Recoiling the mother-daughter clinging

sujatha_siva · Nov 20, 2012

First I wouldlike to say that your reply will help meto respond to my situation more efficiently. The reason behind this is the problem im dealing withmy mom. Can I give introduction to that now? My mom is over-selfless that sheis spending the past 15 years to take care of others. It started with her FILspent 2-3 years, then her father,next my father (suffered from cancer for 5years),then her MIL (lived upto 93 years). After my father's side mother passedaway she decided to stay with her mother(who is now 83,and with limited mobility ) in a village'who was takingcare of the farm, cow etc. Initially I was happy for her decision as she shewill have freedom and also less distraction from her past. It has been 5 yearsnow. Both the mother daughter became over possessive and over protective for each other. My patti has 4children my amma being the eldest, next one sister and 2 brothers.The familyset up for all my GM’s children are good and living closeby(say max of 4-5 hrstravel)My uncles are very busy in their household or atleast happy that my momis watching her carefully every second and visit my pattis place once in 3 months fora day and half. This makes my the old traditioned patti insecure much due to pressureof society. My chithi’s husband is veryactive.He does many helps for them but his words irritate them a lot(pointingthat he does more than his sons).So my mom is not depending too much on him either and doeseverything including farming arrangements, patti’s health etc -- without takingcare of her health.In the middle,so much of visitors and my patti instructs mymom to treat them with hospitality. In the night my patti will massage her legwith so many oils for her knee pain. My mom will always say ” ïm fine”.Neithershe takes any break nor her mom allows becos both of them want to clingtogether. The only time she goes out is for any death and then she has to return before night and duringthose time also numerous phone calls between them. Honestly, she is her first and only priority. To be frank, none of thesiblings and their spouses like bothnowadays. Whenever I raise this topic her answer would be “how long will she bealive”?”But after that what will be the mental state of my mother. Definitely mymom will stay with me as im the onlydaughter. But her mentality has changed completely by now. Once a positive,courageous mom has become negative now. I called her to stay with me for amonth atleast. My patti cried, even became sick and eventually both of themrefused. My confusion is Is it possiblefor me to make them understand that the other siblings also has responsibilityand need bonding even at this time? I feel little distance is needed betweenthem. What is your say on this.

Topaz · Nov 20, 2012

Actually you must look at it from your moms pov.

That is HER mother you are talking about and no matter how you feel about "exploitation" both your mom and patti are fine with the current status. As to others in your house sharing responsibility, I can only say tat it must come from within.......you cannot force it. Is it right no, but what is the alternative? Keeping mom and patti apart is also wrong!

Your patti has reverted back to second childhood, it happens to all and your mom feels the need to be there with her. Is it frustrating, yes, just like How we feel when the kids and hubby get to us! There are ties we want to run away from it all, but we don't, the same way your mom will also have days that are unbearable. On those days you must be there and offer her moral support instead of chiding her " see, I told you".......be positive and cherish her goodness.

Maybe you can suggest to your uncles and aunt that they must give your mom a break, by that I mean a few days or a week off evey couple of months so she can unwind, but other than that you cannot force your mom to leave patti!

Padmash · Nov 20, 2012

Dear your GM is insecured due to her old age. Your mother has cared for so many elders so she is habitual. Your granny is insecured if your mother leaves her noone will be there. If you all want to come out of this situation they your unlce wives need to spend few more days with your granny rather than half a day in three months.. both the ladies are in old age and insecured.. her other siblings only can make her relaxed.

sujatha_siva · Nov 20, 2012

padmatvt said: ↑

Dear your GM is insecured due to her old age.
True. The main reason for their act is insecurity.
Click to expand...

sujatha_siva · Nov 20, 2012

Additional info - But for my GM there is nothing called leaving that village house and coming out. In this old age both are staying alone in a village which doesnt have any facility for elders. If anyone tells them to relocate my patti will start crying and my mom just shuts others mouth. I accept that farming, cows etc are their hobbies more than earning. :drowning

sujatha_siva · Nov 20, 2012

I replied earlier but i could find that particular post. THANKS for your reply.
both your mom and patti are fine with the current status- Even i m happy tht she is with her mom and busy in her work without thinking her past.
tat it must come from within.......you cannot force it.
they are willing to take her.but my mom is not ready to accept their service.Once my patti went to eye surgery to her son's house.My amma gave so much instruction to her brother.When i said patti can take care of herself her reply was""she is shy.she wont tell.later she will suffer"
Is it frustrating
Yes.it is frustrating when i m leading a kind of luxury and my mom is in a village without basic facility.

Rihana · Nov 27, 2012

OP,

1. We all crave to be needed. This craving to be a little more in your mom. That is common, esp. in women of her generation, and is a way of life for her and those who benefit from it.

2. Your mother needs a break, but that break should not mean she stays away from your grandma. So, her siblings need to go more often, and help more than just visiting. But this is tough to make happen.

3. Looks like your mom and grandma are mostly fine with the setup, and you are projecting your worries and wishes on them. For example, you want your mom to have some basic facilities while she is fine with what she has.

4. After your grandma passes on, your mom will find something else to live for. She (your mom) seems to be a survivor. It it not easy to take care of so many sick people like she has.

5. Making a person put his/her needs before those of others is often impossible. It has to come from within. If forced, that person will resent and rebel in unexpected ways.

You cannot make your mom's sister and brothers help more with grandma's care, and you cannot help your mother if she doesn't want to be helped. We don't know what goes on in the mind of older people as they deal with their own mortality, and maybe working till she drops every day is what keeps your mom going.

Leave well alone. And find some ways you can stop yourself from worrying about this too much. Meditation helps some people. Exercise is another option.

sujatha_siva · Nov 27, 2012

Thankyou so much.This was more enlighting and convincing.Anyway im re-reading it until i change my mind.
Once again i appreciate your response.

alady · Dec 1, 2012

Dear sujatha_siva,

I just want give you a big hug. I am a daughter too and sometimes I yearn so much to share the little pleasures in life with my mother. We stay in different continents and I can meet her only once in 1/2 years.

And every single day, when I look at a cute toy, or eat or cook something tasty, see some pretty tree or lake, I badly want my mother to experience it too. So I can really relate to how much you are worrying for her and would like to take care of her. My mother leads quite a simple life.

If possible, why don't you try to infuse some positivity in to her whenever possible? You can tell her how much you respect and adore for working so hard to take care of all the elderly people in her life. She truly is a great woman from what you have shared. Sometimes in Indian context, it is unnatural to praise our family members directly - so we avoid sharing our love openly. Even if your mother may not acknowledge your words directly - she will think back at your words and it will give her true joy.

Would it be possible to visit her for a weekend in her small town. Maybe you have your own family or job that may this impossible. Just suggesting...as an option. The presence of a youngster around them, will make them very happy.

Please don't worry now. When your mother is ready to be with you, I can see you you will surely treat her like a queen. For now, lead your life fully on other aspects. I am sure that in itself will make your mother proud and happy for you. There will definitely be a time when you can shine in your role as a daughter.

Before I forget, I actually wanted to reply to this thread - because all I can see here is a LOT OF LOVE! You love your mother so much, and your mother loves her mother a lot too! You are all blessed. (Try to keep the negativity from other siblings and relatives out of the picture, because as rihana points out we don't have control over other's actions and feelings.)

Lots of good wishes to you!!!

Best regards,
alady.