'Attending' Problems

My heartfelt sympathies, Agatha, at your having to deal with these attendants. It certainly can't be easy. It was due to these very issues that prevented me from looking after mom at home during her last days - something that still kills me, but when I read of such stuff, I know it could not have been otherwise.

 

Dear Agatha,

It is very painful to hear what you had to go through to keep your mom's medical attendants. I see these wonderful ads for a company in Facebook and other places talking about how well they look after the needs of the patients. But the experiences of people like you appear to be different.

I have my mother who is at present 85 years old. She has an attendant who finishes her work in less than 30 minutes on arrival and spends most of the time either on her mobile phone, collecting ration for her home, sleeping, etc. In order to keep her motivated I was sending her money from here in addition to what the agency was paying as she had a young daughter going to college. Frankly, none of that worked. However, my mother is okay with her as anyone else who comes as an alternative to her are unmanageable.

Living in the US, I can't personally attend to her. My brother who retired 5 years ago moved into my parent's property made luxurious modification to the house to make himself and his wife comfortable at home but my mother's room still looks so depleted. The air-conditioner I bought for her is still in the upper floor when she was moved to the ground floor. I bought her a hospital bed, wheel chair and other facilities and other than the bed, nothing else is put to use. I arranged a physiotherapist to make her arms and legs feel more active. I paid 6 months advance payment to this physiotherapist. Within 15 days, my brother and sister-in-law stopped him. She has not been visited by a physician for the past 5 years.

My brother still works and is comfortably occupying my parent's place. My SIL not even talk to my mother for years. My mother gets handsome monthly pension, bulk payment deposited in the bank as retirement benefit for the services rendered by my father besides deposits left behind and currently managed by my brother. My mother stays alone all night despite all these income she gets.

I got very angry in 2011 and had a big fight with my brother and told him that he was treating mother very badly. He told me, "this is the best I can do and if you like to look after her better, please take her wherever you want". He said that in front of my mother. I told my mom, "I will look after you for the rest of your life. I will provide you 3 attendants round the clock and call you twice every day. If required, I will ask my wife and mother-in-law to move to Chennai to look after you while I reside in the US to support my son, all paid by me leaving all her wealth in tact". She replied, "I can't move away from my elder son (we are just two brothers)". Perhaps, she was scared if she took that drastic action, he might not attend and perform her rites if something were to happen to her. I didn't say anything to her but I was very upset with her sentiments.

Because of this situation, I have been told not to interfere with anything that happens in Chennai. My brother refuses if I arrange anything for my mother nor he accepts any money from me. He is also not looking after her very well using the funds available in her name. I am allowed only to visit her whenever I go to India. I know my mother is hurting but she stands solidly behind my brother. I feel very helpless. No one other than my brother visits her room even though everyone in my brother's family lives under the same roof. My mother is born with so many brothers and sisters and even they are afraid of visiting the house. My mother is even afraid of calling them and if she accidentally complains about her health, my brother gives her mouthful. Even I can talk to her only at certain times and her mobile phone is switched off most of the time. Most of her brothers and sisters are complaining about her mobile phone being switched off most of the time.

Some suggested that I should report the matter to the cops and release my mother from the clutches of my brother. But If I do such drastic actions, it would pain my mother more than her present health condition. I have no option but to pray for her welfare everyday.

My apologies for burdening you with issues faced by me. I am very glad you are looking after your mother very well with great attitude despite all that happens around you and let the Lord shower you with a lot of grace.

Viswa

 

Dear Agatha,
The snippet written by you and the response from Viswa are true pictures of what is really happening in Chennai in almost all the houses.The attendants charge Rs500 per day and enjoy at our home.You can't open your mouth for fear of being left without attendant for a few days.
My brother-in-law was more than 92 and they engaged a maid.Silently she noticed where my akka would keep her diamond ear rings and mookkuthis while taking oil bath.They were kept in a small box and placed inside the toor dhal dubba unseen by anybody.One Friday after lunch was over, my akka wanted to wear the studs and nose rings.To her dismay, only the dubba was there and not the contents.With cell phone in hand she called her husband and gave away the jewels while my sister was still taking bath.The attender lady made a sathyam by putting out a karppora flame to prove her innocence.My sister's son didn't want to inform police.The jewels were lost for ever.On many days the patient was lying with excretions getting dried on his back with nobody to attend to.
That is why Anaayaasa maranam is the wish of everyone but only a handful are blessed with .With so much of medical advancement the longevity has increased but the ultimate sufferings have to be gone through.

When such is the case in our own homes with someone to supervise, we can imagine the position of senior citizen patients left at the care of old age homes.Even the costliest homes who guarantee 24 hrs attendance by nurses/attendants are simply stinking.The attenders clean the patients only twice at 8A, M and 8 P. M.Intermediary urine/bowel excretions are left uncleaned.What a pity!

Reg pressure cooker now a days more incidents happen.Of course that is safety measure to release the excess pressure built.This Shivarathri day I had no cooking business and was greatly relieved.But the green dhal kept in the cooker for neivedyam became the culprit.The pressure was released the weight and the lid reached the ceiling making wonderful paintings. The entire kitchen, cooking platform were smeared with uncooked dal, making the worst possible mess.It took nearly an hour to bring back to normalcy.Fortunately I was just away ;Otherwise I would have had burnt injuries on my face.
We live with problems and get consolation by sharing our experience with the forum members.

Jayasala 42

 

Agatha,

I firstly, appreciate the care you are taking for your mother. It is such pity that the attenders are not doing their job properly inspite of being under your supervision. Moreover you have rightly pointed out that the attenders just want to relax and earn. Such is the state of affairs that there is no perfect attendant available nowadays.

I wonder about how there is going to be any solution for these, especially as many people move overseas nowadays and has become impracticable to bring parents overseas. It is a concern for myself, when I am thinking of my aged parents.

Viswa Sir's sorrowful situation is depressing to read. Loneliness is a disease by itself.

Even own sons/ daughters are being rude, hurtful, resent and abuse their parents when they are in need of their attention. Where has all the humanity gone? I became aware of a situation where the daughter who was looking after her mother ( dementic and bed ridden) with the help of a servant maid for daily chores, but was bad mouthing her mother day in and out. Finance was provided by the son who was overseas, but the DIL was in a different city and did not want to look after her MIL. But within few years the mother became bed ridden and was reduced to a mere skeleton, with her own daughter cursing her mother with what not words. Her kids have grown up economically and gone overseas much to her happiness and she lost all her compassion as she wanted to go overseas to help her sons and felt her mother as a hindrance. Finally the old lady succumbed and now they are relieved and so too the soul of that mother. All these words even if dementic ( not sure how much the mother understood) is hurtful and uttered with her father around as well. Poor father who is at the moment being independent had felt that he should never have to become bed ridden, otherwise had to endure the same ill treatment. But that is beyond our control and with the attendent problems and poor old age home maintenance, there is less hope seen for aging parents and their ensuing problems.

Thanks for the thought provoking thread.
Vaidehi

 

Dear Agatha,

I feel sorry for your mother and the situation you are in.

It is very pathetic for old people. MY dad who is 84 stays with me. If he gets even a cold i dread it as I dont want him to be in bed. It is so difficult to get servants and a nurse to take care of them and we ourselves do not have the strength to take care of them.

I hear of so many nasty things that these maids do to the old people. I hear some of them even beat the old ones in their care.

Talking about homes is another part, even if they are well taken care of, our hearts would not permit us to leave them there.

Regards
Uma