Guys dont reply to ladies personal thread

Hmm... What to do, people take that weapons ( he's a man) on many occasions very easily., I am sorry you have been put in such a pathetic place in this so called developed world.

Good luck and hope to see you here sometime, when you have the heart to say, FU, I don't care..

 

Which pathetic place dear? Where people have to justify their remarks with appropriate metaphors in a discussion? How dare we ask for justification for offensive remarks, right? No madam, the world is not developed yet otherwise we would not have a reason for the thread and the thread going this way!!

And no he reiterated that he did not leave the forum because of this pathetic place so i do not see him saying "FU, I don't care" in the near future.

 

Really? Is that so hard? Communication is so difficult!
It is not the stalker, but my feelings about being stalked. I was worried, I did not like it, I perceived it as an invasion, I was in two minds about how to deal with it, I was afraid. Surely this is not so different from what women might feel about unwelcome attention of any kind, including those PMs?

I have no influence on the OP. She has that choice no matter what I say. If you read my posts in this thread, you will see that I took no options away from the OP. I simply used that post as a starting point for a more general point of principle.

Let me reiterate. The options are:
(1) Ignore the PM.
(2) Respond to the PM to say, ‘hey please don’t write to me, I don’t like it’.
(3) Block the offender.
(4) Complain to the mods.
(5) In the case of an egregious offense, bring it up in the open forum (as a warning to the community perhaps?), but straight out.
To say that “someone on this thread did something” when there are only five (?) male responders is a bit coy, a low integrity salvo, conveying little beyond innuendo. I do not blame the OP. She is new. I was arguing a more general case.

Let me see if I can clarify:
IL is not a dating site. Neither is a research institute. Both venues have proscriptions against certain types of ‘romance’ – but they do intrude. One cannot legislate them away.

Did I say ‘tolerate silently’? I am all for ‘taking out the trash’. I have emphasized that repeatedly, unambiguously.

My plea is just this: An unsolicited PM is not by itself an assault. Take into account the content. A post by a man on, say, some ‘intimate’ thread is not itself objectionable. Consider the content. I have an acquaintance whose wife died of cervical cancer. In trying to get her the best treatment, he sought help in India, Europe, Australia and the US. He had the resources to do it. That made him something of an ‘expert’. I would like it if there was room for him to send a PM, or post in the thread, rather than saying guys please don’t respond to those threads.

I do not know a single person on IL in real life. In my three and a half years on IL, I have corresponded with many members, but initiated only two PMs (excluding those to the mods). Both were offers of financial assistance to the OPs to finish certification tests and whatnot to free themselves from paralyzing situations. I was very distressed to read those stories. Neither took me up. Now I shudder at the very thought – I would not dare send that PM again.

 

Vibha,
I don’t think I managed to convey to you what I was trying to say. For situation-one, see post above. For situation two, I put that “bitterly” in quotes to emphasize how vehement she was in opposition, but he won her over eventually. Yes, IL is not a dating site, but I do not find it so far-fetched to imagine that some two people may connect in spite of all the rules.

As for the rest of it, I simply have a different view. I don’t think you are in any real danger. I think IL cannot be designed to be much safer. No personal info need be revealed that is not under your own control.

Please read my posts in this thread. Nowhere have I advocated tolerating bad behavior. “Consider the content” of PMs & posts first is all I ask. Let men post (or PM) on any thread would be my preference, but of course, I am simply arguing a principle, for a vision of a more ‘empowered Indian woman’. I know women in India who have refused pap-smears out of ‘modesty’, risking cancer – so I know & accept that no matter what my ‘vison’ I have no real influence!

Men's fitness & automobiles, eh? You are missing the irony here. I will let one of the ladies point it out!

I have zero presence on the web. I do not use any social-media whatsoever. IL was an exception because the stories struck a chord. It is the best site with an Indian flavor that I know – all credit to Malathy. Having said that, I don’t need something else to fill a void, I can simply let it go!

 

I am an empiricist. Let me stick my neck out and propose an experiment, setting clear criteria for what I am trying to say. This would make a good undergrad or master’s thesis ‘Big Data’ project for someone, if they can work with Malathy to get the data. I am serious. I know a recent grad who just finished an MS thesis at a top-tier university analyzing cuss-word patterns on twitter!

Hypothesis:
(1) Nasty PMs from men are infrequent on IL in relation to the overall activity.
(2) The offenders are an extremely small minority of male posters – small enough to be irrelevant.
(3) There is no spillover into real life from these PMs, (or posts) no damage. The idiots are irritants, not dangers.
(4) Forum trolls cannot be avoided. That is a weakness of social-media. IL is as safe as it is possible for a social-media website to be (barring very minor tweaks). Any effort to make it “safer” is likely to decrease participation.

Experiment:
Analyze the data (past or future).
Posters can send PMs only if they make 10 posts in a month (I think?). So there is a public record and a private record (PMs) of activity & reports to mods. Track repeat offenders via the IP.
How many men are on IL?
How often do they post?
How often on ‘intimate’ threads?
What proportion of male members post on these threads?
What proportion of such posts is objectionable, devoid of useful content?
How many PMs do men exchange?
How many PMs do men initiate?
How many reports to the mods of ‘unsavory’ PMs?
What is the content?
How many men have been banned for objectionable PMs (especially of a prurient nature)? (Ignore political views and the like for now.)
How many cases of spill-overs from IL into real-life? (This data is hard to get & verify).

I can imagine safety features on IL – requiring real names to register, PayPal like verification, allowing only verified women and so on. They will all turn people off. IL safety features are sound.

One can imagine other basic stats – it’s fairly straightforward.
I am willing to do the analysis, if Malathy can allow me access to appropriately anonymized data. If it turns out that distasteful PMs from men are a major problem (using standard statistical criteria) I will shut up.

Well, I am already shutting up (just not fast enough, I guess!)

 

Coolwinds, Vibha:
Let’s stop this discussion OK? Please don’t feel that I am trying to have the last word. That’s not it. Since you addressed me directly, I wanted to respond and not ignore you. Plus I already alluded to my weakness. I always feel as if a clearer thought is just around the corner. As a scientist, this conceit is useful when the universe fights back in my efforts to decode it, but here it may be a liability. Imagine me saying: “Please, please, lock up those salted caramels! I have eaten a whole box already! Keep me away from temptation (of responding)!” :rotfl

What a long goodbye this is!
What better way for guy to leave than that famous scene from the Godfather!
Sorry to inflict all these posts upon you!
:hide:

 

SN, even the above post talks about "romance"(as quoted by you) whereas we are talking about abusive remarks...no parallel there. I do find it far fetched for two people to connect when a married woman comes with a problem here and gets hit on...Can you gaurantee that in the case you have mentioned that the outcome would always be positive? What if it turns into a drastic ending?

I am not saying that what you ask here is wrong but i was coming from a totally different direction. I wanted men/women not to hit on new comers and try to gauge the situation in which other person is and better yet ask for permission. Not everybody is comfortable with the level of empowerment you mention. Having brought up in India where lots of things are considered taboo for discussion, it is not easy for women to see men in certain topics. It takes time and worldly exposure to build it. No body has influence on other person's choices. We can only suggest and hope on.

That suggestion was because you felt that there is no leverage for you in this website and i am saying that there are ways to show your presence. There is no irony here sir. Either one has a way and patience to present his/her views even in a women oriented site and stays on or jumps onto other threads or sites. Just because your view was opposed by thousand others who responded does not mean that the other lakhs pf people who read but do not respond disagree with you. Irrespective of some people's opinion being a man is not a discredit here but being insensitive is(I am not saying you are)!!

 

no problem. i have a thick skin that way. i appreciate that you responded, but i have points to share. in your own experience with the stalker, it was clear that giving the benefit of the doubt while the other person is ramping up their responses and escalating the situation really did not work.

another is approaching a problem with the wrong set of tools. i understand you are a cerebral person and view problem solving through the lens of a scientist. but please understand, a woman knows what she is reading in that PM she received. i do feel it is a tad condescending to advice her on the different ways in which to recognize and classify a PM!

also, please do not mistake the 5 or so men (alluded above) are like you in their thought and reason for being here. there is a clear pattern that one male member, in particular, has demonstrated in his posting, banning and assuming a new id history. it creates a bad atmosphere, causes animosity and mistrust. to that person, your words are a defense even if that is not your intent.

lastly, the smartest people i know went to grad school. and the smartest people i know NEVER attended grad school. plenty of street smart cred even if they never did an empirical observation ever!

stick around. we need people like you to balance out the idiots that keep wanting to come back.

 

Now we have to keep this thread alive if it can get you back.

 

I haven't read all the posts in this thread, but as long as the title goes, I don't think it should be that way.

We need male perspective on several issues, we are incomplete without them and vice versa.

I have myself received some amazing input from some wonderful men here on this forum on my personal problems.

I think their input is invaluable.

I agree some men here are predators, but just ignore those ones, they get thrown away anyway after some time. I too have been a victim of such people, just don't give a toffee to such members.

There was once a thread started by a new female member on her very complicated marriage problem, there were so many views and no reply, I too read the thread, but did not know what to reply. The poor lady was desperately seeking help, but there was no reply.

Then the next day I saw SOKANASANAH had taken out time and done a detailed analysis of her problem and had given her the much needed advice. I think she was quite pepped up and relieved after that.I was really impressed with his wisdom, and his ability to look at the issue from a female's point of view.

So you see OP, not all men are the same.