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When parents distribute assets unequally

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Rihana, Sep 17, 2012.

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  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,

    Looking for some inputs on the topic of parents distributing their assets like money, jewelry and property unequally among the children.

    Parents do have the right to distribute their (non-ancestral) assets as they want to. They can give it all to charity, give it all to one child or give equally to all or more to one child or whatever. Children should ideally respect the parents' decision even if they get less than others.

    Parents can have lot of reasons for distributing unequally. Maybe one child is looking after them in old age, maybe they spent a lot on one child's education or wedding, and feel that child should now get less.

    My question is this:
    If the reason the parents give is that one child is well-settled and doing better than the other children, and so they are giving the well-settled child less of the money/property, what would that well-settled child feel? Would it be hard for that well-settled child to respect parents' choice? Would it cause resentment among the children after the parents are dead and gone?

    Is it fair for parents to penalize a child for being well-settled? Especially, if the child achieved that well-settled state mostly by own efforts and struggle?
     
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  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Well.. This is my first reply in indusladies... Yep, I am a new member here.
    I found this thread so connected to my personal life, thus wanted to drop in...

    In my case, I am the eldest... Being a girl, my parents wanted to give our family home to my as dowry with some jewelries and money (bank account). This is the usual practice in Sri Lanka. Nevertheless, I was damn against this dowry system and I personally felt so bad to "take up" all the belongings of my parents in the name of dowry. Because we were from a very middle class family with just one house and a little savings in hand.

    I personally felt that I am far good enough than my siblings, particularly I considered a lot about my younger sister who struggled to have a career on her own. I had a good job, own saving and a potential to grow up in life. And with that time, I had a love affair with my husband, who accepted my view points to marry me without any dowry. So, I didnt take anything from my parents, rather I particularly left the home for my mom (my dad is no more) and the jewels and savings to my younger sister. My younger brother was doing very well with his job, hence I thought he doesn't need much as me (in Sri Lanka, it is the custom to share the assets mostly with daughters as dowry and not with sons).

    off late, I had to suffer a lot with my in laws for not bringing any dowries (although i never stay with them), and this particular reason made my life upside down with many issues. During that time, my parents decided to give the home to my sister as dowry and the adjoining land (empty land) to my brother for his business and shared the savings (like 70% sister and 30% brother) despite of knowing that I suffer a lot with my in laws for this particular reason.

    The actual reason why my parents didnt want to share anything with me that time was to save me from this bad relationship... Plus, they thought that what I have (my earnings and own savings) were more than enough for my husband... (It is like if your husband is with good career, he is eligible to get higher dowry, so my sister's husband got it... and my husband is not that much good in his personal career). So, that time we were living in a rental house with no much savings in hand....

    My parents saw me as a wife of my husband and not as their own daughter who wanted them to live happily:(

    That was my poor past... But now, the time came for them to realize their mistakes, and hence they decided to share each and every penny they own with me and my kid. Now my mom is living with me, and she is trying her best to give me everything that she possess in order to compensate her mistake.

    I treasure her presence, her love and her willingness to help me more than the material assets now, although I felt really bad when she decided to keep me aside when distributing her assets among my other siblings just because I already (before marriage) told her that I do not need anything from parents (for their own betterment)
     
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  3. anjananathan

    anjananathan Platinum IL'ite

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    No its not fair.. but there are high chances that well settled ones will get less only.. even after doing lots to parents..

    sometimes, they would take from well settled ones and plan for not so settled kids future also..i can understand parents affection and they want all kids to be happy but does not look correct.. in few cases, not so settled ones keep quiet and happily enjoy all that.. they wont take efforts to struggle or come up in life as they are easily getting money..
     
  4. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes this happens. In my case meeting only once a year has resulted in me being ignored most of the time. My parents go out of the way for my sister. Even though she and her husband earn well. For me it is not only money, even the sentiment is not there. I guess parents can never love their children equally.
     
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  5. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Parents have a right to give their self earned property , assets and divide it as their wish.
    If they feel that one child has not done so well in life and give more to even things out then other kids should not have any heartburn.

    Living with parents has a lot of responsibity and also curtails ones freedom.
    Generally children living closeby are more helpful due to short distance while those who live far away may feel cut-off and neglected.
    Generally siblings do not mind if the one staying and looking after parents gets more than them.
     
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  6. bhucat

    bhucat Platinum IL'ite

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    Rihana,
    The problem is nobody has the helping mind to help the other sibling who is weak financially, rather if they wish, their husband/wife does not have the tendency at all.
    Today a vedic scholar said the same thing in a TV program, he says when we have enough money ie we have given our son/girl good education, well settled marriage life and a good amount of bank balance. Still we have some money with us, so at this time we can see our sibling family also, if he is poor, he is not able to make his child education, marriage etc good, we can definitely help him immediately.
    So what the parents are doing now is, they themself dividing the property and take the ownership of property sharing, rather any quarrel after their death can be prevented.
     
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  7. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    I feel that a parent should not show any discrimination in giving love/property/time among their children. But reality is different. My mother is partial in all aspects. As there is no issue of property, that is not a problem. But my in laws showed partiality to my husband. Though he is the last son, he took care of his parents' medical and other expenditure even though my FIL was earning and had a good pension also. My FIL used to give all the money to his middle son- saying he had two daughters and we- the eldest and us- had only one son each. Eldest was in a very good position careerwise but the other two also were not bad. But it was always the second one who got everything. He manipulated his parents, acting very well with them and took away the major portion of the assets. When my FIL got immobile, he was not cared well for by his fav. son and wife and he never complained. He was happy to be like that, I suppose. I have that in my mind forever. And my husband and his brothers are not in good terms and we have completely lost touch with them.
     
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  8. bhucat

    bhucat Platinum IL'ite

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    I do not why always the same situation is happening - "always the love and money goes to the person who does not care much about them" i think we really need to study this and the reason why this is so happening in every family :)
     
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  9. MaritalBliss

    MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel it's best to distribute equally to prevent jealousy between the children. Even though it is the parents' wish, if they do not want the kids to fight, then it is best to distribute equally. Even my dad didn't want to give my first bro his share from the proceeds of the sale of our house, because he didn't care about our parents at all but in the end, he gave cos he didn't want any problems.
     
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  10. vvvvvv

    vvvvvv Silver IL'ite

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    It is really hard to take care of elders and being with them. So it is fair if the parents give more to the kid who takes care and be with them. It is their hard earned money. They should definitely give it to the one who looks after them. In the first place, when people can accept them giving their money for charity, why can't you accept them giving to a sibling who is not settled. They are the ones with whom you grew up and shared your happiness. To a parent all kids are equal. Whe they decide on giving their property yhey think of the kids present and calculate whether he can do well in future and share. Some mistakes in judging may happen. But no one can help it.
     
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