Different Lives, Similar Stories

Dear Bharadwaj Thiru,

Thank you so much for responding. "Faith in Humanity should never die" - doesn't that say at all. Thank you once again for that lovely thought! It takes pages to write about something, but sometimes the essence of it all lies in something that is very, very basic.

 

OTB - the like is for taking the courage to share such a personal story with all of us. There are many on IL who might be hesitant to write about their experiences because of victim blaming or just worrying about the world - I believe that posts such as yours gives them a lot of hope. Sometimes, when someone disagrees with me or makes personal attacks on anonymous sites - I often get courage from the fact that there might be one person, to whom my post probably makes a difference. Maybe that person, because of a predicament, cannot talk about it.

Your post did bring back a lot of memories. I was talking to a friend of mine and we were trying to remember the age when we became very conscious of our bodies and she said 7, 8 - or even before. So many children experience abuse but they rarely realize that they are being abused. When I was 8 or 9 I was living with my grand-parents and often played with my neighbor's sons - who were 18 and 15. Their apartment had a swing and I always wanted to sit on it. One day the older son was forcing me to sit on his lap and I remember slapping him hard, I don't think I understood what I did then, but I still remember that I felt extremely uncomfortable.

He complained to his mother, who was a very nice lady. Herself a mother of two daughters, she told her son that he should not try to do something when the other person is uncomfortable with it. I came home and I don't know if that discussion changed anything. But this was someone who I knew since I was 3 and tied Rakhi too. We are grown up now, but each time I see him I remember that moment when I felt extremely uncomfortable, I never spoke to him after that and I think a lot of times I would hide when I saw him. Your post reminded me of that day and it pains to think how many more must have had similar experiences.

My heart goes out more to males, because patriarchy ensures that men don't talk about such experiences. They are supposed to be strong and bear everything, some others, confuse it and think that maybe if this happened to them - it means they are weak and not masculine. I hope your brother has overcome it or finds the strength to overcome this.

You touched upon human resilience - I totally believe in the power of resilience. I was watching a video on Syria the other day and the message was about all the "wonderful work" that the UN was doing there - providing, food, clothing and shelter. However, the person that had made the documentary said that it is not the aid workers that are depicting courage but the actual people who live these experiences and try to survive that are courageous.

A friend of mine told me that this girl is determined to go back to work and get her life back together because she feels that would be the ultimate justice for her and show her rapists that they have not killed her spirit.

Sending your brother and you lots of positive thoughts.

 

Dear SGBV,

I don't think only journalists can write powerfully, there are many good writers here on IL so I don't think I am deserving of such patronizing comments. I actually read your post more than once just to make sure that I could understand your thoughts, and my apologies if I have misunderstood you. I hope you will also take my response to your post in kind spirit and try to look at it in the bigger picture.

Thank you for providing such detailed information about some of the women friendly services that exist in Sri Lanka for women. I should in fact thank you again for your post encouraged me to do some of my own research to find out if India has a gender and violence unit - actually it does not. We have a women and child welfare department, and national and state level commissions for women but as far as I tried to find I could not find anything that works specifically to target gender based violence. Also I am extremely pleased to know that you have the SAFE program in Sri Lanka and that everyone has to get the training. Again none of these exist in India. Going by that itself - it shows that as far as India is concerned we have a really long way to go.

Maybe to start with India has to have a department dedicated to working with sexual assault survivors, like Sri Lanka has. Also maybe SAFE training program - like in Sri Lanka - should become mandatory in India as well - probably that way we could become more sensitive to sexual assault survivors. While I agree with you that SAFE programs would not ensure that rape gets reduced, but in countries like India - where working on prevention is going to take ages at least, providing survivors with better resources would be a good idea. Despite the existence of SAFE and SART in the United States, rape still occur here and like in most other countries - Rape is still the most under-reported crime here as well.

Coming to the rights of the media, I am not aware of the laws in Sri Lanka, however, in the United States - survivors can choose if the they want to stay anonymous or if they want to speak out. For instance, one of my clients last year, was a survivor of Human trafficking, domestic violence and sexual assault. However, she was able to make use of some government services. In the United States if you are a survivor of sexual assault you get special scholarships. My client won this scholarship and works as a nursing assistant now and has been able to make a better life for herself. This despite coming from another country and not knowing English. She wanted to give an interview to the newspaper so that others could be inspired by her story and also be aware of the services that the government provides. However, understandbly, not everyone wants to do that and at least in the US there are very strict laws for the same. Sadly these are non-existent in India. To make matters worse - these days the Indian media is interviewing extremely ridiculous politicians for comments only to make headlines. Numerous people read these headlines and start blaming the victim.

Well just like nurses and pilots, even journalists have night shifts. Not sure how it works in Sri Lanka, but in India all daily newspapers are sent to print at 3 in the night and reporters turn in their stories by 8 after which it is edited and printed. Women that choose to be reporters do not have the luxury to choose between day and night shifts, because if for a particular story you want to interview someone and they call you at 4 in the noon and make you wait till 8, then you don't have much of a choice. Also some women decide to become sub editors so that they don't have to travel around and can have a desk job - but in that case too since papers are designed and edited in night, they have to take up night shift. The only suggestion that I could think of is probably, that women quit being journalists all together. And I know that you are certainly not suggesting the same.

I understand that you have a certain outlook towards life and I have a different outlook towards life. I respect your decision, but at the same time I know that there are many women like me who have a different outlook towards life and who like to enjoy certain freedoms. I believe that since India is an independent country, women have certain rights and should be able to enjoy it just like men. I don't think the question here is about exercising common sense. Everybody takes precaution in their own way, but if a rapist has to find you and hunt you down, they will do it irrespective of where you are and what you do. I have given the example of feeling extremely unsafe during a day time assignment, when I was with a celebrity. I would like to think that I was lucky in that context and maybe another girl some other time, would not have been as lucky.

Also I did not quit my job, because I was not raised to think that because I am a girl there were certain things that I could not do. However, I was always taught there were would be jerks and rather than being scared of them fight them. I am not saying literally fight them but the best way to fight jerks and their thought process is by not bending to them. I am not in a better paid position today, I don't think that when I was working I was worried if I said no to a night assignment I would get sacked or I would not find another job. I just wanted to do my job.
I am happy as long as I was working as a journalist I did the job best I could do, despite the existing barriers.

Statistics released by Praja Foundation, a non-partisan city-based organisation, show a 15 per cent rise in the number of rape cases in 2010-11, in comparison to 2011-12. Cases of molestation in the same period have risen by 14 per cent. Mumbai police have registered 207 cases of rape and 552 cases of molestation in 2011-12. Also, 430 cases were registered in 2011 under IPC section 509, for outraging the modesty of women.

In most cases, unlike, the Delhi and the Mumbai rape - rape is most often committed by non-strangers and the victim in most cases knows the abuser. Also the above numbers like the ones you quoted should be taken with a pinch of salt, because as you must be knowing rape remains the most under-reported crime.

Also my argument is that rather than women worry about spaces being safe, why not create more spaces because women, at least most that I know of take extreme precautions such as noting the number of cab they take home, carry pepper spray, safety pin, go accompanied by male members. So when women are already taking that effort, yet the crime is not being curbed, why not do something to stop the crime.

Another thing is that rape occurs all over India and I am concerned about all over the country and not just in the city that I grew up in, or happened to a woman of my profession. Yes it is a long way to see a social change, but every change has to begin somewhere.

The problem I have with the argument that women are not using common sense and trying to be safe is, that we talk about better policing and stringent laws but this very "common sense" is used as an excuse by investigating law officers. A newspaper called Tehelka did an expose on the mentality of cops that were registering sexual assault complaints and they found that most of the cops blamed the victim. That is why, I think, unlike Sri Lanka, where it seems from your account better services exist, this mentality of questioning why the victim was not cautious is extremely harmful.

Change has to begin somewhere and let this be the moment, according to me.

 

Dear Satchi,

I took the day off because I wanted to process the discussion we had and also your post. I am more than willing to support any moment that focuses on justice for victims. That being said, I think Anusuya has mentioned this somewhere and she has done a great job of explaining why just "passing stricter legislation won't help." I am going to by the limb, and assume that at least each one of us that is posting here has to remember that we are operating from a privileged place - that of never having experienced rape. Also bringing about big scale changes in India, means getting continuously stuck in red tape.

I am sure there are many non-profits already doing a lot of work, maybe we can put our support behind organizations. To start with here is a change.org petition that till date has only 19 signatures, maybe we can get more support for this petition

http://www.change.org/en-IN/petitions/the-people-of-india-stop-victim-blaming-for-rape-cases

Another organization that I would ask people to support is the Forum Against Oppresion for Women, they are currently trying to pressurize police to take stricter action against two doctors that were accused of rape. Mathura too did not scream: Forum Against Oppression of Women | Kafila


When people indulge in victim blaming, we are only raping and re-traumatizing the victim again and again. I would say getting preventive action will take some time, but for now the immediate need is to focus on the rights of survivors. I think something on the lines of SART and SAFE is what is must have - because just maybe more victims will be enabled to seek services.

That being said, I am asking around if any of my friends know someone in the women's ministry so that we can have more progressive services for survivors and also swifter legislations like you said. But the change has to begin with ourselves - attack our own mentality that says that a victim did not use common sense - because while on the surface this thought does not look sinister but in the bigger context this thought is extremely harmful. Because this is what cops say, hospitals say and even Khap Panchayats say.

 

After writing this piece I was so exhausted, I actually wanted to lock myself in a room and not talk to anybody but sadly that is not possible for several reasons. There are days though, that I feel like this - I feel like I need to stop ranting, but then I read OTB's post and I said that I should not abandon this post and just maybe someone, somewhere might read it and feel that what happened to them was not because they did not exercise caution but because our system and society failed them.

As an intern, I was answering hotline calls one day and one of the callers was this lady who had been assaulted by a co-worker and she kept saying "I should have been more careful!" "Maybe something I said triggered it!" I felt so frustrated and despite me telling her "that it is not her fault" she was still battling with self-guilt and I asked her why she was feeling so? And she answered that when she discussed the same with her mother and a few girlfriends, they told her that it was her fault - she was not careful!

Yes, we need stronger legislations, but laws and policies are defined by the times we live in and reflect our society's values. So if everyone thinks that women ought to be cautious then the laws passed will reflect just that - they will focus on that and not on creating safer spaces for women.

That is a nice poem - but how old is your DD, while I appreciate the idea I do think she is too young maybe the language ought to be changed and made more child friendly. Someone quoted the Dalai Lama on facebook yesterday which made a lot of sense "Our prime purpose in life is to help others and if you cannot help them at least don't hurt them."

 

Dear Prana

I am glad that you read my post. I know that it is a bit too long, I tried to edit it a lot but then after a point I thought of posting it in its entirety. Yes my mom has inspired me a lot, but I think she got this from my grand-parents who had five sons and three daughters. My mom tells me that she never grew up thinking she could not do anything because she was a girl, because those values were passed down by my grand-parents who treated their sons and daughters the same way.

This does not mean that she did not warn me about miscreants - I think she made me capable of dealing with such situations because we can never predict such situations.

Thank you for your feedback again

 

Tehelka did a series on rape. They went undercover and interviewed cops, too to find out what they think about rape victims and not surprisingly enough - the talked to cops, the commissioner of NCW and even rape survivors. In fact Mamta Sharma, chairperson of NCW says that the first thing the NCW does when a survivor approaches them is to ensure an FIR is filed and they press for more legal action, counselling is provided only in special cases. I think counselling is crucial.

However, the most important or must read in the whole series is their interview with survivors. It might be graphic for some, but please if you can do read it - it throws a lot of light on what survivor's need.

‘You have to live with your violated body, you have to live with the memory of what was done to you’ | Nishita Jha