Cheating By Husband

Please this is the place i have come for some support and help so please dont be rude to what i say. I need honest opinion

I will start from first. I am married since past 15 years and i have 3 kids. I have a very happy marriage or so i thought where emotionally and physically i was able to connect to my dh. I thought hes also very happy in this marriage as he gave no signs at all( except a few hiccups which i will discuss later) that he is not happy. We would have our disagreements or ups and downs but they would be solved within a day or two.
My dh is a very friendly kind of person and he would chat with friends, family friends (ladies) which i would not mind at all. As i know he has gal friends i did not wanted to rule over him and friendly banter was acceptable to me. One of the best habit of my dh is he tries to help everyone and many people (even gals) come to him to solve their marriage problems.
3-4 years after marriage i caught him seeing **** on net. Even though i knew men indulge in this i did not like it. and i clearly told him that.
around 3 years back i caught him chatting with a girl on facebook where he would use endearments like sweetheart, darling, baby etc. i asked him y he uses and he said that he uses with everyone and he showed me chats with lot of other girls even his sisters where he uses such words. he said its his habit.
I want to know is this normal.
anyway with that girl on facebook after chatting for a time he asked her if there is virtual sex bec he is feeling hot. the girl asked y so he said that his wife is out of town from 10 days when i was in the next room and we had just 2 days before.
there was a big drama in the house. i ranted i screamed and i said that u do this again i will tell ur whole family and leave the kids and go.
after 3 days he had a big fall where he had to be hospitalized and he literelly cried in front of me to not leave him.
after that i had an eye on his email chats, facebook, phone chats etc and for a year atleast everything was normal.

now 10 days back i saw a chat with his best friends (childhood friend) wife which happened in January (almost 4 months back) where he is literally having full sex with her on chat. his friend and wife were having marital problems since past 3-4 years and i know he talks to her sometimes when they have fights. talks to friend and wife. i knew they had physical problem but did not know the extent of it. as they stay in another country we have met 3-4 times in our full marriage but never there was anything going on. in fact he would treat her like a sister and she would like a big brother.
i know he would talk to her on the phone once in 3-4 months but mostly it would be in front of me. so i dont understand when and where did sexual chat come in picture.
when i ask him he says i dont know how it happend.
now in his words where i dont have any proof of it. once or twice some months back she had initiated it like i m hot, i m wet where r u. why ur not chatting with me. so he cut her and told pls dont talk to me like that and he stopped talking to her and also explained to her husband indirectly but after few months she would be like im feeling naughty where r u.
the chat what i got is of full sex where after it happened she said that i wud not like anyone to talk to my dh like this and i m stopping all contact with u.
he was like theres nothing wrong we did and it was not physical. she blocked him but for 4 months he was asking her to talk to her at least and be just friends.
he was calling her 3-4 times but it went on voice mail and he was smsing her.
i got all this thru phone records.
of course after i confronted him and told his sister who he takes as his mother and will never go against her. but his sister was maybe u did something and my bro will not do anything like this. after when i showed her a few she blasted him and supported me of course but i dont know whether to trust him or not. hes taken sisters promise that this was a one time it happened and before it never happened bet them and he would only chat with her when she had a problem. now he confessed to me that she would talk everything what happened in the bedroom with her dh and her dh had sexual problems and i am so devastated that he never bothered to inform me but he tells me that he did not wanted his friends problems to be out. i know till a year back there were no such chats as i used to check this mobile or else he had deleted.

pls help me i dont know what to do. even though its not physical i can see them doing it. and its driving me crazy.
sorry for the long thread

 

iamagoodgirl in real life if i would tell this to anyone they wud laugh at me or say im telling lies. not only his side but even my parents, my friends bec hes such a gentleman with them. except this incident he really shows that he respects women. i know him since 16 yrs.
can men be two faced.
and can this be true when he says that hes gone blank when this happened. he does not know how it did.
can anyone in similar situation help me
i m planning to confront the other lady if this happened more than once and whether they had an emotional affair or not. do u think its worth talking to her in a calm manner.

pls advice

 

To answer your first question - is it normal to use endearments (darling, baby, sweetheart etc) when chatting with other women he is not related as a brother to : NO. It's inappropriate. I might have had a different opinion if he was the type who used such words casually on a regular basis while talking to women in public.

he does use these words in public also but not much. even when hes not flirting and just talking to clients, suppliers or his ex classmates he uses such words and i have seen such chats where its clear hes not flirting.
so i wanted to know if this is normal. bec for me i wudnt use such words normally with anyone. maybe i m old fashioned.

But it doesnt appear to be the case as you might not be asking if that's the case. And just going by your husband's trackrecord, I just get a feeling that he's flirting with other women.

And I won't buy that nonsense of him pleading innocence of not knowing how he ended up chatting with his friend's wife. He knew exactly what he was doing and either he was careless or didnt care if you found out or probably even wanted you to find out.

sorry maybe i m stupid but why would he wants me to find out something like this. i dont understand

Basically looks like every 3-4 yrs you're stumbling upon new stuff he's upto. First the ****. Then he's been caught sex chatting with a woman and you warned him, and he promised he's reform. He breaks that promise and he's caught sex chatting again with a different woman.

so going forward, assuming you don't find any more evidence of any such chats, what wld the likely reason be ?
1. He really has reformed (doubtful)
2. He has gotten better at hiding things from you (eg: secret number, new fb profile saved for such chats etc.)

is this possible. how can i find out in future.

You need peace of mind knowing that nothing is going on behind your back and that you don't have to have an eye out all the time digging for evidence.

I think a serious talk is in order what's acceptable and not, to make sure he wont be repeating such things. Continue to keep the evidence you've got. And I dont know your situation in life - do think over what are your options are if he continues this or takes this to the next level ? Is leaving even a real possibility ? No point in issuing threats if in reality you just cannot act on them.

Last, if I were you (and don't consider this bit as advise), I would have contacted my husband's friend and let him know this is going on. I will probably leave my husband to face the embarrassment and any collateral damage. Once he realizes the drastic outcomes he may be more careful about messing around. I don't believe in going soft on serious issues like this. But that's just me.

So far maybe the saving grace is that no actual physical intimacy has been going on behind your back. But you'd want to take action now to establish some rules before it escalates further.

regd contacting the dh friend i wud have done that long ago but for two reasons
1.already since past many years they have lots of problems in their marriage - not only physical but inlaws interference, wife not listening to her husband on many issues, money problems etc etc. As you know very well a wife will still forgive her husband but a husbands ego is very big. he will never do that. so i dont want to become a cause for their divorce.
2. i dont have actual evidence of the whole chat. when i saw the chat i started literally shivering. and had to talk to my dh. maybe i became too emotional and cud not see the whole picture. when i confronted him and i did in front of his elder sis he admitted but in front of her he deleted the whole thing.
so without evidence i cant speak to his friend bec why would he believe us.

i m thinking of talking to friends wife bec we r family friends and at one time we wud get along very well.
what do u think. is it a good idea to get her version of story bec hes blaming her completely and she came on him. pls advise

 

so many views and no replies

 

needhelp pls talk to me i have messaged you i m going mad