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IL's visit - a vent

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by EatPrayLove, Aug 6, 2013.

  1. EatPrayLove

    EatPrayLove Silver IL'ite

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    ALERT: VERY VERY LONG POST AHEAD!

    Well - as I have mentioned in my previous posts, IL's are here visiting us for 4 months.. Yesterday marked the completion of 1 month and it is only right that I get the venting done so I can gain some strength to face the next month..

    Good stuff: Let me start with the good part. I have zero responsibilities in house-hold chores. I don't wake up a minute earlier than I regularly do and when I get dressed, I have steaming hot coffee and breakfast waiting for me. We come home for lunch and royal treatment that time too. I try and cook dinner as many evenings as I can - but FIL comes in the way. I don't think he is inclined to eating my cooking, as he thinks I can only cook spicy stuff unlike MIL caters exactly to his taste buds. I am a good cook, and DH loves my cooking. On the evenings that I do get a chance to cook, MIL praises it without fail even on days it turns out ordinary. So I offer to cook and unless the resistance from FIL is too much that night, I go ahead and cook anyway. Otherwise I stick to washing dishes, cutting veggies and the odd stuff when I am around. Well, as much as DH loves n relishes his mom's cooking, I can tell that he misses mine. He has hinted at it a couple of times himself.

    We watch a couple of programs on TV during or after dinner, together. FIL always would wait until I am back from the kitchen before he turns the TV on. I am usually the last to leave the kitchen, finishing up dishes and getting some cleaning done so he always waits until I come to the living room and calls out for me, asking me to leave the dishes overnight and that he would get to it next morning (he actually does do the dishes during the day, as MIL is allergic to any kind of dishwashing liquid). all that is sweet of them. MIL has severe pain in the knee and while we watch TV i give her long hot water massages and apply eucalyptus oil - for which both IL's are really happy - they get all softened up at those times. I don't expect them to be, as I'd do the same thing even otherwise.

    When I am unwell, they take very very good care of me. Both of them pamper me, make sure I eat well, sleep well and that I am up and normal in very little time.

    Bad stuff: Now the bad stuff. You guys already know abt FIL's nosy nature. While I am kinda coming to terms with it, by either ignoring his questions pretending as though I didn't hear him or just ignoring incidents altogether for my own peace of mind. But still they do find ways to irritate me. And at times, they make me hate them with all my heart.

    Singing SIL's praise:
    I see that this is quite a common issue in every household from going through posts here. But there is no limit for them. ANY topic, being discussed, SIL somehow makes her way in it. How talented she is, how responsible she is, what an awesome mom she is, but how unlucky she is that she is not able to utilize her full potential at work due to family constraints, how only she has very good guy friends who are very decent and dignified, how she can sing well (when DH doesn't exactly praise my singing but even when he so much as mention about me singing something/anything) but let it go due to studies. I seriously get tired of it all - but this is the least of my problems.

    Frequent mood swings: All of a sudden, they go all silent and moody. When we come for lunch or from work, they'd be sitting on the couch just staring at each other. How many ever times DH asks them what it is they'd not say a work other than 'nothing, no we are normal'. I sometimes ask them, other times don't as I think it's plain attention seeking. They do it at least once in 2 days. And after a lot of cajoling, sometimes they come up with a reason - some random ailment MIL has - sometimes heartburn, sometimes leg pain - and it sure would have been caused by something that they did that day - strain themselves to get something done which we would have specifically asked them not to do - guilting us in the process. Other times, they'd become ok themselves.. I haaaate such attention seeking gimmicks!! They are both 60 and 56 but speak as though their life is about to end. I know of older ppl than they are who are physically active. They have folks on their side who are like that. They don't suffer from any major ailment whatsoever but constantly speak as though they have both given up on life. MIL randomly keeps saying for no reason at all, that they should go back sooner as they are causing us more trouble only - THIS, when things are perfectly normal!! And DH would go cajoling or chide her for saying things like that and she'd be ok again. They skip breakfast frequently only to cut a sorry face to DH when he asks them at lunch time what they had for breakfast. DH should pamper them for the rest of the day. (They don't eat with us as we have breakfast at 7AM and they dont until 9 after all their poojas).

    Random taunting remarks: These, I get very frequently. They keep making such remarks very often and totally out of the blue and very out of context in an otherwise normal conversation. Below are some examples.

    1. 'Girls these days are verrry cleeever. They somehow get the best of boys chosen by themselves. Boys are very dull in that regard. You know even parents encourage their girls and 'motivate' them at home when the girl finds a nice boy'.
    FYI: DH and I had a love marriage which both sides happily accepted but SIL's was an arranged one.

    2. 'You guys think couples these days are more romantic. But you are wrong. In those days, couples used to be much more romantic, understanding and respectful of each other. They just didn't express those things in public'
    FYI: DH and I cut out any and all PDA since their visit and he stopped calling me with any pet names and all that is restricted to our bedroom. In the one or other odd time that he calls me with my name shortened, they make it very obvious that it is distasteful. I really want to tell MIL that we are in no way competing with them for the most romantic couple award.

    3. In continuation with the above, IL's elaborate on FIL's secret visits to MIL's mom's place when she went there for delivery and the thrill of watching a movie without the knowledge of the elders at home. It is all sweet to hear up until this point. Then they go on about how me and DH share a spiceless relationship, unable to experience such thrills - both before marriage and now.
    FYI: Two years into our relationship DH and I came to US for our Masters and we went to school in neighboring cities and met each other very often.

    4. How nephew (SIL's son) should learn to be serious, study well to get into good jobs like his parents. The kid is a toddler for crying out loud!! He is 3 and puts up tantrums to go to daycare and to school in IL's absence. SIL makes it a point to guilt-trip IL's about their unavailability to help her watch the kid. They keep going on about what kind of a suffering she is going through. As for parents (SIL's friends) who tell, 'How will my kid go to school without throwing a tantrum? Both my DH and I were no. 1 tantrum-throwers back in our time' - they look at these parents in awe that they are even capable of saying things like that!! :idontgetit:

    5. Anything fun and adventurous is dangerous. A roller-coaster ride is not allowed. FIL said that he has witnessed accidents in theme parks. When I said, 'really? when? where?' he tuned down to 'well i have heard such stuff happening. The rides look dangerous in any case'. No snorkeling, no kayaking, no rafting, no sky-diving but they want DH to take them on a dinner cruise. Even biking to work is dangerous!

    6. Wearing make-up, any jewelry other than gold/diamond is looked down upon and is immediately compared to what SIL does and has and how that is superior over anything. How my dresses are a tad too tight and how black is a tottally unauspicious color - it's OK if DH has to wear black formal pants though, I shouldn't (not that I pay heed to any of these though).

    7. When DH comments on how nice a person SIL's husband is - the way he treats IL's well as his own parents - lets SIL be financially, physically and morally supportive and does so himself too on countless occasions, they get all defensive. FIL goes, 'Your mom helps them out by babysitting their kid even in the poorest of her health so it is only fair that he is responsive too'. This in a very normal, innocent conversation when DH reminisced about good-natured SIL's husband!! I don't get it! Shouldn't they be happy and proud and flaunt such a son-in-law? Now I am forced to thinking that they'd assume that when I am nice to them it is in expectation of something else from them!! or may be they don't want DH to learn from SIL's husband and be such a nice son-in-law to my parents????

    8. IL's poke their nose into SIL and her DH's finances and offer free advise/orders. SIL follows her dad's word to the T. And they declare this proudly to us. When DH pointed out that SIL's husband should know better, they both got defensive saying how as elders they had a right to offer advise!! But they want DH to be wary of my dad all the time - FIL pokes his nose into where my salary goes what I give my parents etc. So far they know nothing. He once tried to get my bank statements on the pathetic excuse that I would be DH's nominee for an LIC policy that DH is going to take - I asked him why they'd need the nominee's details - it was the policy holder's details that they would need. He couldn't say anything further in that matter. He got power of attorney signed by DH the day after our wedding and made him take an LIC policy with MIL as nominee, a month before our wedding.

    9. He always wants to be in charge and cribs that he is unable to do so, as he doesnt know the way things work here. Even in simple things like making plans for the day to go groceries when DH asks him if he wanted to get it done on a particular day, hr goes cribbing that he can't make any decisions since he doesn't drive or doesn't know how to go about things.

    10. He keeps asking questions about anything and everything - even about visa statuses and financial details of our friends he's never met. He interrupts conversations between me and DH with such questions that are of no concern of his. He drives me nuts when he does that!

    11. According FIL, MIL has extrasensory powers. She is kind of a godly woman and her fav deity comes in her dreams and foretells future important happenings - this has come about to be true on a few occasions as DH tells me as to how she guessed his sex and SIL's baby's sex much earlier in their pregnancies and how the deity even gave the babies their names (I am NOT going to tell them the sex of the baby when I get pregnant. If she gives my unborn child a name and if she is right in finding the sex of the baby, I can may be give the baby the middle name as what she says. Frst name HAS to be my and DH's personal choice). So FIL mystifies anything and everything, attributing it all to MIL's special powers. It's difficult to explain here but even the most trivial of things happened so just according to MIL's prediction (more often than not, they are always 50-50 probability events). With all due respect, she could have real powers but making a mountain out of a molehill belittles the special power to me and makes me want to shout out loud or even openly snigger.

    12. They say things abt how both DH and I have become dark afte rour wedding x-( That we were both ok-complexioned when in India but after coming to US, esp after our wedding we both became dark. Poof! All of a sudden! This of course is followed by how really FAIR SIL is... I swear to God that both DH and I are fairer complexioned now, being in colder weathers to limited sun exposure compared to India. I also now take care of my skin properly, getting home-made facials done on a DAILY basis and wearing a sunscreen. My own mom and close friends are noticing the change and mom now follows my skin care routine everyday.

    13. They have both suddenly become all religious. Well, MIL always is a religious and spiritual person but FIl has been quite the opposite. He does believe in God and visits temples regularly but he cud never be bothered to recite shlokas or anything. But now they are all about listening to satsangs on youtube everyday, reciting verses and playing devotional music in the mornings and evenings. I toottally don't have a problem with all this but they act as though they want to set an example for me. Let me explain. DH and I are of the same religion and caste but different subsects wherein each's subsect follows a specific deity and are arch rivals of each other. Both my parents and IL's for that matter - are by nature aren't ppl who favor one God over other and they brought us up the same way. They themselves visit all temples with the same devotion. But since our wedding FIL has been insecure that I'd convert DH to my subsect - I couldn't care less actually! Neither does DH. They have been showing such intense favoritism to the deity that is primary for their subsect and very very very slyly hint that the other is inferior or the other doesnt have rich literature or history!

    No kidding - all the above 13 points come in the most random of conversations, totally out of context that it makes me go :drowning

    Well - there, I am done venting... If there's anything you guys think that would help me face the next 3 months with energy, I am all ears. after all, expenses are going to go up with trips and their shopping (the latter mostly for showing off to distant relatives and not-so-friendly neighbors) I need a cool mind to deal with their nonsense.
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2013
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  2. nitasen3

    nitasen3 Silver IL'ite

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    Eatpraylove, when do you write such long post?.....From office or from home?....If it is from office God save your job........Kidding kidding, don't take it to heart....I have to take out some quality time to read your post in detail and then come up with some quality advice for you.....Enjoy ur time with ILs OK dear and ofcourse in the midst of all interesting things that will take place in the next three months don't forget to take care of yourself dear.
     
  3. anmolhai

    anmolhai Platinum IL'ite

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    WOW that is a long post :bowdown to your typing skills. I had to come back to finish reading it.

    Count your blessings.
     
  4. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Good Stuff outshines Bad stuff: only 10% of us get such In laws who go to the extent of pampering their DIL.. so just chill... another 3 months to go and you are a free bird again....
     
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  5. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi EatPrayLove,

    At some level I totally identify with you because at the outset my ILs are also like your ILs. They dont have all the "traditional" bad stuff that most of the other DILs have to face in this forum.
    Sometimes , I feel guilty that I crib about them -
    1) My MIL also does all house work when she visits - without complaints. In fact ,she COMPETES with me to do the work - some times it gets a tad annoying - coz she says things like "oh this is so dirty-' etc etc. But I usually ignore it.
    2) My FIL and MIL never poke into our business at all. In fact its the opposite - they leave us alone for most of the part - except when travelling to visit them. MIL and FIL call every 5 mins to check "where have you reached"
    Thats the most intrusive they have been.
    But all this does not come to my mind when they are here for more than 10 days - I concentrate only on the "negative" that they do..And it drives me crazy!! I get suffocated during their visit - so much so that I sometime feel like crying!!
    The way I see it , let them be what they are ..Like most of the other sane DILs here say - don't focus on them. I can understand how frustrating it can be - but nevertheless, whenever you feel stuffed with emotions - go to the calendar and just look at the date that they will leave. Think about that day..And you will actually feel happy!! :)
     
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  6. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    nobody is perfect, everybody is having some bad things about them...but main thing is whether a person in whole is a good person or bad person....your in laws doesn't look like bad people....they are having some habits which are irritating to you but when you live with some other person you have to compromise and adjust a little....and you have to accept a person as a whole their good part also and their bad part also....
    I guess you dont believe in the funda of living with in laws thts why you are finding their habits annoying....but these can be ignored....just practice a little patience...
     
  7. preethiitech

    preethiitech Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi eatpraylove,

    Whatever you have stated as negatives are normal in every house.. And especially common with inlaws.

    But I'm so astonished with the good points that you have written!! Girl, you are indeed very lucky... Count your blessings and ignore the rest..

    An easy way.. Listen to them if you can. Or else just keep silent and proceed your way.. Don't over think and stress.. Have a nice time..
     
  8. friendlygirl

    friendlygirl Silver IL'ite

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    GauriDinesh and eatpraylove

    I can totally relate to you both. My inlaws are also very nice in the sense that they do all the home chores and doesnt even let me inside the kitchen. But they are too emotional, sentimental and have strong opinions about a woman's place in the house. This really annoys me and i start obsessing about it...but later i realized that it is me who has to develop thick skin and let go of the small things they do to annoy me. if i ask them..they sure will have many things to say wrong about me...so i should just learn to let it go.
     
  9. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    EatPrayLove,

    I do understand what you are going through, and I sympathise, I am pretty much from a similar background..IL's are gods when it comes to cooking / caring, but the only body part which works very well is their tongue!!

    ... But you have to remember the fact that they on the scale of "good to bad" inlaws, they are definitely above average in their behavior..

    Enjoy the food, in fact, even request MIL to make some snacks or savories that you like or are time consuming to make and enjoy !!

    For the rest, ignore, ignore, and then ignore some more... They talk because they NEED to talk, what else can they do here in the US?? You can tune out their voices a lot of the times and get into your own thought zone. All these small words will prick you only if you listen to them, and let them get to you...

    The easiest way to take the sting out of them is to nod, absent minded smile, and never contribute to any of the conversation. It will show your disinterest in a non-confrontational way.

    One more thought: ever wondered what will you do, if they decide to move in permanently with you?? Ur DH is the only son, after all! So don't burn your bridges now, neither sniggering at MIL's divine powers nor getting irritated at SIL praising-ceremony now.
    Keep things sane till the end of their visit, no blowups, showdowns, until you get time to recuperate!! You can always go skydiving, wearing a black t-shirt and black pants and only junk jewellery the very next day they leave !! :D:D

    I am guessing your marriage is young...The good news is, all these comparisons/talks reduce over the years with these "generally good" Inlaws!!

    Strength to you for the next three months!! :)
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2013
  10. Yettobemom

    Yettobemom Gold IL'ite

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    Hey op!
    Reading your 'good stuff' is enough evidence that you are the most, to be precise 'THE ONLY PAMPERED' DIL in this forum ! Right girls? We all can't even dream of our ILs pampering us like yours do.
    So ignore the negatives and consider yourself luckiest of us all...these 3 months will fly, till then just focus on the positive. There are others here including me who find it difficult to find a single positive thing in their ILs and you have got a whole list!
     
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