Workload distribution with MIL

sslkgpaa · Jun 19, 2015

Hi Ladies,

My ILs are here to help with my baby while I work. I primarily work from home, other than 1-2 days in a month.
My expectation were that she will take care of the baby completely (I breastfeed so feeding is my job anyway) and we will share the cooking task.
Other things like cleaning/laundry/dishes I can manage after my office hours.
But from past one month I have been doing everything. She holds the baby most of the time (apart from when she takes bath/lunch/nap) and by the end of the day I am truly exhausted with nighttime feeding still pending in my task list.
I see most of my colleagues who have parents/in laws visiting US for 6 months to help them with their baby, work full time from office. Wondering how they divide the tasks with MIL.
My LO is 4 months now and sleeps mostly through nights and wakes up only for feeds.
FIL sleeps most of the day (doesn't help in holding LO while MIL has to visit bathroom etc)and keeps MIL busy with impromptu chai/nashta requests when I have to hold LO .
I wanted to have my kids at the daycare, but ILs were so adamant to come and help us with the baby. I too got greedy that I will have LO with me whole day and can continue EBFing the baby.
Ladies here who are working and have their MILs to help, pls tell me what should I expect.

Cheers!

smartwife · Jun 19, 2015

Expecting from in-laws can disappoint you. Far from your in-laws helping you, you are being loaded with extra work. Yes, some MILs are quite helpful after a childbirth, but it looks like that's not the case with you.

Daycare would be a better option. Its not too late. Talk to your husband about it.

Ragini25 · Jun 19, 2015

You have been in IL website since 2014, you should know that if inlaws dont bother and hassle you, that itself is a blessing
J/K, realistically dont keep much expectation from MIL, get a nanny, daycare etc.

MalStrom · Jun 19, 2015

If your MIL had wanted to help, she would have done so. If she has not offered, there is little you can do to make her do so. And it may be tiring for an older person to be in charge of a baby for extended periods of time.
If you can bring your mom over later that may be more helpful.
Since you need to WFH, the best option would be to have a nanny. However many Western nannies are reluctant to work in households where the parents and in-laws are present constantly, and they are expensive. There are Indian/other immigrant ladies who work under these circumstances.
Or you could look into a day care at least part-time.

JustLikeYou · Jun 19, 2015

Dear OP,

Your MIL said she is here to help with baby, so i see that's what she is doing. I guess she does diaper chaging, bathing and holding the baby when you work.

My MIL stays with me after my second and my first one goes to daycare. I think i am lucky that she prepares some dinner when i get home. Other than that there is no house hold chore responsibility for her. I pretty much do everything in the weekend. I am happy as far as the baby is taken care of.

You can't expect much from MIL.

yellowmango · Jun 19, 2015

Let her take care of baby,you find other alternative for rest of the work.Get cleaners to come sometimes. Mae simple dishes. Make food one time . Order food from outside when too stressed. Most importantly,get husband to share your workload.

Priya16 · Jun 19, 2015

FIL doesn't help and not sure what husband doing though.

How can you expect all the help from MIL.

My mother also used to take care of the baby only and couldn't able to help with other work.

Each person will have different limits on how much they can work physically.May be your MIL not capable of doing lot of physical work or not capable doing multitasking.
So,appretiate the help what she is offering and see your hubby can help you more or hire some domestic help.

house is much better place for young baby's.If they get sick at daycare then that will be another nightmare.Use the dishwasher for dishes and hire help for house cleaning and request your hubby to help with coocking or holding baby.

sslkgpaa · Jun 20, 2015

All,
Thanks for suggestions and comments.
Yea, she does help me with the baby but all that is entertaining LO and putting him to sleep. All other stuff i do, like giving bath changing diapers etc. However she keeps me reminding when its time to change.
Me and hubby had a proper division of work before my ILs came. My MIL gets furious when she sees him working (her daughter does all the house hold chores alone and takes care of kids and I am supposed to learn from her how she manages single handed. Ofcourse she doesnt work. However to give her peace of mind we decided that hubby will take rest, anyway he already did lot when I was pregnant.
There are many other things about them which bothers me, like, I am supposed to wear only salwar kurta. The whole house is a mess (hang towels and used clothes on the doors, keep hair oil, medicines, mirror and what not all on the TV stand so they are handy, made mini living room out of patio, and the list goes on. Cooking was a lot easier when it was just my family. Now I have to cook so many things everyday
If I have to hire a nanny or send LO to daycare it would kill me just seeing them in my house!!

Jazmine83 · Jun 20, 2015

She yells when your husband helps you..sigh

MalStrom · Jun 20, 2015

Let your MIL get furious and make faces. Since her son has an equal role in the creation of her grandchild, there is no reason to keep him on the sidelines. Your husband should continue to help you. Your SIL is free to do as she pleases.
It is not feasible for you to bow to unreasonable attitudes every time they visit. You and DH should put a united front from here on so that subsequent visits don't become nightmares.