Relationship with spouse after cheating

pandu1 · Sep 12, 2015

Around 2 months back I found out that my husband is cheating on me. my heart was broken down for few days and he said sorry and told he has cut all the contacts with her(she lives in different country) and it was only through chatting not physical contact. He promised on my kids that there is no physical relationship not even hug or kiss. I feel he is feeling guilty and doesn’t want to do any more like that..
This was started when I went to India for couple of months…he mentioned they started with casual chatting and she likes him and started chatting with romance and he kind of enjoyed that.. that even though he felt guilty and wanted to cut down multiple time he couldn’t(don’t know why? I don’t understand)
The problem now is I just want to move on with him as he is really good father and husband, although we had some issue regarding the IL’s I never felt that he is bad , he always loved me and still loves me.. but the thing is I just cant forget that he was in emotional relationship with somebody when I blindly trsuted him loved him so much.. and for example in a single day when I am with him.. I am behaving ok with him as nothing have happened but immediately after some time I just think of that girl and chatting and just go away from him and don’t want to talk to him.. we went for vacation also and still the same thing with me .. but I know I still loves him but the feeling of got cheated is not leaving me and I am sometimes arguing with him again why he did that to me (actually I don’t want to do it again and again) and when I argued him he just keeps quiet and it just happened like that and he says what should I do now
He gave me all his pwd’s for emails , phone and laptop and mostly he wont do it again . He wants to make me happy all the time but some how I still kepp thinking abt it and asking him same questions(feel like nagging him) . Do I need to go to any counselling to forget abt it and move on…
I feel positive sometimes because when I read few conversation of their chatting, in that I strongly feel that she is initiating more romance than him and expecting the same from him… for example.. she sent ILU and HUG u symbols and wished that my husband is with her.. but for that chat my husband did not reply anything. And immediately she wants to exchange the gifts.. for that first my husband said no.. but she asked again and sent the links which she wants buy and which she needs from him.. then he said we will see later…
And in one instance when she was here for onsite and my husband needed a ride.. and she offered ride from airport but he refused it and said he will go with cousin and ignored her. they did not go for lunch or dinner separately when she was here. However they had lunch together when they were just collegues and nothing was there between them.
I know that he is Gem in office and he has good reputation and so many people told me that he is very good. He is good looking and handsome too. Because of that I feel she might have attracted to him and started chatting. But he should have said no to her which he did not do which makes me crazy .

And regarding the negatives:
Why he started it in the first place when he is loving father and husband, even if I feel may be in one week moment he might have chatted to her with romance but why he did not end it before I come to know abt it. Is he enjoying her chatting that much than his wife? . In one instance … she said it is very cold but my husband ignored it and talked something else and he repeated the same twice and then he said “warm me” .
He said once or twice he might have said LUV to her and chatted romantically/sexually.. But how could he do that….

i just want to move on with him happily but because of my thoughts it is not happening.. please help me

ChennaiExpress · Sep 12, 2015

pandu1 said: ↑

i just want to move on with him happily but because of my thoughts it is not happening.. please help me
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You are blaming yourself for your husband's actions?

Your husband should prove himself to you.

He can give your usernames and passwords, but how can you be sure he didn't create new account? Unless you seize his computer equipment and do computer forensics, which isn't an easy feat.

It's your husband's fault, and he's not doing enough to reassure you
1. the root cause of him getting tempted
2. that he removed the root cause

Otherwise, why are you writing this post if your husband was behaving like a husband?

Your husband has no one to blame but himself.

If the woman is pressuring him, most probably because of $$$, i.e. "me pretty, give me"

If you feel in your heart your husband is not sorry (of course, he is sorry he got caught), then you should think of separation or divorce.

You want to teach your son that this behavior is ok, and that his wife will take any of his s###?

And of course, there is always the behavior of introspect, of loving yourself more than your husband, but this person sounds like a sorry excuse for a human.

All the best dear.

But do remember one thing. If the roles were reversed, I seriously doubt your handsome and successful husband would hesitate to divorce. As a matter of fact, your post title would say "Sorry for affair, wonderful husband seeking divorce"

Males are more self-assured than females (making them seem more attractive and successful than they really are), hence we have indusladies, not indusgents.

msindu · Sep 12, 2015

request him to give all social website passwords and monitor him that will clear your doubts. take it easy now and find ways for you to be more together. let him know that you will literally destroy him if he repeats the same

Laks09 · Sep 12, 2015

@pandu1 - Be cautious. I heard something recently from my dh that made my skin crawl. What if there are other email ids, social profiles, disposable cells etc that you don't know about? How are you so sure that they never had anything beyond what you sawing the chat account he showed you? These are probably the thoughts you have that make you look at this again.
you are nagging him and taking it out on him? That's because you are still not over it in your head. If he says what should I do, ask him what would he have required
of you if you did exactly this. If you don't know, say so. I don't know what you can do to make it all go away but I need time and I'm angry which I have a right to be.

Don't be in a hurry to forgive and move on. He needs to prove himself to you. Tell him it
will take time and you don't know when you will get out of this. Take your time
to sort through your feelings. Try some counselling. It may help sort through your confusions.
Let the burden of proving himself be on him like @chennaiexpress pointed out. You be cautious.
You are right in saying that the lady may have been attracted to a good looking guy with great work ethics but he shouldn't have strayed. HR won't look at all that if this girl goes and complains to them and she has the chats as proof. He is at a risk of losing his job if she decides to go after him with a vendetta. They are colleagues right?

Btw, how did you find out about this?

Akanksha1982 · Sep 12, 2015

Do you have chronological logs of chats or there are missing dates/conversation? From the chats that you described, it sounds like he is avoiding her but latter you have mentioned that he admitted to having conversed romantically/sexually with her. So have u seen those chats?

Remember that now he will say do whatever since his caught.

Ask him to move to a different group/company. At least that will limit the interaction. Also tell him that he may get into trouble with HR. In the meantime, give him silent treatment and stay away from him. Let him realize his mistake and consequences.

I don't think beyond that you can do much about it. if he wants to cheat, he will find ways of doing so.

pear · Sep 12, 2015

Dear op,

You are in a difficult situation of wanting to believe where there is no faith.Its better to lower your expectation of certain quality from your dh.........like same kind of intense love you thought he had for you.There is a proverb in tamil "A broken rice can not be united without a trace of its breakage.".So learn to accept the reality and your limitation of again not able to trust him 100% .This is half the battle won.Its sad that your quality of your love life had to go down and you no longer could trust your dh with same purity.If you still wanted to give your dh a second chance and wanted him in your life in the capacity of kids dad ,you had to find your own peace.Stop yourself from reading the chats again and again ...........it would simply drive you mad .....no use drowning yourself with more misery. Realize that you cant make yourself have more faith in your dh by monitoring him.Faith is going to take some time to regrow,so instead of feeling stressed concentrating in your relationship with dh.....divert yourself away from him to other things in life.Prepare yourselves financially to face separation if you couldnt forgive him.

Prayers to you dear.

catwalk · Sep 12, 2015

Human mind is grey. There is no absolute white or black.
You must forget about it and move on..

yellowmango · Sep 12, 2015

Two months is too early to forget a broken trust and heart break.

Salaswathi · Sep 12, 2015

Do not nag, argue or fight. You are already at an impasse. You have to believe, and be at peace.

Think of the unfortunate wives living with husbands that are not at all attractive, or clever in chats, the guys that nobody notices, and everybody avoids.

Laks09 · Sep 13, 2015

Salaswathi said: ↑

Think of the unfortunate wives living with husbands that are not at all attractive, or clever in chats, the guys that nobody notices, and everybody avoids.
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I don't understand this? How are all those peripheral qualities, which are not even important but just frills going to help OP justify the guy's cheating? what if all of those wives actually have committed husbands who care and love them? Sorry to say but love, trust and respect trumps every quality you have mentioned in your post.