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Tips to deal with Monster In Laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by DGcreative, Feb 7, 2013.

  1. DGcreative

    DGcreative Platinum IL'ite

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    I was googling on how to ignore MIL comments & MIL altogether. This piece of article I found bit worthy....take a look


    Some mothers-in-law are wonderfully caring, kind and generous. And some aren't. They can try to manipulate, try to undermine, and be difficult to like or live with. Here is a whole set of tips to help you have good relationships with your mothers-in-law irrespective of what they are like.

    1) Decide firmly that you won't be affected by her.
    The first step in managing your relationship with your mother-in-law is to decide very clearly that you are not going to let her get to you. That you are not going to be upset by her. That you are not going to let her win! You cannot change your mother-in-law or control what she says, does or doesn't do. What you can do is control your own reactions to her. In order to do this you need to make a very clear commitment to having this as your goal.

    2) Prepare your responses in advance.
    If you know you are going to be meeting or talking to your mother-in-law in advance, then prepare yourself. It's a bit like being in the police. If you know you are going into a difficult or dangerous situation you'd put your bullet proof vest on in advance. You'd not wait until after you were shot to do it! If you know in advance of the kinds of things that your mother-in-law does or says that bothers you, then you can also prepare your responses. There is no need to be thrown off guard or to get upset if you know what's coming. Be ready.
    Choose how you respond.

    3) You will always have choice as to how you respond even if you don't have choice regarding your mother-in-law's behaviour. You might choose to challenge her, to ignore her, to laugh, to agree, to come back with a brilliant retort, to question her, to give her sympathy, to praise her, to say how hard it must be for her. Whatever you do, do not let her get to you.

    4) Analyse why she is the way she is.
    Become a back-seat observer. Stop getting sucked in by her. Remain detached. And analyse. Try to work out why she needs to say what she does. Put the emphasis on to her and take it off you. Remember that whatever she is saying or doing, she is telling you volumes about herself and it's not really about you. For example, one mother-in-law I know made comments recently to her daughter-in-law about how hard it was to have sons, because sons always followed their wives and went to the wive's families. The daughter-in-law perceived this as an accusation. However, when she went into detachment mode and asked herself,"What is Mum telling me about her?" she realised she was saying she missed her son. Oh! When she put the focus back on to her mother-in-law and away from a complaint about herself, it stopped bothering her.

    5) Prepare set lines.
    If you can predict the comments, negative remarks or potential put-downs that will be said to you, then decide on a ready-made response that does not accept the negativity, and that clearly shows you're not upset. For example, another woman has been getting upset recently about comments her mother-in-law has been making about her children. One of her comments was "Children who are noisy like yours end up on drugs". She felt very hurt by this. To stop this hurting her we ended up devising a set of responses. These included "Yes, it's good to be concerned early as all children are vulnerable to drug taking these days. Can you find me some information on drugs please?" and "You must know a lot about bringing up kids, Mum, 'cos your son is lovely, what are your secrets?" Saying these stops offence being taken and simply puts the onus straight back on to the mother-in-law. Good one! Just brush them off, kindly.

    6) Talk to your spouse about it.
    Look around you and find out how other people are taking the comments. Are you the only one getting upset? Maybe you're taking it on board more than others. If so, talk to the other people involved and find out what their reactions are and what they do to deal with the comments. If your husband or wife just says, "Oh, Mum's silly, she's always shooting her mouth off, just ignore her", then do what's said and just ignore her! If they're not bothered why should you be?

    7) Praise her.
    Oh, I know the last thing you want to do is to praise her. But why not? It could improve your relationship. She may be feeling left out or unappreciated or be genuinely concerned. Lavish her with praise. She may become less critical. And it will stop you descending to her level.

    8) Feedback her point.
    Simply convey what you understood is going on for her. "You sound to be concerned that John's not eating enough". "It must be hard for you having your eldest son in Indonesia. I imagine you miss him badly", "So you're worried that the children don't know how to behave well enough and will become criminals". Whatever the hurt, undermining comment or put-down is, go beneath the words, translate the underlying message, and say it back in your own words. No need to agree or disagree. And definitely no need to get upset.

    9) Laugh.
    Laughter can break the tension. How can you laugh when someone has said something horrible to you or been unappreciative? Well there are many ways. Realise how absurd it is for her to say what she's said, and laugh. Predict that you'll get manipulative comments and take bets on how many you'll get ... and count them hoping you'll have the winning number; or make a funny comment back. Whatever it takes stay light. Let it all wash over you like water off a duck's back. And then you'll be happier no matter what family you married into.

    10) Agree.
    Agree with your mother-in-law? Surely not? Well sometimes she may be speaking the truth! At other times agreeing will simply take away the power of any put-down.
     
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  2. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    11) Nod to her ideas: Later u can do it your way as there is no obligation to do things her way only! :evil:
     
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  3. crazymom

    crazymom Gold IL'ite

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    I do not completely agree with the article, this article is for American MIL ( I know MIL is MIL , no matter Indian or American). Over here MILs do not live with the son and you are supposed to visit them few times in a year.

    In India, it is a whole different story. In most of the families, DIL is considered a second class citizen and has to fight for her rights!:bonk:bonk
     
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  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh brilliant article! I wish I could print it out and stick it on my fridge. If only my DH didn't know English... ;)

    Crazymom: Quite true that in several families DIL is considered a second class citizen. However, I'm able to map several of these points to the bits I did with my ULTRA backward ILs and they actually do work! I had even rehearsed a facial expression of disgust in front of the mirror to use on my MIL for "special" occasions. The best part is that the taunts don't get to me and ruin my peace like they used to.
     
  5. DGcreative

    DGcreative Platinum IL'ite

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    True to some extent that this article is from America....but I could relate to most of the things mentioned...Laughing it off is the best thing I could take from the article.
     
  6. DGcreative

    DGcreative Platinum IL'ite

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    If you want I'll try finding the link to the article so you can translate it to a language ur DH doesnt know....then u can stick it up on ur fridge....lol ;-)

    awesome:thumbsup
     
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  7. honeybunny123

    honeybunny123 Senior IL'ite

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    These articles are good for a read.I wonder how to apply in my life .Some months back I gave birth to a baby who was dead in womb due to heart complications at 7 months ...tht ordeal is easy to put in words but unable to get over ever in my life .on the day I delivered my MIL just had the nerves to call me up and say " I heard the baby had no growth..was it so?"I just didn't know how to react .i just kept the phone down..later on on the same day again I had to speak to her bcoz of my husband and she said "now did u understand that u shud not be egoistic.anyways it's not us who suffered , it was you who had to suffer all alone".
    Please tell me how would anyone of you behave towards such a MIL.i did not tell this incident to my husband till date because I just can't bring myself to.It was and still is too hurtful.
     
  8. Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    Honey bunny, welcome to IL.
    Hugs to you dear. No matter what, she should not have said those words.
    Very sorry to hear what you had to undergo.
     
  9. DGcreative

    DGcreative Platinum IL'ite

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    True honeybunny,these articles are a good read but applying in real life can be quite tough. Hugs to you for your ordeal. I pity such women as your MIL who are a shame to womanhood. I will leave such acts for God's justice. He will "give her back" for such unkind words.

    Wish you lots of strength.
     
  10. honeybunny123

    honeybunny123 Senior IL'ite

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    @Anitap and @DGcreative...Thanks for your replies..I just cudnt resist myself from posting after reading the article bcoz ignoring and bottling up issues has taken a toll on me.
     

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