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How to cope with a spouse who blames you for infertility?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by snm1984, Mar 22, 2013.

  1. snm1984

    snm1984 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi friends,

    I have been facing this problem for quite sometime,pls pour in your suggestions on how to deal with this situation.We have been TTC for a year with no success.As for me I try not to lose hope and stay positive,but my H's talks and actions leave me quite depressed and angry in this regard.I understand he feels upset and faces pressure from his mother(one of the reasons they haven't talked for months).His visa will expire in a year and we really wanted to have a baby before that...

    Anyway he has this habit of criticizing me,blaming me directly or indirectly whenever test results come or just out of the blue.His mom is very superstitious with a very creative and manipulative mind.A few months ago she managed to feed this crap to him interlinking the marriage issues(prob my jewellery related stuff) and my cause for infertility and how some curse runs in their family that we will face this problem and blah blah.And my H being an idiot that he is went for days probably believing the nonsense stuff...that's when this habit began.I tried reasoning out with him and he was ok for few months.

    Last week I was diagnosed with PCOS and I am kind of upset.Initially I was scared more for his reaction than for my condition.He didn't say anything for the first 2 days then he started.He asked what are we going to do if this medication doesn't work out,what's the next step...he had so much plans and he even put his green card plan on hold for planning this baby i should realise the importance,now he doesn't know whether to extend his visa or not...(all in all made it sound like I spoiled everything).I was really angry but managed to keep my cool and told him from my end I will do everything I can to make it work & lets hope for the positive.I also told him taking stress like this will also affect.To that he said very arrogantly"Everything is fine from my end(he took the tests),you first see what you have to do."I lost my temper and told to keep all his thoughts to himself and if he can't be supportive,don't criticize either.I felt really hurt and cried for a long time.

    After this episode I don't feel like talking to him.I am beginning to feel an overwhelming sense of disgust when I see him.Its not just one episode,he always has this habit of saying the most hurtful things without any regrets then break the silent treatment I give by hugging.Then repeating the same.I tried telling him I feel hurt when he behaves like that,but he always goes into defensive mode and justifies it.TTC is really taking a toll on our relationship.I can't help but think I would never ever in my dreams blame him if anything was wrong from his end,how can he be so insensitive and hurtful?I got emotionally detached from him sometime back,so its not like I want him to support me.I just feel hurt when he blames me.
     
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  2. Endlesshope

    Endlesshope Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry for the situation you are in. It must feel really disgusting to be blamed for something which isn't your doing, and for which you are totally helpless.
    Infertilty is a really scary road, and it's really important to have a understanding spouse. If he is otherwise a loving guy, hopefully the venting should give way to a better understanding person [ this is how it was with me] else if he remains a jerk about it, then it is absolutely neccessary that you cut out all the drama and stay focused.
    And from what I read saw heard women/wifeys tend be more compassionate and understanding if the issue is with the dh :rant
    Do check out the PCOS success threads at the fertility forum, it will definitely cheer you up.
     
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  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Dearest snm,

    First of all, HUGS to you. I'm sure you already know but PCOS seems really common these days and several people do have lovely children with minimal intervention. The good thing is that it has been discovered and is being treated. All the best.

    Coming to your real issue, I'm sorry for saying this, but your H is being a pig. What he has done is totally out of order and I'm glad you told him to ease up without losing your temper. However, he really HAS to change his attitude before you have that baby with him. I can only suggest this. Write down a short speech that you would wish to deliver to him. Make sure that you come across in a dignified manner AND keep your MIL out of this.

    In it, tell him his accusation is just spiteful and hurtful. He knows as well as anybody that this is something beyond anyone's control. He dare not blame you again. I do not know how independent you are; and as a consequence how much he will believe you when you do this - give him an ultimatum. If he doesn't mend his nasty ways ---- <you fill the threat you can really follow up on here> . If he is usually a reasonable guy, ask him whether his way of treating you is fair.

    Once you have read and mended and practised your speech, approach him before he initiates physical contact. Tell him you have something to say to him and you do not want him to interrupt. Whenever he interrupts, put your hand up and tell him you are not finished. Do be calm and confident as you are NOT doing anything wrong. Finally ask him your questions about why he is being so disrespectful towards you and how he expects you to want a baby with him when he is treating you so badly. (You could tell him that you refuse to have a baby with him until his behaviour is resolved and for that he better go with you to a counsellor/ therapist.)

    I sincerely hope that your issues are resolved first... Once your husband is sorted, I wish you the loveliest baby in the world...

    Love,
    G
     
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  4. MaritalBliss

    MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with guesshoo. Your DH is such a jerk. Tell him that what he says is too hurtful. Give him
    an ultimatum and follow through. All the best for your ttc. Take care.
     
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  5. rohinipadi

    rohinipadi Silver IL'ite

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    snm my heart really goes out for you.I'm sorry your H is not being supportive.At this point of time you need to focus on TTC forgetting all the nonsense your H utters. Men cannot handle problems especially people who have never took decision by themselves for anything.They have too much unknown fear and always tries to find fault with other people . Once everything works out you will forget all the bad things and move on with your life.Untill then be patient and focus on things needed. Other than H please create a support group who will provide positive energy to you.
    Thanks
    RP
     
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    You are planning for a child with a heartless spouse like him? That too in a foreign land?

    I understand the stress and guilt that you are facing because of him. Its no good for a woman while in TTC.

    One of my aunt and best friend are childless till date, and they are the best women I could ever see in this world with such a pleasing personality. One of my neighbor was blessed with an angel after 10 yrs of TTC struggle, and they are the best ever neighbors/human beings I could ask for. Does that mean their delayed child birth or being childlessness is a result of their bad habits/curse of others????

    Similarly, I have seen many woman who produce babies out of their wedlock or before marriage (or as a result of rape) and throw the baby out to a bin or toilet. Does that mean these women are like saints; hence blessed with babies naturally?

    You might probably have similar cases in your neighborhood... Aware your idiot husband that having children is not in our hands, its the God's wish. A child is not a reward for your good manner, it is a natural bodily process. Sometimes your H's or his mother's bad deeds also would result this long TTC without any health issues of theirs.

    I would advise you to have faith in God, and pray for your husband's good behavior first. You both will be blessed with a wonderful child soon.

    I will surely pray for you on this Lenten season. Don't worry sister:)
     
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  7. jasenilaa

    jasenilaa Senior IL'ite

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    Snm, I can understand how it is draining you emotionally andphysically. My tight hugs to you dear.

    While TTC-ing, physical health is more important and evenmore important is emotional support. We all know and seen woman having childrenwith many complications, so with the very common PCOS issue, you WILL have babydear. My fertility specialist(Dept head of ART) indicates that I have pcos too,but he says it is NOT a problem according to him atleast. He feels it is veryslight to worry about and that is not stopping the success either. So you canput a cross mark(X) in your mind with this PCOS..and proper diet and medicationwill help to overcome this, even if, in bit more serious level. Pleaseunderstand this and get it clear for you first and you can convince him, if itbothers him. Sometimes men freak out in their mind even with simple problem,when they are already feeling the pressure. Just assure him, you are sharingthe pressure with him.

    Coming to emotional support, most difficult is to gettingblamed for matter’s which we are not responsible, that is even worse if from yourDH ..it is very tough to handle. But decide what you want to for this..youcannot stop this blame game completely. Try saying to him

    1. How much you are trying to make this TTC-ingsuccess. But it is a team of two. So hurting each other will not help, and thismakes the whole process more complex and long. Ask him to choose the best way.

    2. Agree with simple blames like related to day toactivities, after all Men want to blame,rant, get frustrated with many things,and we human tend to make mistakes.. but clarify him his blames related toTTC-ing, nothing is in your control, all you can do hope for best.

    3. If he continues the blaming game, tell him thetruth that this is not definitely helping as a family (team of two-after all menunderstand team values) for this TTC-ing..tell him that you are not ready tomove forward with the uncooperative person in this TTC process. .and want toput a hold for baby, just because of his unhelpful talking/blaming. It is notworth struggling alone. But don’t stop bringing your husband into the process,by making him understand what it takes to be together in the tough time.

    4. Tell him that you love him so much and hurtingyou with regard to infertility, is not helping. Ask him to love you as personand then can think about baby making a success. Assure him that all is fine except the emotional understanding for each other..and tell him that you wantthat support ALONE at this point.
    Emothinalsupport||èlessstressàless PCOS
    ||à less stress àmore loveàmore baby

    Seems a perfect path right ?!! We will hopefor best.



    TTC is a challenge and we have to be preparedourselves for the good and bad things, otherwise it is emotionally draining. Buttaking it a day and try your best, you can at least progress.

    All these things you can try with cool, clearmind and slowly. After all you love him. He is hurting you, you don’t hurt him(hurtinghim, being harsh will hurt you even more), but explain the consequences.

    We are TTC-ing and at the same time im understandingthe difficulties day by day.
     
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  8. Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    How does one cope with a heartless cruel beast? (sorry)

    Hugs to you honey.
     
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  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Snm, my hugs for you for being thru a treatment that no wife shud undergo.
    Probab ur H has chosen to be a good SON at this stage and you might need to live thru it for a while.

    I've realised one thing... whenever there's a prblm in having child.. it has something to do with past life karmas... no matter how beautiful person you're in this birth... something was amiss in last... You can check with him if he's ready for proper Pitru Dosha remedies....... sometimes 2 ppl are never meant to be together... and there's a lack of compatibility at sperm and ovum level to penetrate and fertilize.

    I wud agree to guesshoo that you need to write to him since emotions are running high now, probably u can write something to him like:
    - I was deeply hurt to be told that am the only reason for our childlessness... pls don't hurt me further its already draining.
    - Lets be more productive in our approach if we fail again:
    - lets think of surrogacy.
    - We can first try for an asian ovum and fertilization within myself.
    - Then we can try for an asian sperm and see if that works.
    - go for adoption
    - go separate ways.
    - In any case avoid too many cycles of assisted reproduction cos it leaves a woman's body battered and harmonal levels too confused to live a normal life further...

    I've seen medical outcomes for a few ppl who've been thru too many TTC cycles and the kids that came out. When I was in ICU with my son for over 2 mnths & rehabilitation centers... it was an endless tale of how many ppl were there just for desperation of being parents. Not all assisted pregnancy are bad... but a lot of kids with problem do come from assisted.
     
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  10. sarada30

    sarada30 Platinum IL'ite

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    dear snm,

    i am also having PCOD and my dh also troubles me but i kept only one thing in my mind that i need a child and when the doc asked me to get my dh done some test he also answered me in the same way that you have some pblm you should get it cured and bla bla..... he for that reason changed the doc so the other doc also asked him to get the test done and he got the report it also showed that he has pblm in sperm count. then he shut his mouth and started cumming with me for the treatment for this it took me more than 2yrs and still i am on ttc and now on 4th of April i took an appointment with the infertility institute and we have to go their for ivf.

    dear dont worry it is not in our hands every thing is in gods hand so have some paticence and there are many advance treatments where you can easily concive. dont worry.

    we all will pray for you.

    wish you all the best.
     
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