sex outside marriage

kknew4 · Jan 23, 2012

Yes, there was emotional attachment going on which I could sense and even both would say they are best friend and I was happy that they 'told me and I am aware of it'. I can't ask my wife to cut all friendship because now she married me but it supposes not to be end up physical in normal families or normal brains. I used word funsex due to a reason which I am avoiding to mention here. She wanted to have someone so that she is not relying on husband for anything. This is the env in which she grew and brought up. As there are several things go on between husband and wife and there is always chance for disagreement or husband not doing what wife wants. But because she didn't have any opening in her heart due to 'that' person, whatever good I did had little value. This thing I understood now and so I know this is my fault and I happen to be so naive on this. She was just kind of wanted to always find some negatives in me that she could share with him and keep the emotional attachment strong. Since I didn't take this seriously or understood it, there was time when it drained all my energy to make her happy. If I plan for vacation, she would take it like if I got some extra money that’s why we are going or if we go with my parents, she would say that you went because of your parents. There is no doubt that I could have done lot better (not because I did things wrong intentionally but because probably I never thought the seriousness) but I can say that it would have end up like this only due to their attachment - if I understood this correctly. Anyway, this is not relevant at this time and even If I am the one who is responsible for my wife's behavior, I need to make a decision if I want to live in this scenario. Some of you mentioned that what if I am at fault causing wife to choose this path. Are you saying if this is the case then I should keep living with her? Remember, ( and as I learned now) anyone can't change any person so there is no guarantee that she wouldn't repeat this.

Regarding going into public, she is not afraid of anything because she knows how to lie or manipulate. If i show her 'evidence', that would pretty much give her an idea on what I am up to and she would understand that there is no point to live together because for her, her and his reputation is more important even if it comes to do lies on lies and even to her parents. As she would understand the evidence, she would start acting like she is very unhappy with me and immediately tell everyone that we are not compatible and not going to live together. And If I talk about evidence then ‘both’ of these would lie and even say that all these are fabricated because I don’t want to live with her and leaving me for someone after 12y of marriage and doesn’t even care for child and because its coming from woman, most of people will trust her. Regarding the wife of ‘that’ person, she is a smart woman and would be very unhappy …etc..etc..but at the end, most likely she wouldn’t leave him just because of this and might ask him that this shouldn’t happen again (but there is no guarantee). Regarding ignoring her, this is what she wants these days. She basically wants to keep living and if I don’t interact with her that is much better. As long as I am not leaving her and her other arrangement is keep going, she thinks this is best for her. She even doesn’t want to listen questions like if she loves me. There is also no point to leave her for few months away from me because she would make arrangement to meet with ‘him’ and it is not going to change anything in her. I had talked to lawyer and as per indian court system, this is not considered adultery and they don’t entertain the evidence. But lawyer said that if someone don’t want to live together then on one can force them to live together. It is just a matter of alimony and maintenance which need to be decided – generally 1/3<SUP>rd</SUP> of husband salary (there is a saying – its cheap to keep). Someone mentioned regarding separate out all expectation and commitment – physical, emotional etc..which is an option but I am not sure if I would be happy or probably I would need to rewire my mind.

I don't see any issue with our intimate life but as her thinking would always be like she would do anything for that person, anything didn't matter for her much and now she knows she destroyed this and she can't do much. Her mom is just like her. If something big happens, both will cry for like 1-2hrs and then lets start new life thing.

My child loves both of us and but would pick mom if given chance to choose one. I understand this and I am determined and planned for no fight. So there is no battle going to happen for custody of child. While we don't talk anything in front of child, so often than I would expect, would say I love mom and I love papa too and I can't live without both of you and would put hands on both of us. This just scare me every time this happens as to what and how to interpret this and child would have to accept my decision irrespective of like or not. I am afraid of what my child thinks on this at age of say 22 and what if say that I shouldn't have separated out and blame only me. My wife would lie to make sure child knows only way what she wanted including even may try to justify if I present some evidence.

thanks for all your views. it helped me to look at this differently. I think I kind of now know where it is going to end up.

tashidelek2002 · Jan 23, 2012

I have not read the whole thread BUT

You are going to let your child be raised by a mother who is a liar and without morals? Shame on you. You have a responsibility to raise the child correctly and that doesn't mean that a person with XX chromosomes is the only person to do it.

1Sandhya · Jan 23, 2012

:confused2: Hmmm...You spoke to a lawyer and showed him all your 'evidence' and he said this is not considered adultery per Indian court. Okaaaayyy...so what is it considered then? What does what you have amount to in terms of grounds for divorce? Can you tell us that? We are taking everything you say at face value but sounds like your wife is NOT having sex outside her marriage then? :confused2:

kknew4 · Jan 23, 2012

1Sandhya :
this in how the law written. one or two liaisons are not considered as adultary. it is defined as the relationship should be on going when the case is in front of court. And becauase of this, most time this thing is not provable in court. However, Judge may give some benefit on victim if something is brought under his/her attention like when defining the custody of child. Adultery generally don't impact on alimony or maintaince becuase court doesn't want party to suffer financially or socially.

Naksh · Jan 23, 2012

OP - this is goign to be a big lentghy essay - but please do read. (alteast for the time i took covnerting my thgouths to butler engilpish and type with my horrible typing skills LOL). Alos i have to tell you - i put myself in your situation and wrote what i would do if i were you, but i cant be sure if i would do the same if i really were in this situation cuz - imagining is different from living, then many other complex emotion n such stuff gets involved n blocks my mind - so i may not think straight and do somethign hasty. But with the calm mind that i have now i think this is the best logical thing to do.

okay KKnew. I am sorry about your plight man. But remember situation will not be the same always. It changes and some days 10 or 2 0 down the lane, things and your state of mind will not be the same. Something either this or that would be decided. At this moment you are confused with the two options you have and this confusion is eatign you out, but please know that soon onething or the other will be decided and you can feel releif this knowledge in itself shoul dgive you some strength. Even if the seperation causes you grief, it lasts for osme time.... then you will eventually start a new life, and slowly you start feel'g somethign heavy is off your chest and you are at peace.

That was said in general KKnew for any 'situations' in life, now lets talk specific to your issue. am gogin to write further assuming the following based on your posts.

1) Mrs.KKnew is involved in an EMA:
Personally I would mind more about emotional connexon. it matters more to me. longetivity of marriage is based on that in my opinion (i could be wrong too). It seems to me that she is not involved emotionally with you. is that correct? KKnew, I know why you are reluctant to seperate - the kid. i would too if i were you. Lets talk abotu it in next point. For now lets stick to just you and her as wife and husband and not parents. Okay?. Whatever you do, do not say to her that your Mom has done so and so and it runs in your family (please we do not exactly know what her Mum's situation was, it hurts), but you know your Wife's situation and that you have been decent enough in giving her everythign (based on your post) - phy'l n emo'l. If she still choses to go stray - there is no thing you can do or she can do really. But KKnew you have to be doubly sure that this is just not a one time fling kind of thing and that this is a full grown emotional and yeah physical relation with the other guy or you will loose everything for nothing. So if you are sure of that - then i would say let the lady go (for your sake too), for your kids sake dont make it public (how old is the kid?), stay seperate. I deliberately avoided Divorce or courts - i would always want to leave lines open for reconciliation KKnew. Its the same you have zero emotional conexon only that its not on papers. If she thinks she misses you and also it coudl happen that the other guy might feel worried that the lady has ct her ties with you so - next logical step would be that she pressuring him to get settled with her - which he cannot (i htink). so their relation would struggle too _chances are. And she might realize your worth. Whether it will happen or not - its good for you both to stay seperate. (Summer hol's is a good time - cen send kid away to your mom's house and deal with this).

Just tell her your fears KKnew - that it is her wishe if she chooses to go and you cannot stay with her knowing that it 'STILL' going and that it 'WILL' go on time to time. Tell her you need time and that she needs time too to decide whats important for her? A family life with hub and kid or this secrect life? Telll her she is free to chose anything, but should stick honest with whatever she choses. She cannot have both. For now you woul dlike to stay seperate n leave channels open for her if she chooses to come back. (she might not want to go to him now, so she might resist but you tell what you have to tell and also show her the path to return to you and move on.

2) Kid: Completely understandable KKnew - i would stay too if i were you when seen fro this angle. But hey Flowerlady has raised some points that can convince you to think otherwise, go through her post about what kids will learn. So be assured that kids will do good. You have to tell us - how old the kid is - that will help members help you. If kid is old enough to take care of himself without Mum, and not too old or matured age wise - tell him/her that - Mum and dad needs to stay in diff places for a while becaus eof job or college and that Mommy would come visit him every weekend. Give her that chance pls, she is a mom she will have her feelign toward her kid if not hsband. But make sure You both ocme to an unerstanding n deal abotu this - both shd say the same thing to the kid. soon kid will get used to the situation. If mommy wishes to keep the kid nd not give it to you - then tell her - that you will go ahead and cut ties with her forever and apply for a divorce and kid custody case in court and that with enough evidence - you will get the custondy of the kid and that would make things difficult for her -be it too bond with the kid or reconcile. She will be left with nothing. Tell her what consequenses she will have to face. And in the process kid might know the truth abotu her too, she might not want that to happen.

KKnew - all this when you honestly think that you gave your best and were okay enough giving her mental n phy's things. Answer to yourself , you dont have to here. If you think you gave everything (not great but decent enough) nd that the lady had no valid reaosns for chosing other 'fun', then go ahead and think along the lines suggested above if you like it. If you anywhere even remotely feel that you could be the reason for her to wander - tell her that open,. if am the reaosn for you to chose other perosn - tell her you will make changes and is she willing to hel n try with you. so you both can stay together.

Best wishes to the three of you.

bukbuk · Jan 23, 2012

Kknew, it looks like yours is a loveless marriage where both of you don't have any love or respect for each other but are still in just for the sake of child, social status and mutual benefits. No problems, many Indian marriages are like that. Couple live long lives together under the same roof with absolutely no feelings for each other.

You also don't seem like the risk-taking types. You'd rather put up with a cheating wife who is also a liar rather than fighting for a just divorce. You come across a little insecure and even though you haven't admitted openly, you are dead scared of the baggage that comes along with divorce. Lonely life with no wife, child or family life, people around you laughing at you...you are **** scared about all these deep inside. Fair enough. You are only human.

Since you seem like doing things easy way, I would say put up with it. You guys are middle aged and how many more years do you think she 's going to have 'it' with him! He may get bored and may dump her for an younger woman, for all you know. Also, you mentioned she'd had 'it' with him 3-4 times only, in all these years. So it's very unlikely she will increase the frequency.

Men in perfect families do go about and have the company of sex workers once in a while. Their wives don't divorce them for this. Am not saying its right. But thats the way it is.

Probably you can try an EMA ( fake or real, it's left to you), just to see your wife's reaction.

1Sandhya · Jan 23, 2012

Op, only you know what is really going on. We know only your side. But going by what the lawyer told you it seems to me that you have a lot of suspicion on your wife that she is cheating on you but not any real evidence. I want to ask you one thing: you are convinced that your wife is ruining the marriage and your child's future by being friendly with this guy. Have you considered that you may also be contributing to demise of the marriage by your constant suspicion of her? You are focused on her deeds completely but remember her every action is getting reaction from you too so dont discount that.
I am not saying the current situation is all your fault. But, it is not all her fault either. There are real issues in your marriage, and mutual trust is one of them. You have to address this deep suspicion of yours and put it to rest one way or the other. Does your wife and her mom know that you consulted a lawyer or you are thinking along these lines? you should let them know.

You have already gone to a lawyer and heard what he had to say. I think both of you should also go to a marriage counselor and try to resolve your issues.

Naksh · Jan 23, 2012

bukbuk said: ↑

Kknew, it looks like yours is a loveless marriage where both of you don't have any love or respect for each other but are still in just for the sake of child, social status and mutual benefits. No problems, many Indian marriages are like that. Couple live long lives together under the same roof with absolutely no feelings for each other.

You also don't seem like the risk-taking types. You'd rather put up with a cheating wife who is also a liar rather than fighting for a just divorce. You come across a little insecure and even though you haven't admitted openly, you are dead scared of the baggage that comes along with divorce. Lonely life with no wife, child or family life, people around you laughing at you...you are **** scared about all these deep inside. Fair enough. You are only human.

Since you seem like doing things easy way, I would say put up with it. You guys are middle aged and how many more years do you think she 's going to have 'it' with him! He may get bored and may dump her for an younger woman, for all you know. Also, you mentioned she'd had 'it' with him 3-4 times only, in all these years. So it's very unlikely she will increase the frequency.

Men in perfect families do go about and have the company of sex workers once in a while. Their wives don't divorce them for this. Am not saying its right. But thats the way it is.

Probably you can try an EMA ( fake or real, it's left to you), just to see your wife's reaction.
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BukBuk makes more sense. (unlike her name

You can chuck my post out and concentrate more on this.

kknew4 · Jan 23, 2012

dear bukbuk,
while I read and reply to other, I just want to ack that you exactly got right about me except I am not scared of people laughing at me ( I do scared of if people say what is the big deal and what was the need to do a divorce for this at this stage - given that the consequences this this going to bring). your third and forth paragraph is like my parents wrote word by word. They say this exactly and that is very discoraging if I decide to do anything and brings me back to square one - its like I don't have any support system and if I try to convience them, then they would say its your life and you decided but i can sense this is not what they want. My wife won't like if know but doesn't care much but if she knows, then she feels better that she is doing this because you are also like that (she said tit for tat). regarding love, she has a very low image for husband because this is what she saw the treatment from her mother to her father. So even I have strong feelings for her or whatever good I do, she evatually keep gussing why I am doing this and there must be my interest. I took these things lightly as it is now 12y and this is my fault.

kknew4 · Jan 24, 2012

Believe me its not easy for me to come here and write these things. when the first time this happened, i had nothing and she was scared to death becuase she knew that I will left her (I was much younger then) so she did eveything (and I mean everything) she could to hide and kept living normally. but this time, there is no suspicion. As I mentioned evindence is such that she would understand but won't ack because she would need to save the other person so she is ok to leave by saying she is not happy here. I haven't shown evidence to her because that would our last day to be togather. Regaring whose fault, I have no issue to take blame 100% but I think she is mean sprited (or her mom whose influence she has). She could have told me that she is not happy, she doesn't want to live with me and she can still get mainataince/almony and can sleep around where she wanted. it didn't have given me the pain I am currently now - given that what I did for her( she already said one time that you are much better than me). I do know that she is sick because she have been living in piosonous env where hiding/lying was routine of life. I can do marriage counseling once I decide to live with her.

1Sandhya said: ↑

Op, only you know what is really going on. We know only your side. But going by what the lawyer told you it seems to me that you have a lot of suspicion on your wife that she is cheating on you but not any real evidence. I want to ask you one thing: you are convinced that your wife is ruining the marriage and your child's future by being friendly with this guy. Have you considered that you may also be contributing to demise of the marriage by your constant suspicion of her? You are focused on her deeds completely but remember her every action is getting reaction from you too so dont discount that.
I am not saying the current situation is all your fault. But, it is not all her fault either. There are real issues in your marriage, and mutual trust is one of them. You have to address this deep suspicion of yours and put it to rest one way or the other. Does your wife and her mom know that you consulted a lawyer or you are thinking along these lines? you should let them know.

You have already gone to a lawyer and heard what he had to say. I think both of you should also go to a marriage counselor and try to resolve your issues.
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