Should I trust MIL with my baby ?

jigisha321 · Dec 29, 2013

Hi friends ,

I have an 11 months old baby and am currently in maternity leave. Currently I am staying abroad with my husband and baby.But,in a couple of months I am returning to India to join my job.My husband is staying back abroad for almost a year longer.In India, I am planning to entrust my DD in MIL's care but am worried about few things.

Till the baby was 5 months I was staying with my in-laws (post delivery) and husband was not in India. At that time my MIL was always trying to control how DD was to be handled. She also instigated my FIL against me and both of them had repeatedly faught with me and verbally abused me.They also complained against me to my husband(over phone) that I am too possessive about my baby. I literally fled from India to escape their daily tantrums.

But now I am in a serious dilemma.My husband is not ready to return to India with me until his assignment here is completed. I have to stay in India with my DD and in-laws. I really want to rejoin office as I have worked since last 7 years and sitting at home (that too with my bossy MIL) is like a nightmare.But should I TRUST my DD with my MIL ? In the past(from DD's birth to 5 months) if I had ever gone out from home, MIL has done things like:

1. Removing hand support from DD's neck when she was yet to gain neck control
2. Trying to potty train her at 2.5 months
3. Leaving DD alone in bed
4. Taking DD out without my permission
5. Leaving DD in wet cloth nappy while MIL was completing her evening puja.

I agree that no person can be 100% perfect in handling a baby but I am also scared of multiple lies told by both my MIL and FIL.Whenever they get caught doing something wrong, they tell lies to defend themselves.
Now the options which i have are :
1. Rejoin job and give second chance to in-laws.
2. Leave my job and be a stay-at-home mom. This will be extremely depressing for me as I have to tolerate my MIL's constant bossing and I also donot want to be financially dependent on my husband

What do I DO ? I am really confused.

PS: Cannot get help from my parents as my mother is no more and my Dad is Alzheimer's patient and is currently in a special care facility.
Cannot keep caretaker for DD as in-laws will not allow that.

simpleMom · Dec 29, 2013

I personally think it is a privilege and not a right to have grandparents care for the child. You want to go to work. You have your in-laws ready to take care of your child. There is no better situation for a working mother than what you have.

Another important consideration is you are going to be a single mother in India while your husband will stay abroad. You have no support from your parents. With this situation, it is a wise idea for you to adjust with your in-laws. Perhaps, your husband can talk to his parents.

If you don't want to deal with any of it, you can also stay where you are and come back to India with your husband.

CrayoNess · Dec 29, 2013

You can yourself choose what kind of caregiver you want to have for your baby. It can be tough for grandparents to take care of a baby fulltime. They have done their part of child rearing.

Is it possible for you to stay with your husband? Can you get a job there until your husband is able to join you back to India. It will also be hard for your baby to be apart from her father for such a long time.

oaktree12 · Dec 29, 2013

A child needs fathers affection too. If you are confident enough try for new job when your dh return to india. Take care of yourchild and enjoy the motherhood phase.

Evy123 · Dec 29, 2013

It's quite common ... They are an old generation and they tend to infuse wat they did years ago .. Potty training at 2.5 months isn't acceptable though !!! The rest may sound abnormal to us .,but for them it's the right thing .. If these issues seem big to u then don't rejoin... Stay back with ur DD.. And again they are ur DH grandparents .. They would certainly think what good and would to of her as they did their son ... So either try adjusting .. If u just couldn don't join .. Simple !! U can earn later .. Spend time with ur DD ...

Onegoodlife · Dec 30, 2013

Potty training at 2.5 months? I think ur mil should be given an award

Ansuya · Dec 30, 2013

Onegoodlife said: ↑

Potty training at 2.5 months? I think ur mil should be given an award
Click to expand...

Or reported to Child Protection Services.

OP, I wouldn't leave my dog with someone like that. And I don't even like dogs.

Make the right decision for your child, even if it is "inconvenient" for you. If these are the things she does when you are in a position to observe her, what will go on when you are away at work?

Rihana · Dec 30, 2013

jigisha321 said: ↑

In the past(from DD's birth to 5 months) if I had ever gone out from home, MIL has done things like:

1. Removing hand support from DD's neck when she was yet to gain neck control
2. Trying to potty train her at 2.5 months
3. Leaving DD alone in bed
4. Taking DD out without my permission
5. Leaving DD in wet cloth nappy while MIL was completing her evening puja.
Click to expand...

It is natural and right for you to be concerned about these, but, quite a few of that generation would do this. That does not totally justify it, but gives some perspective.

Given that you have a job that lets you take so much maternity leave, and you are not very keen to stay at home, and SAH will mean live with in-laws, I would suggest you rejoin your job.

Maybe hiring a nanny/caretaker to help your MIL won't be so hard - 1 year olds can be lot of work.

About the potty-training thing - it is not so horrifying as it seems. I've seen some people try that - at times when the baby usually goes pee-pee, they hold the baby over a sink or other area. In a few days, some babies do learn to go pee pee when held like that. Babies will protest if they are forced to do anything that hurts them. In India, when disposable diapers were a rarity, and cloth diapers had to be hand-washed and sun-dried, it made sense to get over need of diapers faster.

Ideally, your MIL should not try that if you do not approve of it. It is going to be difficult for you to enforce your wishes. Even more so, since with DH away, you are totally dependent on them for help with the baby.

But overall, you would be better off going back to work. Or, try going back and quit only if it doesn't work out. Hopefully by then, there will be only few months before your DH returns. A bigger worry would be that your DH's assignment gets extended indefinitely.

Frontier · Dec 30, 2013

Wow, why do people always like to drag in dogs while discussing human behaviors.

JustAnotherMom · Dec 30, 2013

Rihana said: ↑

About the potty-training thing - it is not so horrifying as it seems. I've seen some people try that - at times when the baby usually goes pee-pee, they hold the baby over a sink or other area. In a few days, some babies do learn to go pee pee when held like that. Babies will protest if they are forced to do anything that hurts them. In India, when disposable diapers were a rarity, and cloth diapers had to be hand-washed and sun-dried, it made sense to get over need of diapers faster.
Click to expand...

My mom has done with this my daughter and it really works.. When my daughter was around 3 or 4 months, mom put a rubber sheet in varanda ( patio)and put cocount oil all over her body and my dad and mom will talk and play with my daughter and eventually she will be doing her pooping and peeing ( they hold the legs up ) and she was trained that way.

For peeing, like Rihana said , they used to hod her in the bathroom and put a few drops of water on her and she used to pee right away.

I did not find anything wrong there. Maybe coz it was my mom who was doing that.