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Another Instance of Evil Daughter-in-law

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by varalotti, Apr 14, 2006.

  1. ennaye

    ennaye Silver IL'ite

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    Glad to read your post.

    How correct it is. One should be able to handle one's own responsibilities and not depend on Grandparents of either side.

    Grandparents are great for the grandchildren, but age , health and other problems do make it difficult for them to take on childrearing responsibilities in their old age.

    I think 'evil' is a very strong word for the thread.
     
  2. ShardaSuresh

    ShardaSuresh Bronze IL'ite

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    Great Post,

    I am a career woman who is also a mother of 2 teenage daughters. My husband though always supported my career was very clear that it is the parents responsibilities to take care of kids. My in-laws and parents watch the kids only when they want to spend quality time with them. At all other times my dh and I make adjustments to our schedules to fit the needs of our kids.

    Initially I stayed at home and as my daughters grew more independent I started focusing on my career. However today I am faced with a slightly different dilemma. While I tell my girls that they have to study hard and become successful career woman. I am not telling them much about the duties of a good mother.

    Many years from now my daughters can ask me 'It was your idea that we do well in academics and pursue a career, now you have to contribute in raising grand kids as we pursue our career'.

    I don't think I will have an answer for that and maybe I too will become a Malathi then. :)
     
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  3. VidyaaJ

    VidyaaJ Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Varalotti Sir,

    Iam very young for MIL and though I am a DIL, I still feel I am too young to write here...however, I would like write here in my own perspective..where I see the evil in the DIL not just coz she leaves Malathy in such a helpless situation but also she has left her own child away from getting the love and affection which is ofcourse the childs right....

    My Mom lives with me now and she is in her late forties. Everyone in my family even my MOM suggesting me to conceive now as my Mom can take care of the child and to my surprise my MIL (who is working) is ready to leave her job, come out of her native and stay with me to take care of my child... I feel I am blessed....

    I wanted to share a real instance.... In one of our family friends house, that aunty's daughter who is working in a software concern has a 8 months old child... and she wants to continue her job now..but that aunt is not that fit to take care of the child... her MIL is out of town and she doesnt want to take the responsibility...So, the girl arranged for a servant-maid who would come to her Mom's house to look after the child under her Mom's supervision... What happened was, the child became so close to the Servant maid than to its mother...On the other day, the child was admitted in a hospital for some illlness and we went to visit them in the hospital... The scene I saw there shocked me, the baby was lying in the bed hugging the servant who laid next to the child in the same bed(both the child and the servant were sleeping) and the baby's mother was sitting in a chair near by looking after that with no choice....

    I was already brought up in a way where I would definetely not support these kind of attitude of leaving the child and the husband just for the sake of carrier , though I am very strong in my own carrier path. And after seeing that incident I became too striong in my point and decided that I would never allow any second thoughts in my mind.

    What I feel is when I am a mother, it is my responsibility to take care of my child inspite of getting help from MIL and Mom...If not I will wait to get a child till I can afford my time to my child...

    If Malathy's DIL has got a job in the local place then that is a totally different story... But in this scenario, I fell she should have objected the offer and should have looked for some other local job in Chennai itself (even though the job may not be so attractive as the job in the US), managing to look after her child with the help of Malathy...

    Not sure if I have poured in my thoughts what you asked for... But this is what came into my mind when I read it..May be becoz I am not in Malathy's age group...

    Love,
    Vidyaa
     
  4. ennaye

    ennaye Silver IL'ite

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    VidyaaJ,

    This is indeed a very strange case of the child getting so attached to the servant. But then yes children bond so with the person they are closest to.

    I have seen cases where the children get so attached to their nannies that it becomes an emotional problem if the nanny has to leave for some reason.
     
  5. scorpiogal

    scorpiogal Senior IL'ite

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    I would blame the Son and DIl first for this decision .They can have good career no harm .But its not the parents responsibilty to take care of the Grand Children .

    Secondly I blame the Father as weel as why is he agreeing to his son's request to take care of the grand child when has has bigger responsibilty of taking care of his mom.

    I feel bad for Mrs Malathi .But Why can't she say to her DIL ?

    I know My sister's MILon the other hand never lets my Sister to take care of her son she such control freak and wnats my sister to be money making machine as she is a Doctor and forced her to work and night and weekends when she was 8 months pregnant studying her masters in Chennai and she had to work in clinic from 5 to 9 to cover her costs for her food and accomadation in her in laws place and when her DH was making a fortune in medical college as a professor and she would say that Her son should not go for private practice as he will be tired and DIL should go who private practise and go and spend the night in Hospital because they pay more and come back home and help with the chores working 24*7 I am not exagurating these things happened to my dear sis who is now a leading Doctor in Chennai and she is still going through this hell life with the so called Mother (monster in law ) in Law .


    So I guess People should know their limits and responsibities and be fari to veryone whether is DIL or MIL being exploited in the family
     
  6. MrsV

    MrsV Bronze IL'ite

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    It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into this world.. even though the primary caregiver is always the mother, when there is a father in the picture, he should also assume responsibility in raising his child (male or female).

    Malathi's DIL and son must have talked things about her going back to work.. and if her son is supportive in his wife getting back to work after a child, he must work out his schedule to make sure that there is someone to take care of his child.. and its quite crazy that you would just pass your child onto your parents.

    And why is the daughter in law evil?? Is it because she is a professional woman - she went to school and got a Masters degree and now that she has a kid, she has to drop her ambitions and career. Why isn't the father involved?? Our society is so harsh on the women.. it is terrible!!
     
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  7. vidhkarthik

    vidhkarthik Bronze IL'ite

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    EVIL DIL. A very strong term indeed.
    I agree that kids are definitely a responsibility of the parents and what the couple did was very unfair. I don't deny that this is a bad situation and the couple was wrong in what they did. DEFINITELY WRONG.

    At the same time, I take objection to the subject...Another instance of EVIL DIL? Why cant it be another instance of EVIL COUPLE? If the husband/son had gone abroad for a 9 month assignment, am sure none of us would have even found it worth mentioning here..EVIL husband who left wife and mother alone to take care of kid and job. No. A husband is intelligent, smart..He can go abroad and do anything he wishes to boost his career. It is expected of him. He isn't evil if he does that leaving behind his responsibilities in the family. A DIL does that...then all hell breaks loose.

    The husband here SHOULD have clearly not asked his mom to bear the burden. He should have taken care of the child just like how his wife would have taken care if he were away for such extended periods of time. He failed to do so, he also failed to take a joint decision with his wife that this isn't the right time to go abroad. Having failed in both counts, I think the subject should be - EVIL SON/EVIL COUPLE. Definitely not EVIL DIL alone.

    Just my two cents.
     
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  8. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    I know I am posting here so long after the thread originally started. When I got married, my MIL asked me if I would let her keep my children (future) if we were to move away to any other place. I outright told her no. She thought I said that because she was my MIL and that I would allow my mother to keep them. I told her NO. Not even my mother will get my kids. Then I explained to her....if we had children its because we WANTED them. Not accidentally. Planned for them. I also explained to her that another reason was that both sets of parents had done their duty by raising us and that it was our responsibility now to make sure that we brought our kids up.

    One of the former posters had mentioned American women taking breaks from their careers to raise kids. In India there is this misconception that Americans are not as family oriented as Indians. I beg to differ. I have been here for 15 years and have seen many women either balancing work and life with a lot of help from their husbands or on the other hand taking a break from work. And here if your resume has a gap of 3-4 years, you can easily say that you took a break to be with family. Nobody looks down upon you. But there are a number of Indian women here who happily send kids to India to be raised by their parents, and also have the gall to complain that the kids are not being raised properly. Either you do the job or shut up when somebody else is doing it.
    Another situation is when both sets of parents takes turns to spend 6 months here to take care of the children. Recently a friend of mine called to say that she was expecting her second baby. Should have been a happy time for her. Unfortunately her parents actually asked her whether they HAD to come help. Her older sister is here and for the last 10 years, the parents have been here every 6 months for a spell of 6 months. They are tired and getting older. Living away from home is a jail sentence for parents. Even if they are living with their children...they are not free to move around on their own unless there is a great public transport system.

    My mother always says that she has no clue how her 2 daughters are so different from most of her friends daughters. We want parents to come live with us....but on vacation, to relax, see new places, and spend time with grand kids. Not to take care of them.

    Does anybody have an update on what this family has done? After all its been almost 5 years since it was posted.
     
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  9. anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    What is the role of Husband/Father in all this. He has no responsibility towards his offspring. Instead of dumping everything on his dear mother, he should support her more. no ?
     
  10. Kismet

    Kismet New IL'ite

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    They are in India. They don't sound destitute and poor- why don't they hire a nurse for the elderly lady and a nanny for the baby? Malathi can then be there for everyone, supervising, spending quality time.. Without the physical strain
     

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