Important lessons learned & unlearned

Learned that I am the most important person to me. Anyone one who tries to dominate me will be sent away with a flea in their ear. Integrity and fairness really matter; if you are true to yourself, no one do can do anything to you.

Unlearned that ILs can be pleased by bending over backwards; good dil gold medal is actually just rolled gold. Everyone doesn't have to like you. Age doesnt deserve respect; only consideration. Elders are not automatically right. If is alright if some "elders" are slightly scared of you. If said elders are bullies, then more power to you!

 

1) I learnt the importance and unconditional love of my mom in a very big way. Till then, I was one of those , who would treat MIL and mom equal. Buy the same set of gifts for them. Try to treat them the same way. After my second pregnancy - I understood that no matter what happens me ,the ONLY person who would care and stand by me - no matter how i have behaved in the past, is my mom. I have been arrogant with my mom, not listened to her, undermined the hardwork she did and even used to give more importance to the comforts of my MIL some years back. Now, I know my mom would be the most important person in my life (not dad, not husband, not even the kids - I love them - but i know they can never love me back the way amma does).

2) Not to expect husband's support - for anything. Be it money, defence against MIL, emotional supprot. NOTHING. He is a separate entity - with his own views about everything. Also, whatever complaints are valid for me, are not valid for him (ex: If i want to go for a movie -20 dollars for a movie ticket??? Wait till it comes on amazon or netflix. If he wants to watch rajnikanth movie first day first show, 40 dollars for the same ticket - no problem!) So , the lesson learnt is to stop whining and do what you want to do.
3) I will never be a "good" DIL. Even if I pulled out my heart and gave my MIL to eat as jalebis, she will complain that it is salty. Or too sweet. Or "a friends DIL gave my friend a liver to accompany the heart". I have learnt to stop trying to do things to impress my MIL. I do it my way. She will not like it no matter what. Then whats the point in making myself miserable.
4) Not to let my kids suffer for me. MIL has done innumerable horrors to my elder DD in the name of custom. I have kept quiet. As a mom , I should have protected my child from it. I didnt . Second time around, I made sure I was bold enough. If my son was uncomfortable in silk clothes and crying - I made sure he would be out of them in a jiffy . No matter how important the occasion was or how many people were attending.

All in all, I have learnt to stand up for my and my beliefs and not depend on someone else to talk for me.

 

very mature and practical thoughts Cheenu!!!

 

I have learnt to not take irritating comments by in-laws seriously.. Just let it in through one ear n out through the other.. If they keep on bugging, talk back without creating drama.. N not to trust mil completely..

 

Unlearned :
1. Good DIL medal is a pride. Better not to have one.
2. Respecting others and being nice all the time will get you some love and respect from in laws family. No, you should demand for respect, and shouldn't earn love at the cost of self respect. Because it is not worth it.
3. A good relationship with in laws is essential for a successful marriage. No. In fact the success of my marriage life has begun the moment I cut off all the ties with my in laws. It is better to have no one rather than having some problematic ones.
4. DIL's respect is based on how she pleases her in laws. No. In fact, I am respected by them only after I stopped pleasing them. The more I pleased them, the more they took me for granted.
5. In laws should be involved when H&W relationship gets deteriorated. No. They will neither be neutral nor un-judgmental. Rather, they will try to suppress you more knowing your pathetic situation. Better deal your issues alone or with the help of some real good friends/colleagues.

Learned:
1. Everything that I unlearned above is a new learning after marriage
2. Learned to treat husband and in laws as 2 different people. I held my H responsible for MIL's behavior. And held her responsible for his bad qualities. I criticized her upbringing. In fact, I failed to see both of them are 2 individual adults with different qualities.
3. Deal with your in laws' issue on your own. Earlier I expected H to support me, or side with me when I had issues with in laws. In fact, it is wrong. It is always better not to expect a son to go against his mom. It has personal and social consequences to him. Rather deal the issue on your own and share only when it is important to share with him.
4. Learned to accept the difference. Although we spoke same language, lived in same town we had so much differences, however tiny they were, the differences still had a huge impact in our relationship. I started giving importance to those differences to make life comfortable for both
5. Learned to accept that MIL is old, and from a very old school of thoughts. Also I learned one thing that old people are more stubborn and age is not the scale for maturity. I learned this from my own mom who sometimes misbehaves, but I excuses her for who she is to me. So, I applied same logic to my H and learned to ignore many things.

 

Unlearned:
1. If i will be gud my in laws will praise me....No matter what i will do my in laws say only bad about me...so now i do only what is fair...i dont bend backwards...
2. My gud behaviour will change their thoughts abt me....initially when i saw my inlaws bad behaviour i thought tht if i continue my behaviour they will change...i can win them by seva...haah....what a foolish thought....my in laws are born abusers...
3. In laws can be like parents only....
i learned:
1. My mil do many things just to irritate me....and when i get angry or irritated its her win...
just being plain happy is enuf to blow fuse of my mil....
2. Be emotionally detached....just do what is fair dont expect anything in return....
3. Everybody doesnt deserve politeness n respect....some people takes ur politeness as ur weakness....
4. Dont fight with ur husband infront of inlaws....be very lovey dovey....
5. Dont behave they are the elder u r the younger....just behave like an confident adult....
6. Maintain ur distance and keep formal relations...
7. Talk minimal dont give the chance to make sarcastic comments... Dont ignore any belittle comment....politely and firmly question the person what makes them to say so....
8. If they do the drama of being loving...u do the double drama....
9. Even if ur in laws r stooping low.....dont try to reach their level....save urself and maintain ur dignity....always be the bigger person....nobody is going to give u brownie points for this but u will love n respect urself for this...

 

learned..

1) In laws are just another set of people with good and bad in them..deal with them the way you deal with any other person in life

2) Do not waste too much time in "pleasing" them.. they will never be pleased...

3) be fair to all involved / situations. again need to please anything.. being fair is enough.

4) focus on your own self first.. if you are happy .. chances are you can make others around happy if they are receptive... if they are not receptive atleast they will envy you and make you happier

5) grow strong everyday as an individual ... everything else comes later

Unlearned..

1) As another posted said.. I had to unlearn the hard way that people will naturally be good to you if you are good to them.

 

learned:
1. To stand up for myself and not expect anything even from my parents.
2. To not show anger on kid that I have on my H or in-laws.
3. To forget that H can be a best friend if he was one in the past.
4. To take profession seriously as it can be a support system when no one else will be.
5. To look good and presentable as beauty is still associated with women at which ever phase of life you are.
6. H never gives 100% of his time\energy to help you(be it learning driving, bringing up kids, understanding your emotions, steering through career)

Unlearnt:
1. To treat H as a lover.... Got more hurt trying to get love from him and hence decided that he is just a travelling companion in this life.
2. Telling all the (minor\major) family details to parents.
3. Age doesn't matter in giving\taking respect. They should deserve it.