Is there any way to reduce SIL's visits?

Hi Akanksha,

I don't quite agree with every thing you have said. I have marked my points in blue below.

 

@Rihana @Gauri03 @MalStrom @nb25

i didn't say that retail jobs are bad but sure they are not high paying as the STEM ones. I live in the bay area and most of the companies i see here have a higher percentage of asians compared to Caucasians. Most of the retail, i see Caucasians. I have seen dramatic shift in the last 10 years. Most of the Caucasians i have met at work or otherwise, have taken loans or worked to pay for their education. Personally, i am not convinced by statistics. It is always skewed to the point of view that the person wants to make and it is always based on a sample size. If the sample contains mostly asians, the result would be different then if it contains mostly hispanics or Caucasians. I did my masters in US. In our class, there was only Caucasian. So if someone asked that population, the reply would be either self funded, loan, or parent funded. Most asian students came from outside to study.

I never said that the relationship between the parents and the kids end just because kids start to live independently after 18. Maybe it is stronger. The bond is still there and kids may move back and forth as MalStorm mentioned. But because of this independence, there is no expectations of the parents that either the son or DIL will take care of them when they are sick. In case of Indian parents, the expectations is there. The other difference is the state provides care for the elderly which is not present in India. So, parents who are earning mostly hand-to-mouth, they cut their happiness and save and invest in their kids. This builds the expectations that the kids and DIL will take care of them in need. They just don't have enough money to save both for retirement and college for kids.

In my family, my Grandfather passed away when my dad was just 14 years old. There was no money. My father worked and helped his siblings grow up, helped his children grow up well educated, all with one income. Luckily, my father's business flourished in later years and he had a lot of money. Both my parents passed away and lucky for them that they didn't have to take help of my brother or my SIL. But if that wouldn't have been the way it happened, would it be too much for my parents to expect help from their DIL? I am sure my brother would have helped out.

All I am saying is that in our indian system, there is a default expectation of DIL taking care of PIL. If a girl doesn't want to do that, she should tell her husband before marriage - "I am not going to make sheera or khichadi or apply balm to your parents if they ever become sick". See how ridiculous it sounds? Would we every select such a girl for our sons or brother?

I am sure that men can learn at 30 or 40. Humans are capable of learning and doing great things. Women fly airplanes, have been in space (even indian woman - Kalpana Chawla). But i can't remain a spectator to my PILs being sick and stay with expectations that my DH would take care of them.

Yes there are horrible MILs, husbands, SILs etc. Yeah we can all vent here till the cows come home. But what is the solution? I don't agree with quid pro quo, getting even when others are at our mercy is ethical. I believe it is better to separate out. I know it is not easy but is it not easy because we fear society, our parents reputation etc or we don't want to take those steps and if we take the separation route, we will end up with a lot of divorcees all around and complications to children about step father, mother, half brother, sister etc, which is the evil to our children that i am talking about.

I believe that we should take the high road, be fair and clean in our treatment to PILs. If they are bad, let God handle it.

 

Walk out of a marriage because the husband won't make sheera or apply balm to his parents who made so many sacrifices for him.Of course...why not...The life of an Indian dil is after all such an easy walk in the park.

I hope you realize that your life is not representative of a majority of Indian Dils.For most....the independence you have over your life is like a sparkling distant dream. What is a bit of sheera ans balm when you have it all....

For most dils ...even something as basic as being able to visit her parents is a struggle.Not to mention the freedom to go out with husband or have some kind of basic independence to have some decision making in their finances. Don't expect these dils to have a heart of gold filled with sunshine.That only comes with a happy life.We can't judge people until we have walked in their shoes.

I have a pretty good married life ....and with a fair bit of fight...enough Independence to lead the life I want.I don't fall in the 'majority dil' category either.My in laws will most probably choose to be with me willingly when they really need to be cared in spite of me not being the ideal dil.....because I may not be the subservient one...but I try to be fair ..to myself and will be to them too.Most dils do not have the right to fight for a fair deal for themselves like I had.

I will not judge the dils who have not had my life if they don't want to serve. A life of bitterness is a life lost.I won't add to the their burden by judging them or piling on expectations from them. I choose to empathize .

There are some bad dils too...but we are a far way away from the day when we can paint them selfish for whatever they choose to do.The ball is still firmly in the in laws court.They get the first opportunity to treat the dil well......if they choose to waste this opportunity in fixing,setting her in place, breaking her in ....then it is their fault.They set the tone for the relationship.

I stand by the rule of"treat them the way they treaty you".It is fair to everyone . The unconditional love and care rule is for the children ....they owe it to their parents.

 

Yes it cannot be her husbands fault. But no one knows as to what exactly her problem is. Its somewhat surprising as she is willing to spend most of her time with her mom and dad rather than her husband. That's quite strange about her! Hence the situation compels to think her husband can be at fault..

 

@yellowmango Well said. I believe in "treating others the way you want them to treat you". Maybe since I haven't seen it, I am not sure if that works at all in these IL cases. But what's the solution since separation is difficult? Just drag on until one can? or create an amicable environment by avoid the conflict and at least have piece of mind? It is a lose-lose situation for DIL so what is then the saving grace? Maybe to choose the battles and ignore their brutalities? Maybe to count the blessings and don't run as if the sky has fallen?

 

Akanksha,

I try to treat ILs well, and ignore most of the time, when any thing upsets me. But, doing this all the time is not feasible. There are times when a DIL has to speak up. Bad behavior if tolerated every time becomes the norm. The DIL should treat her PILs well. At the same time, ensure she is not treated badly either. Personally, I feel some PILs take the DIL too much for granted. They get an educated, working woman, and expect her to do maid's work in their home. This is not part of caring for PILs. But, the caring DILs are often meted out such bad treatment. So, better to take care of oneself in such situations, and refuse to be treated like this.

 

No I have not said some things, I did say many things!

If Woman these days are choosing not to marry only because of these petty issues then I believe people will stop getting married and the only reason would be because the boy has mother and father, I wish to stay single forever.

All these unfair expectations after marriage – I admit that we are following and like to follow western culture but surprised, to this extent! Marriage is beautiful concept, the way we treat our patents the same treatment has to be give to our PIL. That’s the only thing needed here, nothing more. Then there should not be any problem with this concept.

In love marriage, what guarantee is there that one will be free from such expectations? Is it that the boy does not belong to any one or he has committed to his parents that after my marriage do not expect to get any care and support from me or my wife? If such confirmations are there prior to marriage then the so called love marriages work. Also you may note that in today’s time 75 per cent of the love marriages are at the shattering edge. I have witnessed many such examples.

Give and take has only one meaning – It only makes the relation forged, “because I am doing this for you , you will have to do that for me” whereas mutual understanding is a common or a combined interest where there is no force or compulsion in anything. Everything comes from heart only. Because when you say give and take it sounds mutual but in reality or in practical life it is another word for selfish act. Yes I believe that any relation that comes with terms and condition is a fake relation.

 

Give and take has only one meaning – It only makes the relation forged, “because I am doing this for you , you will have to do that for me” whereas mutual understanding is a common or a combined interest where there is no force or compulsion in anything. Everything comes from heart only. Because when you say give and take it sounds mutual but in reality or in practical life it is another word for selfish act. Yes I believe that any relation that comes with terms and condition is a fake relation.

 

That is not quite true - I think even in west, it all depends on what kind of equation you share with everyone else in the family. I have seen "kids" taking time off to care for their parents and parents quiting their jobs/taking long absences to take care of their grandchildren/pregnant daughters as and when required. All the stories we see here on IL, I have heard there too - we are not truely unique. Care and affection for our parents is not something to the Indian culture.


And some of the parents and in-laws I have seen and heard of, are quite a handful. Very much like ours I am sure, you will find some amount of family drama in other countries and cultures too.

Akansha - that is not true! A divorce is painful, whichever culture it is. And in my opinion (for whatever it counts!) having parents split up and find happiness and peace is better than living together in a broken home when it messes up things for everyone.


It is just that in the West - not many are married just for the sake of it in our generation. In some Christian religions (or sects), there is no thing like a divorce.So, it is not like their religion is very easy on them in this matter.


And I do have many many friends (and some relatives too) from "other" cultures - what you have said about so many multiple half brothers and sisters is an exaggeration. For that matter, my grandmother's servant maid in Madurai has been married four times - in their caste, all that she needs to do is take off her thaali/mangalsutra and divorce is all done. She is free to move on to the next husband.The kids are all well taken care of. The youngest kid is an engineer in the state services and the rest have very decent jobs too. And wait, she is seventy three years old. And her mother was married twice too. Why am I telling you this - so that you don't blame her aping western culture for this.



Some of my American friends take care of their family financially and regularly send out money to their parents, sponsor their holiday trips around the world or cut out cheques for their retirement homes. Few (non-Indian) friends of mine moved back home (a different country/continent where they didn't have great career prospects) simply to take care of their parents - they even lived together in what we would call a joint family! And not just one couple - I know many such couples, so they are no exception.


One of the Australian guys I know is not married to his partner - but his commitment to his partner and his kids and what he does for them - it is more than what some married Indian men do.

I think what you are saying is that kids don't have a cultural identity. Point taken. Think of it this way - parents want the good job, bucks and lifestyle that American shores bring. And their kids grow up in America with American friends and definitely their idea of whats acceptable and whats not will be different. Then (some) of the Indian parents still expect their kids to grow up as "Indians". So the kids grow up pretty confused. Parents are not the only influence on kids.


I have issues with our idea of culture - it is not static and has never been. It has always changed with time, place and socio-economic standing. Then why are we not ready to change something that is not working for us? Why blame culture?

Akansha, I am proud of where and what I am now - but calling it the best, without knowing about any other culture? Turning a blind eye to the faults in our own?


Leave culture alone here - it is a big word. Any parent (from any state/country/culture) will want the best for their child. And any parent will hope that when the child is all grown up, he/she will still have a good relationship with them, *take care* of them as and when required. It doesn't matter whether the so called culture ratifies all this care and concern we have for one another.

 

The most mature option is to let it be known that if the dil is not accepted,respected then she has the option of choosing to move away.A little less expectations ...a little more understanding would be a good start. We also need to celebrate the more understanding pils for having mature relationships with their daughters.

I think we are going through the transition phase....when some pils have to bear with the consequences of abusing dils and when the sons will have to take care of parents(It is sad and heart breaking...but in a land where brides are burnt for dowry and other irritants...it is not the cruelest thing )....it will send a message to the pils and husbands that a minimum level of respect and humanity is expected from them.

More importantly...parents will realize that they need to protect themselves in their retirement.With options of education loans becoming easier ...they will not make the 'sacrifices ' ....nor spend a life times earning on their marriages(not not expect others to do the same )

If the dils parents are not made to spend on a 'good ' wedding ....the dil will not have to worry about supporting her parents all the time as they can have a retirement fund. .....

One most change that needs to happen is parents investing in property for future generations.These days the options for reverse mortgage are available to parents if they own a house or other property. This will let them live in dignity and also make relationships with children more real.Let the children know that they need to work and make their own investments.