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A lil different and very shocking life

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by shobhamumbaikar, Apr 7, 2015.

  1. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    And you have misread my post.

    Support from mothers and others are of course needed in a society where there are no hospitals, pre/postnatal care, food is limited (and it is important to have the new mother to get proper food). If you live in a society where there are no scarcity of food, the hospitals take care of the health aspects then the situation is different. Thinking of an NRI living in the US or a upper middle class mother in Mumbai - why on earth would she need having mothers and in-laws invading her home? As said SGBV there are drawbacks, emotional distress, marital harmony can be disturbed etc. It can also take a toll on the grandparents to give up their home, life and friends to "support" a daughter.

    So instead of sticking to a tradition that is maybe not useful then why not come up with models that work better for the current setup. I have seen the threads from distressed DILs having to live with their in-laws for months because she is pregnant/have an infant, distressed pregnant ladies feeling that they are abandonded because their mother is not coming to support them, in-laws fighting with the parents (as in this OP). It is such a fun and precious moment of you life to have a baby so why make it stressful having all this mess?
     
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  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Because, father does not want to do chores of the infant and home and take care of wife, who just delivered , for first couple of weeks .

    if he gives a month of his time for above stuff, for each delivery, do we need pils or parents help?
     
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  3. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    I have not misread or misunderstood any of your posts. Most of us here study English as a first language in school.

    Again, where does this sense of entitlement come from? Advising about stuff that one does not understand at all?

    How did you judge that our traditions are not useful for our current life?

    The Indian population is 1.23 billion out of which women are 624 million. Indusladies has a membership of 1 lakh mostly drawn from the extremely well-educated and urban population. So about 1.6% belong to IL out of which everyone is not cribbing about MIL issues. Even if everyone here is cribbing, its done with an intention to seek solutions within our set up.

    Your conclusions are from the venting out from the 1.6% of the female population?

    Upper middle class or urban does not matter at all. If you had taken the time to read my posts on this thread, I have detailed what we do when children are born. Its all part of a our Indian medicine system.

    Are you well-versed in Ayurvedic or any kind of native medicine forms to discredit what goes on as part of our post-partum rituals? Eating freshly cooked food and oil massage of baby and mom are important to us whether educated or not, whether living in US or India or Kenya.

    What makes you the deciding authority whether a mom in Mumbai or Minneapolis needs her mom at her side when she has her baby?

    How about I react the way you do and give a shout out to all Europeans and Americans to change their way of living because they have teenage pregnancies, how about I advise them to stop abandoning their kids and elderly parents and display more responsibility?

    How about I advise the industrialised world to live and work with nature and not go against it? How about I ask them to change their current setup as obviously the current of model of industrialization and resource consumption is not sustainable at all?
     
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  4. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    I think we still do. I did not have my parents or Pils when I delivered my first child. My husband did a lot for me. I still missed my mom. The loneliness was killing. I needed a lot of help recuperating. It was impossible for me to lift my feet and put them in the tub, I needed someone to care for a colicky baby a couple of hours while I slept in peace. A little baby is a lot of work.

    If a man can do what a woman can do, what we are all doing on IL? Why do we feel so secure in the company of women? Its the things unsaid, that other women pick up and understand, which we otherwise have to work so hard to make men understand.

    Even if the husband is one out of the million doing all the cooking, cleaning and looking after baby I still needed the emotional support of mom right next to me, not over the phone 3000 miles away.

    And I am a pretty independent person by the way. But we are still Indians who need those dear to us to celebrate birth and death with us, close to us.
     
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  5. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Again, childbirth and pregnancy is the same physical process in each country. Yes, in a society where there are no (or insufficient) medical care, malnutrition is common etc then of course it is essential to have a support system in place. Having mothers/in-laws/other ladies from the community supporting the new mother.

    But if you again look at a society where there is medical care (ie the mother is completely fit to run the household after coming home from the hospital), sufficient food (no need to stuff the mother with ghee and fenugreek after the delivery), the husbands able to take care of the baby&household chores that is needed. At this point it is better to have the young couple have their privacy & allowing the grandmothers to only enjoy the grandchild without any obligation of "taking care" of the mother.
     
  6. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    Is ghee and fenugreek scandinavian food? Is it that you are something familiar with? A nutritionist perhaps? Where are the credentials for saying this is not needed?

    How can grandmothers enjoy the grandchild when they live 3000 miles away? By visiting on weekends?

    I delivered my kids in US with reasonably good medical care. 3 days in hospital did not make me fit to run the household. Even with all the help that husband offered. Btw he did not get any paternity leave and was not able to take leave for a month.
     
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  7. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    Abla is right. My family was waiting outside the delivery room. His parents would also have come had I not gone to labor suddenly.

    But no one is allowed inside unless the mother wants. So don't "poor mother" anyone. It is so that the mother is as comfortable as possible in a very vulnerable moment and has the support of her loved ones.

    There are things I could not do myself like "arrange marriage" but I never talked anyone out of it or argued with others about their choices. I am not sure why on an Indian site, you argue against all Indian customs and our way of things.

    Let me also make it clear, that it is not just Indians who want their families around them when babies arrive. Almost all cultures (from what I see) do that unless they don't have good relationship with their parents or they live far away and could not be at hand all the time.

    For example, a guy at work bought a house almost two hours away (one way) from work because they want to be close to her parents when children come. Another friend and her brother both fight to have their parents to live close to them (siblings live 45 minutes apart) as parents are looking for a home due to downsizing.

    Another friend just gave birth to her third one. Her dh's parents live 45 min away and hers 3 hours. Her come more often to baby sit (they are retired his still working) especially during crazy times at work for days. They were there was the first week the baby was home.

    All these examples are not of Indians but Americans that I either work with or friends. People have constrains but given a choice almost all grand parents want to spend time with grandkids and all adult children love their parents support during the birth of their child.

    Personally for me, more than help (my H is very hands on dad and we want to take care of baby as much possible) I love to be with me for them to share their grand children's lives because I know how much they longed for that day. I feel happy to share my children with my and his family.

     
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  8. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Butter is of course also a fcandinavian food, fenugreek originally from middle east but also used as a spice in Scandinavia. There are no scientific evidence that it would be needed. Of course eating fatty foods was very good for a malnutriotioned mother giving birth. Today with too much food available probably not a good idea to feed ghee to a new mother.

    If you leave far away it is better to wait with the visit until the young parents are settled with their newborn and then stay for a while.

    Husband do not have any annual leaves? Wow ...
     
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  9. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    @crayoness

    I said - He was not able to take leave for a month

    You said - Husband do not have any annual leaves, wow?

    Who is misreading and misinterpreting?

    Annual leave is for 2 weeks in US!

    There is tons of evidence in ayurveda on fenugreek, its sufficient for us.

    This is why I said all knowledge is not documented in English earlier. If something is not documented in English or not proved in a lab in western countries, it does not mean it does not exist.

    Butter is not equal to ghee.
     
  10. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    You cant judge tht tradition is not useful just because people are venting in this forum....normally in a forum only troubled people come ...people who are happy they just stay happy and dont open a thread to anounce their happiness....
    almost every indian woman would like to have her mother with her after child birth at least for some time...you can take a poll on indusladies if u want....so it shows tht tradition is not useless ....it is still useful ...
     

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