1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Mad(e) for each other

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mathangikkumar, Mar 19, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Sofea

    Sofea IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,033
    Likes Received:
    9,212
    Trophy Points:
    410
    Gender:
    Female
    Woah, what's going on here?? Look like I missed quite a lot of stuff. Anyway, I just read the whole thread and...hmmm...well, I'm just spechless!

    Dear Mathanggi,

    I think I got what you are trying to convey here- you wanted to tell that the society looks down at people who are dark-skinned and matter actually gets worse if the so-called dark-skinned person gets married to a supposedly fairer skinned spouse...right?

    If this is what you wanted to convey, then fine, I've no issues. For I do agree that the society consists of racist & colour-crazed idiots who thinks that good looks and skin colours are all that matters.

    Nevertheless, what was disturbing here is not the issue that you tried to convey, rather your own opinion on that matter. You speak about not giving 2 hoots to one's caste and colour and yet, in the same breath you gave your opinion that one should actually choose their life partner by looking at the impression that their life partner is going to present to the world. Allow me to quote your exact words

    I mean, what on earth does this sentence mean???? Are you trying to tell me that I don't have to care about my spouse's colour or caste when marrying, but it would be better if both me and my spouse are of the similar colour and caste, as some foul-mouthed public might tend to leave my marriage reception if it's otherwise?

    And what's worse, you even commented about the off-springs of such couples by saying that it's "funny and strange to see them". Like what??? When has kids been funny and strange to look at???

    Like I said, it's a different matter if you were talking about the public's general views on such issue. But in this case, you have inevitably opened the floodgates of criticisms by condoning such views yourself.

    Why, you even went to the extent of saying that it's a bad luck that your daughter is born darker than your son. Seriously Mathangi??? You can say that about your own daughter??? My mom is fairer than I am but if there ever comes a day where my mom criticises me or term me as bad luck for my skin colour, let me tell you that that would be my most heart-breaking day. Even if she had meant it as a joke, I still would have been heartbroken by such statement. And that's not because I couldn't come in terms with my skin colour but because I wouldn't have been able to bear that my mother, who gave birth to me, can have the heart to term my skin colour as a bad luck.

    I'm going to reiterate your own words here again:-


    Similar to your statement above, let me say that "when one writes, one should also see to some extent the overall impression he/she is going to present"!

    In my opinion, you are not giving a very good impression on yourself via your threads, particularly this one. I've made several good friends through IL because I was able to connect with their views as given through their posts/threads here. In fact, their posts/threads even made me to have a wonderful relationship with them outside IL and today, I can certify that these people are as wonderful as the posts/threads they make here. Unfortunately, your post have given me an adverse view on yourself and I'm glad that I've not known you on a personal level for I wouldn't have been able to face a friend who condone such narrow-minded views on people's colour and caste.
     
    9 people like this.
  2. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,627
    Likes Received:
    1,636
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Here's more to stir the pot...

    I appreciate the notion of 'monitoring' posts for content because it may hurt readers' feelings. But what hurts one person may not hurt another. Some may want an open discussion...Personally I don't find this post offensive. I am more curious to find out what the basis is to justify any such thought process. I know it happens...I've seen it in people around me-subtle and not so subtle. Quite often I've noticed it happen when the other person feels threatened. It is not just an academic interest but I feel it can actually put it to practical use. I will know how to counter the arguments (because they will recur in other places and in other guises) to help myself and others negotiate the murky waters.

    During my student teaching days one of the lead teachers was a young black man. The kids adored him and he was an excellent teacher. One day at our team meeting he brought up a confrontation between two children-one white and the other black. "Go away, I don't want to play with you-you are black!" The other team members were silent and I could see they were shocked. He asked the child why she said that. "I am black and you don't tell me not to play with you." "Well ..., you don't take my toys away!" was the answer. Over the next four months I watched a master at work, teaching these children how to express themselves in conflict without resorting to personal attributes. Mind you, some of these children came from homes where the parents talked derogatorily about people of color. He could have very easily said, "Oh, all these children are all like that...it is in their blood, they hate us, we hate them..." During our class discussions, for that course I did hear a lot of student teachers get all agitated about such issues in their classrooms. Their gut reaction was that these were bad children because they were raised by horrible people. When I brought up the incident in my homeroom they were a bit puzzled. I was a woman of color, from a different place bringing up a counter view as experienced by my lead teacher, who was also of color!

    The perspective behind discussions is to bring up vastly differing points of view and ask, why do you think that? Is there a basis for your thoughts?

    Fast forward about 15 years. This time it was my own classroom and a very similar incident happened in my classroom. I had calls from parents of children who were not anywhere near the interaction...I had talked to the two children involved, their parents, the administration...in my point of view the intent was very different. But it was a child who had not yet understood the difference between what she said and what she wanted to say. This came up at our team meeting. I was one of the few non-white staff on school and people looked puzzled. Then one other teacher spoke up, "That would never have happened in my class. I would say we should nip it right in the bud..." She got more and more worked up and I realized she wondered at my response. Fact is, it would have been very easy to jump in say, "That is WRONG! You DO NOT say such things." I can be very clear without raising my voice.

    Ok, the child would have leaned that people get angry if you say such things but not WHY she shouldn't say such things. But I wanted her to learn to empathize...understand the injury and the insult to another human being. If she understands the why, she can generalize it to other prejudices too. Because you see, I have been there...not just at home where people thought it funny to kid around because of my color. I've had things thrown at me while in the company of a mixed group of people. I've been told to go 'home.' I've had a well dressed person make eye contact before he deliberately swerved to drench me with street slime on the way to morning mass on Christmas. I stood there wet from head to toe while my very 'white' husband held me and said, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." But I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me...because I don't feel sorry for myself. I don't need anyone else to stand up for me...I can tell people to get lost without any qualms. What held me in good stead while I analyzed these and other incidents was the ability to separate myself from the reason behind the attacks. I do not delude myself that it will not happen again or that there is any group of people that doesn't engage in these acts.

    This is an opportunity...because we can ask, why do you think so? How do you think all of us can counter the problem? It may not change some people but it can be a good tool for others. A year ago (or maybe an older post) a newbie mom had asked how to help her child because she was dark..and she was worried about how others would react to her color...no, she was not concerned because she wanted a light skinned child. She was trying to figure out how to give her child skills to cope with what comes her way-that was well within her scope, changing other people's views was not! Some parents may want to be over protective and blame only society but others may learn how to teach their child to cope or how to address these issues even with their light skinned child.

    There is no moral high ground here. We are all flawed and our posts reflect our particular prejudices. But that will keep for another day...
     
    7 people like this.
  3. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,882
    Likes Received:
    5,267
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    Guest leaving without eating and visitors avoiding the couple's home are seriously offensive things and there is no excuse for an adult who does not know this.
     
  4. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,124
    Likes Received:
    2,031
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    The way OP has portrayed the image of the couple, and has given the description of girl's looks, it leaves nothing to talk about the post. She says she believes in quality of spouse then why is she giving importance to the looks of the wife, her caste and color to the couple's married life, home and guests coming over? What should the readers discuss here in the forum on this post? What kind of response OP expects from us, praises and compliments on her ideas of caste, color and biases on communities? I really don't find any goodness in the posts of OP (except this that never think like this and avoid people who think like this!). I can only say that OP should not put such biased views for discussion on IL as such posts don't encourage a positive feeling nor do they generate a positive feedback or healthy discussion.
     
    2 people like this.
  5. Dancer

    Dancer Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    173
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:punctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true" DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99" LatentStyleCount="267"> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> Ok ladies, I am back. I wanted to share about my experiences with “looks”.
    I think of myself as an ugly-duckling-turned-beautiful-swan. Well, atleast an above-average swan.

    When in my growing years (ugly duckling phase), I was best friends with one of the most beautiful girls in school. Also, my little brother was a sweet-looking, cute boy. So, I was the “lesser-looking” friend as well as sibling. I am not going into details, but the experiences left deep impressions in my mind.

    It is easy to recede into the background and become a wall-paper when with beautiful people. Ok, it also happens when with famous people, powerful people and so on, but this post is about looks. Especially in the adolescent stage when we are not so mature, more conscious of our looks, wonder if the guys find us pretty etc., it can be really hard.

    I think most of the time, people (students, teachers, other adults etc.) didn’t do things intentionally. It is just that people seemed to be drawn automatically to a good-looking person (at least the initial reaction).

    Recently eandian quoted a piece about how we are hard-wired to treat beautiful people better and based on my experiences (both at the “giving” end as well as the “receiving” end), I could relate so much to the points she had quoted! I can see the logic behind this attraction – we get drawn towards things pleasing to our senses (be it a good dish for the tongue, good music for the ears or good-looking people for the eyes)

    Coming back to my story, I was well-known in school too. People liked me because I was funny, smart and a good person, it was that looks were not "my thing". Gradually things got better – changed from "soda-butti" glasses to better ones, got braces for my teeth, got lasik done to remove glasses, better hair care and the transformation was complete (kind of).

    Now, I realize that it is not sensible to let anyone else's opinion (teenage guys. girls, adults, media) on physical beauty affect my self-esteem. Also, I cannot dictate who should find whom pretty. For that matter, even many of my own crushes were people I found good-looking.

    Now here’s the catch: Inspite of being affected by my experiences, I still feel drawn towards beauty! If we put two kids next to each other – one chubby and cute and the other more ordinary-looking, many of us will pick up the cute baby first and cuddle it. Now, we are not intentionally trying to hurt/insult the other baby. I have found myself responding differently when a young/healthy/beautiful/confident person does things compared to when the same thing is done by an old/weak/not good-looking/unconfident person does them.

    These things just show me how powerful the aspect of looks is (though it is considered as extremely superficial in spirituality) and how we need to be consciously careful not to hurt or be unfair to the lesser-looking person.

    With hindsight and looking at lives over time, I see that looks fade. In fact, the so-called blessing of beauty actually turns into a curse for few. I see that looks are no guarantee for a happy marriage. In fact, I saw cases where the prettier girls had more troubles with respect to marriage.

    My mind observes and understands these things at one level and how superficial looks can be. Afterall, imagine living with a gorgeous yet mean person versus living with an ordinary-looking but kind person. Almost all of the matured people will choose the second option.

    Yet, I am not able to completely “rise above” the issue easily. When I was in my ugly-duckling phase, I couldn’t really imagine the cute/handsome guys to be attracted to me or find me pretty. It was so frustrating! So, I guess when I see a “not-so-good-looking” girl marry a “good-looking” guy, my inner hurt and anger jumps up to the surface (as jealousy?). Something on the lines of “Hey, if I couldn’t get a cute guy to look at me, why should you?”. After all, when I was “not-good-looking”, I was still a nice person, right?

    Now I have always tried to be kind to guys who "liked me" irrespective of whether they are good-looking or not. But my goodness extends till that. I might not be attracted to the "ugly" ones. Please understand I am not putting down people here. I am just telling how powerful this attraction to beauty seems to be (even when I have felt bad in my early days because of it).

    Anyway, I think it is ok to admire physical beauty in others (thought not really useful), but we should not give much importance to it as it doesn’t matter in the big picture. Of course, easier said than done, but I hope to work on this and try not to give undue importance to physical beauty.
     
    3 people like this.
  6. coolwinds

    coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    839
    Likes Received:
    1,084
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    i find the OP's post deeply offensive. moreso, because she is a teacher. i have always felt that a teacher's job is one of the most important jobs there is, since they have an indirect effect on society as a whole.

    the first scenario involves being invited to a dinner party thrown by a just married couple. instead of participating in the couple's happiness and being gracious enough to stay for dinner (the hosts must have worked hard to prepare it), a bunch of small minded people chose to insult both the couple and annapurna by walking out based on their perceptions about beauty and the suitability and compatibility of the host couple based on THEIR prejudiced thoughts. the words OP has used to describe the wife left me feeling sad.

    the same scenario also touches on casteism. how the man, being a tall, fair BRAHMIN should have thought twice about marrying this short, dark, ugly low caste woman. speculating about whether this couple was ostracized after marriage. and no wonder, how could they dare be happy after breaking free from others' prejudiced ways of thinking about appearances, station in life and ideas of happiness. :notthatway:

    and the most offensive part of the post was the description about children who result from such marriages. as if these little ones are some freaks of nature! and this from a teacher!

    we all have our prejudices. let's be honest about them and try to overcome this weakness in our thinking. rather than try to portray oneself as not subscribing to these narrow views, but make a complete post about them!
     
    8 people like this.
  7. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,602
    Likes Received:
    1,962
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    whats is anti discrimination crusaders take on economic discrimination? its not child's fault if the parents can not afford to send the child to a private school?
     
  8. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,273
    Likes Received:
    1,905
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Dancer, Yes,I was referring to your post.I do agree that we need to agree to disagree to the context or the subject and do not get personal.The reason (I assume ) why ILites have pointed out her proffession is that she is a teacher who is suppose to teach good habits/morales to the students.Again it is my assumption.

    There are quiet a lot of places where the poster had been very insensitive like whack the DIL,DIL is bOthered only about money,a couple should be a match and whether couple of different colors would be happy.Every person is different .Some people have chaltha hai attitude while it angered me(a lot of ILites) a lot.There was no ganging up .As you see a lot of ILites share the same opinion while agreeing to each other.

    I need to disagree with you when you said,we might be friendly with certain people but will not be willing to marry them.Dancer,I think we both have been brought up and belong to two different schools entirely.I have seen my friends getting married to person they like and not because they belong to particular caste or color or race. I have seen son of VP of a company getting married to a lower middle class girl and the caste being different too.You know what I mean.Yes, I do agree people of previous generation did not agree to this( not all there were lot of good people too)as I could see that the problem creators were the parents and elder relatives in most of the cases.Surprisingly,the VP's wife(my friend's mother) had told him that he should think thousand times before committing and if he commits ,he should stick to the girl no matter what.She is dynamic lady and a promine t ladies club member who goes out on weekends to teach people in slum about the benefit of education.There are people like that too.

    Dancer, Eventhough you say time and again that you disagree with some points of the poster, I should say that you are stressing the same point the OP says with a different paint.I am sure if you keep a poll in IL whether they will marry a person of different caste or color(as per you and poster a non-good looking one) or race,majority would be yes.



    Again,this is my opinion and I think I would resign from the thread before the moderators get a headache.
     
    4 people like this.
  9. Dancer

    Dancer Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    173
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female

    Valid point.



    The "ganging up" might not have been intentional. I just felt bad at the many:eek:ne ratio.


    Well, what can I say? Your friend's mother seems to be a much better lady than me. You all see it from only the view of casteism and the love between couples. I tend to see it from the view of the parents who feel betrayed/hurt/struggle to deal with changing lifestyles.

    We can again argue that marriage is a personal choice and the parent has to learn to let go once the child becomes an adult and so on. But the way I have been brought up, the people around me, the society I saw have made me what I am. You might be surprised to know that inspite of these "narrow-minded" opinions, we are all not "bad" people.

    I might be wrong, but I think for a lot of people, this whole caste-thing comes into play mainly when they fall in love with someone from another caste. Only when our personal life gets affected by social systems, we question the validity of it.

    Maybe if I had fallen in love with someone of a different caste, I might have been on your side?


    Yes, you have a point. I might not agree with the insensitive choice of words, but I do think a bit old-fashioned.


    I hope you didn't not think that I meant people of one caste are only good-looking and another caste are bad-looking. I meant that I am comfortable marrying within my community. Of course, I see the way the world is going and I seem to be in the minority. Of course, there are people in my circle (this generation) too who chose the option of inter-caste marriage.

    Anyway, this discussion has given a lot of food for thought. I will ponder on it and see where it takes me.
     
    2 people like this.
  10. GodIsOne

    GodIsOne Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    402
    Likes Received:
    652
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female

    Since when ??? where ??? Even to a kid...

    I am sorry. I am deeply hurt by what you wrote. I just so wish that people would at least be nice to kids. If two people in a row ignores the kid, then the kid would start feeling that he/she is worthless.

    """***"""Thank you lord for giving me a nice immediate and extended family. Thank you for giving parents, uncles, aunties and cousins who are much broad minded and treat others with respect for what they are and not for what color is the skin. This is heart felt and is definitely not intended to hurt anyone. I just felt that I am lucky as I grew up amidst such wonderful people."""***"""
     
    7 people like this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page