Be fat avoid fatality

Dieticians and doctors will tell you that having too much of weight to throw around is not a good thing. I believed them once and shed tons to acquire my present lean and mean look. But now I am having second thoughts about it. Thank you Indrani Mukherjea.

As an ex-fatso I have always looked condescendingly upon the huge balls of flesh that roll towards me when I go for a walk in the park. .Now I view them with awe and respect and the Sheena Bora murder case is solely responsible for my change of attitude.

Now what on earth do Sheena and Indrani got to do with obesity? It has got everything to do with suitcases
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Please don’t think of lynching me because of the way I am making you pull your hair as if there wasn’t enough hair pulling over the Sheena Murder case with investigators already racking their brains over who is who in the case. Who is whose father,daughter, step father, step mother ,step step father (step mother’s husband who is not a stepson’s father. There are a whole lot of steps in this case.).

Okay, let me try and make things clearer for you. Let us start with suitcases, shall we? Suitcases have never, never just been innocent boxes in which you carried your essentials when you travelled. They have always had a sinister connotation.

“To hand over a suitcase” meant handing over a huge amount of cash in bribe to a politician’s minion for a favour or two from his boss. No point in asking why the hell can’t we bribe people through cheque or credit cards. These guys are too old fashioned to accept it. May be for a truly bigshot minister or two you can arrange a bank transfer to some account in Switzerland, Liechtenstein or Cayman Islands but otherwise it was always the suitcase.


Similarly, in the Mumbai underworld parlance extortion money was always measured in terms of suitcases. “Ek peti” (one suitcase) meant Rs one crore.

The reputation of the suitcase has gone for one more big toss thanks to the Sheena murder case. After Sheena was bumped off allegedly by her mother Indrani and mom’s ex-husband, her body was packed in a suitcase before being burnt in the densely forested Raigadh area of Maharashtra. This shows that the killers were not dense because they chose an area dense with greenery
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Patience dear, reader I can now hear the grinding of your teeth, we are finally coming to the point. If you had seen Sheena’s photographs, you would have found a svelte figure, almost size zero. Such a figure is a cordial invitation for being packed into a suitcase dead as a dodo.

Now let us go to the gigantic fleshballs I encounter during my morning walk. Can you even think of packing them into a suitcase? Certainly not, not even in the sweetest of your dreams. Even one single limb of these worthies won’t fit into a suitcase, you can forget about the body.

Also Sheena was strangled . To strangle someone you have to find their neck. It was quite easy in case of the trim n’ slim Sheena. Try strangling a Sumo wrestler instead. To paraphrase Shahrukh Khan’s dialogue from Don “Mushkil nahin, namumkeen hai (Not just difficult but impossible) for the simple reason the neck is invisible here. It is as if the head is fused over the shoulders without the intermediary of the neck.

Sheena Bora could also have been shot but try shooting one of my fleshball friends instead. The bullet would probably get lodged in folds of flesh and our friend would remain unscathed.

Also you would need a huge trunk to transport a very dead fatso who wouldn’t fit into a suitcase. And there are serious logistical problems in transporting large trunks. They just won’t fit into a car dickey and you would probably need a truck which is far more noticeable than a car and is more prone to attracting the attention of cops who wouldn’t mind their palms being greased.

Now I hope you have understood the advantages of obesity. So our mota sorry moti sorry motto should be “Be Fat Avoid Fatality”.

PS: Please don’t land at my doorstep with an (empty) suitcase if this thread has driven you nuts.

 

Ashima glad I was able to act as an antidepressant.

 

Surekha I wouldn't mind Indrani with a suitcase if the suitcase is packed with cash. As for Indrani, why not? she is a PT (Pretty Thing with the Y for Young dropped). Glad for confessing you belong to the obesity club.

 

Viswa, thanks. May be Mikhail Bora got away because he was fat and the drug didn't work on him. Anesthesia didn't work on me either in my fatso days when I broke an arm. The anesthetist after ana attempt to ut me to sleep before the operation thought I had dozed off but nearly had a heart attack when he heard me speak asking the doctor about the surgical procedure.