My Mother departs...

Dear Kamla, soul sister,
I am very grateful for your comforting words.
Dear Cheeniya,
There is a lot of wisdom in what you say, that being alive or dead makes no difference to the feeling of Love and , at the end of it all, feeling love is what truly matters.
Cheeniya and Kamla, its not that i am living now with in some internal penitentiary, lacerating myself daily with the hope of purging the guilt. No. I do know she rests in peace, and now knows my feelings . But memories are hard to wipe off . They surface at the most unexpected moments, triggered by the most unexpected catalysts and then start gnawing like timid mice, not really making a bleeding wound, but creating an indescribable discomfort impossible to ignore.......we all know very well that it serves no purpose to follow streams of agonising thoughts that begin with " if only i had ...... " Still I cannot totally subdue the wistfuness that envelopes me when I think how beautifully different things could have been, had I taken the initiative to draw her out. Had she wanted to try out Levis and Gap, I'd have gladly shopped with her. Had she wanted to go whitewater rafting, I'd've jumped in with her.......kamla, you believe she shared with me only what she wanted to. Possible. Also, possibly, she saw something forbidding in me to withold herself. And I did nothing to introduce the real me to her. That is the core of my wistfulness......Its not even personal . More an anguish about human nature in general. Why we fail to embrace " the other" without prejudice and judgement. Why this frailty or wariness that baulks at initiating a confluence ?

 

Sorry Cheeniya sir for stepping in......

Dear Manju,

Many times we take our loved ones for granted. Never let them know our full feelings. Why with mother in law with parents also it happens. I never told my father and mother that I love them a lot (which is true also) and hugged them. With father it is always a distance and with mother may be sometimes closer. Now, I feel that I should have told them " I love you." and I"I owe a lot to you" or something like that. They are no more. Others and we also share only some things...not everything. May be your mother in law was like that. Many times we do not introduce "real me". That was discussed a lot in "being vulnerable". So, don't worry. She is in your heart forever.

Syamala

 

Manju....Totally understand the unending and unanswerable questions that seem to be storming your mind.

Even as I empathize with what you have written, I could not but admire the way you have written it! What expressions Manju, that's why you were missed so dearly when you stopped being active here! Sorry to digress!

Cheeniyasir, I now await your promised ramble regarding 'initiating a confluence'. Always, much to learn from your words.

Manju's last lines impressed me too and I did go into some introspection. There were few incidents in my life where I tried my best to fight the same fraility and wariness in order to initiate the confluence! But no, it hit me back with a powerful gush.....We need both hands to clap, just one will not produce much effect and the lack of impact can only weaken the trying arm!

Let the past rest dear Manju. That's how it was meant to be, for whatever reasons....

L, Kamla

 

What a coincidence to read this on Mother's day. Cheeniya Sir hope u r fine now. Post is kind of tribute to ur lovely mother. May her soul rest in peace.

 

Super Galib Gibran. Most apt quote to conclude tribute to heavenly mother.

How I wish I get to call me “Thyagu-thyagu” always she would utter my alias twice.

Luckily in my case we were all around her as she departed with a gentle smile.

That is true of my mother too. I had seen my photographs dressed as a girl with patty pavadai and choli. She did dress up me son like a girl before we went on pilgrimage to get his tonsure at Swami malai. She did turn similarly my daughter to a tomboy .

That was the moment your heart must have heaved as mine did.

Quite true. I endorse your view here.

I had not read the feedbacks of others in this post till now. Intend to catch up later - bookmarked.
Thanks and Regards.

 

Dear Cheeniya,

This not exactly a thread I should have responded to in public. But somehow you forced me to. It could well be the fact that you and I have something common in our mothers. Like you, my mother too wanted a daughter after her elder son. And I appeared instead, a fact of life that I think she never could forgive me for. My childhood was spent as a girl, dressed like a girl. I used to go out to play in the streets in a little girl's dress and didn't quite know what I was. But I survived till the day when neighbours probably forced my mom to dress me up like a boy. I don't think she enjoyed this, but accepted the boys' clothes they brought as gifts. They were not new, but clothes worn by their older children. When our only son was born, she was unhappy once again, since this was a boy. She insisted that we celebrate his first birthday dressing him up like a girl. I still have that photo.

Apart from wishing for a girl, I don't think there was any other resemblance between your your mom and mine.

oj