help please - my wife and I are so different

I want to love my wife, how? I love her but I want to love my life like I loved my gf.

How do people who are totally 360 degrees diff, love each other? we are that different and our approaches towards life has a diff of south and north pole and I don’t even want to talk about our priorities, habits, social circle - which are quite different. All our lives, we lived in two completely different worlds.

We are kind of happy now. She loves me immensely. She cannot live without seeing me thats for sure. But the fact that am not fresh like her always made me think I don’t love her and her constant 'you don’t love me's added to it. I don’t know what is true. I want her to be happy, feel confident about herself and not cry

Am I comparing her with gf ? no am not. but I am definitely comparing myself - how I was with gf in college and how am now with my wife. We have surprises, little notes, movies in our marriage too. but I have lot more potential only for the right kind of person. I cannot respect her/seek her suggestions/see her as my equal when she herself feels so low about herself, when she thinks she cannot do anything. I dint tell her this - she cries and says you never take my suggestions or talk to me .....I tell her that this is the reason. she cries. I change her wardrobe completely so she does not feel inferior to anybody, I select everything of hers she likes it that way.

I was way different with my gf and in college than how am with my wife. used to little pranks, called her names, waited on her every single day and much more, but here some of those things I did ended bitterly - so I can’t get that freedom to joke and play around with wife. She gives too much respect to me - I hate that how can we become close when she does that. At first I thought, with time she will be okay. But nothing has changed she still gives me the same respect (I want her to be casual); if I allowed it she would even touch my feet daily. all these make her very homely and most of my friends are jealous of me but am not that kind..how can I joke with somebody who would be like ...you are god. who would say yes to everything I say. these may seem silly, but day to day basis they wikk not and they add up to bring distance. once in a bluemoon she would yell at me like crazy.....so I tell her dont say yes to everything, do only those things that you can do for the rest of your life..Dont accept everything I say....as this would only lead you to blow one day when the bottle is full..I may be grumpy when you don’t accept but I can easily forget when you show something more interesting.

People say, accept people for who they are. Yes big picture - possible but daily pet peeves like crying for everything, getting disappointed for anything that dint go according to her plan...I like to joke and laugh with her. Any light hearted joke - she somehow brings myself and herself into it and it ends up implying that I don’t love her. Wonder how every joke would end up implying the same. am not any saint, I would tell her - I won’t joke with you, you are too serious, you can’t laugh, you know only one thing ..I..e, crying. That is what happens most of the time. and then she becomes silent and I beg her saying sorry. She does everything for me and would talk also but only in yes, or nos.

I posted a thread sometime ago. the purpose of both threads is same, but am unable to clearly tell what is it that I want. I want her to be daring and dashing. or else tell me how can I love her for who she is. Joke with her without me and my circle being judged harshly and looked upon as shameless people for what we are. Problem is she is perfect in every way and am not even halfway close to what she is. I may not have written clearly, i will post and edit.


Monitors, please let this thread remain in this secured sub forum only. If it’s too much trouble then just delete it but not move it to a different forum.

 

Thank You everybody. Yes I want to start fresh.

 

her perosnality before marriage and how she was raised. Her family is very strict. She does nothing without telling them. She follows the same with me. I am not her hostel warden that she needs my persmission for everything.

I think everybody around her them and me are selfish. they want her to be under control (she tells its not like that). I want to change her. When i write about her, i feel sorry for her. But when am at home i would get angry that she is too formal. how can we become close at this rate? i want to start fresh.

 

introduced her to my friends. she thinks we are a bunch of shameless, culture-less and characterless fools. She has very few friends just one or two. I move well with them too. We invited them. She is really innocent. But that can get quite irritating when you want to talk closely with her and she behaves too formal or says 'i like whatever you like'. You dont get it.

if anybody knows telugu - she calls me 'meeru', 'andi' ...'neenga', 'yannango' ....'aap',.... 'avaru', 'ivaru'. suppose your child refers to you like this? would you like it?. do you feel close to them?

initial days is fine but even after 3 yrs. permission to throw some curry? permission to buy a vessel? permission to buy a veggie (this is heighs...)......trust me it can get annoying at some point..

You go to a restaurant. ask her what she would like me to order - 'anything you like'.....lets go to a movie - 'okay' ......that is all you get as a reply..and will be ready......no desire to enquire what it is. no inerest. only interested in job and studies.

For every little thing - i have to think more than twice. i dont know whether she likes what I got or not. I have to guess whther she will like it or not. when I ask her to speak out...she will feel bad and wont talk.

for far it looks quite good. but daily you have tohear all this form some one with whom you want to be close can be not so fun.

 

thinking of it as infactuation is good. it helps.

showing movies - characters of dream wife - she would hate anybody if I said I like them.

I meant everybody around her is selfish. i..e, her parents and me - we are both selfish. They like her to always be under control and I pester her to change. is what I meant.

just that I cant handle too good, serious and studious personalities. she complains i dont love her all the time as i loved somebodyelse before. everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes i think that is true. so i thought if behaved the same way with her as I did with my gf...she might then think I love her. but somethings stop me form that....and i realized its the age and maurity.

I think I got the answer...i.e., there is no answer. No exact way anybody can tell ...how to love even when we are different. it happens I guess. and I understood (from this thread and previous thread), that college love is different from what/how we show now.

Thanks everybody. Proud Indian, Priya, Peacetips, Freddycat