Parenting a Toddler and a PhD - Can it go together?

Gauri03 · May 30, 2014

Thanks for the nomination Rakhi. I agree that OP will have a hard time juggling a job and a PhD course. She could make it work with a highly reduced workload, like 3 credits per semester, but even then support from her husband will be critical. Also completing in 3 years seems unlikely. OP, with a full time job, you need to be prepared to dedicate at least 4-5 years to this.

nuss · May 30, 2014

preethiitech said: ↑

Dear friends,

I am here in a confusion. I want to get some suggestions, opinions, tips and tricks..friendssmiley

My DD is 1.5 years old and things are such that I may plan for a PhD anytime soon.. Is this possible? I am a working mom, flexi timings, but actually I still don't manage to find time.. I am in a hurry always.. My DD is like 'mummy, mummy, mummy......... for everything' . The moment I wake up she will wake up, and she goes to bed by 11 nowadays.. Dh is very busy Mon-FRi at work. Weekends are what we spend happily as a family.. Some days I have backlogs at work and house also.. But I generally get it going.. I am super-stressed that I have to do it all alone sometimes because I want everything to be perfect..I lack the 'me-time' on most days..doh1

Now, I am thinking of pursuing a Doctorate..I am quite interested to do this, as the time is nice in terms of career, the team which is starting now sounds so helpful, the peer group which supports and encourages kind of things..But they are all full time students pursuing this.. while only I am the mom, wife, working, maid, driver, on-call nurse etc kind of person.....thinkingsmiley

My questions:

Is this the right time?
Can I manage on top of baby, house, work?
Will I not perform as good as the others as I dont have enough time?
How to manage baby and time?

There is no one around in our location like parents, in laws, full time maids etc to take help from.. I cook twice a day on weekdays and 3 times on weekends. and generally do everything myself. 2-3 weeks once, we call in a maid for 4 hours to mop, wash toilets etc kind of work

I understand this commitment , if I take it now, it will be for a good 3 years atleast.. So how do I cope? Is this a bad idea? or Can I do this?

This thread is in the parenting forum, because at the end of the day,my DD is more important for me.. So parents, expecting your replies..:Bow:
Click to expand...

OP- I second everything that Gauri said. Is it possible- Yes! Is it easy- Hell, No!

Few things to think about:
1) Why do you want to do PhD? (Will it help you in moving up the career ladder? Are you passionate about it?)
2) Will you be working full time/ parttime while pursuing yoour degree?
3) If you quit your job/ reduce your hours at work, will it be okay financially?
4) Will you be able to afford daycare with lower pay/ PhD fellowship?

Now, after honestly answering these questions, if you still think a PhD is a good move, by all means go for it BUT---

Keep in mind, 1) it takes about a year before actually starting PhD program. I am talking about good Indian institutions and in the US so if things are different in Malaysia, please ignore this.
If you took GRE 5 years ago, you'll need to take it again (USA) or you will need to sit in an enterance exam and qualify it (India). For Fall admissions, you have to apply in previous Fall/ Spring (USA). Give or take, it takes one year from applications to the start of classes. So, your DD will be 2.5 years by then.
2) I don't know what is your discipline but in Biology (all Natural and applied sciences) it takes 5-6 years for full time PhD (over 40 hours a week) especially in India and USA. In Europe and Australia, it is usually 3-4 years (max 5) because you don't have to take course work which saves 1-2 years. You need to find out what is average in Malayasia (if that's where you will be applying).

Now coming to your specific questions:
Is this the right time?
There won't be the perfect time ever. If your heart is set, go for it.
Can I manage on top of baby, house, work?
Yes, you can. But you will need a lot of support. Gauri already mentioned that. You will need to ignore some stuff as well 9dishes can go in dishwasher, laundry can wait)
Will I not perform as good as the others as I dont have enough time?

This is great thing about us humans, we perform our best under stress. You will do fine.
How to manage baby and time?

Kids are much more flexible than we give them credit for. You will still be able to find time to involve your DD in your work.

______________-
I'll share my own experience:
When I accepted my position last year, i had all these questions and more. My son was 5 months at that time. He'd never been to a daycare, we'd a nanny. Both my husband and I were going to start tenure-track positions that means almost signing for another PhD (with much more responsibily) . We found a babysitter for our son before I started (by the time he was 7 months). I worked full time (research), taught one undergraduate and one graduate course, sat on the committies that I had to as part of my job and last semester I took two courses myself. The courses I took were totally different from what my expertise are (Perl programming and Software for Biologists), I didn't have to take these courses but I hate when i don't know what my students are doing as most of research is shifting towards big data. I didn't make A on either of these courses but I was satisfied with B+ especially because I learned a lot and can now understand when my student shows me data and most important, can ask questions.
Was it easy- No. But I have a very supportive husband. I've hardly cooked in more than a year. Plus, we sit together and discuss things, we discussed homeworks/ assignments etc and sometimes he helped me. I did most of my homework at night after my son went to bed. He goes to bed at 8 so I could spend 3-4 hours at night. If I had to stay late, my husband picked up our son. Without his help, I couldn't have done it. Sometime my husband works on weekends but I don't. Weekend is for my son.
My husband and I share two PhD students (co-advisors), one is a married man and we understand when he needs to take time off/ comes late/ leave early BUT we do expect them to show up everyday unless we're informed.

This is something you need to talk to your husband about. You will definitely need support (both mental and emotional) as well as help with chores. Flexibility of your schedule will depend a lot on your advisor.

Hope it helps!

preethiitech · May 30, 2014

Heartfelt thanks to all those who have replied..

Dr.preetha, girlygirl, nitha, laks..That was very positive, thanks again..Nitha, we don't have to go every day and the course work is very much negligible..

I dint mean motherhood is stopping me from doing my work, but whether I can balance work, family and studies? Thanks for helping me to reflect..

preethiitech · May 30, 2014

Rakhii, thanks, you spoke about my concerns.. Exactly right, if I don't take the step, schedules can never fall into place..yes I'm weighing my possibilities right now.. I'm trying to change my dd to a nanny near home, thereby will save atleast 2 hours that I waste in traffic everyday. Also organising things at work and finishing off some projects, so later the full time work will be under control.

Chitra, thank you so much, I need to see all sides of the coin.. Once I start I'm planning to spend the time to research mostly at work, so the time I come home I am fully available to be with my Dd. I may leave her to the nanny at 9 and be back at 5-6, every mon - fri.. Is this too much for a 2 + year old?

preethiitech · May 30, 2014

Gauri03,
Really excellent post.. I am so glad that you take the time to explain what it takes to do the thesis.. Reg your points, Dh's job will become flexi in another 6 months, meaning he can spend some time with Dd, advisor is the best cooperative one that I can get, going to change dd to a new nanny, hope she will be fine.. I am sure points 1-3 will gt cleared in another 4 months..

My workload at work also should be better after December this year.. Phd workload Does not have coursework! I do have perseverance, patience.. I think I want to do this, I hope I can start once I have cleared up the hassle in a few months. Thanks again

preethiitech · May 30, 2014

Nuss,

Thanks for Replying.. I actually had You in mind while I opened this thread since I have read somewhere that you have done this..

I want to do it and do it now, since the time is ripe to give me an immense uplift in my career and also I have been playing with the idea of when I want to start since quite a while.. So ultimately I have always wanted to do this..

I can't quit work though , or even reduce the hours.. But if I enroll formally, I will be entitled to atleast 3 hours of research work per day during work hours,which would really give me the TiME I need..

We don't have a lot of course work, and I have cleared the basics for getting admission.. There is yet one or two interviews I need to clear to get admission.. And I hope I can sail through because I have discussed this informally with my department, seniors, and even my prospective guide says he is ready to guide me through.. And the average time taken is 3-4 years ..

I should say Dh is a big pillar of strength, a lot of emotional support.. Soon he would start sharing some of the chores at home too.. But I doubt if sharing home works, thesis literature stuff etc will work in our case, he may listen though ..

piano · Jun 5, 2014

Hey all,

this is a very inspiring post and i really liked the quote having a kid not a hindrance for your dream......

now,my story is I completed my M.sc in chemistry b4 marriage and worked in that line in a reasearch lab for 2 yrs.then got married went to dubai and joined banking sector due as i didnt any good offers in my line.Succeded in banking line got few awards and went to australia and continued in same banking line with total exp of 8 yrs.Then after 10yrs had baby and back to India and stld here.

Now my baby is 2.6 joining school this month and ill have 3hours time.With respect to my career i have a doubt if i can proceed in my banking as it requires long working hours.My hubbys work hours is also too long.so obviously i have to take care of my baby with my hubby support whenever he can. so im thinking of doing M.phil and then to continue is teaching line in colleges.

pls let me know if u guys have any info about universities offering distance/part time m.phil in chemistry in chennai.

thanks

preethiitech · Jun 5, 2014

Hi piano,

Thanks, I am the opening poster.. Yeah when we can do something to achieve our dreams, we should do this, although it might require a lot of hard work and planning, sure it will be challenging and at the end, achieving success is satisfying.

There are lots of uni and centers which offer M.Phil by distance learning in TN. SASTRA University, Alagappa University, Univ of Madras are some famous ones. There are a lot more in Chennai, but the names don't ring familiar to me. They are

MFT Academy for distance learning, vadapalani
Institute of correspondence edu, triplicane
George academy for higher education, ambattur

There are many more actually..

ammulur · Jun 5, 2014

If willingness is strong one can succeed in anything.

But it depends on the research field you are going to. Most of my friends travel lot to various libraries in India and out to finish their thesis. It requires lot of traveling to various libraries.

If one think will not be unable to complete in these three years one can go for extension also.......!

Manipal University will be the best one.

preethiitech · Mar 2, 2015

Hi ILs,

I am very happy today since I have submitted by acceptance letter to enroll for my research and actively starting it this month. I came back to this thread once again to read all the responses to keep me motivated.

As advised earlier, I can find more than 4 hours a day now without distractions.i am wishing myself all the best for this journey. I wish i have your prayersfor me . thank you so much for the immense support.