My problem SIL

Malyatha · Dec 31, 2007

I have a host of inlaw issues, but today, I want to talk about my problem with my youngest brother's wife.

Background:

I have two brothers, both younger. None of us live in the same city. None of us see each other that frequently (maybe once every two years .. MAX). I am not particularly close to my brothers, leave alone their wives. Basically, I mind my own business as I have enough problems with my inlaws who keep me busy (and not in a good way).

The problem started almost as soon as my brothers got engaged. They were married within a month of each other. Coincidentally (just my luck!), the girls both hailed from the same place as my inlaws. My MIL is a big gossip monger. She lost no opportunity to meet these girls' families and instantly began to BS them about me and my family. They seemed to become very close to her. Initially, this bothered me - because I knew very well that my MIL was talking all rubbish about my parents & me to these girls. But later on, I decided that since my brothers live in different cities, this would be NO problem. I was WRONG!

The youngest brother's wife is a domineering young lady. Whatever - that's between her and her husband. But, she started poking her nose into my affairs. Whenever I visited my home town, I would spend half the time at my inlaws' house and the other half at my parents'. This girl asked me why I even came to my parents' house! I told her that I didn't have to explain myself to her and told my brother to tell her to mind her own business. She raised a BIG fuss and started crying (!) when my brother asked her how my vacation plans were any of her business. My brother got frustrated and yelled at me saying "She's crying ... BECAUSE OF YOU!"

I told him she wouldn't have to cry if she just MINDED HER OWN DANG BUSINESS.

Some examples of her behavior: We have the equivalent of the Rakhi festival (called Kanu) for which girls go to their mothers' house and spend time putting "Kanu" and then spending the rest of the day with their parents and esp. brothers. She told me that even if we had all lived in the same city, that she still wouldn't have wanted me visiting "her" house for Kanu because she would want to go to her parents' house for Kanu, too! Would have been fair enough EXCEPT THAT SHE'S AN ONLY CHILD WHO HAS NO BROTHERS. My husband never comes with me to my parents' house on Kanu day because HIS sister comes to our house on that day.

When our parents celebrated my father's sixtieth birthday, she dominated the function with her cousin (she has no father and is close to her cousin). She picked a BIG fight with her co-sister (my other brother's wife) and she and her cousin ended up crying at the function itself (a very inauspicious thing to do) . Crying seems to come very easily to her.

The BIGGEST issue came when I bought a house at the city that I live in (my MIL lives elsewhere). My MIL was unhappy and talked to SIL's mother (who is now her "best friend") about how I had influenced her son (my husband) into "abandoning" her by buying a house and settling down in another city. SIL's mother promptly asked MY mother how I could buy a house in another city and "abandon" my inlaws.

When my mother told me this, I blew my top. I have had enough. I sent SIL an email, telling her that for the LAST AND FINAL TIME, she should MIND HER OWN BUSINESS AS SHOULD HER MOTHER. I told her that SHE has a house in another city (they don't live in the same city as my parents - see the hypocrisy!), that her precious cousin doesn't live with her inlaws (she bought a house about 5 kms away from her inlaws), her MOTHER has never lived with HER inlaws...so who are they to judge me and how is this any of their business?

No response. NOTHING. Not a peep.

A part of me is happy that I've finally put her in her place, although I am saddened that I may not see much of my brother anymore (not that we see that often but still, he's my brother).

I wondering if anyone else has a similar issue here with interfering inlaws / family members and how they dealt with it?

Thanks for sharing.

Jananikrithsan · Dec 31, 2007

Hi Malyatha,
Welcome to IL!!!
The problem you have talked about is what I guess comes from your SIL's insecurity and her attitude.It is a pleasure maybe for her to fight and get the importance that people give her. That way she is more imporatant than you are or than your other borthers's wife, she also has not been spared. The fact that you are not very close to your brothers also works to her advantage as she has the final say. Tell her talk to her when your brother is around and sort it out. Best thing to do is stay away from her and ignore unwanted comments.
May the new year bring you joy!!!!

Ria2006 · Dec 31, 2007

I know how it feels to have such SILs.

What I suggest here, may not change anything in her behaviour and their bickering. However it will give you peace and strength to handle..

- Never bother to listen whos MIL said what to whom. Consider them as idiots talking some rubbish to pass away their free time. Enjoy the fact that you are the most important thing on their mind.

- Next time you come across any direct interaction with her.. Just plain tell her.. Your life is full of other happy things and her existence doesnot really matter to you. Also tell her you pity her terribly, because she has nothing more interesting and fulfilling in her life than bitching about you.

- Whatever people say to us, the last thread is always decided by us, Be strong and clear inside. IF you refuse to get affected by negativity passed on by them.. This very negativity will deflect back on them. Try this It s very powerful concept. Whenever you come across something negative someone has said about you. Consider that as burning splinter somebody has thrown on you. If you catch it by hand and absorb in it, It will only burn you. If you dont pick it and deflect it back. It really goes back to its initiator. That s whole concept of engative energy,. It can come from bickering boss, selfish relatives and envious neighbours ..Anybody.. Life has lot to celebrate about than wondering about some remote unimportant people. Yes, anybody who is not worthy of your love should be "unimportant" in your thoughts too.. Do you ever care, what some weitred eve-teaser said to you on road.. Not really right. Just consider such relative as barking street dogs.. If you try to deal with them they will bite and spread their infectious diseases. Stay away and stay strong.

- Regarding your brother and meeting them.. Its blood relation.. And they will also miss you , as you miss them.. Let that strength of bond come out and haunt them too. Very often females have this tendency of throwing their love on others.. Just hold it, till they miss you. Once SIL gets that message back.. She will also stay away from you. Love should never be your weakness, but your strength. Always know to play by your strength. So let your affection with your brother be your strength. Anything apart from it, is plain insecurity and fear.

What I am saying above is more generic approach. I personally apply this in my life. And it gives me ot of peace and strength. Very often I have seen, negativity either get tired out or just vanish by this..

All the best
ria

sashie · Jan 1, 2008

hi, i read your post and felt that i should respond. I completely agree with something Ria wrote, if you let the negativity hurt you, it will. I have had ALOT of il's problems too, and believe me, i have learned from my mistakes. I have wasted so much time worrying about il's, sil (husb's sisiter) that i forgot how to enjoy life. Don;t get me wrong, they still hurt me when they get a chance, but now i get over it alot faster. i;m trying not to carry around all this hurt and pain. good luck!
sash

karuth · Jan 1, 2008

Hi malyatha,

Hope you are in better spirits now with all our friends' suggestions.

dear Ria,
I really felt the energy of having a tonic,when I read your lines.especially the boomerang thing and the 'hold your love till they miss it' etc...Nice thoughts ria. spread the good words for self-confidence.

Happy new year all of you
bubye
karthika.

Ria2006 · Jan 1, 2008

Thanks Karthika for kind words of praise.
I am glad that it appealed to you.

Cheers
ria

chocolate · Jan 1, 2008

Malyatha said: ↑

I have a host of inlaw issues, but today, I want to talk about my problem with my youngest brother's wife.

Background:

I have two brothers, both younger. None of us live in the same city. None of us see each other that frequently (maybe once every two years .. MAX). I am not particularly close to my brothers, leave alone their wives. Basically, I mind my own business as I have enough problems with my inlaws who keep me busy (and not in a good way).

The problem started almost as soon as my brothers got engaged. They were married within a month of each other. Coincidentally (just my luck!), the girls both hailed from the same place as my inlaws. My MIL is a big gossip monger. She lost no opportunity to meet these girls' families and instantly began to BS them about me and my family. They seemed to become very close to her. Initially, this bothered me - because I knew very well that my MIL was talking all rubbish about my parents & me to these girls. But later on, I decided that since my brothers live in different cities, this would be NO problem. I was WRONG!

The youngest brother's wife is a domineering young lady. Whatever - that's between her and her husband. But, she started poking her nose into my affairs. Whenever I visited my home town, I would spend half the time at my inlaws' house and the other half at my parents'. This girl asked me why I even came to my parents' house! I told her that I didn't have to explain myself to her and told my brother to tell her to mind her own business. She raised a BIG fuss and started crying (!) when my brother asked her how my vacation plans were any of her business. My brother got frustrated and yelled at me saying "She's crying ... BECAUSE OF YOU!"

I told him she wouldn't have to cry if she just MINDED HER OWN DANG BUSINESS.

Some examples of her behavior: We have the equivalent of the Rakhi festival (called Kanu) for which girls go to their mothers' house and spend time putting "Kanu" and then spending the rest of the day with their parents and esp. brothers. She told me that even if we had all lived in the same city, that she still wouldn't have wanted me visiting "her" house for Kanu because she would want to go to her parents' house for Kanu, too! Would have been fair enough EXCEPT THAT SHE'S AN ONLY CHILD WHO HAS NO BROTHERS. My husband never comes with me to my parents' house on Kanu day because HIS sister comes to our house on that day.

When our parents celebrated my father's sixtieth birthday, she dominated the function with her cousin (she has no father and is close to her cousin). She picked a BIG fight with her co-sister (my other brother's wife) and she and her cousin ended up crying at the function itself (a very inauspicious thing to do) . Crying seems to come very easily to her.

The BIGGEST issue came when I bought a house at the city that I live in (my MIL lives elsewhere). My MIL was unhappy and talked to SIL's mother (who is now her "best friend") about how I had influenced her son (my husband) into "abandoning" her by buying a house and settling down in another city. SIL's mother promptly asked MY mother how I could buy a house in another city and "abandon" my inlaws.

When my mother told me this, I blew my top. I have had enough. I sent SIL an email, telling her that for the LAST AND FINAL TIME, she should MIND HER OWN BUSINESS AS SHOULD HER MOTHER. I told her that SHE has a house in another city (they don't live in the same city as my parents - see the hypocrisy!), that her precious cousin doesn't live with her inlaws (she bought a house about 5 kms away from her inlaws), her MOTHER has never lived with HER inlaws...so who are they to judge me and how is this any of their business?

No response. NOTHING. Not a peep.

A part of me is happy that I've finally put her in her place, although I am saddened that I may not see much of my brother anymore (not that we see that often but still, he's my brother).

I wondering if anyone else has a similar issue here with interfering inlaws / family members and how they dealt with it?

Thanks for sharing.
Click to expand...

Your sister is law is feeling very insecure that she cant be in the limelight becoz of you. She is one of those people who cant see anybody happy. Her mother talking like that proves her behaviour is cultivated from her childhood. I had a friend like that. I used to listen to all the useless things she used to tell to bring me down. I didnt want to create a fight becoz her mom and my mom are childhood friends. All until one day she told me i dont have class.That was it i blasted her and never spoken to her after that.her mom scolded her too. Some people need to be put in place or else they take everything as they can boss over. You did the right thing by giving back.
Oh one more instance is my great SIL. She bosses over everybody in my husband;s family and feels even DIL should listen to her as a command. I havent done it from the beginning of the marriage and she cant digest it. She knows I dont care for her nor her opinion. Given a choice she will definitely want my husband to divorce me.But whenever possible i give her and dont let her dominate me. If left she can ruin any marriage in a short duration.
So everybody at one time or the other come in contact with such people. You are not alone. Some people ignore and some people give them back.

suma21 · Jan 2, 2008

Hi Friends,

Great tips Ria,my friend is suffering from SIL domination issue & she is tired of dealing with clever SIL,cries most of the time..does not know how to handle, i will ask her to read this post.In her case SIL is the delicate darling of the family & no one believes that SIL is manipulative ..she is suffering alone....hats off to ILites for real time solutions for the ladies who need emotional help.

Cheers
Suma

Malyatha · Jan 3, 2008

Thank you, everyone.

I am letting her get to me, of course. I needed to get her out of my system and venting here has helped me do it.

Thanks to all of you, esp. Ria!