Do I really have an issue

vgsr · Feb 28, 2012

Hi All,
I really need your advice before making any conclusion. Here is my story in brief. I was married for 15 years with 2 preteen kids. The problem I have in my marriage is my husband. He is very self centered, very insecure and very egotic person and on top of it he came from a family where parents were always fighting. Right from the beginning of my marriage he always felt very insecure that I do not love/care for him by pointing out small isuues like talking on phone with friends/parents and delaying his lunch/dinner. Logically these poitns seem correct, but how do these affect a relationship when the delay is for 10-15 mins or at the most 30 mins and when they happen a couple of times in a month. I tried rectifying these by not repeating them, but the list seems endless and even after 15 years he isn't satisfied. Everything I do/say is incorrect. Even sillier things like "where are you going" is misinterpretated as "so from now on I need to take your permission to go out". This has slowly raised my guilt levels and now I find myself composing myself during the day to ask him any one question after he returns from work. We rarely talk now a days. I guess the cummulative time we talk in a month is 1 hour and all those conversations would be initiated by me and span for a min or so. These would be reminders about upcoming appointments or any to do lists. Just because he feels strongly negative about whatever I talk, he feels I do not want him and so slowly stopped taking part in family activities. Now his life has become so mechanical that he is there with us like any other object in the house like a tv or computer. He just withdrew from family. If I try talking to him, he never responds, just like a wall he stares at me. no matter what I say. Another side effect to his character is that he is very serious looking and never smiles even when other people are there. It is very embarassing to go out with him or invite people to our place. He never smile or wishes anyone and just walks away to do his work.
Now the good part of my marriage is though I am living like a single parent, I get all the financial and materialistic support needed to raise the kids. I have the complete freedom to go anywhere, take any decisions for the kids and no questions asked. Similarly the kids got used to their dad's expressions and talk to him only when appropriate. They come to me for everything else. For now I am happy with my kids and they keep me busy. But what will I do after they leave to college. The other question that keeps popping is am I doing the right thing for my kids? Will they also start developing feelings of guilt and not turn out to be confident girls?

abcdguy · Feb 28, 2012

VGSR,

I think you guys need to go to marriage counseling, if that is an option. Outside of your girls, it seems you have very little emotional support and development. Your kids will be fine, but I do recommend you talk to them about the pros and cons of the relationship. My current Fiance has had a past similar to yours, in that her parents hardly talk and her father is VERY insecure. This comes out in negative ways like being overly paranoid, slightly rude, and very non-emotional.

In terms of my fiance, her troubled parental past has caused a great deal of problems with her opening up to someone like me. I am highly emotional, require more 'talking' time, and have a very different view of love. Its silly to not believe a person's past, doesn't effect them. The question is will this effect be in a negative or positive angle. That is where you come in. I can tell you right now, I worked VERY VERY VERY hard trying to get my fiance to open up to me, and it was quite challenging.

Many men prior to me never spent that time, and they more or less used her. You have a daughter, spend the time now so they don't seek and abuse their body with other men.

ABCDGUY

vgsr said: ↑

Hi All,
I really need your advice before making any conclusion. Here is my story in brief. I was married for 15 years with 2 preteen kids. The problem I have in my marriage is my husband. He is very self centered, very insecure and very egotic person and on top of it he came from a family where parents were always fighting. Right from the beginning of my marriage he always felt very insecure that I do not love/care for him by pointing out small isuues like talking on phone with friends/parents and delaying his lunch/dinner. Logically these poitns seem correct, but how do these affect a relationship when the delay is for 10-15 mins or at the most 30 mins and when they happen a couple of times in a month. I tried rectifying these by not repeating them, but the list seems endless and even after 15 years he isn't satisfied. Everything I do/say is incorrect. Even sillier things like "where are you going" is misinterpretated as "so from now on I need to take your permission to go out". This has slowly raised my guilt levels and now I find myself composing myself during the day to ask him any one question after he returns from work. We rarely talk now a days. I guess the cummulative time we talk in a month is 1 hour and all those conversations would be initiated by me and span for a min or so. These would be reminders about upcoming appointments or any to do lists. Just because he feels strongly negative about whatever I talk, he feels I do not want him and so slowly stopped taking part in family activities. Now his life has become so mechanical that he is there with us like any other object in the house like a tv or computer. He just withdrew from family. If I try talking to him, he never responds, just like a wall he stares at me. no matter what I say. Another side effect to his character is that he is very serious looking and never smiles even when other people are there. It is very embarassing to go out with him or invite people to our place. He never smile or wishes anyone and just walks away to do his work.
Now the good part of my marriage is though I am living like a single parent, I get all the financial and materialistic support needed to raise the kids. I have the complete freedom to go anywhere, take any decisions for the kids and no questions asked. Similarly the kids got used to their dad's expressions and talk to him only when appropriate. They come to me for everything else. For now I am happy with my kids and they keep me busy. But what will I do after they leave to college. The other question that keeps popping is am I doing the right thing for my kids? Will they also start developing feelings of guilt and not turn out to be confident girls?
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bukbuk · Feb 28, 2012

I have come across men like your h; some family friends/dtstant relatives, who rarely smile. I always wondered why they were like that. Since you say he's been like this from the past 15 years, his personality seems to be pretty much hard coded, and I really doubt if counseling will work. He seems like a good case for psychiatrists though. I really don't know what you can do now to change him, it fearfully seems too late, but since he's given you all the freedom for practical stuff, you can make best use of it by making new friends, developing new hobbies and keeping yourself busy. There are so many creative stuff out there which you can learn and enjoy doing. But if you need a companion to talk and spend time with, I don't have a suggestion.

Am just curious. How's he in his office? What kind of job does he do?

ProudIndian · Feb 29, 2012

Dear VGSR

Are you saying that because of your small nagging he withdrew from your relationship? You got disconnected due to small fights? There has to be more to this story.

SriVidya75 · Feb 29, 2012

can we call him as a micro manager or may be a perfectionist? see sometimes when parents push the kid to do well, and the constant pointing out and discouragement, turns the kid into a perfectionist...or may be that nothin is good for such kids and seems like your husband, basically doesnt know what is good or not..or either he knows the way he wants it and he wants exactly that way.

as far as this communication gap is concerned, why is it that you are initiating the conversation and leaving it there...how about get the kids and make it a family night and play games and include your husband also...that means you will have 2 teams..and he has to participate...how is his behaviour towards his kids? does he involve in the activities? talk to kids? take them out? like daddys day with kids etc?

will he be interested to invite friends over? or go n meet friends? how is he with his relatives or friends?

flowerlady · Feb 29, 2012

Please be more caring towards your partner and forget about his parents not getting along. You have been married for 15 years and should have developed some rapport with him. Some people are more serious than others but they should not be side-lined.
You are right about your future becoming bleak after kids leave, you should make a life of your own, do some constructive activity, learn new things and also learn to appreciate your partner. Kids will definitely make their own life and you will be left out.
Unnecessary phone calls can be curtailed and food served on time .Spouse should be the topmost priority.
Both of you are into middle age, please take care of each other, dont exclude your DH. This is the time when various kinds of diseases raise their heads .He is a good provider , what if he asked a few questions? Even wifes want to know where DH is going!!
Please introspect and see why you consider him boring , dull . There seems to be an undercurrent of resentment from both sides.
You cannot keep taking and not giving back anything to your spouse, sounds selfish.

vgsr · Feb 29, 2012

Thank you all for your replies. ProudIndian as you asked if there is more to this story, then no. But a accumulation of all these small incidents is what is overflowing. I am also not suprised that you feel that way since any person who meets my husband doesn't show positive feelings about him. He is never close with anyone nor gives anyone that liberty. I didn't have the exact words to put in earlier, but after reading abcdguy's message I think I found the 3 exact words of very paranoid, slightly rude and very non-emotional. That is exactly the way my husband is.

SriVidya, regarding pulling the kids's in and asking for a family night or any other activities involving him...we get a straight rude NO from him every time. Neither the kids nor myself have the guts to ask him why a no. It is some fear that has been created without using any violence. I really don't know how he does it. He just feels he doesn't have to be answerable to us.

And as mentioned earlier he is not close to anybody, neither his parents/siblings, anybody till now. I have better relationship with my in-laws than he has with his parents. He is not at all interested in going out or inviting others to our place.

vgsr · Feb 29, 2012

Hi Flowerlady,

I am not sure if you got me right. I would be very happy if he would ask me questions and interact with me. Also I don't consider him boring or dull...infact he is very intelligent and very good at his job.

monita · Feb 29, 2012

vgsr,
In a nutshell, your DH is not a family man or ideal husband material. but you have been married for 15 years. If he has not changed in 15 years, it will be best to accept him as he is. believe me I have seen many men like him. My father is one of them. A simple question from my mother like where are you going or have you taken your mobile gets her a very harsh stare from him. We hardly remember any quality time spent with him in our childhood days.

It can be embarrassing for someone if there partners are not sociable. But you cannot really change him. I am sure your friends and relatives are also used to his personality, so you don't have to worry about them. If he is unsociable, it is not really your problem.

It's good that you think his odd personality is because of his childhood experience, which is true. If you are ready to accept him the way he is, if you want to improve your relationship and if you don't mind a bit extra giving, I have some suggestions for you- If he doesn't like talking you can still do things together. Make sure you serve him meals on time and do it lovingly, don't spend time on phone when he is home. When he is watching TV or relaxing, give him a message. All these suggestions might seem regressive but I am not suggesting these because you are woman and he is a man. I am also not telling you to do this forever. Give yourself a time frame say a month or so and see if things begin to improve.

Also develop some hobbies, make friends, so that when your dds have left home, you will be occupied and won't depend too much on your DH for emotional support.

ShilpaMa · Feb 29, 2012

VGSR,
You can count me as well with a similar partner, he had infact given a wierd look to the photographer during marriage that those ppl left the recording midway (probably that fellow asked him to smile and hold me closer to him)... believe me the recording has an abrupt ending.

The problem is not in you but in your partner and as ABCDGuy has mentioned in 3 words for such guys.. they're non social.. unconnected. Few of my chirpy neighbours told me .. maybe you dint make enough efforts with him.. our partners were also shy types initially... so I told them go ahead and try to socialize with him or ask your partners to connect, you shall have your own experiences and finally they've also given up.

I don't know the cause but guess some ppl are born or reared that way and their partners can either choose to continue with life the way it and find happiness elsewhere or decide to move on.