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When Should We Speak Up?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by gg25, Jun 23, 2016.

  1. gg25

    gg25 New IL'ite

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    we grow up in an environment where we are taught to respect our elders. When we get married our families teach us to respect our in laws and not to speak up....grandmother always says use one ear to listen and other to let go. But we are 21 set century ladies. Should we not ever speak up? My in laws act a certain way when I am alone with them and a certain way when my husband is around. So I do not have my husband'S support for dealing with in laws. But I want to stand up for myself and not not speak up. Do you ladies out there, go through certain transformations that helped them to speak up as to say?
     
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  2. harinideep

    harinideep Gold IL'ite

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    In case of mil we should see their intentions. In your case , she wants you to complain about her to your mil. If you do so , there will be fights as he has seen only her good behiour.
    In this case , you too do same . behave differently in front of hubby.
    We need to stand up for ourselves when they illtreat . else they ll tortire more an more
     
    sindmani and shobhamma like this.
  3. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    First of all, always remember. One earns respect by giving respect first. If in laws do not respect you when you are along, they need to be corrected right away. If you wait for the right time to speak up, you have lots your stage and power. and then it ILs develop a nasty habit of treating you badly. They must treat you well- in front of your husband or when you are alone. Do not take nonsense from anyone just because you think it is rude to answer back. Of course if you are wrong or need suggestions for improvement, by all means, listen to the them. Hope it helps!
     
    sindmani, momsky and coffeecups like this.
  4. Lxcxxz

    Lxcxxz Senior IL'ite

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    ignore her in private but be overly attentive in front of family and dh. Never complain about anything she says to you in private, but if she's horrible in front of family/dh then raise it privately with him in a hurt way as if you just want her to treat you like a daughter. DH will soon take your side.
     
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  5. ravioli1970

    ravioli1970 Bronze IL'ite

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    yar yeh indian inlaws kyon apne beton ki shaadi karte hain!!
     
    sindmani, SimplelLife, gg25 and 2 others like this.
  6. kaveriudy

    kaveriudy Senior IL'ite

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    i wonder why indian parents become so orthodox once dil enters in the house . my mil does the same, she behaves badly when dh is away and changes her colors and talks nicely when dh is around. some incidents happened to me in past few months, just the way we see in daily soaps wow... she makes some dramas on daily basis. she just doesnt know how to live happy n let others live happily...
     
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  7. Lxcxxz

    Lxcxxz Senior IL'ite

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    I think most mils become a bit disillusioned when they finally get to know the girl who was bigged up til marriage by her family & discover their dil isn't superwoman but a real person with real faults a lot like their daughters! It's even worse if they perceive something in their dils that they view as superior to their daughters/other dils - for instance if they're slimmer, or prettier, or have a better job, or are more respectful - because it highlights their parenting in a negative light.

    For instance though overweight compared to my sil and cosil, I never ever raise my voice or curse. It's not a good or a bad thing I just don't react that way when angry & my mil has let it known in numerous petty ways that she's jealous because both my (India based) sil and cosil do. I'm also paler skinned in comparison to both & while I wasn't raised to view that in a negative/positive light, she constantly makes comments like 'well my daughter might not be as white as you but she's a better person etc etc'. I even had the fact that my hair hasn't yet gone grey thrown in my face!

    I will overlook and ignore any and all comments made to me personally (I take my frustrations out in the gym) but if she ever crosses the line and makes a scene publically then I will raise it immediately there and then no matter who else is there. If she disrespects me in front of others I ensure that she reaps what she sows.
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I think we should speak up from the very beginning. We all try to be goody goody dils and try our best to impress till we cannot hold up that standard any longer.We also stay quiet when unnecessary advice is thrown our way or taunts are directed at us till one fine day we explode.

    Simple and calm uttering like...."I will do the job" .and do it your way.
    "I like it Like this only"for things that do not concern other members of the family.
    "I find this comfortable "....
    "I want to do this ".
    "I want to rest"
    " I like to wake up late on weekends"
    "I can't do this job"
    "I don't want to do that"
    "I have plans for that day"....in a calm and respectful way from the beginning will keep expectations low keep your head also from exploding.
     
  9. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Make your decision and move on, learn to ignore her. Silence is a strong weapon, the unspoken words have more meaning than spilled words/arguments. Eventually, she will get the hint.
     
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  10. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    Dear op,
    I understand your situation well. Most of the Mil's are same. They behave different when you are alone than when you are with your dh. So it is unlikely that your dh will get to know. Even if he gets to know in future .. He may stand up for you or may not.. Now regarding your question.. Yes we need to speak up from the beginning. It is bieng' assertive' which many of us do not know how to... Instead of biend assertive many people resort to submissiveness or agressivness.. Which is not good.as yellow mango stated you be firm on what you like and how you are.
    One more thing even if you speak up dont expect the person to change or understand you.. Which hardly ever happens.. So next possible option will be to ignore her.

    Be assertive!! Good luck .. Hope this helps
     

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