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please save my marriage. Need help. urgent!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by moumee, Nov 22, 2013.

  1. sumalynux

    sumalynux IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP

    I have two suggestions, choose what suits best to your situation..

    1. IF you know he loves you, he is a good person, and been a good husband all along..
    and there is some unknown reason making him behave this way...

    You said hes not ready to even talk/discuss with you.. Write a Longgg detailed mail
    where letter completely talks about how much you love him, how happy
    you guys are, and explain every couple has fights/misunderstanding, explain IF HE
    can point the exact reason for divorce, you Can try to work on it to save marriage.
    Tell him you have no ego, and do your best to save marriage.. List out all points
    that you appreciate in him, and also points of yours he used to appreciate...
    Explain him even divorce is not very easy and IF he is really clear about
    getting divorce, you wont give him easy divorce unless he gives valid
    reason for divorce (so you can know his reasons). Ask what is his plans
    SAY IF you give him divorce..... (So you will know his real motive/plans)

    (I FEEL WRITING IS BEST COMMUNICATION, when person is not
    even willing to sit and discuss and see others point of view)

    2. I support/suggest Divorce only for below reasons.
    a. Physical assault
    b. Mental harassment
    c. Extra marital relationship
    d. Fights every minute and person is NEVER ready to work on marriage.
    e. Person simply doesn't love you, and is adamant to divorce.

    If you feel he is none above, and loves you/good person, i suggest
    leave all your ego, and try your best to get him back..

    My granny always used to say "Loose and win".
    You are loosing your ego but winning something more precious.

    You are best judge of your life...All the best.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2013
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  2. moumee

    moumee New IL'ite

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    Dear friends,
    i was away from the forum for the last couple of days as i was extremely unwell. thank you so much for the response. i'm overwhelmed! telling you my story once again. forgive me if it becomes a little long winded..

    Dont to know where to begin, hence beginning from the beginning. You know that my husband made all the arrangements for my visit to Mexico. When he visited India in August, he promised me the sun and the moons. i even went to Delhi with him when he went there for his Visa processing. Met his family and his friends there. Everything was normal. To everyone he said that i'll be shortly joining him in Mexico. After he reached Mexico he called me almost everyday and shared with me everything that was happening here. i was the only one he used to talk to or share things with. He did not talk to anyone else, not even his family and i was his only link between him and his as well as my family. Everyday he spoke to me about my visit to Mexico and how much he was looking forward to it. He promised me several things, like i'll take you to this restaurant you'll love the food there. or there is a place called Argentina, the music is very good and food is also tasty. i'll take you to this beach, that place etc etc etc. everyday he made a new promise and i dreamt and hoped a little more.Even on the day of my departure, he said the same things and said come here with as less things as possible. i'll buy you everything that you need here.


    i trusted every word that he said . i did not care about my promotion, worked day and night so that my leaves could be granted. made many compromises. left my country, job and people just to be with him for some months. my DH knew about all the problems that i had faced to get these leaves. All this while he kept promising me good things. And i trusted his each and every word.


    i reached here on Thursday night. he had come to the airport to pick me. He hugged me and kissed me when he saw me. said 'welcome my love' . i was overjoyed.We reached home, that day he cooked for me. We made love that night. Afterwords i happily slept in his arms. The next day he came back from office at 2 pm and took me out for lunch. in the morning i cleaned his house which was in a mess and turned it from a house to a home all the while anticipating and looking forward to a good time with him. My DH took me out for lunch then he took me to walmart to shop for some household stuff and food items as he wanted to make sure that i have everything that need for cooking etc here. that night too he kissed me several times, told me that he loves me and made love to me.


    Next day was saturday, my DH took me out for coffee in the sun as it was very cold here. he asked me to start cooking from Monday and asked me to take it easy in the weekend. I was very happy. he was kind, considerate and loving. in these three days he called me 'my love' and said i love you to me many times. That day he took me to downtown. We returned home around 10. After that he suddenly became very quite. i asked him lovingly that what happened? he did not say anything and just went and sat in the drawing room with alcohol. i again tried asking ( i did not fight, just talked to him ) he suddenly said that he doesnt want to live like normal indian couple and wants a divorce. He said i want you to go back immediately. he said a lot of hurtful things. i cried, begged, tried to ask..understand ..explain. but he did not listen. i said lets sleep we will talk about it tomorrow. At night when we were sleeping he tried getting close and making love to me twice.


    In the morning when i tried to talk to him. he said he finds me attractive and obviously and involuntarily he tried getting close to me at night. he also said that he loves me but still wants a divorce. When you ask your spouse for a divorce, you give them some concrete reasons right? He gave me none. We went out to the sunday market nearby and on the way home i again tried talking calmly and lovingly to him regarding this problem. I also suggested counselling. He flatly refused. He was adamant on a divorce and on sending me back to India immediately.


    When we reached home he became violent, screaming, shouting, hitting himself, throwing things. in a fit of rage he had even broken his mobile phone. Two days of travel, jet lag and mental torture was too much for me. i told him to stop, told him that i'm having intense chest pain but he did not stop. he kept on shouting at me and insulting me. he did not give me even a single reason . He kept on saying like last year that it is not your fault, i have changed . i dont want you or this marriage anymore thats why i want you to leave immediately. i said, and what about my life. He replied i dont know, i just know that if you go away it will make me happy and may be eventually some day you'll also become happy. i said what about all the promises that you made. he said i'm breaking all of them. i said why did you not tell this before i came here? i left everything to be with you. i saw so many dreams, so many hopes. doesnt my life, my dreams and hopes mean anything to you? he said no. i was so devastated and my chest was paining so badly that i fainted. Dont remember much of the rest of the day as i fainted quite a few times, and was on bed without food or anything else. in the morning i was admitted in emergency, the doctors ran a battery of tests. they said that there was a chest inflammation and advised complete rest and no stress for 10 days.


    My DH brought me home but did not talk to me even for two minutes after that. one day when i tried talking to him, about general things and not about our marriage, he still became violent. told me a lot of hurtful things, insulted me and said if 'i was in your place i would take my self respect and leave immediately'. All this when i was discharged from hospital only one day back and the doctor said do not stress her.


    The next evening the indian families in our apartment had kept a small party in honour of me and my dh ( as i was the latest person to join the apartment and they wanted to make me feel welcome). My DH said he cant leave office before 10, and that i should go alone. i went alone. All his colleagues were there only he was not there. some of his friends asked me why is he returning so late everyday. They said ' Aapke aane se pehle to roz jaldi aa jata tha, aane ke baad gym jaata that, salsa jaata tha.. aajkal 11 baje lauta hai?? kya baat hai?' i did not have any answer to their questions. My husband reached around 10.30 came to the party but did not speak with anyone. People tried talking to him but he kept making excuses. Sometime later people started dancing. He refused. everyone was surprised and said ' pehle to tum bahut dance karte the, biwi se darr rahe ho kya?'


    Every night he comes back home and drinks till 3 AM in the morning. He doesnt talk to me, doesnt even look at me. He treats me like some animal with plague. i cry everyday when he is not at home. i feel terribly sad and lonely. He had promised me that he'll get a cable connection when i come here. he promised me a gym membership among a lot of other promises, but he did not keep any. Whole day i am alone in this house without TV, without phone . He never asks me how i am or what did i do the whole day. i know i should go away, but i love him so much that i'm unable to make myself leave him.


    Just imagine, if you ever call someone at your home to stay with you for somedays, will you not be atleast civil with him when he comes? will you not talk to him once in a while? will you ignore him and insult him all the time?


    On saturday evening his boss, was supposed to come around 8. My DH told me about it around 5.30 then suddenly left home without telling me where he is going. i thought he must have gone somewhere near. 8.. 8.30.. 9 pm he did not return back. Suddenly his boss came around 9. i had never met him before. i invited him inside. he asked where is my husband, he had called my husband many times before coming over but he did not pick his call. i called my DH several times, but he did not take my calls as well. After sometime his boss left. My husband knew that his boss is supposed to come still he was not at home, neither did he receive our calls. i don't know where or with whom he was. he returned back at 10 and as usual started drinking.


    I'm unable to decide what to do. My DH treats me so unkindly and insensitively everyday that i cry everyday. ok so he does not feel love for me, fine, what about gratitude? what about commitment? everyday when he looks at himself in the mirror can he not see everything that i have done for him? From shirt to trousers to shoes everything that he wears i have bought for him. i used to buy all these for him with so much love without ever asking him anything in return. i have worked on his speeches, his applications. have bought flight tickets and done hotel reservations for him for all his competitions (his hobbies). In return of all these things, all my love, compromises and sacrifice this is what he is giving to me?? How can he do this? Even if an animal lives with you for three years they get attached to you, then how did my husband not get attached? i'm an attractive, intelligent, independent girl, i'm in every way his equal then why is he bent on ending this?



    last year he returned back home after a similar divorce episode, he said he was sorry. he said he realised his mistake. He had promised me that he had done a very very big mistake and that he will never repeat the word divorce again in his life. He begged for forgiveness and in one day's time i had forgiven him and welcomed back into our house. inspite of all the hurt, insult and pain i forgave him. he promised me over and over again that he will never mention divorce again, but like every other promise he made, he broke this one too..


    Who gave him the right to play with my life like this? My emotions, my love, my dreams, my hope does not count? Am i not a human being? Am i some kind of a doll who can be played with used as and when you want and then throw away without any care? If he had to do this then why did he marry me? Why did he come back last year?? I am so hurt, pained and broken that i cant even tell you.


    Honestly speaking, can he really be trusted? First he wanted to marry me by hook or crook ( i told him many times then, that think properly, give it some time) but he was so sure he took a decision. Then last year without any proper reason he wanted a divorce. He gain took a decision and he even left our home, then came back in a week. Apologised for his behaviour and asked for forgiveness. He again took a a decision to live with me and never to talk about divorce again.
    Now suddenly after asking me to come and stay with him, after my arrival here and after two days of love and romance he again wants a divorce without any proper reason. Can he be trusted with his decisions?


    he told me today, that i'm selfish. that if i would have really loved him then i would have left him and given a divorce unselfishly so that he can be happy. Do you really think i'm the one who is selfish here?? i gave everything to him, kept in mind all his needs. i often kept my needs in the back seat and ensured he has everything starting from clothes to laptops to phones to his friends, to his space, his career, to all his hobbies and he says that i am selfish? he left me last year, humiliated me then came back i forgave him . took him back in our home in my life with all the love of a wife, and he's calling me selfish? And he is not being selfish by asking me to give up my marriage? my love ? my dreams that he had shown me? my hopes that he had given me? He is destroying my life and calling me selfish?


    am i selfish?? Do i deserve this? Does he have a right to destroy my life like this? Am i a use-and-throw object ? Is marriage a disposable relationship ? you can use it when you want and throw it when you want without giving any damn to your partners feelings??


    if i eventually have to leave him and grant him a divorce i'll do that. i'll not look back at him even if it kills me. But before i go away i want to give this one last chance. i'm here for one more month and i want to utilize this time to make this work. Please do share with me anything that comes to your mind.. if possible plz help me save my marriage.




     
  3. FE40

    FE40 Silver IL'ite

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    Seems like he is a immature person. I think you should have known the reason for him behaviour by now. Do you have any common friends? Or any of his close friend to whom you can ask about his behaviour in office and other places?
     
  4. Priya4oct

    Priya4oct Gold IL'ite

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    I feel after reading your story, he wants to go back on bachelor life. He might have impression that bachelor life is better than married life. Lot of freedom.... or might be impressed with his colleague/ friends who are not married and their life style
     
  5. lucky22

    lucky22 Gold IL'ite

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    And you still want to share the rest of your life with this uncommitted, selfish and uncaring person? OP, please think with your brain and not heart, hugs to you dear
     
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  6. simpleMom

    simpleMom Gold IL'ite

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    I want to suggest you do this

    1. Take your passport and visa papers
    2. Book a ticket back to India
    3. Throw his passport and visa papers in a river in Mexico

    Find closest rivers in Mexico here List of rivers of Mexico - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    4. Or file a case against him in Mexico (He became violent)
    5. Go back to your parents, find a job that you seem to have just left and restart life

    But you love him and want to give him another chance. So please ignore my suggestion.
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2013
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  7. moumee

    moumee New IL'ite

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    Simplemom and my2angels i loved your suggestion and believe me i laughed today.. after a long time :) i so wish i could do that..
    yes, i love him and cannot do this to him.. not that at times i don't want him to suffer. how i want that he suffers too that he too knows what pain and disillusionment is like.. i wish there was a pill that i could have and make all the love that i feel for him go away..
     
  8. simpleMom

    simpleMom Gold IL'ite

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    Most of the marriage agreements have condition that each is going to be a "good citizen". When this condition is violated, the agreement remains no longer valid.

    Please think about it.
     
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  9. Keet

    Keet Silver IL'ite

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    I unable to believe that still you dont know the reason why he behaves like this. If he is not talking anything ok you wont be able to know. But when he fights for hours together how he doesn't spill the reason. You say he insults you is that only "You go back, I want divorce". Is he telling only this for so many hours?

    Looks like he has decided about divorce even before you came here. May be he wants to talk to you here (not in India) since you have no support here?

    Or is he missing family life worried that you have to go away after couple of months?
     
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  10. moumee

    moumee New IL'ite

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    Dear Keet,
    strange as it may sound but he actually does not give me any reason other than ' i think we are too different, you are emotional where as i am very practical' or ' i have a lot of dreams' or ' i do not want a normal family life like "indians" do'.. it revolves around these lines only. When i ask what are your dreams that cannot be fulfilled inside our marriage.. he does not have an answer.
    I'm sure my going away after a few months is not the issue atall, as i was prepared to take a long leave-without-pay and stay with him for as long as he is here in Mexico.
    I have thought about his having an affair angle too.. but somehow instinctively i dont feel there is another woman involved...

    The more i think the more i get confused. Either my husband whom i love so much is a selfish person of the first order who does not value any persons love, feellings or emotions or he has some mental disorder that i'm unable to understand. i mean c'mon can any man throw away his marriage to a loving wife on the pretext of following his dreams?? And what are his dreams? to learn a few new languages, a few new dance forms and to get an MBA degree fro a good univ some day?? which of these can he not do by remaining married to me?? if anything i have only encouraged him in the past not only mentally and physically but financially as well... i feel betrayed and cheated.
     

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