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Still anyone follow this customs in your house?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anu1122, Sep 8, 2014.

  1. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    Got it Chillout!
     
  2. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Rihana,

    You are right. I do not support that. But that is the situation in many Indian families.
    Parents worry about DD and hence may pander to SILs.

    While discriminating between SIL and DIL is not correct, I can understand that they as parents care for their DD. So, I would not mind if they seem to respect or care more for SIL than DIL. Of course, considering they treat DIL with respect too.
     
  3. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Finally!!! Thank you :)
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Basically the SNIL does not stay with his in laws in Indian families. But he is the one who takes their DD, and starts a new family with her in his place. So, he is obviously a visitor at his in laws place whenever he visits there. Moreover, he hosts their DD. Therefore, pleasing him with the expectation that he would in return please their DD is plain practical. Nothing wrong!

    The DIL is suppose to live with in laws' at their place. No matter how hardly we shout our lungs out that it is the DD's home too. In practice, she just lives at her in laws/H's home. May be legally she may posses some rights over that place, but practically speaking she needs to have a "generous" and "reasonable" in laws to accommodate her as a part of their family, and not as someone who just stays/shares with them. However, they don't consider her as a visitor either. Perhaps, she stays there always.

    Practically speaking, it is the son who is the provider to the DIL. So, pleasing the SON is very well enough. That's why many mothers become extra sweet and concerned about their sons after their marriage.
    They may react otherwise, if the SON to be moved to his in laws' house, and DIL is the primary bread-winner/decision maker in his family. But frankly, there is a long way to go there.

    At this given circumstance, the DIL in the OP is a permanent living member of her in laws' family. But the SNIL is a visitor.
    Their son has some power, so however disrespecting DIL won't badly affect their son's life. After all, DIL has to live with him, else she has no other choice.
    But SNIL is not like that. May be he is the provider of his house where he accommodates their DD. Disrespecting SNIL might result in anything, which might completely ruin their DD's life.

    Though exceptions are everywhere, I speak on-behalf of the majority.

    Do I accept this discrimination? NO... Never
    Because I consider myself as an exception here. I do not live with my in laws, do not completely depend on my DH or in laws, so I expect them to respect me, else I would demand for it. I always have a choice in my life!
     
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  5. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    SGBV,

    This is exactly what I feel.

    We can keep expecting an idealistic world where women are not discriminated against. But, that will be an expectation only and not realistic. I think its better to understand that this is the reality and deal with it.
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2014
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I am sorry... I did say that U perfectly understand the roots of this discrimination, but it does not mean I accept it by any means. If so, I will be the one who let my own DD face the same violence or more than this one day, by silently accepting it.

    Yes, acceptance would give some peace at the moment. But what is the use of attaining some peace at the cost of self respect?

    For me, self respect is more important than anything... I do not demand anything unreasonably... But again, I can't expect the same from everyone around me. Just that, I understand what other's feel and do about it, but my take is different.
     
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  7. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    SGBV,

    Thanks for your reply. I agree with every thing you said.

    Maybe I was a little vague. When I said we should accept it, I never said we should tolerate it. I meant we should recognize that this is the mentality that most people have. We should not say that women are not discriminated against, when such practices are going on every day. Only when we understand that such practices are discriminatory, can we oppose them. In my earlier post, that is what I meant when I said "I think its better to understand that this is the reality and deal with it" (I saw some posts saying - both DIL and SIL are outsiders. So why is DIL treated differently?).

    I am in no way endorsing it, as I am against all such practices. We should speak up against it (as I have said in my earlier posts). My self respect is very important to me too, which is why I always want to respond in a mature and respectful way. Also, I think a dignified response has the most chance of being heard, and accepted by the other side.

    I see no reason to fight with ILs over this, as I think that they are not doing this intentionally to disrespect the DIL. It is possible they do not realize it is disrespectful, and once they do, they will stop. I do not like to fight where I can persuade. If I can't persuade, I will have DH persuade them. Fighting is the last option for me.
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2014
  8. ksmrema

    ksmrema New IL'ite

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    I thought i was the only one that was made / asked to follow such ... I really pitty my Co-sister who stays with my IL's round the clock .... Hat's off to her ... I have got myself waived off with some of them .....

    No usage of any other dress other than saree .....
    Cannot sit in fornt of a man on a chair ... always on the floor ....
    And the list goes on .....

    But when my SIL's are at home they don't even bother and always in chairs, sofas , cots, beds ... whereever they like it ...

    My MIL's say "No one is at home naa ... sit in the bed"... What if my FIL or my BIL are there ..... ? I never understood .......

    And peculiarly its followed only in this house ... most other families of this vilage have changed
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2014
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    That is so insulting and degrading dear.How can you tolerate such nonsense?
    This kind of behavior comes under the heading of domestic abuse.Shame on the men who enable this behavior.
     
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  10. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    MILs will be MILs.

    My mom's MIL ( my grandma) used to ask my mother to touch the feet of her daughter's ( my mom's SIL) husband's boss every time he came home laugh1smiley
     

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