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A lil different and very shocking life

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by shobhamumbaikar, Apr 7, 2015.

  1. shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    [FONT=&amp]A senior in my office has in-laws issues similar to mine and many others in our society. ILs showing their true color during the trying time of pregnancy and delivery, But what makes it shocking to me and has made me quote her here is, along with her ils, her parents too showed a real bad color during that time.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]She said she had a love cum arranged marriage. There was some problem before marriage due to her mil’s ‘illogical demands” (I don’t know what exactly they were) as well as her mother’s rather blunt refusal. Matters were resolved finally. After marriage she lived in a joint family with ils. She used to be all praises for her mil who used to gift jeans and tops to her on occasions and her fil who used to be friendly with her. She used to go extra mile to gift them on occasions too. Two families seemed to get along well too. She said, during her sil’s wedding her parents even took some marriage-responsibility rather than being only guests and gifted heavy gold items. Though her ils did things like not allowing her in kitchen or to have opinions in any matter and all their lives used to revolve around her sil (things she did not tell me then) I never saw her criticizing them. Infact, we used to ask her “do you love your in laws more than parents?”Then as she was pregnant and due to thyroid or something was almost confined to bed and as usual her mil chose to help her sil, whose son was already a toddler by then, leaving her and asking them to stay back resulted in big blame from them, she and her dh approached her parents who gave her a shock by saying that it is her il’s responsibility and not theirs. Her father even said NO rather rudely to her dh when he asked for a long time help though eventually they came. During delivery the situation was the same as many of us with her mil hurling insults on her parents with the exception that her parents too gave out bad enough if not equally bad reply and said things which according to her “any parent who cares about the daughter’s happiness” will not do. They even left showing their displeasure knowing fully well that the mother-baby duo has no one to take care. Though later when the baby developed some jaundice or something, they came and helped but they have blamed their daughter for subjecting them to il insult for her selfish needs.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]She has fought with her mil who does ‘pure evil things’ now and moved out of her il house since then, and fought with her mom too and has also distanced herself from her parents. She says it has been a year since she visited them and she has stopped inviting them over too. I felt so bad for her and can't believe even parents can be like this. She says “I feel I have lost all… even my dh's support partly because of the fight with il and partly because of the rude behavior my parents did to him”. In an emotional moment she said these things to me and asked what she should do. Not knowing what to tell her, i am posting it for your opinion, with due permission from her.[/FONT]
     
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  2. Harini73

    Harini73 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Ask your friend to be bold and if she feels there is a distance between her and her husband,ask her to first mend that.

    Ask her to speak with her husband,her expectations,her pain etc in calm manner.Let her not pin point any one.

    Regarding IL's and parents let her stop expecting from them,just maintain minimum contact.
     
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  3. Saya83

    Saya83 Silver IL'ite

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    @shobhamumbaikar - Even my advice will be to the mend the relationship with her husband. Make sure that at least her family (she, her husband and son) are one and together always. And then try to manage others.

    I understand that parents are also very important in our life. But please give them some time. From your post I understand that, though the girl's parents were rude and harsh but they always turned up at the end when they required help.

    So, they might not be bad at heart, they are just hurt. Time can heal everything. meanwhile make sure that they are not hurt anymore, so just keep some distance from them.
     
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  4. Sivasakthigopi

    Sivasakthigopi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Your Friend needs to overcome this situation. She must take care of her baby and his husband, and she needs to solve all problems with his husband First. She fought both side! So it is not good to waiting for them to come to her, if she see her parents any place she must talk with them.

    Her Parents thought they were fooled by her In Laws. They show their angry on her In Laws to her Husband, So she must understood them! They only point out that, her mil needs to do this work, but she went to take care of her SIL.

    And in hospital they met many problems so they left, they cant able to hear or not able to stay there more due to her MIL

    So She fought with parents is 50% Correct and 50% Wrong!

    As per her point of view 50% Correct but through her parents its Wrong!

    Now she needs to keep her relationship with her parents and her husband smooth and perfect!

    So her parents will help her furthermore due to her breakup with her In Laws!
     
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  5. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    I have a little different view here....
    i think if her parents said tht it is her in laws responsibility they were right in pointing tht out as in many communities(including mine) it is solely in laws responsibilty....if in laws has all the right over the dil and parents had none as per culture so it shuld be both ways ....
    But they came for help it shows they actually cared for their daughter...
    if they answered rudely back to in laws who were rude to them whats wrong in tht? Why as a daughter we shuld expect our parents to swallow all the insult on the name of daughter's happiness?
    In fact their daughter and son in law has called them for the help when the people who were actually responsible for the help were not ready...
    then daughter n son in law shuld have ensured their respectful stay....
    in my first pregnancy i had c-sec...my parents were hell lot of worried for me seeing my in laws behav. And in my family this was the first c-sec...so they stayed back for me even after taking sone disguised and some direct insult....but i always felt tht for my selfish reasons i let them stay and made them to bear those insults...even sometine my mom thinks same...i dont think she is at fault...its the truth
     
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  6. janaka1

    janaka1 Silver IL'ite

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    i know what she is feeling. I know how bad it feels when one's own parents show that they don't care. And worse is when they insult one's husband for no fault of his. I have such history with my own father. And i really cannot forgive him for that. I often feel that my mil, even if proved herself as a horrible mil to her dil, at least has proved herself a good mother for her dd. My mom has failed in even that. I envy my sil; for having a dedicated mom and wish i had one tooo......

    sorry if my words sound very rough...i just feel that way at times... and it really impacts the relation with your dh as it is YOUR mom/dad who did the wrong to him...as well as with respect to ils...as dh will not support you against his own mom if he himself/his parents has to put up with insult from you/your parents. So in total it makes the situation more tricky for the daughter. So it really seems to be the selfish ego of the parents that they didn't think about their dd's happiness before lashing out at her dh/ils with or without much reason...
     
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  7. CoolPie

    CoolPie Silver IL'ite

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    First ask her to mend her ways and keep cordial with her DH. As of now, let her not think or worry about in-laws or parents. Let her concentrate on her kid and DH alone.

    But let her always keep her door open for both parents and in-laws. She can mend with them later if they are willing.
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I differ with your friend.She has no business expecting her parents to take abuse from her in laws"for her happiness".Is that how she repays her parents for at least turning up for help that in laws refused.

    Wouldn't you have liked your mom to have given some of it back to your mil Shobha....has being quiet made your life any better?

    I don't blame the girl's parents for standing up to the in laws 'demands'. ......that is probably the reason they ended up having an equal relationship with her in laws ....rather than a subservient relationship. I think your friend is being unreasonable and ungrateful for expecting her parents to take '**** ' from her in laws. Maybe it was this kind of expectation from her and her husband in the past that made her parents refuse at first....but the fact is,they did turn up to help. She should be thankful.

    We can't complain about in laws not respecting parents if we don't even give them the moral right to defend themselves or fight back.
     
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  9. janaka1

    janaka1 Silver IL'ite

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    [FONT=&amp]You are right in saying that a girl’s parents are not responsible when they are not entitled. True. But imagine the condition of the girl who is suffering so much and her in laws conveniently slip away and when in desperation she reaches out to her parents for support, all she gets is raised eyebrows and surprised question. “it’s not our responsibility, is it?” How will she feel? Will she not feel that no only her in laws her own parents deserted her when she was in need.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]And worse, what will she feel when her husband, who has already acquired the badge of a bad son from his own parents for expecting and asking for their help for his wife and who could have very well hidden behind the “what can I do now?” excuse and expected the wife to “adjust” choose to walk the extra mile for her and ask for help from her parents only to be greeted with a rude NO from them?
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]Yes the girl’s parents are not supposed to take abuse form her ils but they should also think before lashing out to them as to what consequence it may have on her dd. It applies the same for the son’s parents as well. They should also remember that if they misbehave with their dil/her parents, it is going to affect their son in some way or the other. That is why we say that the iln laws are being inconsiderate their own son when they do it. So the same applies to the girl’s parents too. [/FONT]
     
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    The girl's parents turned up to help unlike the in laws....and what did they get for turning up to help? Abuse from her in laws....now instead of standing up to her parents,she is complaining that they fought back and left....(they returned when her child got jaundice)
    Why do we women expect our parents to take abuse from in laws?
    What do you think the girl's parents should have done?
    1)The first time when unreasonable demands were made.
    2)When they were abused for turning up to help the daughter and her family.

    Don't say they should have bit their tongue and been more considerate for the sake of their daughter. The dil needs to be treated well irrespective of whether her parents agree to bend over and agree to be kicked around or not.
     
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