her husband as then she would not be gaining anything in marriage....

    Fair arrangement is men and women both should earn and both should take responsibility of household work or may be household work can be ignored as it is easily done with the help of maids and modern appliances and not require much of effort hence it takes care of itself on its own....dowry has no place in the equation
     
    vrikshakadali and Rihana like this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page