I Suspect My Husband Is Gay.

@Shreema86
Do you have children? How long have been married.
I wrote a reply 3 times since morning and didn't post.
It was:
I have similar doubts in my decade old marriage, but have decided that I won't leave.

 

@snehalJoshi

You wrote something, no one was ready to accept even on anonymous forum.

 

Such a wonderful woman you are, your thoughts and values you hold on reflects your quality. May be a last attempt, for all your goodness and commitment, the least he can do is to make an attempt with the help of s*x toys and with a sense of love. Is there a way to communicate this to him, either directly or counselling. Making use of such toys is not uncommon even among sexually normal couples, it is already getting in to Indian homes as well. Sorry if I have offended you with this suggestion.

 

Dear OP,
First & foremost, please don't bring your DD in here. I mean let her not become the reason for your lifelong decision. You should derive strength out of her. The most important thing is that "SEXLESS MARRIAGE" is always at the back of your mind so if you have decided to stay put, plan it in such a way that this thought doesn't hammer you time & again. Like, you must must keep yourself very occupied. Put your heart & soul into whatever you do. I know it is easier said than done but I'm exactly in a similar situation except for the fact that I have firmly decided to call off my marriage and now staying with my parents. I wake up early and go to gym, return pack my breakfast & lunch and head towards office. There are days when I feel totally unconnected and don't want to go to office but still I push myself by listening to my favorite songs in the metro. I keep looking for small small motivators to keep me going because if I stay at home with parents, it is even more dreadful because inevitably, we end up discussing the same things over & over again. I return by 7 in the evening, play with my nephew, chat with my dadi, do some path, help bhabhi in kitchen and hit my bed at 10:30. I completely isolate myself from the digital world the moment I switch off the lights. I have blocked my DH & his family from my whatsapp/FB for the reason that when they all were there, every now and then I would be checking their last seen/status/profile pictures etc. which was making things extremely difficult. Remember that even your blood relations can mourn/cry/empathize with you but it is YOU AND ONLY YOU who is having a very hard time however, tell yourself when you feel gloomy that this is a phase. In your case, now that you have decided to stay put in this marriage, keep yourself busy. Try to have normal relationship with DH. Do some skill upgradation to push your career, learn some skills like driving, some sports etc.

 

Almost 6 years . Don't have kids , I am actually happy to be child free . That's one reason I am still sticking to this marriage .but yes it's a very bizarre situation to be in such a marriage. I have no concept of what a normal marriage is at all. But husband treats me so well to over compensate his deficiencies that I would be very guilty and conflicted to leave him although I feel eventually one day I will. Thankfully nothing to hold me back except my own will.

 

After reading OP ordeal, I got more puzzles to solve by my-self.

1. Love marriage, knew for 5-6 years & she even not noticed strange behaviour. She expected him to at least hold her hand but he treated her like little sister!!! So where was love?

2. Normally boys are more into sexual things (Indian Perspective) but it never occurred to her during these period that this guy is not normal or there was no love or in after thought he marries to girl whom he was treating like sis???

3. There must be some period between engagement & marriage, once they decided to tie a knot, even she didn’t notice his behaviour. People going to marry do talk / do naughty things, Isn’t it??

4. Young generation girls are not afraid to show her love even in public now a days, I see very often girls stealing kisses in full public view. Didn’t you thought of trying it, if not kiss that at least holding hand??

Now if he is able to make you mother of child, than whatever you say about his impotency, no one going to believe or else you will be wrongly judge. You can’t even apply for divorce on the basis of it.

He watch movies late night & clear browsing history, why? If he is watching normal movies than clearing history, a suspect behaviour. Why don’t you ask him to watch together?

There are asexual people, and more now a days because of their life style but due to social stigma, they refuse to believe which unfortunately they know.

I really feel sorry for you and simply can’t suggest. Staying single is better than live with DH as he is good Dad. May try to peruse him to see sexologist (Genuine one) which will be hard for an Indian men but no harm in trying. Best of luck

 

Self imposed celibacy is possible.
I am writing below as serious discussion, no offence:

Gandhiji called his wife mother, as moment to mark his celibacy. From then on, his wife continued to go with him on all his trips and care for him, but didn't share bed. He went on to great heights, but his own children suffered in absence of typical family. His wife might have done what she did because of love or because what else she could have done in her time and age.

Mother Teresa was celibate, so are many nuns who devote themselves to the service of god and people.

Not that we are nuns or Gandhiji, but in all families, we had people who would decide to be celibate.

Indian culture is full of people who took oath of celibacy, brahmachari. It can be done, because human sexuality is use it or loose it, kind of thing, especially for women.

You have to find a different way to spend your energy: work, office, community..
People around you might think that something is off, like if they laughing at naughty joke at office- you won't be able to laugh, and people will think she is different, but you do not have to talk about it or tell anyone, you do not owe them your secrets. And it is a small secret to keep.

Good luck.

 

You know we all have noticed strange behaviour but then as part of our great indian upbringing we are made to feel that these boys are really the decent types.I have heard of gays/lesbians/asexuals before marriage but nothing will prepare you to accept that your husband might be one of those. Probably a girl growing up in a conservative indian setup will be able to understand what had happened and why , even when it is a love marriage.

 

@snehalJoshi There are several women who are going through something similar - with timeframe ranging from 1 year to a decade. You can look up my own posts/threads to known my experience which is similar to yours (except not a love marriage, no kids).

There was one thread, with a IL user's story similar to yours - look this up
- DH. Physcial Intimacy etc.

I am pointing at these resources, to help you & possible other women understand that you/they are not alone in your membership in this unfortunate group. I suffered alone for the longest time because I had no idea about these things and did not know of anyone in my immediate social circle who i could discuss with.

One thing I want to call out specifically - ASEXUALITY is different from Low Libido. Asexuality is an inbuilt sexual orientation (just like hetero/homo) and has nothing to do with hormonal imbalances. LOW LIBIDO is a condition that is the result of imbalances in the body (hormonal) and pituitary related issues. I.E the man in question may have been "normal" at some point. Only a medical professional and a complete medical checkup can diagnose which of the two issues it is. Please do not confuse the two.

Just summarizing my own experience and that of several IL members here and also other women's experiences that i've known elsewhere. It's so eerie that our experiences are so similar that I thought I must share just to help other women know and feel that they are not crazy for doubting that something's off, something's wrong in their marriage or relationship and that their gut instinct is right.

Common refrain in terms of symptoms of the husband are as follows
- Even prior to husband Husband shows signs and symptoms of behavior that is different from the norm - i.e lack of interest in talking over the phone, does not initiate meetings or show overt interest in his fiance (appears gentlemanly to the point of being a prude), absence of sexual interest, absence of touching, holding hands, kissing or indulging in flirtatious behavior etc. This behavior is often mistaken by others as being a "sanskari", decent indian guy. There is a fine line between acting your age (for men of today's generation) and acting out of disciplined restraint.
- After marriage, unable to consummate or if able to consummate, sustained erection issues
- Great husband otherwise, helps around the home in cooking and cleaning, gives the woman freedom and space
- Sometimes obsessive about cleaning
- Sustained lack of initiative towards sex or sexual behavior (making out etc)
- In some cases dislikes kissing, cuddling etc
- Does not miss sexual contact and makes the woman feel that she is making a mountain out of a molehill of sexless issue.
- Refuses to consult doctor or even if he consults, after sometime refuses to acknowledge the issue seriously.
- Even if acknowledging the issue, fails to tackle the problem to the satisfaction of spouse
- No faith in counselling and drops out eventually if at all started
- Limited social network or even complete absence of group of male friends that he hangs out with
- Depressive thinking
- Has no qualms in sleeping separate from spouse, in a different room for whatever reason (weather, mattress comfort etc)
- Feels insulted and gets combative when spouse prods the husband on health matters (common for most men i suppose)
- May act stingy and touchy about money matters, his parents etc. Does not lavish his wife with romantic presents, gifts etc. This may be a side effect from the complete absence of the sexual aspect of the marriage
- Blame the woman for the problem and switches cause and effect - i.e he claims that does not initiate because she is aggressive i.e argues with him, she has put on weight, said something that hurts ego etc. In reality, the fights may be the result of the sexless-ness of the marriage and not the other way around.

Typical experiences of women married to such women are
- Depression
- Initial retaliation and then slowly passive acceptance due to habitual conditioning to such a life.
- Conflicted between leaving a man who is otherwise a good person who shares housework and is a polite individual
- Attachment develops, even though non-sexual, from continued cohabitation with husband in spite of lack of sex.
- May choose to have children due to advancing age, but dont
- Go through cycles of calm acceptance and then followed by an explosion that is triggered by a seemingly unrelated incident. Following the explosion and perhaps with words of assurance from their husbands, they again revert to wait and watch, trying to keep themselves happy with status-quo and seeing the better aspects of their husband's personality. But unable to avoid the obvious.

So what's the way forward ?
- Get your husband to get blood work done and test for hypothyroidism, low testosterone issues
- Meet with a counsellor either individually or with husband
- Assess options and don't blame or delude yourself that you (wife) is the problem or you are imagining things (which husband may want you to believe). There is a genuine problem and it isn't the woman's fault in such cases.
- Despite all the counselling you may get - there are ONLY TWO choices - Either LIVE WITH THE PROBLEM, accept husband as he is, do not develop hope that anything will improve. OR DIVORCE.