tortured by dil

..... but we can cherry pick Indian style parenting and western style old age plans and after our educational/wedding expenses are paid in full .

 

[QUOTE=imnmil;3548628]I am an mil. I married my son 8 years back and my daughter less than 5 years back.My family loved and accepted the dil with open heart. I never tried to force anything on her like clothing, jobs etc. But the fact remains, [/quote]

By not forcing her to wear what YOU want, YOUR job demands etc are not sign of a good MIL. your DIL is an individual and it SHOULD BE HER CHOICE.


[quote] Since their marriage, my son started disliking his only sister, pointing out her and even her then fiance’s faults more and more. It breaks my heart to see how dil can break this brother-sister bond that had been the glory of my family and break my family.

As my dd has married in another culture, initially she had lot of problems adjusting there for an year or two and we as a family had responsibility towards her which we did, stabling her situation there and doing what it needs to do that. My son with the instigation of dil, started cribbing about what ‘sacrifice’ they had to do for his sister’s ‘choice’ for which according to my son, she herself should have been responsible, as if the family does not have anything. [/quote]

Your son and dil seems to have done a lot of things for your daughter. He is true in saying that she made a choice she has to live with it. You cannot expect your son to support your daughter all through her life. Don't you think that is mean? What is your DIL's sister or brother had a similar issue and she and ur son is helping them. how would you feel about that?


[quote] My dd is very adjusting and has learnt a lot of things from her in-law’s culture. But my dil shows extra resistance to them. when I started cooking some food item I learnt from my dd for breakfast, lunch or dinner, all except dil enjoyed it. And dil showed as if I am forcing her. She can always make her own bf if she does not like ours, does not like to be with the family. I never stop her from doing that. But she makes faces if I feed my grand dd or even my own son with those food. She is even trying to take the entire kitchen from me so that only she has the say as to what would be cooked and i cannot cook what i want. She shows irritation if we try and speak with her a line or two in the language of my son in law which my dd is also fast picking up. Her attitude is very disappointing. [/quote]

For every mother their child/children are the best. You don't have to sing praises of your daughter to your DIL. What if she comes and praises about her friend's MIL or her sister's MIL day in day out. Are you going to like that??

Again trying to force what you learnt from ur daughter on your DIL and then saying she cannot accept it is like forcing her what to wear/ what job she should do etc. So there goes your "Good MIL" tag out of the window.


[quote] On the other hand her mother is a very interfering person. She took advantage of my absence for some time and then started giving unsolicited advice and almost tries to tell me what to do in my own son’s home when she came and if I react, dil makes it look as if I am insulting her mom and when my dd visited my son after that, she had the audacity to be absolutely callous to her presence. As if no one is here. [/quote]

You want to have a say in your son's home; but your DIL's mom cannot have a say in her daughter's home??

What do you expect your DIL to do with your DD?

[quote] All these years things are only becoming worse.i have only one son who cannot say anything to his wife and sees his mother suffer silently. dil pretends love for me and my husband infront of son by giving us gifts etc on occasions or showing as if she cares about my husband's diabetics etc. so son thinks she loves us and only we criticise her always.[/quote]

So you want your son to fight with your DIL all the time? He should not side his wife? You want your son to treat your DIL bad? How would you feel if your SNIL treats your daughter the way you want your son to treat your DIL? N BTW how are you suffering??
your DIL is giving you gifts, taking care of you; and still you think she is pretending.

I wonder what is her take on all this?

 

Was there not a similar story line a few weeks ago with a DIL who spit on her MIL? This story reminded me of that

 

I agree with this. Being financially independent gives you a lot more options and helps maintain your self-respect. If parents have to choose between themselves or their kids, they should save for themselves to the extent possible. As is often said here, you can borrow for college but not for retirement.

 

What is this Indian style parenting??? How does it differ from western style parenting ?thinkingsmiley

 

Indian Style - Getting married and having children is to have a safe future/retirement.

Western Style - Not sure.. Let me take a break and go find out from my colleagues..

 

"The Nanny"

 

This Indian parenting where the daughter has to be mollycoddled by parents ,brother and his wife for life but the dil's parents can't even advice.

Also if you bring up a son and educate him...you get to control his life forever. He has to pay back in the form of dil's tears.
OP is living with son .The son and dil take care of them....just because they don't stand in attention and lay out the 21 gun salute for her DD and son in law....she is tortured and the son is not paying back his debt for the sacrifices.The son loves his wife ...so he is not paying his debt to them because that is the integral part of paying back debt.Treat your wife bad to show that you are our good son who is keeping us happy.


Most households like Op's would qualify as happy households ....but the op is tortured.